Miserable and at a loss with the love of my life.

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In so many ways, it’s the best and healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. I love him more than I’ve ever loved. I’m young and I understand how naive that sounds, but they’re my feelings and I’m going to feel them.

He just... he refuses to even attempt to understand some of my needs as an autistic person. I feel so, so desperate for him to understand. I’m so, so unbelievably hurt that he doesn’t want to. And even more hurt that my desperate attempts to express how much it hurts are met with further refusal to acknowledge my needs in this realm.

I had a meltdown so bad last night that I broke my hand. He expects me to apologize for acting so out of control, and gets angry when I ask him to read something on the internet about meltdowns so he can understand what’s happening for me when I’m in that state. He’s only barely willing to agree that I have no control over my meltdowns, but only after I’ve put my foot down and reiterated over and over that it is not something that I can control. Even then, he still thinks that I’m ultimately responsible for my meltdowns and that asking him to help me or be patient or be gentle with me during these times is totally unacceptable, and that it’s “not his job” to have to be calm while I’m “entitled” to an out of control state.

It’s just, the things is, I tend to have meltdowns (and/or shutdowns) when we get into fights. Well, not so much fights as what feels more like him getting angry with me while I dejectedly and desperately try to make my feelings heard and respected. I get to that melting point because I end up feeling overwhelmed by how difficult it gets to communicate my feelings. I feel trapped and alone and powerless and panicked. So, since he’s already angry when I get to that melting point, that’s what he means by he shouldn’t have to force himself to put his feelings aside and be calm and patient with me while I “get to” not be calm. He thinks it’s more important that he’s entitled to be and act angry than it is important to help me through a meltdown.

It’s just... what am I supposed to do with that? He treats me like I have the “privilege” of expressing my feelings, while I’m desperately trying to have him understand that meltdowns are more than just me “expressing my feelings” — they’re a horrific nightmare that I want more than anything for my love to comfort me through. But he still won’t see it that way. He’s extremely resistant to reading anything about autistic meltdowns. He thinks my wanting him to is me telling him that my feelings are his responsibility, no matter how many times I plead with him to just understand that I only want him to read it because it’s extremely important to me and my life, and because he’s a part of my life. But he just thinks I need to “take responsibility” for my meltdowns and deal with them on my own. It hurts so much to hear.

We have these... conversations, which feel like a fight to him, and feel like desperate pleading to me. And I keep finding myself saying, “I can’t do this.” And it scares the crap out of me that what I mean by that is, “I can’t be in a relationship with someone who utterly refuses to even try to understand something extremely important to me and vital to my mental health. I can’t be in a relationship with someone who watches me completely fall apart, angrily tells me to pull myself together, and then foremost expects me to apologize to him afterward. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.”

I typically don’t like to use the same word over and over, but I find myself relying on the word “desperate” a lot here. I guess it’s because that’s the epitome of how I feel right now. Totally, utterly desperate to feel like the man I love cares even a little about something so, so important to me.

I don’t even know what I’m here for. I don’t think there’s anything anyone could say that would actually help the situation. Maybe I just really badly need to hear that I’m not a completely crazy, selfish basket case.

I've only got about 10 minutes to type this so I'm sorry, but it'll be fairly short. First off, I take it you're ASD and LGBTQ. I strongly suggest you consider also posting about this on the LGBTQ board b/c (being hetero myself, for example), there are a whole host of issues and dynamics involved in LBGTQ relationships that differ from hetero ones. I think it's possible you may get the best feedback you can there, although I'm not saying you won't get good feedback here too.

Secondly to my layman ears, it sounds to me like your relationship is at best borderline abusive atm. You say he's not very understanding or sympathetic and that you already are sensing you can't go on w/a relationship w/someone like him when you get into these fights. And Jesus f*****g christ, you broke your wrist during a meltdown and he kind've blames you?! That's f****d up, self-centered and deeply unhealthy for you. My main point therefore is either he has to start coming around to being more understanding and accommodating of your needs and desires, meeting you halfway so to speak, taking responsibility for his own actions and words and most importantly stop abusing you (!). Either that or it really does sound like you may wish to reconsider your relationship. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news that must be difficult for you to hear, but your own happiness, your own comfort and safety come ahead of his seemingly screwed up ego. I wish the best for you in whatever you decide. Just remember if you do decide to leave him b/c he won't change enough, there are many better guys out there and I'm sure you can find one of them! Good luck!

I think your both incompatible. Your guy needs someone more emotionally stable than someone who will break his wrist because he's having a meltdown & you need to be with somebody who will be sympathetic of the fact that you get meltdowns & try to help you through em.

This reminds me so much of how I feel in my current relationship. I am recently discovering that I am likely somewhere on the ASD spectrum. My girlfriend constantly takes things that I do, like needing routines, time to myself, and not always getting what to do in emotional situations as me not caring about her or loving her. She is constantly mad at me, and spends days on end telling me how heartless and uncaring I am. I simultaneously feel awful for her, but also can't seem to express myself in a way she understands. I spend all of my time killing myself trying to hold it down for her and stay positive, but it's getting so hard. Now she sees how much more at ease I am with some friends and family (who are a lot more understanding and non-judgemental) and is convinced that the only issue is that I don't care about her because I love my friends and family too much to have room left to love her.

I'm starting to think that people like us are likely just flat out incompatible with a large majority of NT people. I have to remind myself that it is as hard for them to understand us as it is for us to understand them. I know how hard it is to go through life struggling to find connections with people, and how badly that makes someone want to make it work when they find someone they're so (in some ways) compatible and connected to.

Would he be willing to go to some kind of couples counseling with you? You could frame it in terms of helping you behave better at first (which should be a legitimate goal and thing you want to improve upon even if it can't be perfect). Hopefully through the counseling you can either get him on board with being more understanding, or at least get to a point where you know for sure that you are just not compatible.

You've said it yourself, "I can’t be in a relationship with someone who utterly refuses to even try to understand something extremely important to me and vital to my mental health. I can’t be in a relationship with someone who watches me completely fall apart, angrily tells me to pull myself together, and then foremost expects me to apologize to him afterward. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.”

It's painful to walk away as love can be addictive, but it doesn't sound like either of you have the emotional maturity to maintain a healthy lasting relationship at this stage. Maybe it is easier to believe that one day, if you're meant to be together, yes you will both learn and grow and get back together. But for now, leave it. Just keep working on yourself and loving yourself, improving yourself. Doing more journalling and finding the vocabulary to try to explain yourself to another partner next time, or even resolve things with this one when both have had some time and distance to calm down from all the blow-ups.

Hope that helps!

Oh please my dear, get away from this person.

I left my husband of 8 years recently after this kind of abusive controlling behaviour - it DOES not get better. We argued, he woukd yell, I woukd desperately try to understand why he was yelking. He would say I have no empathy, just didn't get it, was mental. I would shut down.

If you are with someone who makes no effort to understand your needs, let alone meet them then this is not love. It feels like it, but it is not.

You need someone who will try to understand and help you through meltdowns, or possibly avoid them altogether by meeting your needs BEFORE it gets this bad.
I am sorry to have to say this.