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What should NDs expect from a relationship?

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rdos
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24 Jun 2019, 4:23 am

I think this is a good question that needs a bit of focus. Some young male NDs probably would settle for anybody given their trouble with getting dates, while some women that have several bad relationships as a baggage would be more picky.

My opinion is that we shouldn't settle for anybody where compatibility is too low, and a requirement should be that we don't need to use verbal means to settle conflicts or share emotions.



nick007
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24 Jun 2019, 8:15 am

rdos wrote:
I think this is a good question that needs a bit of focus. Some young male NDs probably would settle for anybody given their trouble with getting dates, while some women that have several bad relationships as a baggage would be more picky.

My opinion is that we shouldn't settle for anybody where compatibility is too low, and a requirement should be that we don't need to use verbal means to settle conflicts or share emotions.
I believe the key to making a realtionship work is commitment from both people & their willingness to discus things in order to find compromises that both like or dislike as little as possible. You have to use verbal means in order to do that.


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kraftiekortie
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24 Jun 2019, 8:18 am

I feel that ND's (and NT's) should expect to feel happy in the relationship.

How we go about it----depends upon the individual.

I don't believe subtle hints and long-distance wooing does much for most people.



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24 Jun 2019, 8:28 am

Has anyone on here ever had a successful, long term relationship in which they didn’t need to verbally communicate with one’s partner to share feelings or settle conflict?

I highly doubt it.

Communication is vital in a relationship whether we’re ND or not. We’re still human.

Isn’t this what relationships are all about - using communication to share intimate details with another person who loves you deeply and understands the different facets of what makes you you (and vice versa)?


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nick007
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24 Jun 2019, 8:52 am

:)

Twilightprincess wrote:
Has anyone on here ever had a successful, long term relationship in which they didn’t need to verbally communicate with one’s partner to share feelings or settle conflict?

I highly doubt it.

Communication is vital in a relationship whether we’re ND or not. We’re still human.

Isn’t this what relationships are all about - using communication to share intimate details with another person who loves you deeply and understands the different facets of what makes you you (and vice versa)?
All 3 of my relationships were long distance for a while. We met online & mostly communicated by typing on messenger, email, & text. We never talked on the phone much or did the voice chat thing. Perhaps this is what rdos means by the no verbal communication thing. I know lots of Aspies can sometimes express themselves better by typing or writing than talking face to face.


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TwilightPrincess
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24 Jun 2019, 9:01 am

nick007 wrote:
:)
Twilightprincess wrote:
Has anyone on here ever had a successful, long term relationship in which they didn’t need to verbally communicate with one’s partner to share feelings or settle conflict?

I highly doubt it.

Communication is vital in a relationship whether we’re ND or not. We’re still human.

Isn’t this what relationships are all about - using communication to share intimate details with another person who loves you deeply and understands the different facets of what makes you you (and vice versa)?
All 3 of my relationships were long distance for a while. We met online & mostly communicated by typing on messenger, email, & text. We never talked on the phone much or did the voice chat thing. Perhaps this is what rdos means by the no verbal communication thing. I know lots of Aspies can sometimes express themselves better by typing or writing than talking face to face.


I got the feeling from a different thread that he meant that we didn’t need to communicate such things through any medium.

Still, relationships offline still rely heavily on verbal communication unless people need to use sign language. Working on one’s social communication skills is probably important if one wants a long-lasting relationship.


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BenderRodriguez
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24 Jun 2019, 9:11 am

Twilightprincess wrote:
nick007 wrote:
:)
Twilightprincess wrote:
Has anyone on here ever had a successful, long term relationship in which they didn’t need to verbally communicate with one’s partner to share feelings or settle conflict?

I highly doubt it.

Communication is vital in a relationship whether we’re ND or not. We’re still human.

Isn’t this what relationships are all about - using communication to share intimate details with another person who loves you deeply and understands the different facets of what makes you you (and vice versa)?
All 3 of my relationships were long distance for a while. We met online & mostly communicated by typing on messenger, email, & text. We never talked on the phone much or did the voice chat thing. Perhaps this is what rdos means by the no verbal communication thing. I know lots of Aspies can sometimes express themselves better by typing or writing than talking face to face.


I got the feeling from a different thread that he meant that we didn’t need to communicate such things through any medium.

Still, relationships offline still rely heavily on verbal communication unless people need to use sign language. Working on one’s social communication skills is probably important if one wants a long-lasting relationship.


Yes, he means not communicating with words - spoken or written.


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Mona Pereth
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24 Jun 2019, 11:24 am

rdos wrote:
My opinion is that we shouldn't settle for anybody where compatibility is too low, and a requirement should be that we don't need to use verbal means to settle conflicts or share emotions.

This makes you unusual among autistic people. Many of us are bad at nonverbal communication. Hence, more so than NT's, not less so, many of us absolutely need verbal communication. The ability to communicate nonverbally may develop gradually as we get to know each other and get accustomed to each other's idiosyncratic natural body language, but it's unlikely to be there from the get go.


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rdos
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24 Jun 2019, 1:39 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
Has anyone on here ever had a successful, long term relationship in which they didn’t need to verbally communicate with one’s partner to share feelings or settle conflict?


I think I had, but I would wish it worked much easier & better. Still, I'm not in a relationship with the girl that I can communicate mind-to-mind with, but it might eventually happen.

