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blackicmenace
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13 Feb 2019, 8:36 pm

Kitty, something tells me you are hearing what others are saying, but you are not listening to what everyone is trying to tell you. Please don't let this person set your boundaries, you are free as a bird and if he won't let you fly you might really want to think about what people that care about you are trying to tell you. Sometimes when someone has strong feelings about someone else they want to overlook the negative, please don't tune us out Kitty.


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IsabellaLinton
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13 Feb 2019, 8:43 pm

Are you happy to have a boyfriend you've never met, whom you've never kissed, who doesn't help you from day to day, who is on the other side of the world from you and telling you not to be friends with other guys? Don't you see that this is emotional abuse because he wants you to feel guilty for having friends? If he's this possessive without even meeting you, can you imagine how controlling he would be in person? This is not normal, Kitty. None of it is. Sorry to be honest but we all agree. Don't let him tell you his behaviour is "romantic" ... because it isn't.


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Kitty4670
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13 Feb 2019, 11:06 pm

blackicmenace wrote:
Kitty, something tells me you are hearing what others are saying, but you are not listening to what everyone is trying to tell you. Please don't let this person set your boundaries, you are free as a bird and if he won't let you fly you might really want to think about what people that care about you are trying to tell you. Sometimes when someone has strong feelings about someone else they want to overlook the negative, please don't tune us out Kitty.

I already know this, I’m thinking of breaking up with him.


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blackicmenace
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14 Feb 2019, 12:51 am

Kitty4670 wrote:
blackicmenace wrote:
Kitty, something tells me you are hearing what others are saying, but you are not listening to what everyone is trying to tell you. Please don't let this person set your boundaries, you are free as a bird and if he won't let you fly you might really want to think about what people that care about you are trying to tell you. Sometimes when someone has strong feelings about someone else they want to overlook the negative, please don't tune us out Kitty.

I already know this, I’m thinking of breaking up with him.

Okay, I am sorry. As the saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea.


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auntblabby
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14 Feb 2019, 12:55 am

Kitty, you are still young, you have plenty of time still.



Kitty4670
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15 Feb 2019, 2:28 am

auntblabby wrote:
Kitty, you are still young, you have plenty of time still.


I’m still young :lol: I’m 48 :( :cry: :cry:


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auntblabby
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15 Feb 2019, 4:16 am

Kitty4670 wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
Kitty, you are still young, you have plenty of time still.


I’m still young :lol: I’m 48 :( :cry: :cry:

over a decade younger than me.



Sweetleaf
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15 Feb 2019, 6:38 pm

AngelRho wrote:
I don’t entirely agree. It might be control. But I also feel it’s about loyalty. If you’re committed to someone, what are you doing spending time with other men?

It’s not cool to bring that up, and I understand why. But it also makes men (AND WOMEN!! !) powerless to expect that their SO won’t either fall into temptation to cheat or fall prey to a manipulator. I know good and well I’m attracted to other women and prone to cheating. What do I do about it? I stay away from women I’m not married to.

And I can say without a single ounce of projection that yes, a lot of men will take advantage of women at the first opportunity and con women into believing it’s what THEY want or that it was THEIR idea. It’s not my wife I mistrust. It’s other men. If you say you are committed to someone in a relationship, you should ACT like it and not invite trouble. Knowing that others want you and acting like the feelings of SO’s don’t matter is not the way to show your love for someone. It shows you want someone else’s attention. Why risk it? If your friendships with MOOS are more important to you than with your SO, maybe you’re not that serious about the relationship and you should end it.

And yes, I’m serious about all of that.

That said, however...

I generally take a negative view of online-only relationships. It looks to me that those are really mostly fantasy relationships anyway. If it were me, I’d divulge relatively little about my meatspace relationships and just do whatever I wanted. You’re not being dishonest. It’s just what you do with other men is flat none of his business. I mean...do you honestly believe he’s not seeing other women? People do often project their own guilt onto their partners. He might be jealous of your other men because he’s struggling with actual cheating himself.

