Chronically Single Men, Don't Call Yourselves 'Incels"

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The Grand Inquisitor
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02 Jan 2019, 9:27 am

Seriously, unless you embrace incel culture, like chad and stacy bullocks and all the rest of it, distance yourself from the term. I'm not sure if it once meant all people who were in a literal sense 'involuntarily celibate'. That was my original interpretation of the term, and as such it seemed unjust to scrutinise all people to whom the term applied literally, but now it seems that "incel" describes a very specific type of lonely/chronically single man who blames women as a collective for his celibacy and wishes harm on them as a result.

If you don't hang out on incel forums, don't call yourself an incel. If you don't subscribe to incel culture, don't call yourself an incel. If you don't wish harm on people you (inaccurately) believe are the cause of your "involuntary celibacy", don't call yourself an incel. If you call yourself an incel and none of the above apply to you, you're going to give people the wrong impression of what you believe and how you think. If you're just a lonely guy, chronically single or all the rest of it, just call yourself those things, but don't call yourself an incel or believe you fall under that category unless you're part of the cult itself. You're just going to invoke potentially inaccurate ideas of what you're about in the heads of others who immediately associate incels with a specific kind of culture and ideology.



Fnord
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02 Jan 2019, 9:35 am

Agreed. It's just asking for trouble.

It's like calling yourself a "Nerd" in a group of testosterone-poisoned football fans, many of whom see nerds as things to be mocked, ridiculed, knocked down, beaten, and spat upon.



The Grand Inquisitor
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02 Jan 2019, 9:52 am

Fnord wrote:
Agreed. It's just asking for trouble.

It's like calling yourself a "Nerd" in a group of testosterone-poisoned football fans, many of whom see nerds as things to be mocked, ridiculed, knocked down, beaten, and spat upon.

Something like that. There's just no reason to brand yourself a certain way if most people are going to interpret it a different way than you intended. Calling yourself an incel when you're not a hateful person is just asking for unnecessary trouble and misunderstandings.



kraftiekortie
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02 Jan 2019, 10:12 am

Technically, "incel" with a small "I" is a generalized term for somebody who wants to make love, but is frustrated in that endeavor. They are rarely "Incels" with the "Capital I."

But I would still avoid even the "small i" term. I would, instead, say that I'm "involuntarily celibate," if I wanted to express that frustration.

From my standpoint, I would even avoid saying I'm "involuntarily celibate," to avoid people thinking I am "less than I am."



SilentJessica
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02 Jan 2019, 10:24 am

I wonder if “invocel” would be a good replacement, so the two can’t be confused easily.


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kraftiekortie
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02 Jan 2019, 10:30 am

In my opinion, I would just dispense with the idea of "incel," whatsoever.

I would try to think of myself as being CAPABLE of finding love----even if the evidence doesn't seem "strong" at the moment.

I had my moments when I thought I would never get a girlfriend, find love, be worthy of love, etc. Many moments in my early 20's.



The Grand Inquisitor
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02 Jan 2019, 10:34 am

SilentJessica wrote:
I wonder if “invocel” would be a good replacement, so the two can’t be confused easily.

It still sounds too close to once imo and may as such invoke thoughts about once culture. I think "lonely guy" or "chronically single man" work better, because for many of us not in the incel crowd, sex is not the primary concern. It still exists, but I'd be far happier to see the day when I get my first relationship than the one when I get my first sexual encounter.



Last edited by The Grand Inquisitor on 02 Jan 2019, 10:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

Fnord
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02 Jan 2019, 10:42 am

"Lonely Guy" is closer to the real issue than "Incel".



The Grand Inquisitor
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02 Jan 2019, 10:47 am

Fnord wrote:
"Lonely Guy" is closer to the real issue than "Incel".

I prefer "chronically single" purely because lonely can imply that you have no friends or family around you either, which isn't true for me, whereas I've never not been single, so "chronically single" seems more applicable in my situation.



kraftiekortie
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02 Jan 2019, 10:56 am

Just say you're "single and looking." End of story.



Fnord
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02 Jan 2019, 10:58 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Fnord wrote:
"Lonely Guy" is closer to the real issue than "Incel".
I prefer "chronically single" purely because lonely can imply that you have no friends or family around you either, which isn't true for me, whereas I've never not been single, so "chronically single" seems more applicable in my situation.
Good point. A lot of the men who have expressed loneliness due to lack of a girlfriend have also expressed loneliness due to estrangement from their families. You seem to be a rare exception.



The Grand Inquisitor
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02 Jan 2019, 11:08 am

Fnord wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Fnord wrote:
"Lonely Guy" is closer to the real issue than "Incel".
I prefer "chronically single" purely because lonely can imply that you have no friends or family around you either, which isn't true for me, whereas I've never not been single, so "chronically single" seems more applicable in my situation.
Good point. A lot of the men who have expressed loneliness due to lack of a girlfriend have also expressed loneliness due to estrangement from their families. You seem to be a rare exception.
I don't know that I'd agree with that. A lot of the regulars here who are unable to get girlfriends still live with their parents.



kraftiekortie
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02 Jan 2019, 11:10 am

They live with their parents----but, sometimes, they don't get along with them.

This sort of thing is common with many adolescents and young adults in the world.



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02 Jan 2019, 11:10 am

I don't know why 'involuntarily celibate' people of either gender need a catch-phrase such as Incel to identity their situation. That implies group membership, and that implies being complicit in what the group does as a whole. You can't go around saying "I'm celibate, but it's not voluntary, but I'm different than the other people who are celibate and not voluntarily for these specific reasons ...." :roll:

You don't need to print and wear your status on a t-shirt, or something. Why then (with all due respect) do you need a name or word at all? I wouldn't go around wearing a shirt with "VIRGIN" or "LOOKING FOR SEX" or "LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP" on it. In what other capacity is a word such as Incel needed? If you don't meet a person then the word wasn't needed, because you aren't informing anyone of your status. If you do meet someone, you have a private conversation during which you say either "I'm a virgin", or "I haven't been in a relationship before", or "I've not been sexually active". Those are mature ways to express what's going on. A catch-phrase does none of that, and as such it isn't necessary. Real people need real communication or they will be grouped accordingly by the subsets with which they identify. In this case, that will not help your situation at all.



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02 Jan 2019, 11:13 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Just say you're "single and looking." End of story.

To a potential partner, that works, but I'd say it's very much a gross oversimplification when specifically taking about my struggles with dating. You can be single and looking and have just gotten out of a relationship, or have been out of a relationship for a few months, and that's considerably different to my situation of never having a relationship despite the desire being present.