I Might Have Found Someone, But I Don’t Know What To Do

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The_Face_of_Boo
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05 Jun 2019, 4:17 pm

He sounds to desperate, I couldn't even continue reading the chats; felt some puke in my mouth.



madbutnotmad
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05 Jun 2019, 4:24 pm

may i give some advice. and I hope i do not offend anyone here.
I would like to advise out of experience, i will be as objective as possible and i will be completely honest.

OK. Firstly, please be aware that the people who use dating sites are as diverse as people come.
So, you may get lucky, and find the perfect match straight away. Which of course would be awesome.
However, they say dating, even when people are being completely honest. Can be very hit and miss.
Some people may like you, some may not. Some people you may like, others you may not. etc.

Please be-aware that some people may simply trying to get you to give them sex. Which there is essentially nothing
wrong with, as long as you want the same things, and it doesn't break any party's involved religious beliefs.
Some men can be real douche bags in that they will pressure woman to have sex. Now, in the neurotypical world
there is of course some things that don't come natural to people with autism.

Woman who want to have sex, may say that their not that type of girl to a persons face, as they don't want to give the perception that they are that type of person, even though they are. So.. yep. complex.

So some guys who understand that will push a woman who says their not that type of girl, so as to get them to say yes.
Which is ok if both parties are cool with this. But for people with autism, we may not fully understand and neuro typical people may not fully understand autism. so if you say no, the neurotypical person may continue to push, thinking that your one of the woman that says no but actually means yes.

So, you understand. it can all get very complex.

Personally, if i was not comfortable about meeting with a person until 6 months. i would just tell them that's how it is.
If they are truly interested in you, they will wait.

However one warning here. if a person does agree to wait. And then during the 6 months. the partner starts to go out with other romantic partners or starts to act up in any way. I would say you have to consider what to do from there on. as there is nothing worse than waiting for a length of time, to find out that you have been lied to.

As although the deceiving party may have thought that they have tricked you, and got the best of all situations.
What they have done is proven they are not trust worthy. or faithful. now,. if these things upset you
then, sure i would move on.

Personally, being a fairly morally rigid asperger, i say what i mean and mean what i say. if you know what i mean
so if any one betrays me by telling big lies, cheating etc. i lose respect and also know they are not always trust worthy.
which for me is a deal breaker.

Some guys just want to hook up, have jiggy jiggy and move on, to put another notch on their belt.
Which is ok if all parties involved are happy with that.

I am not saying this is the case with the guy who you have been communicating with, as it may not.
But hey, if he likes you enough, he will wait.



MaxE
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05 Jun 2019, 5:47 pm

I think someone like this should be open to video chatting. If they aren't, then I would forget about them.


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SilentJessica
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05 Jun 2019, 8:11 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
If he truly understood your mutism and your hesitation he might say things such as:

- I understand how you feel
- I have done some research about mutism, and learned that .... xyz .....
- I realise how important it is not to force a communicative situation (whether one person is mute or not)
- I care about you and I will wait as long as it take someone
- What are some ways I can be your friend in the meantime?

Just my thoughts. ^

It's lovely to see you back though. I missed you.


I was thinking he could probably have said things like that, too. In one message, he said “Don’t wait, let’s do it.” He offered to come to my street (I didn’t tell him where I live, only that I live near somewhere else) and drive me to the restaurant. That was nice to offer, but I don’t know him enough to get in a car with him. He seems so desperate that it feels like he has to be joking and isn’t serious.

It’s nice to see you back, too. :) I’ve still been reading the forum sometimes, and I saw some people saying they missed you, so I was hoping you hadn’t left.


AquaineBay wrote:
I can think of only three things right now.

1)He has no idea how he comes across to other people.

2) He's a Hopeless Romantic and is getting too excited.

3) He is manipulating you in some way.

The whispering in his ear is suspicious as that's breaking a lot of personal boundaries when first meeting someone. I would be careful cause number 2 and 3 sound more likely then 1.

You could recommend video chatting first and then meeting to get a better feel for him.


He said twice that he would love to do a phone call, and that it would help him with waiting. I sent a short voice recording, but I would want to be home alone for a call so no one can hear me. I never know when that will be.

madbutnotmad wrote:
may i give some advice. and I hope i do not offend anyone here.
I would like to advise out of experience, i will be as objective as possible and i will be completely honest.

