I think I now understand the reason for my dating history

Page 1 of 1 [ 6 posts ] 

CubsBullsBears
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 8 Jul 2016
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Posts: 177
Location: Iowa

12 Feb 2019, 1:33 pm

Over the years, I have had multiple girlfriends. The problem is, those relationships only lasted a few weeks, before they decide they've had enough of me. I explained this in a thread a year and a half ago. Here's the link:

viewtopic.php?t=356892

Since then, I dated a girl who was a couple years younger than me(I was in 11th, she was in 9th), and that lasted about a little over a month, but she was sooooooo focused on school that she decided she didn't have time to be in a relationship.

There was also a fellow aspie who I met over the summer, but, let's just say that it was bad timing for us.

Now I'm single again. And, I now realize why I've had all these relationships fall apart after such a short time.

I don't think that I LOOK like I have a disability, so the ladies see me as a normal, good looking guy. But after we become BF/GF, she notices a lot of odd things about me, and things don't get better from there.

I think what I need to do now is to be open with any potential girlfriend about my aspergers. Hopefully there's someone out there who is willing to accept it.



AngelRho
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,740
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile

12 Feb 2019, 4:32 pm

You sound like a normal teenager to me. Don’t sweat it.

Relationships are supposed to be volatile at your age. That’s why I’m never allowing my kids to date. You at least have had girlfriends before, and that puts you ahead of the curve here on WP. So if you want a gf in the future, don’t change a thing.

Keeping her...well, that’s the real problem. That’s just not realistic in hs. I had a gf all through hs who followed me to college and became abusive towards me. Not only does it not work...it SHOULD not work. You grow, mature, figure out what you’re good at and what really makes you happy, and what you thought was best in hs ends up being the stuff of nightmares later on. Relationships work better when you both are confident in what you want for yourselves, and it might take a long time for some people to figure that out.

Another way of saying it is: you’re not gonna keep the girl in hs when you go to college, and you probably won’t marry the girl in college. Maybe you’ll make it, but it’s not likely. I’ve known couples who did make it, but not many.

I also learned the hard way girls at my school weren’t the way to go. I did better with other girls, and there were a few in college I had a lot of fun with. Except for the one girl in hs, most of my relationships were sadly too short. My last college gf brought me full circle, from desperately trying to hang on to fully accepting parting ways was best for us both. I eventually married another girl I met in college who’d always been my best friend even afterwards. We’ve known each other nearly 20 years now and our oldest kid is in 6th grade.

If you’ve had at least the good luck you’ve had so far, you’ll make it. Keep hanging in there.



Sweetleaf
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 30,370
Location: Somewhere in Colorado

15 Feb 2019, 7:13 pm

AngelRho wrote:
You sound like a normal teenager to me. Don’t sweat it.

Relationships are supposed to be volatile at your age. That’s why I’m never allowing my kids to date. You at least have had girlfriends before, and that puts you ahead of the curve here on WP. So if you want a gf in the future, don’t change a thing.

Keeping her...well, that’s the real problem. That’s just not realistic in hs. I had a gf all through hs who followed me to college and became abusive towards me. Not only does it not work...it SHOULD not work. You grow, mature, figure out what you’re good at and what really makes you happy, and what you thought was best in hs ends up being the stuff of nightmares later on. Relationships work better when you both are confident in what you want for yourselves, and it might take a long time for some people to figure that out.

Another way of saying it is: you’re not gonna keep the girl in hs when you go to college, and you probably won’t marry the girl in college. Maybe you’ll make it, but it’s not likely. I’ve known couples who did make it, but not many.

I also learned the hard way girls at my school weren’t the way to go. I did better with other girls, and there were a few in college I had a lot of fun with. Except for the one girl in hs, most of my relationships were sadly too short. My last college gf brought me full circle, from desperately trying to hang on to fully accepting parting ways was best for us both. I eventually married another girl I met in college who’d always been my best friend even afterwards. We’ve known each other nearly 20 years now and our oldest kid is in 6th grade.

If you’ve had at least the good luck you’ve had so far, you’ll make it. Keep hanging in there.


