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AngelRho
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16 Feb 2019, 8:37 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
My ex girlfriend was jealous like that, she wanted me to stop chatting with other women especially those who are younger than her.
Yet she cheated on me with two men on two different times.

Me on the other hand, never put my nose in her ‘friendships’.

Trust? I can’t afford this anymore.

This is exactly where I’m coming from, Boo.

My problem: I’m a clarinetist and a pianist. When I get together with other musicians, it’s always been women. Back when I was active in local theater, I always got picked for roles in which my character had an on-stage love interest. In the last role I had, I was cast opposite a young woman who had been a teenager when I first met her. We’d make out from time to time until we were comfortable being physical, and the chemistry worked onstage as a result. I was married and already had one child by this point.

Between community bands, church orchestra, theater, etc., being close to women was always hard NOT to do. I’m also a teacher...so, again, I’m in a female-dominated profession.

After that last play, I quit theater. Maybe I’ll go back one day. Part of it was a need to commit more time to my family, and I don’t regret that. The actress and I had become close, naturally, but I cut off contact with her after the final performance. She married the guy she was dating, she moved away, sent me one email, and I never responded. I don’t want to be that close to another woman. That place is reserved for my wife. I know she wouldn’t mind if I took a role like that again, but I just don’t want to be that close to anyone else.

And despite how I have many friends among clarinetists and pianists, I don’t stay in regular contact with them. Same thing. That spot is reserved for my wife.

When you’re NOT married, it’s not like that. Boo, your problem is the same problem men everywhere face. Men are trained to be not simply non-violent, but actually PASSIVE when it comes to treatment by women. Blame it on living in a post-feminist, #MeToo world. WE are expected to cave to a woman’s every whim whether it’s good or fair to us or not, while women can do what they want with no fear of consequences. Outside marriage, she can lie, cheat, yell, scream, and beat you and you can’t do a single thing about it.

Women are viewed as needing protection, and I believe they really do need it in ways men don’t. The feminists get this much right. So it catches people by surprise when men stand up and assert their own rights within a relationship. My views on “protected classes” or the “victim class” are no secret on WP. It’s just site rules prevent me from discussing those views. But so-called victims run wild and unchecked on people like me, and that’s unfair since I can’t defend myself. I tell these people “I’m not allowed to respond to that, so I respectfully ask you to stop.” When they don’t, I report them to the mods and someone else takes care of it.

In the real world, you DO have the right as a man to expect certain things of your SO and to communicate your expectations. If she insists on keeping company with other men, there’s not much you can really do to stop her. You simply tell her, for example, that you don’t trust other men around her and you’re uncomfortable with them getting too close. You tell her you expect the relationship to be exclusive. You ask her to show she can be trusted by not being alone with other men or spending significant time talking to other men. You can’t stop her if she refuses, but you can tell her that you’re uncomfortable with her other male relationships and believe she would be happier dating someone else. In short, “it’s him or me.”

What will eventually when you do this is, yes, you’ll lose a lot of women. But the women you date the longest will be the kinds of women who DON’T keep company with a lot of other men and who only want to be with you. You’re not going to be worried about what she’s doing because you already know what she’s doing and who she’s with. As a man, this is just the smart way to go. If you don’t tell your woman you’re uncomfortable with her behavior, you only have yourself to blame when you allow yourself to be mistreated.

It may sound like I’m being unfairly negative towards women and unfair towards Kitty. The same principle applies whether you’re a man or a woman. It doesn’t matter. Men shouldn’t let women control them any more than women want to be controlled by men. If a man is being controlling, get rid of him. I’d say the same thing if a woman is being controlling of a man. You’re not married. Either of you can come and go as you please. What YOU have to decide is whether continuing the relationship is worth it. Most often it’s NOT worth it (when you get married, you are rejecting all of your past relationships plus all future relationships that could have been), because MOST relationships WILL fail.

Kitty’s problem is that her relationship is strictly virtual. It’s non-objective. That means her relationship is governed by non-objective rules. She can cheat on her bf if she wants to without any fear of consequences. All her bf is really asking her to do is maintain their fantasy existence. He can be a sadistic SOB and she can play the bad girl who needs spanking. She can even fake cry on webcam just to make him happy, and then turn right around and have dinner and a ONS with some other guy and nobody ever has to know anything ever happened. And if this guy pisses her off, she can ghost him. It’s as simple as that.