OK. Firstly, please be aware that the people who use dating sites are as diverse as people come.
So, you may get lucky, and find the perfect match straight away. Which of course would be awesome.
However, they say dating, even when people are being completely honest. Can be very hit and miss.
Some people may like you, some may not. Some people you may like, others you may not. etc.

Please be-aware that some people may simply trying to get you to give them sex. Which there is essentially nothing
wrong with, as long as you want the same things, and it doesn't break any party's involved religious beliefs.
Some men can be real douche bags in that they will pressure woman to have sex. Now, in the neurotypical world
there is of course some things that don't come natural to people with autism.

Woman who want to have sex, may say that their not that type of girl to a persons face, as they don't want to give the perception that they are that type of person, even though they are. So.. yep. complex.

So some guys who understand that will push a woman who says their not that type of girl, so as to get them to say yes.
Which is ok if both parties are cool with this. But for people with autism, we may not fully understand and neuro typical people may not fully understand autism. so if you say no, the neurotypical person may continue to push, thinking that your one of the woman that says no but actually means yes.

So, you understand. it can all get very complex.

Personally, if i was not comfortable about meeting with a person until 6 months. i would just tell them that's how it is.
If they are truly interested in you, they will wait.

However one warning here. if a person does agree to wait. And then during the 6 months. the partner starts to go out with other romantic partners or starts to act up in any way. I would say you have to consider what to do from there on. as there is nothing worse than waiting for a length of time, to find out that you have been lied to.

As although the deceiving party may have thought that they have tricked you, and got the best of all situations.
What they have done is proven they are not trust worthy. or faithful. now,. if these things upset you
then, sure i would move on.

Personally, being a fairly morally rigid asperger, i say what i mean and mean what i say. if you know what i mean
so if any one betrays me by telling big lies, cheating etc. i lose respect and also know they are not always trust worthy.
which for me is a deal breaker.

Some guys just want to hook up, have jiggy jiggy and move on, to put another notch on their belt.
Which is ok if all parties involved are happy with that.

I am not saying this is the case with the guy who you have been communicating with, as it may not.
But hey, if he likes you enough, he will wait.

He has asked me if I would do certain things with him and has been bringing it up a lot, in some ways that make me uncomfortable, so that makes me think he might only want that. No one else I’ve talked to on there has been like that, and they haven’t been anywhere near as pushy or desperate, either.

When I think more about waiting about six months to meet anyone, I think of what could happen in the time before we meet, and I don’t like the thought of it. I would feel like I’d been cheated on even if we weren’t in a relationship yet. It might be a better idea for me to stop going on there until I’ve improved some things I want to improve, then try again when I’m ready. There have been a few other men on there who sounded more like what I’m looking for, so there will be more another time.

When someone is nice and sounds like they might be good for me, I think “What if they were the one I was meant to be with?” if I stop talking to them, and then I feel like I’ve lost a chance. I don’t like hurting anyone, either. I haven’t read his latest message, and I’m thinking of ignoring it.


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IsabellaLinton
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05 Jun 2019, 8:50 pm

SilentJessica wrote:
It might be a better idea for me to stop going on there until I’ve improved some things I want to improve, then try again when I’m ready. There have been a few other men on there who sounded more like what I’m looking for, so there will be more another time.[/color]


I think this says it all! ^ Good for you!

I won't speak on a telephone if there is anyone within earshot, so I know how you feel. (I don't even like telephones in private!) I've never left a voice mail message in my life!!

I'd love to chat more about your experiences with mutism some time, if you are interested. It's certainly very difficult and frustrating to navigate, and the phenomenon is poorly understood even among professionals. :(



SilentJessica
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06 Jun 2019, 12:00 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
SilentJessica wrote:
It might be a better idea for me to stop going on there until I’ve improved some things I want to improve, then try again when I’m ready. There have been a few other men on there who sounded more like what I’m looking for, so there will be more another time.[/color]


I think this says it all! ^ Good for you!

I won't speak on a telephone if there is anyone within earshot, so I know how you feel. (I don't even like telephones in private!) I've never left a voice mail message in my life!!

I'd love to chat more about your experiences with mutism some time, if you are interested. It's certainly very difficult and frustrating to navigate, and the phenomenon is poorly understood even among professionals. :(

He has sent three messages today, and it’s hard not to read them or reply, but I don’t know much about him and from what I can tell so far, it’s not really what I want. He might only want one thing, and expect that to happen almost as soon as I met him if I was going to.