Preventing your kids from normal teenage behavior probably isn't going to benefit them in any way. I think all the 'No dating while you live under this roof' mentality just causes resentment and they'll probably just date behind your back...or are you going to start attending school with them?

I never get when parents do things or try to do things to set back their kids, just makes it all the much harder when you miss out on normal experiences for your age group and feel you have to catch up in adulthood.


_________________
It's the end of the world as we know it.....and I feel fine(sarcasm for that last bit).


alien91
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 26 Sep 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 95
Location: Tn,USA

16 Feb 2019, 12:05 am

AngelRho wrote:
You sound like a normal teenager to me. Don’t sweat it.

Relationships are supposed to be volatile at your age. That’s why I’m never allowing my kids to date. You at least have had girlfriends before, and that puts you ahead of the curve here on WP. So if you want a gf in the future, don’t change a thing.

Keeping her...well, that’s the real problem. That’s just not realistic in hs. I had a gf all through hs who followed me to college and became abusive towards me. Not only does it not work...it SHOULD not work. You grow, mature, figure out what you’re good at and what really makes you happy, and what you thought was best in hs ends up being the stuff of nightmares later on. Relationships work better when you both are confident in what you want for yourselves, and it might take a long time for some people to figure that out.

Another way of saying it is: you’re not gonna keep the girl in hs when you go to college, and you probably won’t marry the girl in college. Maybe you’ll make it, but it’s not likely. I’ve known couples who did make it, but not many.

I also learned the hard way girls at my school weren’t the way to go. I did better with other girls, and there were a few in college I had a lot of fun with. Except for the one girl in hs, most of my relationships were sadly too short. My last college gf brought me full circle, from desperately trying to hang on to fully accepting parting ways was best for us both. I eventually married another girl I met in college who’d always been my best friend even afterwards. We’ve known each other nearly 20 years now and our oldest kid is in 6th grade.

If you’ve had at least the good luck you’ve had so far, you’ll make it. Keep hanging in there.

So, you think it is desirable to stunt your kids and put them behind everyone else? I had that happen to me and I am still trying to catch up at age 28. It isn't pretty.



rdos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 58
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,795
Location: Sweden

16 Feb 2019, 4:53 pm

I pretty much disagree with not "dating" in hs or college. In my experience, that was the best, and by far, easiest time to practice ND courtship. I had a very nice experience in hs and then another in college. They both lasted more than a year. When I started my MSc education, there were very few girls and those that were interested in STEM subjects were extremely picky and so I went through without getting interested in any girl. Actually, it took over 30 years until I found something better than the hs and college romances.



AngelRho
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,740
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile

16 Feb 2019, 8:28 pm

alien91 wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
You sound like a normal teenager to me. Don’t sweat it.

Relationships are supposed to be volatile at your age. That’s why I’m never allowing my kids to date. You at least have had girlfriends before, and that puts you ahead of the curve here on WP. So if you want a gf in the future, don’t change a thing.

Keeping her...well, that’s the real problem. That’s just not realistic in hs. I had a gf all through hs who followed me to college and became abusive towards me. Not only does it not work...it SHOULD not work. You grow, mature, figure out what you’re good at and what really makes you happy, and what you thought was best in hs ends up being the stuff of nightmares later on. Relationships work better when you both are confident in what you want for yourselves, and it might take a long time for some people to figure that out.

Another way of saying it is: you’re not gonna keep the girl in hs when you go to college, and you probably won’t marry the girl in college. Maybe you’ll make it, but it’s not likely. I’ve known couples who did make it, but not many.

I also learned the hard way girls at my school weren’t the way to go. I did better with other girls, and there were a few in college I had a lot of fun with. Except for the one girl in hs, most of my relationships were sadly too short. My last college gf brought me full circle, from desperately trying to hang on to fully accepting parting ways was best for us both. I eventually married another girl I met in college who’d always been my best friend even afterwards. We’ve known each other nearly 20 years now and our oldest kid is in 6th grade.

If you’ve had at least the good luck you’ve had so far, you’ll make it. Keep hanging in there.

So, you think it is desirable to stunt your kids and put them behind everyone else? I had that happen to me and I am still trying to catch up at age 28. It isn't pretty.

