I Might Have Found Someone, But I Don’t Know What To Do

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AquaineBay
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09 Jun 2019, 12:18 pm

Three quotes from the update is a problem.

"If you ever think of pulling this bullcrap(we both know he means s**t) again, I will be furious!"

Yeah buddy, that doesn't sound like a manipulative creep at all!

"You will send me sexy selfies"

Who are you to tell someone what pictures they will send to you!

"You will be much more sleazy for me"

What? Just...what?

I understand him starting to use profanity out of frustration but, those three quotes just reek of controlling and manipulative behavior.



nick007
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09 Jun 2019, 1:09 pm

MaxE wrote:
I don't think we can assume that every guy on a dating site that comes across as creepy is a cynical manipulator of innocent women. Some are just desperate and have no experience whatsoever with women so they really don't know how NOT to seem creepy
You just described me when I was single & looking online. I know I came off as creepy but I really was wanting a romantic realtionship instead of sex. I also was not wanting to manipulate anyone. I was just wanting someone to give me a legit half a chance for a romantic realtionship instead of automatically being written off. After reading the last update the OP posted, I also believe that guy was a legit creep but I really don't like how awkward guys tend to atomically be considered creeps.


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cyberdad
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09 Jun 2019, 5:57 pm

SilentJessica wrote:
I didn’t post these, but they might explain more:
https://imgur.com/a/7NYWQyu[/color]


Your friend sounds a little "needy" and "clingy" but (I am wondering) did you give him signals that you wanted more out of this online relationship? you need to exercise some care to not lead a guy on, especially if they are expressing what appears to be love to you when you yourself are not sure.

On the other hand if he accelerated this interaction faster than you were prepared to process you are entitled (and probably should) tell him straight away rather than letting this go on. Honesty about how you were feeling (at the time he started to make you uncomfortable) will unburden you of any guilt you may harbour right now (I think you are unsure hence why you posted this question) and give you impetus to take steps to move on.



SilentJessica
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09 Jun 2019, 8:36 pm

cyberdad wrote:
SilentJessica wrote:
I didn’t post these, but they might explain more:
https://imgur.com/a/7NYWQyu[/color]


Your friend sounds a little "needy" and "clingy" but (I am wondering) did you give him signals that you wanted more out of this online relationship? you need to exercise some care to not lead a guy on, especially if they are expressing what appears to be love to you when you yourself are not sure.

On the other hand if he accelerated this interaction faster than you were prepared to process you are entitled (and probably should) tell him straight away rather than letting this go on. Honesty about how you were feeling (at the time he started to make you uncomfortable) will unburden you of any guilt you may harbour right now (I think you are unsure hence why you posted this question) and give you impetus to take steps to move on.

I wanted to meet him (I liked him and hoped we would start a relationship with each other) but I didn’t know when I was going to be able to see him, which is why I was telling him I needed more time. I thought we could get to know each other better in the time before meeting.

I told him a few times that I wasn’t comfortable and that it felt rushed, but he didn’t see why, even when I tried to explain. I have felt guilty for how I treated him, which I know will make me more careful if anything like this happens again. It can be hard for me to believe it when anyone shows an interest in me because I think they’re only saying what they say to be nice to me and that they couldn’t really like me.


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cyberdad
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09 Jun 2019, 9:18 pm

SilentJessica wrote:
I have felt guilty for how I treated him, which I know will make me more careful if anything like this happens again. It can be hard for me to believe it when anyone shows an interest in me because I think they’re only saying what they say to be nice to me and that they couldn’t really like me.[/color]


I think he was anticipating meeting you and his hormones might have been "juicing" (sorry if that comes across icky) so that might explain his request to see "revealing" pictures of you.

I think most men will say things to make a connection with you (and any other girl) online but that's not always a bad thing, they just want "a foot in your door" so that you give them a chance.

But I think the messaging from this guy indicates things have gone really sour (not to mention his inappropriate statements) and it's hard to see any chance of resurrecting whatever feelings you had for him at the beginning.

It's up to you but this is okcupid (not tinder) so he really should understand that a relationship comes first and not sex. If he is unable to comprehend this then he probably also has poor emotional regulation.



red_doghubb
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10 Jun 2019, 6:38 am

This guy is not sweet, or just awkward, or well intentioned, or misunderstood. This guy is manipulative, controlling, creepy, emotionally unhinged, emotionally/mentally abusive, and probably physically abusive. You don't need to feel sorry, guilty, or that you must respond.

I am telling you, as one woman to another, with experience, this man is dangerous.