I’m not in a position to say he’s right OR that he’s being controlling. Only you can say. Perhaps, though, you do need to assess just how important he is to you and how much he really deserves to know about your personal life.


So if one enters into an exclusive relationship they should cut off all their friends who are the same sex as their partner. Or once in a relationship from that point forward the only person of the opposite gender they can interact with in a friendly manner is their partner.

I am glad in me and my boyfriends relationship we have a simple thing called trust and we both have enough self control to be aware of finding other people attractive...and then not acting on it. I'd hate a relationship where we're both checking up on each other to make sure the other isn't cheating because neither one of us can trust ourselves to keep our pants on around other men/women.

I mean its understandable for a person to get suspicious if their partner is constantly going off to hang out with some other guy/girl. But almost sounds like you think it's inappropriate for someone in a relationship to even interact with another man or woman than their partner. That seems a bit extreme.



Kitty4670
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16 Feb 2019, 2:06 am

It’s just talking to guys online, not hanging out in person, I don’t have alot of male friends anyway. I already gave up two guy friends, they were from the dating app.


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IsabellaLinton
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16 Feb 2019, 2:11 am

Will you stop being friends with the men on WP?
Posting back and forth with men on here is the same thing as "talking to guys online".


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The_Face_of_Boo
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16 Feb 2019, 3:07 am

My ex girlfriend was jealous like that, she wanted me to stop chatting with other women especially those who are younger than her.
Yet she cheated on me with two men on two different times.

Me on the other hand, never put my nose in her ‘friendships’.

Trust? I can’t afford this anymore.



Kitty4670
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16 Feb 2019, 4:07 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Will you stop being friends with the men on WP?
Posting back and forth with men on here is the same thing as "talking to guys online".


I will still be their friend.


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Kitty4670
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16 Feb 2019, 4:15 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
My ex girlfriend was jealous like that, she wanted me to stop chatting with other women especially those who are younger than her.
Yet she cheated on me with two men on two different times.

Me on the other hand, never put my nose in her ‘friendships’.

Trust? I can’t afford this anymore.


My boyfriend told me, he doesn’t want me talk to men younger than him, he’s afraid they will take me away from him.


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BeaArthur
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16 Feb 2019, 4:18 am

Kitty, how did your big Valentine's Day video chat go?


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IsabellaLinton
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16 Feb 2019, 8:30 am

Kitty4670 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
My ex girlfriend was jealous like that, she wanted me to stop chatting with other women especially those who are younger than her.
Yet she cheated on me with two men on two different times.

Me on the other hand, never put my nose in her ‘friendships’.

Trust? I can’t afford this anymore.


My boyfriend told me, he doesn’t want me talk to men younger than him, he’s afraid they will take me away from him.


How does this make you feel, Kitty? Do you think that's reasonable?


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AngelRho
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16 Feb 2019, 8:37 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
My ex girlfriend was jealous like that, she wanted me to stop chatting with other women especially those who are younger than her.
Yet she cheated on me with two men on two different times.

Me on the other hand, never put my nose in her ‘friendships’.

Trust? I can’t afford this anymore.

This is exactly where I’m coming from, Boo.

My problem: I’m a clarinetist and a pianist. When I get together with other musicians, it’s always been women. Back when I was active in local theater, I always got picked for roles in which my character had an on-stage love interest. In the last role I had, I was cast opposite a young woman who had been a teenager when I first met her. We’d make out from time to time until we were comfortable being physical, and the chemistry worked onstage as a result. I was married and already had one child by this point.

Between community bands, church orchestra, theater, etc., being close to women was always hard NOT to do. I’m also a teacher...so, again, I’m in a female-dominated profession.