No, I find it desirable to put my kids ahead of the curve. Go to school, hit the books, either go to college on scholarship or hit the workforce, be the best at all you do, and WIN. Dating and relationships will work themselves out. I teach my kids to put first things first. Love life/social life is NOT what school is for. Why people find this so difficult is beyond me.

Well...I DO know why. More people tend to be ruled by emotions, by knee jerk reactions than by objective reality. My kids have the understanding that there’s more to learn from adult professionals than from their ditzy, knuckle-headed peers. Excellence is to be desired over relationships, and excellence draws people to each other—which, in turn, forms relationships.

We teach our kids to respect adults not for the sake of being older, but for what they have to offer. Ask my oldest son sometime what trying to get along with classmates has gotten him (bullying). Ask him what trying to please unreasonable teachers has done for him (low self-esteem). Ask him what makes him happy (drawing, writing stories, science, robots, playing his favorite TV themes on the piano). Dealing with delusional, unreasonable people is an exercise in self-destruction and I choose not to subject him to that. He’s above the influence of other 6th graders at his school, mostly girls, who are already taking part in risky behavior. He knows he doesn’t have to worry about some girl pressuring him or making demands, and he knows he’s free from that garbage throughout hs.

Our daughter knows she won’t be allowed to date, but I already know she’ll be better adjusted than her older brother. Just today we had her birthday party, and, oddly enough, no girls showed up. Well...I’m not really surprised. The girls in her class (4th grade) are obsessed over lip gloss and mobile games. She had more fun playing basketball with the boys who came to the party, and she even said it was the best party she’s ever had. This weekend she’s also playing the part of Molly in our school production of “Annie,” and she’s the only elementary student that got a significant supporting role. She gets along well with the musical director who, along with several others I’ve talked to, has really been impressed with her.

Both have their issues with socializing. But considering how well they do with the kinds of relationships they DO have, I’m not worried. When the time is right, they’ll do just fine.

Truth be told, I think school socializing as a standard for predicting socializing in the adult world is crap. I think some people are naturally more adept at winning over their peers than others. They don’t get that at school. Teachers teach academics, not how to make friends. The kids have to discover that on their own, and the results are bullying and harrassment. My daughter is smarter than the other girls and, quite frankly, prettier. And more talented. People tend to resent those ahead of the curve, so girls leave her out and ignore her. My son is imaginative and creative, so he gets picked on for being weird.

And you’re accusing ME of stunting my kids?

I’m teaching them to be grownups. What’s absolutely fascinating is watching them interact with younger kids where the do take on mentor-type roles. My daughter wants to run a pre-school or daycare one day. She has connected with a 4-year-old autistic girl and has been a tremendous positive influence on her whereas other kids have found her to be a little difficult. “Socializing” didn’t help my daughter become what this little girl needs. “Socializing” taught my daughter to avoid people who are different, just like “socializing” taught my son that he’s a worthless freak. I teach my kids to embrace who and what they are and to ignore the haters—even teachers if that’s what it takes.

When it comes to dating...well, that’s no different. We’re still talking about relationships. Waiting to date when it’s appropriate, NOT while in school, is not going to make any difference. If you are the type of person who CAN attract MOOS, you’ll be able to do that regardless of your level of experience. I only had one serious gf in hs. Only one. It was a big mistake, but that’s not my point. When I met the girl I married, it was about how we felt about each other, not how many others we’d slept with.

People that struggle with dating would have struggled whether they had experience or not. I did ok because I OBSESSED over all things female. I read my mom’s raunchy novels and her Redbook magazines. I watched daytime soaps, Dallas, and Dynasty, and was exposed to a slough of women’s media not the least of which was Oprah Winfrey. Oh yeah, and Divorce Court. So, yeah, I know what they market towards women based on women’s preferences. I have this down to a science. And if I were ever in the market again, I’d have no trouble finding someone. And I would tell my kids the same kinds of things if they ever needed to know. There’s a time and a place for that, and it’s not high school.

Leaf asked if I’d follow my kids to school...funny thing, my wife and I are both teachers and work at their school. So...yeah. We take our kids to work with us every day AND my wife runs an after-school daycare on-site. My kids help her out with that in between homework assignments.