I Might Have Found Someone, But I Don’t Know What To Do

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SilentJessica
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07 Jun 2019, 2:15 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Just for the record tho...regardless whether this guy is crazy or not:
A six month is a crazy and inhuman expectation, for any dating prospect; If I was the guy I would tell you bye bye.
The reason: It is a very bad idea to develop attachement to someone you only know online; your feeling when you see him in person may turn out to be disappointment.
Usually I meet a dating prospect within two weeks of online communication; just a simple coffee meetup in a very public place and see how things would go. Usually I like the women in person whom I liked them online before but for women it can be not the case, and you need two hands to clap.

But if a woman asks me to wait SIX MONTHS just before this simple meetup and to decide whether she likes me or not then hell no... what a waste of time just to find out whether there’s mutual “chemistry” or not; I am 37 years old and apparently not immortal. So yeah, this is a very insane rule.

This guy sounds con or spineless, but you still do need to change your crazy six months condition for your future prospects; it should not be more than 1 month, seriously.

Note:
Safety is not an excuse, a dangerous guy will still be a dangerous guy after six months,
you are not increasing your own safety by waiting this long, what makes a date safe is the date setup; and it is actually not safe to keep chatting online for a half year with a guy who happens to be dangerous (increased danger of stalking) - so it is a very bad safety strategy.

You’re right, and I only wanted to wait that long because of how bad my social anxiety is (I can’t go anywhere by myself because of it).

I’m trying to overcome that, and when I do, I know I would rather it was only a few weeks to a month. When I was telling him “three or four weeks” I was going to see him within that time, but he kept saying two weeks, and now he’s saying I agreed to two weeks even though I didn’t.


cyberdad wrote:
SilentJessica wrote:
but would be very protective of me and want to be my “knight in shining armour.” He also said he hopes I would be clingy and needy, like him, and said I’m like a little kid (my inexperience) which he really likes.


This bit here comes across as a little creepy, is this chap NT? given he likes your selective mutism prior to meeting you I think you should be wary of his intentions?

I don’t know if he’s NT or not, but I wondered if he might have thought he could get away with more if I couldn’t talk or scream.

I told him I didn’t want to meet him or be with him, and now he’s threatening to delete me because I “treated him very badly” and because I “PROMISED I would never leave” him, and “we agreed to meet in two weeks.” Now we’re fighting, and he’s saying “It’s not like I’m asking you to perform surgery. I’m only asking you to spend time with another human.” I do feel bad about it and I know I haven’t been fair to him. I’m wishing I never replied to his first message now so none of this would have happened.


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cyberdad
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07 Jun 2019, 4:18 am

SilentJessica wrote:
I told him I didn’t want to meet him or be with him, and now he’s threatening to delete me because I “treated him very badly” and because I “PROMISED I would never leave” him, and “we agreed to meet in two weeks.” Now we’re fighting, and he’s saying “It’s not like I’m asking you to perform surgery. I’m only asking you to spend time with another human.” I do feel bad about it and I know I haven’t been fair to him. I’m wishing I never replied to his first message now so none of this would have happened.[/color]


It's your right to not choose to continue corresponding to him. It's not his right to threaten you.

I would report him to okcupid...then just move on...



Luhluhluh
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07 Jun 2019, 5:13 am

Just block him and forget about it. You don't even know him, certainly don't owe him anything.


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nick007
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07 Jun 2019, 5:49 am

I was very desperate when I was single & I'm also very protective of romantic partners but even I have concerns about this guy. If a girl I was getting to know from a dating site suddenly blocked me & then unblocked me & started messaging me again just as suddenly, I'd assume that the girl is fickle & I'd block her. I would NOT want to waist my time with someone who might suddenly change her mind again & go dark on me with no warning. The fact that the guy is sill pushing to be with the OP after that makes me very suspicious.


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07 Jun 2019, 6:40 am

Frankly women aren't worth the effort some men put in but then I'm out of the game so I guess that doesn't count.