After that last play, I quit theater. Maybe I’ll go back one day. Part of it was a need to commit more time to my family, and I don’t regret that. The actress and I had become close, naturally, but I cut off contact with her after the final performance. She married the guy she was dating, she moved away, sent me one email, and I never responded. I don’t want to be that close to another woman. That place is reserved for my wife. I know she wouldn’t mind if I took a role like that again, but I just don’t want to be that close to anyone else.

And despite how I have many friends among clarinetists and pianists, I don’t stay in regular contact with them. Same thing. That spot is reserved for my wife.

When you’re NOT married, it’s not like that. Boo, your problem is the same problem men everywhere face. Men are trained to be not simply non-violent, but actually PASSIVE when it comes to treatment by women. Blame it on living in a post-feminist, #MeToo world. WE are expected to cave to a woman’s every whim whether it’s good or fair to us or not, while women can do what they want with no fear of consequences. Outside marriage, she can lie, cheat, yell, scream, and beat you and you can’t do a single thing about it.

Women are viewed as needing protection, and I believe they really do need it in ways men don’t. The feminists get this much right. So it catches people by surprise when men stand up and assert their own rights within a relationship. My views on “protected classes” or the “victim class” are no secret on WP. It’s just site rules prevent me from discussing those views. But so-called victims run wild and unchecked on people like me, and that’s unfair since I can’t defend myself. I tell these people “I’m not allowed to respond to that, so I respectfully ask you to stop.” When they don’t, I report them to the mods and someone else takes care of it.

In the real world, you DO have the right as a man to expect certain things of your SO and to communicate your expectations. If she insists on keeping company with other men, there’s not much you can really do to stop her. You simply tell her, for example, that you don’t trust other men around her and you’re uncomfortable with them getting too close. You tell her you expect the relationship to be exclusive. You ask her to show she can be trusted by not being alone with other men or spending significant time talking to other men. You can’t stop her if she refuses, but you can tell her that you’re uncomfortable with her other male relationships and believe she would be happier dating someone else. In short, “it’s him or me.”

What will eventually when you do this is, yes, you’ll lose a lot of women. But the women you date the longest will be the kinds of women who DON’T keep company with a lot of other men and who only want to be with you. You’re not going to be worried about what she’s doing because you already know what she’s doing and who she’s with. As a man, this is just the smart way to go. If you don’t tell your woman you’re uncomfortable with her behavior, you only have yourself to blame when you allow yourself to be mistreated.

It may sound like I’m being unfairly negative towards women and unfair towards Kitty. The same principle applies whether you’re a man or a woman. It doesn’t matter. Men shouldn’t let women control them any more than women want to be controlled by men. If a man is being controlling, get rid of him. I’d say the same thing if a woman is being controlling of a man. You’re not married. Either of you can come and go as you please. What YOU have to decide is whether continuing the relationship is worth it. Most often it’s NOT worth it (when you get married, you are rejecting all of your past relationships plus all future relationships that could have been), because MOST relationships WILL fail.

Kitty’s problem is that her relationship is strictly virtual. It’s non-objective. That means her relationship is governed by non-objective rules. She can cheat on her bf if she wants to without any fear of consequences. All her bf is really asking her to do is maintain their fantasy existence. He can be a sadistic SOB and she can play the bad girl who needs spanking. She can even fake cry on webcam just to make him happy, and then turn right around and have dinner and a ONS with some other guy and nobody ever has to know anything ever happened. And if this guy pisses her off, she can ghost him. It’s as simple as that.

If I got caught cheating on my wife (my wife knew about the girl from the theater, knew everything that was going on, I was always the first to tell her, and it wasn’t a big deal), my wife could basically throw me out on the street with nothing. Same if she was cheating me. We have the right to do that. Dating doesn’t give you that luxury, so you really have to be careful who you date. And because you don’t have those kinds of legal obligations, you can walk whenever you feel like it. Kitty has to decide whether to dump this guy. But more importantly, Kitty needs to understand the parameters of healthy relationships.