You've blocked him, which is great, don't unblock him.



nick007
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10 Jun 2019, 6:58 am

red_doghubb wrote:
This guy is not sweet, or just awkward, or well intentioned, or misunderstood. This guy is manipulative, controlling, creepy, emotionally unhinged, emotionally/mentally abusive, and probably physically abusive. You don't need to feel sorry, guilty, or that you must respond.

I am telling you, as one woman to another, with experience, this man is dangerous.

You've blocked him, which is great, don't unblock him.
Sometimes guys who are just awkward are considered creepy by some women. Also some guys who are well intentioned are very protective of romantic partners & could be considered controlling by some women but others find them sweet. My 2nd girlfriend found me controlling but my current finds me sweet. I do think in this case the guy was bad but I hate how some guys with those traits are autocratically considered & treated like scum-bag potential rapists.


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red_doghubb
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10 Jun 2019, 7:04 am

nick007 wrote:
red_doghubb wrote:
This guy is not sweet, or just awkward, or well intentioned, or misunderstood. This guy is manipulative, controlling, creepy, emotionally unhinged, emotionally/mentally abusive, and probably physically abusive. You don't need to feel sorry, guilty, or that you must respond.

I am telling you, as one woman to another, with experience, this man is dangerous.

You've blocked him, which is great, don't unblock him.
Sometimes guys who are just awkward are considered creepy by some women. Also some guys who are well intentioned are very protective of romantic partners & could be considered controlling by some women but others find them sweet. My 2nd girlfriend found me controlling but my current finds me sweet. I do think in this case the guy was bad but I hate how some guys with those traits are autocratically considered & treated like scum-bag potential rapists.



I get what you're saying, but- with sincere respect- you are not a woman. You've not been on the other end of this type of "attention". I have ample experience with the warning signs and learned the hard way by ignoring them, until I got wise.

For a woman, giving a guy like this a "chance" is not worth the risk.



nick007
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10 Jun 2019, 7:10 am

red_doghubb wrote:
nick007 wrote:
red_doghubb wrote:
This guy is not sweet, or just awkward, or well intentioned, or misunderstood. This guy is manipulative, controlling, creepy, emotionally unhinged, emotionally/mentally abusive, and probably physically abusive. You don't need to feel sorry, guilty, or that you must respond.

I am telling you, as one woman to another, with experience, this man is dangerous.

You've blocked him, which is great, don't unblock him.
Sometimes guys who are just awkward are considered creepy by some women. Also some guys who are well intentioned are very protective of romantic partners & could be considered controlling by some women but others find them sweet. My 2nd girlfriend found me controlling but my current finds me sweet. I do think in this case the guy was bad but I hate how some guys with those traits are autocratically considered & treated like scum-bag potential rapists.



I get what you're saying, but- with sincere respect- you are not a woman. You've not been on the other end of this type of "attention". I have ample experience with the warning signs and learned the hard way by ignoring them, until I got wise.

For a woman, giving a guy like this a "chance" is not worth the risk.
Got it


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Oh, you can't help that, said the Cat: we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
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SilentJessica
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10 Jun 2019, 9:41 am

cyberdad wrote:
I think he was anticipating meeting you and his hormones might have been "juicing" (sorry if that comes across icky) so that might explain his request to see "revealing" pictures of you.

I think most men will say things to make a connection with you (and any other girl) online but that's not always a bad thing, they just want "a foot in your door" so that you give them a chance.

But I think the messaging from this guy indicates things have gone really sour (not to mention his inappropriate statements) and it's hard to see any chance of resurrecting whatever feelings you had for him at the beginning.

It's up to you but this is okcupid (not tinder) so he really should understand that a relationship comes first and not sex. If he is unable to comprehend this then he probably also has poor emotional regulation.


He was requesting photos after the first or second day, so that would make sense. He also said a lot of “inappropriate” things I tried to see past that, looking back, I shouldn’t have tried to see past (they weren’t in the pictures I posted here). It would be more understandable if I had known him for longer, but I think when he said things like that from the start, it’s a sign he might not have wanted a proper relationship.


red_doghubb wrote:
This guy is not sweet, or just awkward, or well intentioned, or misunderstood. This guy is manipulative, controlling, creepy, emotionally unhinged, emotionally/mentally abusive, and probably physically abusive. You don't need to feel sorry, guilty, or that you must respond.

I am telling you, as one woman to another, with experience, this man is dangerous.

You've blocked him, which is great, don't unblock him.