One useful tip is to lose the desperation, girls smell that from a mile away. After going through so many crappy dates I eventually met my wife when I had the philosophy of "I don't give a toss" "If it happens it happens" otherwise Mr Wanky (my right hand) would just keep my company.

It just so happened she liked my Jim Carey personality 8)



red_doghubb
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07 Jun 2019, 7:07 am

WHY are you still entertaining this mental health case? You came here looking for advice and the consensus is: cut the cord. So you should either do it, or continue on your current path but then don't keep asking everyone what should you do.



SilentJessica
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07 Jun 2019, 7:16 am

I blocked him on Snapchat and he had already blocked me on OkCupid. Thanks, everyone. :)

I’m sorry for starting a thread. I haven’t been able to think about much else this week, and it was hard to decide what I should do, or to see much sense.


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red_doghubb
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07 Jun 2019, 7:28 am

SilentJessica wrote:
I blocked him on Snapchat and he had already blocked me on OkCupid. Thanks, everyone. :)

I’m sorry for starting a thread. I haven’t been able to think about much else this week, and it was hard to decide what I should do, or to see much sense.


Good! Boy be crazy.



fez
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08 Jun 2019, 8:16 am

SilentJessica wrote:
I blocked him on Snapchat and he had already blocked me on OkCupid. Thanks, everyone. :)

I’m sorry for starting a thread. I haven’t been able to think about much else this week, and it was hard to decide what I should do, or to see much sense.


This was the right thing to do. Don’t be too hard on yourself, it is a learning process and now you will be more familiar with the red flags and more cautious about pushy guys going forward.


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BlossX
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08 Jun 2019, 8:27 am

like in every relationship, being it of love or without love, you have to be yourself. If you try to be someone else in order to get that person closer, eventually your mask will drop and you will lose him.

You have to be yourself, that is the biggest tip I can give you. and that way, whether you are bad or good you will keep the people that REALLY want to stay with you, without any trick.



SilentJessica
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08 Jun 2019, 9:55 am

fez wrote:
SilentJessica wrote:
I blocked him on Snapchat and he had already blocked me on OkCupid. Thanks, everyone. :)

I’m sorry for starting a thread. I haven’t been able to think about much else this week, and it was hard to decide what I should do, or to see much sense.


This was the right thing to do. Don’t be too hard on yourself, it is a learning process and now you will be more familiar with the red flags and more cautious about pushy guys going forward.

Thanks. :) As well as being pushy with meeting me, he was being pushy with asking for photos, saying “You will send them.” That tells me he probably didn’t want a proper relationship, even though it was hard for me to see it at the time.

BlossX wrote:
like in every relationship, being it of love or without love, you have to be yourself. If you try to be someone else in order to get that person closer, eventually your mask will drop and you will lose him.

You have to be yourself, that is the biggest tip I can give you. and that way, whether you are bad or good you will keep the people that REALLY want to stay with you, without any trick.

I always try to be myself. :)


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nick007
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08 Jun 2019, 11:47 am

SilentJessica wrote:
fez wrote:
SilentJessica wrote:
I blocked him on Snapchat and he had already blocked me on OkCupid. Thanks, everyone. :)

I’m sorry for starting a thread. I haven’t been able to think about much else this week, and it was hard to decide what I should do, or to see much sense.


This was the right thing to do. Don’t be too hard on yourself, it is a learning process and now you will be more familiar with the red flags and more cautious about pushy guys going forward.

Thanks. :) As well as being pushy with meeting me, he was being pushy with asking for photos, saying “You will send them.” That tells me he probably didn’t want a proper relationship, even though it was hard for me to see it at the time.
If he was asking for nude photos it is defiantly a red flag but if he never seen any picture of you it is understandable why he would really want one. It's also understandable why someone you met on a dating site would be in a rush to meet. People are afraid that if they don't meet soon that the person they're catting with would move on to somebody else & lots worry they won't click or something when they do meet so they want to meet fast to avoid wasting time.


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Oh, you can't help that, said the Cat: we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
How do you know I'm mad? said Alice.
You must be, said the Cat, or you wouldn't have come here.


