The question of attractiveness

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It seems to me that people on this forum don't want to address the topic of attractiveness. Simply put, romantic feelings often, if not usually, begin with a feeling of attraction for another person. By which I mean physical attractiveness, although what goes into that varies by person. Part of it may be that the other person "looks" like the kind of person who would reciprocate their feelings of attraction, for whatever reason.

I see members of both sexes complaining that they can never get anything started with anybody, and others who seem to have been in a whole series of relationships (perhaps too many but that's a different topic). Whenever I see posts from the former, I find that I must assume they aren't attractive to many people. That's not fair, but unfortunately the world is like that.

I see some men being constantly advised that they "need to work on themselves" or told to be patient as the "right one will eventually turn up." Some of these guys might not in fact have much of a chance in the modern "dating" world.

Sometimes people are more attractive than they think. When I was in school, I was basically treated as an outcast so I never thought I was very attractive, yet occasionally I would ask girls on dates and they would accept (usually "one and done" once they had greater exposure to me as an individual). I eventually learned that some women have in fact found me quite attractive, which probably explains why women have even hit on me (although admittedly some of them had their own problems).

I have seen people whom most would consider ordinary-looking who nevertheless have pursued opposite-sex companionship without the least degree of self consciousness. I can remember one lady several years younger than I that I would never have noticed until it came to my attention that she was majorly into me, in which case I became quite smitten by her. For women, making their feelings of attraction for some guy explicit can radically change how the guys sees them. I have seen women on this site that I believe could benefit greatly from this, if they weren't too shy to try it. (the problem may be that this behavior is ridiculed in popular media but IRL it can be a winning strategy).

Finally though you have people who are simply not (term often used by Amy Schumer in her routines that begins with "f"). In a community like this one, there are probably more than the usual number of those. The fact is, these people have a real problem, however I have also seen people I would include in this category succeed in entering loving relationships. Usually though, they find partners who would also be considered equally unattractive by the average person. Nevertheless, it is considered wrong to suggest that anybody "settle" for a less-attractive partner. If a woman who looks like Gabourey Sidibe in "Precious" insists that she wants a relationship with a guy who looks like Liam Hemsworth, then nobody dare say anything to discourage her. I also tend to doubt that any guy here who complains that he's over 30 and has never had a date, is willing to consider women his own age (of whom countless examples may be found on a trip to any American shopping mall) who fit this description.

I am not offering any broad suggestion as to what to do about this except perhaps a willingness to address this issue more directly than most of us seem willing to do.

Looks do matter. The thing about weight is, people need to be realistic. A healthy weight for a girl my height is 107 to 135 or something like that.I have never been skinny and at my smallest (not counting puberty years) I was 185 or 195 which was in freshman year in high school. Now I am 257 and am working on slowly getting to 165 pounds.

I shower, wear makeup, dress nicely, accessorize, make sure my hair looks styled and wear perfume.

Yes, some need to be more realistic about what type of partner is attainable for them.. but from what I see, there's a whole lot more personal responsibility required in terms of making oneself more attractive in order to attract any partner. It seems a number of complainers here are told many times over that if they'd put time, effort, and energy into their own physical health & appearance that they'd fare better in terms of attracting a date or partner. But they seem extremely resistant to the idea that they have to put any effort into changing or improving themselves in order to attract others. They seem to be of the very stubborn belief that they're fine just the way they are and can't understand why anyone wouldn't be throwing themselves at them. In reality, this hasn't worked out well for any of them, and they continue to complain instead of take action and do anything about it.

Then there are those of us who make healthy diets & exercise, and in turn body composition, a priority in our lives who then reap the benefits of others being attracted to us. We have dates, hookups/sex, and for those interested in them, relationships. We share our collective experiences here on the forums for others to learn from, and some do, but for the most part it seems those who complain still don't make the connection between taking personal responsibility for one's own attractiveness & ability to attract others into their life and don't do a damned thing about affecting positive change on those things for themselves. Rinse and repeat. It's the same people getting healthier, fitter, more attractive and sexier who are enjoying better social lives, dating lives, sex lives, and relationships.. and the same others who do not accept objective reality & personal responsibility who continue to be frustrated with the lack of positive results they're getting in their own lives.