Twilightprincess wrote:
Communication is vital in a relationship whether we’re ND or not. We’re still human.

Isn’t this what relationships are all about - using communication to share intimate details with another person who loves you deeply and understands the different facets of what makes you you (and vice versa)?


The fallacy with that reasoning is that not all humans communicate the same way, and so you cannot learn how to find or have a successful relationship with another ND by manually learning NT communication. It becomes really odd when two NDs try to copy NT communication between themselves, often with poor results. I've been on ND meetups, and I almost directly turn off all my NT adaptations and communicate naturally, and I'm not alone in doing this. And we are not even talking about relationships here, only a social gathering of NDs.



rdos
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24 Jun 2019, 1:48 pm

BenderRodriguez wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
nick007 wrote:
:)
Twilightprincess wrote:
Has anyone on here ever had a successful, long term relationship in which they didn’t need to verbally communicate with one’s partner to share feelings or settle conflict?

I highly doubt it.

Communication is vital in a relationship whether we’re ND or not. We’re still human.

Isn’t this what relationships are all about - using communication to share intimate details with another person who loves you deeply and understands the different facets of what makes you you (and vice versa)?
All 3 of my relationships were long distance for a while. We met online & mostly communicated by typing on messenger, email, & text. We never talked on the phone much or did the voice chat thing. Perhaps this is what rdos means by the no verbal communication thing. I know lots of Aspies can sometimes express themselves better by typing or writing than talking face to face.


I got the feeling from a different thread that he meant that we didn’t need to communicate such things through any medium.

Still, relationships offline still rely heavily on verbal communication unless people need to use sign language. Working on one’s social communication skills is probably important if one wants a long-lasting relationship.


Yes, he means not communicating with words - spoken or written.


Mind-to-mind communication certainly is the superior way to handle it, but it is also possible that you understand each other so well that you know how they feel and reason without any nonverbal communication. The latter obviously only works when you have known each other for a long time. I'd say both of them requires a compatible neurotype, and won't work in ND-NT relationships.



kraftiekortie
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24 Jun 2019, 1:49 pm

I know I suck pretty badly at reading minds.....

Things usually have to be explained verbally----to the utter consternation of my wife :P



IsabellaLinton
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24 Jun 2019, 2:04 pm

rdos wrote:
Some young male NDs probably would settle for anybody given their trouble with getting dates, while some women that have several bad relationships as a baggage would be more picky.


What about young female NDs who might settle for anyone because they have had trouble getting dates, or men that have had several bad relationships and carry baggage which makes them picky?

I don't have a comment on the mind-reading thing, but this OP statement is rather prejudiced.


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24 Jun 2019, 2:05 pm

rdos wrote:

Mind-to-mind communication certainly is the superior way to handle it, but it is also possible that you understand each other so well that you know how they feel and reason without any nonverbal communication. The latter obviously only works when you have known each other for a long time. I'd say both of them requires a compatible neurotype, and won't work in ND-NT relationships.


People don't communicate just by reading each others minds. I mean sure its a cool idea but mind reading isn't really a thing that is considered real, most people know that.


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Last edited by Sweetleaf on 24 Jun 2019, 2:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

rdos
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24 Jun 2019, 2:06 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
Many of us are bad at nonverbal communication.


That's a statement without any scientific validity. You cannot say that an individual is bad at nonverbal communication without being specific about the TYPE of nonverbal communication you are referring to. For example, if we have a dog then the dog would be good at dog nonverbal communication but pretty bad at human nonverbal communication. If we have an NT human he/she will be good at NT nonverbal communication and incompetent at dog and ND nonverbal communication. If we have an ND human he/she will be good at ND nonverbal communication and (mostly) incompetent at NT and dog nonverbal communication.

Mona Pereth wrote:
Hence, more so than NT's, not less so, many of us absolutely need verbal communication.


That's only true in interactions with NTs (and in that case, it's a mutual requirement). We certainly don't need verbal communication among ourselves.

Mona Pereth wrote:
The ability to communicate nonverbally may develop gradually as we get to know each other and get accustomed to each other's idiosyncratic natural body language, but it's unlikely to be there from the get go.


That's not my experience. I have a very sensitive ND-radar that works particularly well to detect interest from women. I've not worked on it at all, rather it's been there all the time and it is the primary reason why virtually all the girls I've been interested in has been NDs. Even if I didn't know about neurodiversity at that point.



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24 Jun 2019, 2:08 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I know I suck pretty badly at reading minds.....

Things usually have to be explained verbally----to the utter consternation of my wife :P


You're very strange Kraftie, I don't know how you even got a diagnosis without having had your psychic abilities properly tested :wink:

I'm just a rebel, it's not that I can't read people's minds, I actually enjoy talking to my wife :lol:


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Last edited by BenderRodriguez on 24 Jun 2019, 2:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

rdos
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24 Jun 2019, 2:10 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
rdos wrote:
Some young male NDs probably would settle for anybody given their trouble with getting dates, while some women that have several bad relationships as a baggage would be more picky.


What about young female NDs who might settle for anyone because they have had trouble getting dates, or men that have had several bad relationships and carry baggage which makes them picky?

I don't have a comment on the mind-reading thing, but this OP statement is rather prejudiced.


Of course, those alternatives exist too, but the one's I listed are more common.



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