Why does he keep taking her back?

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Raleigh
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03 Dec 2018, 10:02 pm

There's been an ongoing saga with my BIL breaking up with his gf then taking her back.

She's cheated on him several times including with his best friend.
She neglects and abuses their children, and leeches money from their bank accounts.
Doesn't cook, nor do any housework.
Their house is absolutely filthy and packed to the rafters with crap.
Tells lies constantly.
She cut her hours at work so she could do her hobbies and expects him to pay for them.
Has called the police on him saying he was abusing her when he was at his mother's house at the time.
She's jealous and controlling of him.

Why the hell does he keep taking her back?
I'm at a loss.


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Shinku Tora
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03 Dec 2018, 10:09 pm

Because men are told by everyone that they are lucky to have anyone at all.


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AnneOleson
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03 Dec 2018, 10:17 pm

Thinks that children need their mother? That he couldn’t raise them on his own?



Raleigh
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03 Dec 2018, 10:32 pm

She doesn't even want the children.
Doesn't feed them, wash their clothes, anything.
She goes out clubbing or goes away for weekends and doesn't give a single s**t about the kids.


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Kiprobalhato
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03 Dec 2018, 10:39 pm

try asking someone who knows him well.

Shinku Tora wrote:
Because men are told by everyone that they are lucky to have anyone at all.


^

if your BIL is anything like me, or most aspies, finding any person to have a relationship with is difficult and they tend to stick with the people they already know, rather than pull off the next-to-impossible feat of meeting new people - and risk getting into something even worse.

so we stick to the devils we know. it's familiar.

maybe she's good in the sack. maybe she does good things for him occasionally, intermittently reinforcing, that keeps him hooked.

maybe he feels a sort of obligation to her so powerful he's willing to overlook all the negativity. maybe he craves the rise in social stature that being in a relationship gives you, especially if shes attractive.

there's always a reason.

hopefully this isn't too hard to understand.


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Raleigh
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03 Dec 2018, 10:45 pm

Ok, it's just hard being in the middle of this, because I get to hear all the horrible stuff that's going on and how he hates her, then it's all back on again and sweet.

As an Aspie, it's hard to deal with that.
It's like I'm expected to like her when he likes her and hate her when he hates her and it's doing my head on.


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Shinku Tora
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03 Dec 2018, 11:29 pm

Been there before with a girl always complaining about her relationships, only it lead me to think maybe I had a chance. What an idiot I was to believe that.

But yeah, someone familiar is true enough because I’ve stuck it out with people who weren’t really good for my health either. Thankfully never to this extent.


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Once there were trees full of birds,
meadowlands vibrant with flowers.
Carefree the songs our children once sang,
gilding our minutes and hours;
Clouds came and covered the sun,
the breath of a baleful unease,
turning to ashes flowers in their fields,
silenced the birds in the trees.


Sabreclaw
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04 Dec 2018, 2:05 am

Depends. Maybe he believes she's all he'll ever be able to get, so whenever he inevitably gets lonely he tries his luck with her again.



The_Face_of_Boo
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04 Dec 2018, 3:57 am

Because he is an idiot.



nick007
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04 Dec 2018, 6:09 am

Maybe for the same reasons lots of people stay in abusive relationships.


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Fnord
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04 Dec 2018, 9:15 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Because he is an idiot.
There is an offensive slang term related to this that has nothing to do with being flogged with the carcass of a female feline.



Kiprobalhato
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04 Dec 2018, 11:45 am

Raleigh wrote:
As an Aspie, it's hard to deal with that.
It's like I'm expected to like her when he likes her and hate her when he hates her and it's doing my head on.


why?

Sabreclaw wrote:
Depends. Maybe he believes she's all he'll ever be able to get, so whenever he inevitably gets lonely he tries his luck with her again.


i think this is very likely.

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Because he is an idiot.


shut


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וזה הכל אהובי, זה הכל.


Raleigh
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04 Dec 2018, 2:22 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Because he is an idiot.

Yep.

The sex must be mind blowing.


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TW1ZTY
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04 Dec 2018, 2:25 pm

Raleigh I ask myself the same thing every time my mom gets back together with her psycho ex husband.

I just don't understand people who choose to be in relationships like that when they have the option to leave. :|



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04 Dec 2018, 3:57 pm

Raleigh wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Because he is an idiot.

Yep.

The sex must be mind blowing.


IMO they both should be charged with child abuse and neglect - she for doing it, and he for letting it happen.

If it's about sex, some sex worker would probably do a better job, for less money and the children would be fed, washed and taken care off.



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04 Dec 2018, 4:10 pm

Raleigh wrote:
Ok, it's just hard being in the middle of this, because I get to hear all the horrible stuff that's going on and how he hates her, then it's all back on again and sweet.

As an Aspie, it's hard to deal with that.
It's like I'm expected to like her when he likes her and hate her when he hates her and it's doing my head on.


I have held space for people in abusive relationships (there are levels, like a spectrum, not all abuse leaves visible marks). I have been in them. Both spaces do a number on your head. It's hard to care about someone and watch them keep going back to a situation that obviously causes huge problems. Then you know you'll need to be there and be supportive when it all falls apart again... which it will. It's just as hard to remember the good things about someone you really do truly love and want to forgive them even when they are completely awful to you. It's easy to make excuses for the bad behavior when reminded of the good things, especially when you are alone and lonely.

The best I can say is just be there and be honest. It's ok to say this keeps happening, please take care of yourself and your kids. It's ok to say, I know you miss her but remember everything that has happened and don't let yourself romanticize the good over the reality of the bad. It is ok to say, I know you two are back together now, but it's hard for me to forget the way she treated you and I'm afraid you will be hurt again. However, if it's a family thing and the BIL won't take honesty well it is also ok to politely avoid the subject if at all possible...