What more can any of us here do to impress upon others that they're going to get out of dating/sex/love & relationships exactly what they're willing to put into themselves in terms of self improvement, physical fitness, aesthetics, fashion etc?

It's like the guy who eats a whole cake & lb of bacon for breakfast complaining that he doesn't have a beach body. Well, no s**t, you didn't do the work required to build one - so why should you expect to have one?

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

I saw some of the 10 year chanllenge comparison.. and it was ..encouraging..

Not only a good attractive face matters, but also fit slim healthy body. In men or women, obesity or overweight is not attractive, neither is underweight or anorexic, regardless of attractive face, and in fact a sign of unhealthy.

Additionally, if personality is kind, and attitude is positive, then that person is all-round attractive, and healthy, both emotionally and physically. If you can find someone who is attractive in both categories, it’s the best case.

I think this thread has gone in a strange direction.

There has been advice about approving one's attractiveness through exercise, diet, and grooming; which is all valid. I can report that around age 30 when I started working out regularly, that I noticed a definite change in how young women related to me. Even ones who were in relationships became friendlier.

Nevertheless, much of what people have said simply reaffirms my initial premise that in this world, attractiveness is a big, possibly the biggest factor in determining who "gets lucky" with finding partners and who doesn't. In theory, anybody can improve, but there are also a great many who are simply unattractive, who are cursed with bizarre body shapes or really weird looking faces, and nobody seems to get the fact that these people will probably go through life alone. If you don't believe me, I could (but I won't) walk around the nearest shopping mall and take photos of a few people whose situation is hopeless in this regard. I wish there were some way to connect them with other equally hopeless members of their preferred gender and convince them to at least try to pretend they are attracted enough to each other to have a relationship (or at least interact with each other sexually which I insist would be better than nothing). In fact, I have seen people who seem to have done this. I know a young woman in her early 30s who is absolutely enormous. I forget just how big she is until she rides as a passenger in my small car, and she seems to consume the all the available interior volume of the car that's available to her. And she has been in a relationship for years with a guy with physical disabilities severe enough that he must use a walker. And yet she seems perfectly happy with her life, but of course that involves her having settled for a boyfriend who in earlier times would have been described by most people as a "cripple".

I will also repeat my earlier claim that many "ordinary-looking" or "plain" women stand a good chance of obtaining male companionship if they are willing to be up front with guys they are physically attracted to, regarding their interest. Of course, that carries with it a risk of rejection but it's still the best advice I think I can give.

Question of Attractiveness... also indirectly suggest, Question of Ugliness?

Which is a less polite, or perhaps overtly rude, way to talk about these issues.

But judgment of ugliness exists in people’s minds. Despite not being openly mentioned.

Accepting someone for their attractiveness, also means rejecting others for their ugliness.

Two sides of same coins.

Bumping my own thread.

A discussion related to attractiveness developed on the Random thread in the Adult forum. I tried to derail it because I don't believe that to be that particular thread's purpose.

Anybody want to revisit some ideas addressed on the other thread, this would be the place.

Where have you been MaxE. This has been mentioned many a time.

Especially to overweight members who are willing to share their photographs.

So I'm ugly. Thanks mate

MaxE. Is this based on anything? Conversations with friends? Observations of how people behave around you?

Or are you just over thinking.

You're making men seem very very stupid. And unkind, like women are throw away objects.

I wonder if people who have a hard time attracting partners aren't quite picky with who they are willing to spend time with.

Since I adopted the attitude of I'm excited to just spend time with people and get to know them, I've faced very little rejection. The worst I got this year was let's just be friends. And he still invited me to hang out with him as friends.

You can argue this is because I'm female or whatever, but my previous experience was not like this. And if anything I've only gotten older and less desirable, haha