If I got caught cheating on my wife (my wife knew about the girl from the theater, knew everything that was going on, I was always the first to tell her, and it wasn’t a big deal), my wife could basically throw me out on the street with nothing. Same if she was cheating me. We have the right to do that. Dating doesn’t give you that luxury, so you really have to be careful who you date. And because you don’t have those kinds of legal obligations, you can walk whenever you feel like it. Kitty has to decide whether to dump this guy. But more importantly, Kitty needs to understand the parameters of healthy relationships.



magz
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16 Feb 2019, 10:36 am

AngelRho wrote:
In the real world, you DO have the right as a man to expect certain things of your SO and to communicate your expectations. If she insists on keeping company with other men, there’s not much you can really do to stop her. You simply tell her, for example, that you don’t trust other men around her and you’re uncomfortable with them getting too close. You tell her you expect the relationship to be exclusive. You ask her to show she can be trusted by not being alone with other men or spending significant time talking to other men. You can’t stop her if she refuses, but you can tell her that you’re uncomfortable with her other male relationships and believe she would be happier dating someone else. In short, “it’s him or me.”

What will eventually when you do this is, yes, you’ll lose a lot of women. But the women you date the longest will be the kinds of women who DON’T keep company with a lot of other men and who only want to be with you. You’re not going to be worried about what she’s doing because you already know what she’s doing and who she’s with. As a man, this is just the smart way to go. If you don’t tell your woman you’re uncomfortable with her behavior, you only have yourself to blame when you allow yourself to be mistreated.

I think those two paragraphs are the meat of it:
You have to both agree on the shape of your relationship or you better leave it quickly.
It's that simple.

I couldn't marry you, AngelRho, I work in STEM and I've had more male than female friends since I was 10. I hanged out with them all the time - never anything sexual about it. I accept that you could be uncomfortable with such a wife - okay, you find a different one, I find a different husband. Be honest with each other and set the boundaries where you are both comfortable.


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IsabellaLinton
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16 Feb 2019, 10:39 am

Quote:
Kitty’s problem is that her relationship is strictly virtual. It’s non-objective. That means her relationship is governed by non-objective rules. She can cheat on her bf if she wants to without any fear of consequences. All her bf is really asking her to do is maintain their fantasy existence. He can be a sadistic SOB and she can play the bad girl who needs spanking. She can even fake cry on webcam just to make him happy, and then turn right around and have dinner and a ONS with some other guy and nobody ever has to know anything ever happened. And if this guy pisses her off, she can ghost him. It’s as simple as that.

If I got caught cheating on my wife (my wife knew about the girl from the theater, knew everything that was going on, I was always the first to tell her, and it wasn’t a big deal), my wife could basically throw me out on the street with nothing. Same if she was cheating me. We have the right to do that. Dating doesn’t give you that luxury, so you really have to be careful who you date. And because you don’t have those kinds of legal obligations, you can walk whenever you feel like it. Kitty has to decide whether to dump this guy. But more importantly, Kitty needs to understand the parameters of healthy relationships.


Brilliant. :heart:



nick007
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16 Feb 2019, 12:35 pm

I would have a problem if a woman I was in a romantic realtionship with wanted to befriend guys on dating sties. It's one thing to use a dating site if we're not an official couple but she should quit chatting with guys on there(& women if she's bi) 1ce our relationship becomes official. I used LOTS of dating sites in the past & I quit using them 1ce I got in my 2nd realtionship & I stopped again 1ce I got in my current. My reasoning is that befriending the opposite sex on dating sites kind of gives/sends the wrong impression to them. Things would be different if it was also a friendship site instead of just a dating/hookup site. I wouldn't have a problem with that as long as she made it clear to guys she was only interested in friendship with them & that she was taken.

I don't really care if my girlfriend has guy friends for the most part thou as long as they are good people. I had problems with my 1st girlfriend being friends with one guy but that's because he used to give/sell her drugs & she was trying to quit. He had also taken sexual advantage of her while she was on drugs before me & her got together. I really don't think wanting Emily to cut out that one guy "friend" was unreasonable under the circumstances. Me & my current girlfriend don't really have any friends where we live so none of this is really an issue. I trust her & she trust me not to cheat. I actually would kind of want her to have a friend even if it was a guy cuz it might would be good for her to have some offline friends she can actually do stuff with if she wanted to.


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