Relationship Troubles with Mother and Understanding People a

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Indominus
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01 Feb 2019, 6:42 pm

(This may have less to do with love and dating than it has to do with my relationship with my mother and also figuring out what to do with my life with people and all that. As well as this thread being potentially moved or whatever) I've come to terms with accepting my own loneliness and company and turning that into a strength as my desire for intimacy last year has only been that of a strong need of affection, considering how much trouble I've been through in the past and how this commemorates my first year of being on wrong planet forums since last year that I've joined here.

I think the philosophy and idea of commemorating a relationship is truly a magnificent idea to behold, but since I feel incapable of truly expressing this subject through any, if at all, of my desires (since I'm more concerned on building myself personal-wise and career-wise), such a subject would be reciprocated through many different lenses and since such the idea of a relationship can be a landmine, specifically following through gender and societal roles, laundering the subject to be more appeasable may lead to less than satisfactory results, as such a subject can be difficult for me as I have trouble understanding people more so than I can understand concepts of math and robots. Math and robots make more sense to me, as they do not require a lot of maintenance and, therefore, make more sense. People, on the other hand, are an often tricky subject, since I spent so much time last year trying to make friends as I deluded myself into thinking that "college" would give me a chance to develop the social life that I never really had in high school. Alas, it seems that people aren't really capable of changing much and just seem to be less willing to take responsibility into their own hands. The library and books would seem to be my only way of achieving understanding of human life and civilization and where we wrought ourselves up to brandish ourselves from coldhearted rejections, the likes of which say, from a crush or a job manager or maybe even family, which can bring about the impact and sting of a Lovecraftian scorpion of sorts.

I may not be capable of feeling it or anything right now, but my relationship with my mother has affected me a lot in the past year, considering how her ever-doting attitude has left me an impression that she loves me more as a surrogate husband than a son. Every day and phone call, I'm reminded of how much she loves and thinks about me, but this is further evidenced when our conversations are more about her marriage and the turnout of the family's future than it is about anything else. I can't remember the last time that we, as a family, have ever gone out together since they both lost their jobs. But it also made me realize that only through losing their jobs have they been capable of humility (at least in my mother's case), as I've not forgotten what has happened in my childhood all those years ago. It made me realize than rather than saying that they were bad, the whole situation, including my parents, felt more like a simulation; underdeveloped for them, so to speak.

I could care less about anger or what runs in the family now, as being in Herkimer taught me that those incapable of doing their jobs right cannot be trusted and that only I can be capable of being more like myself when I'm on my own. Either that, or everyone "tries" to be an adult.

Even when I tried talking about my mother about how she loved me, she said she loved me as a son instead. Still, I found myself discontent with the subject matter, as I think that family just wasn't my thing for me (and it still isn't). Even my extended family don't see us the same way now and don't even want to bother cooking a traditional Christmas meal as now they've cooked a ham last year and a pork loin the year before. And I'm getting a little fed up with seeing them, too and having to be still treated like a kid when I know we could be doing more and they could be doing more to treat us better (and maybe even "throw down" on their dinner and humiliate dad about his affair in the process, but such matters would have to wait, as I still need to plan out how the heck I'm going to figure out the situation. I suspect I would need to stay in a hotel for a couple of days (of which I need money which I don't have). I could wait it out for a couple more years, maybe wait until I have proper gloves to throw down the non-turkey meat and even bring my own food before that happens). Though I doubt that time will come.

You're probably wondering why things are like this for my family (or at least, what's left of it since now I barely ever hear from my mother's side now that grandma died more than 2 years ago), especially when the heat and pressure were put on my dad by my extended family, who pressured him to get a job more so than my mother, despite the fact that my mom is the self-proclaimed "breadwinner" of the family, since she earns more than my dad? Gender and societal roles, I suppose, as I mentioned before. Though even then I'm constantly reminded of the situation between them by my mom, as she tends to give out the most info than anyone else in the family. Even when she lost her job, most of the blame was put on her because of everything we amounted to, making it seem that my dad was more the "woman" in my life than my mom, especially considering how he cooks more so and better than my mom (as mildly sexist as that sounded), despite now that I only cook as much, if not more, and cook different meals rather than a handful of the same. I was told how modest I was and how "original" my cookings were.

My dad, since he worked as an architect, worked at home occasionally due to it mostly being freelance, but when it comes to bills and payments, my mother dominates that field, even going so far to give my dad $500 for paying rent, which seems a little unnecessary as I think my dad is more than capable of paying the rent without her help (not to sound as though I'm trying to make my dad 1-upped to society's standards or whatever). He's also younger than my mom, which may make it seem a bit dubious according to society since men are mainly the older ones in couples and relationships.