Thanks. :) This has helped me feel much better about it. I would never unblock him, and I can imagine what it would be like if I did, and I know I would want to block him again straight away. I’ve realised yesterday and today that I never should have unblocked him the first time I did it (about the third day I was talking to him) and I’m glad I never met him.

nick007 wrote:
guys who are just awkward are considered creepy by some women. Also some guys who are well intentioned are very protective of romantic partners & could be considered controlling by some women but others find them sweet. My 2nd girlfriend found me controlling but my current finds me sweet. I do think in this case the guy was bad but I hate how some guys with those traits are autocratically considered & treated like scum-bag potential rapists.

I’ve read a lot of posts by those types of men on forums and had a few online friends who were like that from what they told me, and it’s different. They’re not the ones I would think of as “creepy” or “controlling.” I think it depends on what type of things they say and which behaviour they would want to control. If they wanted to change something about you or tell you not to paint your nails anymore (for example) that might be controlling. Being protective would be a good thing, and it shows you care. Tracking someone with a GPS device would be going too far, and that wouldn’t be okay (I’ve read about that happening).


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red_doghubb
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10 Jun 2019, 9:45 am

SilentJessica wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
I think he was anticipating meeting you and his hormones might have been "juicing" (sorry if that comes across icky) so that might explain his request to see "revealing" pictures of you.

I think most men will say things to make a connection with you (and any other girl) online but that's not always a bad thing, they just want "a foot in your door" so that you give them a chance.

But I think the messaging from this guy indicates things have gone really sour (not to mention his inappropriate statements) and it's hard to see any chance of resurrecting whatever feelings you had for him at the beginning.

It's up to you but this is okcupid (not tinder) so he really should understand that a relationship comes first and not sex. If he is unable to comprehend this then he probably also has poor emotional regulation.


He was requesting photos after the first or second day, so that would make sense. He also said a lot of “inappropriate” things I tried to see past that, looking back, I shouldn’t have tried to see past (they weren’t in the pictures I posted here). It would be more understandable if I had known him for longer, but I think when he said things like that from the start, it’s a sign he might not have wanted a proper relationship.


red_doghubb wrote:
This guy is not sweet, or just awkward, or well intentioned, or misunderstood. This guy is manipulative, controlling, creepy, emotionally unhinged, emotionally/mentally abusive, and probably physically abusive. You don't need to feel sorry, guilty, or that you must respond.

I am telling you, as one woman to another, with experience, this man is dangerous.

You've blocked him, which is great, don't unblock him.


Thanks. :) This has helped me feel much better about it. I would never unblock him, and I can imagine what it would be like if I did, and I know I would want to block him again straight away. I’ve realised yesterday and today that I never should have unblocked him the first time I did it (about the third day I was talking to him) and I’m glad I never met him.

nick007 wrote:
guys who are just awkward are considered creepy by some women. Also some guys who are well intentioned are very protective of romantic partners & could be considered controlling by some women but others find them sweet. My 2nd girlfriend found me controlling but my current finds me sweet. I do think in this case the guy was bad but I hate how some guys with those traits are autocratically considered & treated like scum-bag potential rapists.

I’ve read a lot of posts by those types of men on forums and had a few online friends who were like that from what they told me, and it’s different. They’re not the ones I would think of as “creepy” or “controlling.” I think it depends on what type of things they say and which behaviour they would want to control. If they wanted to change something about you or tell you not to paint your nails anymore (for example) that might be controlling. Being protective would be a good thing, and it shows you care. Tracking someone with a GPS device would be going too far, and that wouldn’t be okay (I’ve read about that happening).



consider this as a dry run, an exercise, that will make you more aware and stronger the next time you encounter someone like this



The_Face_of_Boo
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10 Jun 2019, 2:40 pm

Was he that much handsome to the point you couldn't see what was going on? :mrgreen:



SilentJessica
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10 Jun 2019, 10:54 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Was he that much handsome to the point you couldn't see what was going on? :mrgreen:

That was probably part of it. :)


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The_Face_of_Boo
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10 Jun 2019, 11:13 pm

This is so predictable.



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11 Jun 2019, 3:12 am

I think for some weird reason the OPs story reminds me of a Billy Joel song

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child but she's always a woman to me
She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth but she'll never believe you
And she'll take what you give her as long as it's free
Yeah she steals like a thief but she's always a woman to me
Oh, she takes care of herself, she can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, she never gives out and she never gives in
She just changes her mind
And she'll promise you more than the garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding
But she brings out the best and the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself 'cause she's always a woman to me
Oh, she takes care of herself, she can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, she never gives out and she never gives in
She just changes her mind
She is frequently kind and she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases, she's nobody's fool
But she can't be convicted, she's earned her degree
And the most she will do is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me