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08 Jun 2019, 7:43 pm

nick007 wrote:
If he was asking for nude photos it is defiantly a red flag


Unless the OP is into that sort of thing (I assume she isn't) that's a major red flag.



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09 Jun 2019, 9:55 am

I entirely agree that the OP should discontinue contact with this guy (and has done if I understand correctly).

At the same time, we should consider the possibility that he isn't really an intentional creep. It's possible he is awkward and sincere about what he has said. Knowing the OP's issues, maybe he is saying things that he truly believes will cause her to like him. If somehow he actually found himself in a relationship with her, I suspect he might discover his empathy to be less powerful than it seems to him in his fantasy world.

We don't know if the photos he asked for were supposed to be nude. If so, then I would be more inclined to suspect he is a bona fide creep. I do believe there are a fair number of people who manipulate women to get nude photos.

I don't think we can assume that every guy on a dating site that comes across as creepy is a cynical manipulator of innocent women. Some are just desperate and have no experience whatsoever with women so they really don't know how NOT to seem creepy


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SilentJessica
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09 Jun 2019, 10:54 am

nick007 wrote:
SilentJessica wrote:
fez wrote:
SilentJessica wrote:
I blocked him on Snapchat and he had already blocked me on OkCupid. Thanks, everyone. :)

I’m sorry for starting a thread. I haven’t been able to think about much else this week, and it was hard to decide what I should do, or to see much sense.


This was the right thing to do. Don’t be too hard on yourself, it is a learning process and now you will be more familiar with the red flags and more cautious about pushy guys going forward.

Thanks. :) As well as being pushy with meeting me, he was being pushy with asking for photos, saying “You will send them.” That tells me he probably didn’t want a proper relationship, even though it was hard for me to see it at the time.
If he was asking for nude photos it is defiantly a red flag but if he never seen any picture of you it is understandable why he would really want one. It's also understandable why someone you met on a dating site would be in a rush to meet. People are afraid that if they don't meet soon that the person they're catting with would move on to somebody else & lots worry they won't click or something when they do meet so they want to meet fast to avoid wasting time.

There were photos of me on my profile and I sent more of my face (I don’t see anything wrong with it if it’s only normal photos, and I understand asking for those) but he wanted photos without my top.

I understand the rest of your post, too. That’s why I’m not going to try to find anyone again until I know I’ll be able to meet them in person, which I wouldn’t want to wait long for if it felt right. I know I would worry about them moving on, too. Right now, I have no way of going anywhere alone except for a short walk, which is one reason I wanted to wait long enough that I could change that before I met him.


MaxE wrote:
I entirely agree that the OP should discontinue contact with this guy (and has done if I understand correctly).

At the same time, we should consider the possibility that he isn't really an intentional creep. It's possible he is awkward and sincere about what he has said. Knowing the OP's issues, maybe he is saying things that he truly believes will cause her to like him. If somehow he actually found himself in a relationship with her, I suspect he might discover his empathy to be less powerful than it seems to him in his fantasy world.

We don't know if the photos he asked for were supposed to be nude. If so, then I would be more inclined to suspect he is a bona fide creep. I do believe there are a fair number of people who manipulate women to get nude photos.

I don't think we can assume that every guy on a dating site that comes across as creepy is a cynical manipulator of innocent women. Some are just desperate and have no experience whatsoever with women so they really don't know how NOT to seem creepy


I haven’t contacted him again, and still have him blocked, which will stay that way.

One of the reasons I was confused about what to do was that I couldn’t tell if he was a creep or not, and I didn’t think he was. He seemed very nice and sweet, but the pushiness made me uncomfortable, and I didn’t think it was okay. When I was talking to him, I had feelings for him and wanted to meet him, but whenever he left to go to sleep, all I could see was the red flags and pushiness, which made me unsure. I always feel bad for thinking someone I like might be a manipulative person or for thinking I’m doing the wrong thing by someone.

I didn’t post these, but they might explain more:
https://imgur.com/a/7NYWQyu


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