Because of all this (and because of how more so difficult it is for me to talk about my problems and my troubling history with my family as it seemed to have been swept under the rug by everyone in my family need they lest be reminded of the subjects), I tried to make sure that I didn't turn out like my parents, but now it just seems that because of how I'm taller, sport a beard, and mainly cook for my family, I just come around to be more of the "dad" in the family, as well as leaving that sort of possible impression on other people, like my last roommate who asked me to "Be his dad" because he couldn't sort his life out or whatever or needed someone to tell him what to do.

But while this may be colloquially and relatively expected of me by society's standards, I feel more left out and at an impasse. Now that I could care less about making friends or having a girlfriend at this point and time in my life until later on (as I heard that it gets easier by your late 20s to date, especially now that the first 3 years outside of college tend to be hell), my range of people to focus on tend to be those younger or older than me, never in between. But since I gain more of my understanding and awareness from older people, I may find it that I would gleam myself onto raising a relationship with an older partner, or an older woman to be exact. Though I would make sure not to pursue any relationships with women 5-10+ years older than me, not because I have standards or anything, but because I don't want that kind of relationship, just so we're clear. The reason why I say that is that maybe deep down, a small part of me aside from the tea, novels, comic books, etc. that comfort me, wants to be caressed by a so called "mother-figure." I can't say for certain and I don't want to sound like I'm desperate or need someone to "be my mom." I'm a big boy and I can take care of myself just fine. I just need others to think and feel that I need to be congratulated because of it. It's not that big of a deal.

But when approaching the relationship matter, this would always come to me as a surprise. I'm not saying that I'll never experience this stuff or that I never will (because it could happen to me one day; I just haven't realized it because I'm not a people person or whatever), but between making the first move, "being a man", finding "the one", breakups, etc., it's amazing to see young people wrap their heads around the subject and causing those fears to be reciprocated onto others on the internet, thinking that they too would end up the same. It may sound corny, but just be oneself, I suppose. But it can be nerve-wracking having to focus on something that's just never been considered to you or hasn't really or can't really be brought up as well until good therapy or the right person comes along to understand (and it may be one or the other on that one, too).



Indominus
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01 Feb 2019, 6:49 pm

Keep in mind that the full title was supposed to be "-people and their needs"

Also, I probably won't go into a relationship now and have sex because my little sister looks up to me all the time and I don't want to risk her losing me or whatever



BeaArthur
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02 Feb 2019, 1:07 am

Sorry, man. This was too difficult to read.


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Indominus
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02 Feb 2019, 5:26 pm

BeaArthur wrote:
Sorry, man. This was too difficult to read.


Difficult as in understanding the material or difficult as in too much going on? Either way, and I know it's not easy, but I tried very hard to make this as accessible as possible, especially given how hard it is to discuss such a subject and I don't want to feel like my efforts were thrown to waste because of it.



BeaArthur
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03 Feb 2019, 12:03 am

Ever heard of the Fog index? http://gunning-fog-index.com The number is the number of years of education it would require, to read and understand the content in one reading. Yours was 18.13, meaning six years of university or approximately a master's or doctorate.

I've close to that, but the syntax was sufficiently discursive that I just couldn't force myself. Too, it seemed you were taking a very long time to come to the point.

I see nobody else has responded, either. People are willing to consider and help if they can. Maybe you could rephrase your issue in 1/3 the number of words?


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kraftiekortie
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03 Feb 2019, 1:09 am

I just see a young guy trying to sort things out.

You seem to be the “sensible one,” and might be irritated by that fact.

Are you almost done with school?



The_Face_of_Boo
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03 Feb 2019, 1:32 am

I read it just fine and I am not even a native English speaker.

I think the main problem is that it may be just too long for many.



blazingstar
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03 Feb 2019, 8:45 am

I have read the entire passage and while I can understand it, I am not sure how to respond. I think Kortie has it, the OP is trying to figure things out and doesn't know which parts are important or what he really is asking. He is describing a situation. This is not a criticism. I have felt that way most of my life as I tried to figure out what was going on.

People on this forum really do want to help but sometimes don't know what to say. OP, please ask a question or two, so we know where to start.

Remember that most of us have communication deficits and being confused is part and parcel of most aspergian lives.