I finally told my mum I want to try therapy again, so this has helped me with that a bit. :) Whenever I’ve sent voice recordings, it was only a few words and I sounded very nervous. If it was to a company/business, it would be much harder.

I would be interested in that. :) I’ve read about a lot of people who had people being mean towards them because they didn’t understand.


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red_doghubb
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06 Jun 2019, 7:17 am

No one on a dating site is going to wait six months for someone. No one.

There are so many red flags with this guy I've lost count. And yes, I agree with others here that the "knight in shining armor" line is def one of those, big, flags. The implication is that you're damaged and he can save you. It smells of the potential for him to be manipulative down the line- "but I rescued you, I'm always there for you, you must do x for me", or, "you can't break up with me" etc.



SilentJessica
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06 Jun 2019, 9:47 am

I wasn’t going to reply to him anymore, but I felt bad for disappearing with no explanation, so I tried to give one. This is what happened:
https://imgur.com/a/UHJ1vzh

As soon as he left, I could see more sense again and changed my mind about him being what I want (he’s not). In one of the photos he sent, it looked like he had tears in his eyes, so I don’t think he’s trolling like I thought. This is going to be hard because I don’t want to hurt him.


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Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 70 of 200
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red_doghubb
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06 Jun 2019, 12:11 pm

[quote="SilentJessica"]I wasn’t going to reply to him anymore, but I felt bad for disappearing with no explanation, so I tried to give one. This is what happened:
https://imgur.com/a/UHJ1vzh

As soon as he left, I could see more sense again and changed my mind about him being what I want (he’s not). In one of the photos he sent, it looked like he had tears in his eyes, so I don’t think he’s trolling like I thought. This is going to be hard because I don’t want to hurt him.
[/quote

ok, I read those. "I love you"? Run fast and far



The_Face_of_Boo
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06 Jun 2019, 12:33 pm

Why there’s no uproar in this thread about the shared chat conversations?;) Why the silence this time?



AquaineBay
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06 Jun 2019, 3:51 pm

I read the updates on the conversation and I have one thing to say...RUN!! ! When he sounded really excited and was saying "I love you" I could sympathize cause I have had intense feelings before and thought it was love but it could have just been excitement from making a friend.

I lost it after he started playing the lonely card on you. Him being lonely isn't your problem and he definitely lost it after the two weeks. You said three or four and he just said two and kept going as if you agreed. I say tell him in a firm and calm manner that the friendship isn't going to work and then stop talking to him(You might have to block him). I have been in that situation before, it's best to let him go and don't look back. He will try to talk to you but, you just keep telling him "no".



that1weirdgrrrl
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06 Jun 2019, 5:03 pm

Yeah, that last conversation didn't sound good ...
Please be careful :heart:



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06 Jun 2019, 5:36 pm

That's a con job. He's playing to your sympathy.

Block him.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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07 Jun 2019, 12:54 am

Just for the record tho...regardless whether this guy is crazy or not:
A six month is a crazy and inhuman expectation, for any dating prospect; If I was the guy I would tell you bye bye.
The reason: It is a very bad idea to develop attachement to someone you only know online; your feeling when you see him in person may turn out to be disappointment.
Usually I meet a dating prospect within two weeks of online communication; just a simple coffee meetup in a very public place and see how things would go. Usually I like the women in person whom I liked them online before but for women it can be not the case, and you need two hands to clap.

But if a woman asks me to wait SIX MONTHS just before this simple meetup and to decide whether she likes me or not then hell no... what a waste of time just to find out whether there’s mutual “chemistry” or not; I am 37 years old and apparently not immortal. So yeah, this is a very insane rule.

This guy sounds con or spineless, but you still do need to change your crazy six months condition for your future prospects; it should not be more than 1 month, seriously.

Note:
Safety is not an excuse, a dangerous guy will still be a dangerous guy after six months,
you are not increasing your own safety by waiting this long, what makes a date safe is the date setup; and it is actually not safe to keep chatting online for a half year with a guy who happens to be dangerous (increased danger of stalking) - so it is a very bad safety strategy.



cyberdad
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07 Jun 2019, 1:27 am

SilentJessica wrote:
but would be very protective of me and want to be my “knight in shining armour.” He also said he hopes I would be clingy and needy, like him, and said I’m like a little kid (my inexperience) which he really likes.


This bit here comes across as a little creepy, is this chap NT? given he likes your selective mutism prior to meeting you I think you should be wary of his intentions?