I feel like I'm in a state of arrested development.

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I'm 25/M. My fiancèe (23) walked out on me (she said she was going to the pharmacy--she never came back) in October and later broke it off in November. I had to leave our apartment (it was owned by her father) and move in with my mother (I'm in her sh***y apartment, on the futon). She wanted me to get therapy to 'fix' my Aspergers. She'd never communicate with me and always went to her father, and he'd come yell at me. I wanted us to get couples therapy. She wouldn't go until I got 'fixed'. I'm seeing a therapist now, but obviously not to 'fix' my Aspergers (according to Tony Atwood, therapy can't 'fix' Aspergers).

I know I have to accept Aspergers as part of who I am but I just... I feel like I'm going to be alone--romantically and platonically--for the rest of my life. I really thought that my ex was The One. I'm sick of sleeping alone--I dread night time, and I dread sleep. Podcasts help, but only so much.

It's really hard to sleep at night, because I'm used to sleeping with someone next to me. And I crave intimacy. And don't even get me started on the sex we had (I really, really miss that).

I recently found out I have Aspergers. I was diagnosed with NVLD as a kid, but nobody ever explained to me what that meant.

I just...I'm so lonely. Even as a kid I was lonely. I played by myself, only had two close friends in elementary school (one is still a friend today--if it wasn't for E I would have offed myself that first week after my ex left me). Only got invited to two birthday parties (one was out of pity I think, and the other (E's) was out of genuine friendship).

I was home schooled from grades 6 - 9th pretty much--due to medical reasons. I went in for a class her and there, especially in 5th grade. I had a lonely childhood and I'm having a lonely adult hood (is that a thing?). I only got invited to two things in high school (one was a Halloween party and one was out to the movies with some friends).

I've lost 2 friend in the 2 months after my ex left me/broke it off. One had Aspergers too, and one day she just blocked me. I still don't know why. One was a local-ish friend, and she posted a Tumblr post that called me names and just said she wasn't dealing with me anymore.

I don't have any friends here--I didn't move here by choice. I spent my days alone for the most part. Doing laundry, dishes, et cetera with only podcasts and books to keep my company. Books and the fictional characters within them were basically my friends in childhood.

I keep trying in R4R, but either I don't get any responses or I do, but they disappear after a while. I message people, but the same thing happens. Right now I have two threads going with two different people, but we'll see what happens.

I just...I feel so alone. I thought that when I got engaged (to who (m?), at the time, I was totally in love with--we had every thing in common, she was beautiful...we swapped virginities...) my days of being lonely were over. And then she left me.

I mean, is this really all there is to life? 55-ish more years of this? Of laundry, dishes, mediocre food (I just don't care about food anymore--I loved her cooking...) and just...being alone? That the most exciting things about my life is lobster on special buy at Aldi, episodes of podcasts I really like coming out, and finally finding something good on Netflix? That's it?

And the best I can hope for is getting my own place, with room for all my books and a desk and a reading chair, et cetera. I just...I don't know what to do. I'm so lonely. I've never been this lonely in my life. Even when I go out to Meetup.com meetups, or Lodge (I'm a Freemason), it just seems like when I talk people are just humoring me and letting me talk.

I just...I don't know anymore. I really don't.

Don't get me wrong--I have friends. At least..I think I do. But none of them message or text me first. And I was supposed to have dinner with E at some point, but she says she's sick (yet she still goes to events, I can tell from her Facebook).

The day before Valentine's Day, my ex blocked me on Good Reads. It was her idea to stay friends on Good Reads--she wanted a place other than text messaging or the phone to talk, so that maybe some day if things got better...You know. But the night I found out she blocked me I cried myself to sleep.

And every time a show I'm watching or a book I'm reading has a love subplot, I just can't and I have to stop watching or reading...

I just...I just don't know anymore.

I'm sorry this has happened, it sounds like lack of communication took it's toll on her commitment to the engagement but that is a two way thing so please don't blame yourself about it. She could have communicated more clearly about reasons why she may not have been happy, rather than suddenly cutting off contact.

It's a very, very scary thing when a big part of what you hoped your future would be is taken away

I know it doesn't mean much right now but you will feel better over time and you have a lot more to experience if you want to; although you may always have feelings for her as she is your first love. Just don't let it put you off meeting other prospective partners because if you isolate yourself you will be fulfilling all the negative thoughts you have relating to social barriers.

Do whatever it takes to feel better and be kind to yourself.

The ex-fiance sounds like an immature princess type. While communication is a two way street, her lack of respect for your diagnosis is astounding. She wanted you to "fix" your aspergers? Sounds like a condition to love if you ask me, and that is a horrible thing for someone to say to you. Add to it, she was unwilling to compromise with you on counselling. And her father sounds like someone looking out for her little princess, but he should have done a better job with convincing her to communicate with you IMO. You may not see it now, but this broken off engagement is a huge favour for you.

As for everything else, keep seeing your counsellor and hopefully you have your mother's full support. That's the best I can recommend. Keep up with meetup.com for the time being (I help organize three groups) to help improve social skills at least and report your social events to your counsellor. He should be able to track your progress and tell you whether your head is on right or not, and how to approach certain situations.

I kept asking her what was wrong, and I asked her to tell me. She'd break down sometimes and cry and sit in my lap and we'd talk. I miss that...I miss the sound she'd make when she gulped her water. That used to drive me insane. I have a microcassette recorder that she gave me, that she used to use for notes. It has her voice on it. I listened to it one more time before I put it in my keepsake box.

I do want to--desperately want to. I crave having what I had with her. But I don't know if I will. I just ...I wish she would have talked to me. I'm not stupid enough to think a part of me won't always love her--it will. I just...I wish I could find someone else. I hate when I dream about her...

I have a genetic condition, too--she had it as well. So she understood. It's really hard to find someone who's not only interested, but wont get scared off when they find out what I have...



It really upset me. I thought she loved me--even my 'faults'. She says she still does. At least, last time I talked to her.

I don't get on with my mother. I really need to find my own place. I don't even know where to start though...

I'll keep seeing him.

You are.

I don't know if all autism is arrested development but I got un-arrested a few weeks back. I met with some neurologists a couple weeks later and learned that autism, at least my type whatever that is, is arrested development.

I stopped pretty early : about 6 weeks old

Arrested Development was a funny Fox show