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QuantumChemist
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03 Feb 2019, 10:51 am

blazingstar wrote:
I have read the entire passage and while I can understand it, I am not sure how to respond. I think Kortie has it, the OP is trying to figure things out and doesn't know which parts are important or what he really is asking. He is describing a situation. This is not a criticism. I have felt that way most of my life as I tried to figure out what was going on.

People on this forum really do want to help but sometimes don't know what to say. OP, please ask a question or two, so we know where to start.

Remember that most of us have communication deficits and being confused is part and parcel of most aspergian lives.


I agree. I read the post and just do not know what to say to help him. It seems like the family issues seem to dominate over issues most people his age would typically have. Those issues can be much harder to fix compared to posts seeking dating advice.



Indominus
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06 Feb 2019, 8:49 pm

Before I'll go into any further detail, I just want a heads up that I'm not ignoring this thread since I've been busy with classes and all that so I won't have a complete response until Friday or Saturday depending on how I am.

As for now, as what kortie said, I only have this semester and the next fall, which'll be my last.



Indominus
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17 Feb 2019, 12:11 am

Ok after dealing with a lot of crap at school with being lonely, I've come back to elaborate on this after making it seem that I abandoned the subject.

First and foremost, the point of all this is how I view relationships, based on my past history with people and, of course, my mother. And I've been giving the subject of relationships the runabout because I'm afraid of having a response that perforates everything I've built up to this point. I'm honestly afraid of discussing this because I feel that it's only just going to be glossed over because "I'm young" or "I have plenty of time or my whole life ahead of me to think things over." But the problem is that then and now aren't so different as opposed to the future. Especially when you consider life experiences with people between an 8-year span. Why 8 years? Well, between last year when I was 20 and 8 years ago when I was 12, I dealt with a lot of changes with people during those years and being 28 might be no different than compared to 21, when I still may be doubtful of things over and maybe even realize that there's a building point to all this: That I'm bound to really find someone who's like my mother, but is also capable of possibly being my surrogate mother in a way. Just as how I see that my relationship with my mother just seems like pandering towards me being a sort of husband to her or whatever, even when that subject just sends signals of being glossed over.

And that's just the point. I'm practically bound to finding someone who's like my mother based on my nature and also based on the situation given. I'm not saying that I want or need to take control of the situation. I just need to know - why? Why is it like this?

The problem of me feeling nothing right now is that before I joined this forum, before I started college (or in this case, community college), after having a crappy high school experience, I though I could make amends with making a good foundation for myself by going to a "good" school with "good professors and tuition." But in the end, I found myself bitter...extremely bitter. Even if people could care to a certain extent; even if we are responsible for our own happiness; then there is no doubt that we could make another person make us care for us with all their heart and soul (and also the same for us, too). But even then, must there be a sacrifice to happiness? Can time really change a man?

I'm still trying to learn and make sense of the world at hand. Maybe I don't or shouldn't want to feel accepted but good God, there should be a sign for my loneliness. I've been abandoned by a lot, and I mean, a lot of people in the past year. The fact that I've broken so many times just proves how far I had to go to get here to this point. And even then, I still feel broken. And now I realize that between 12 and 20, and eventually what I'll become of by 28 (because that's not what I'm hoping to happen, but I think what is), finding mentors and doing well in school may be the only, and I mean, "only" thing going for me, in addition to trying to learn on my behalf of improving my knowledge of the world and also trying to learn what I have that others don't.

I say I want to "throw down" on my extended family, but in reality, I sometimes see myself as a Frankenstein creation. I'm just "there" to learn and witness that the worst people are not the ones who kill or maim (well, obviously, that is bad, but what I'm trying to say is besides the point if that makes sense), but people who can't do their jobs right. I know that when being a teen there were times that I may have hated my family or tried to rebel against them, but in reality, I just wanted to love them and make them happy.

And that's what it's all about. Realizing that my realization came from abandonment and isolation from being a child, and only then is it furthered upon by my parents after that they lost their jobs. It was only then that we all saw our realization: none of us ever saw it coming.

And now, because of what has happened to me, because of being abandoned for so long, I feel that the only way to ever find happiness or peace...may be to abandon the foundation that have set me out the most: my family.

And so, despite what I say about my Dad and everything, it's only just that I feel that everything's been reciprocated down onto me. And rather quote what society says of XYZ or men and women or whatever, I've come to terms now that it just...is. I don't care anymore. If I'm bound to find someone who's like my mother and tries to be my mother, then so be it. Because now it seems that that's the kind of woman I seem to attract.

I hope this is good enough of an explanation. It may not be the best, but that's only because it ever so reaches the surface of things. Just like other subjects this forum tackles. If this doesn't help, then I don't know what else will.