How Much "Work" Goes Into Relationships?

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Hello, everyone. I've been wanting to get into dating for a while now, but whenever I think of myself being in a relationship, I'm concerned with the possibility of getting "bored" with it. I'm not afraid of commitment, but I'm worried that I won't be able to maintain a relationship if I'm unable to fully reciprocate the amount of love and effort that my girlfriend will put into it. Are relationships as extensive and complicated as I'm making them out to be in my mind, or am I just making a big deal out of nothing?

Every relationship is different. Some require a lot more work than others.

I think relationships should be, first and foremost, easy. Yes, easy. It should ebb and flow naturally, and neither partner should be doing anything that feels burdensome. If it feels like a laundry list of job responsibilities that you fulfill in order to stay in it, and you're putting in more than you're getting out, it's a crappy relationship. Not to mention an insincere one.

My first relationship was like that, second semester of freshman year of college. She was the first girl who ever went on a real date with me, so I lurched into it hard and fast, even though I didn't find her attractive and was bored with her much of the time. For example, I wanted to explore quirky neighborhoods, try new restaurants, go to museums, etc. She was content with just hanging out on campus, and wasn't big on physical affection, either; she didn't like to snuggle or dance in an embrace. (And with me having no prior dating experiences, physical affection was a high priority.) At least she spent time with me and held hands with me, I guess.

Somehow, I was still in love with her, and did everything a good boyfriend does: call her to ask about her day, look for romantic experiences she might like, listen to her, help her with classwork, etc. I also traveled to wherever she was to spend time with her, including the college's satellite campus, 30+ minutes away by city bus (I didn't have a car at the time). She, on the other hand, rarely traveled to where I was, although occasionally, she waited for me until after my classes. After a while, the relationship felt like a deadweight, that I stayed in only because I didn't think any other girl would like me. So when I took her to a dance, and she didn't dance with me in an embrace, I lost my feelings for her and pretty much ghosted her. Rude? Yeah. But I was young and stupid, particularly for getting into it to begin with.

Today, my platonic female friends give me nicer hugs, dance with me closer (strictly non-sexually), and accommodate my wishes better than my first girlfriend ever did. It's very ironic.

I'll admit my current relationship feels like a lot of work sometimes but I know I'm getting a lot more out of it. Being single was a lot worse for me. I do not believe there is an easy option for me cuz of my various issues. It's the same way for Cass I think. We are generally both better off in a relationship with each other despite the fact that we both have to work at it. I believe most romantic relationships require both partners to put forth some effort & work. That's the reason divorce is so common nowadays, people wanna jump ship as soon as things get difficult instead of being committed to each other. It's like in their wedding vows there was only For Better part & the Or For Worse part was not there.

When I got together with my first girlfriend, I felt like found gold. In my mind, I got a lot out of the relationship, but looking back, the only benefit I derived was being able to say I had a girlfriend. She wouldn't go with me to any places I wanted, she was stingy with physical affection, and she rarely made time for me when it wasn't convenient to her.

Most recent relationship, ending in 2013, wasn't great, either, but for different reasons. My girlfriend treated me poorly, like yelling at me or putting me down in public, although we did have shared interests. So when I broke up with her, I had already checked out of the relationship months prior, and therefore found myself feeling more relieved than upset.

The in-between relationships were pretty good, but they didn't last long: 2 to 6 months. So the devastation I had felt when they broke up with me wasn't too bad. More like frustration with having wasted time and effort. Come to think of it, I feel like I bonded better with a platonic female friend I met back in 2016 than I did with my past girlfriends.

I've only had 3 relationships. I was a big part of the problem as to why my 1st two relationships fell apart but there were things about them & their situation in life that caused problems too. Some of my problem was that I had BAD anxiety & OCD about things with them & our relationship & it caused me to become controlling. I got on anxiety & OCD medication before I got in my current relationship & that's one of the reasons I haven't screwed it up yet. It also helps that she's kinda needy & clingy too. Me & Cass both have our problems but we both want to be supportive of each other as best we can.

In my opinion, the most important thing needed in order to avoid boredom in a relationship is to have as many interests in common as possible, so that there is never a shortage of things you enjoy doing together or talking about with each other.

Having just one special interest in common isn't enough to sustain a relationship, because that one special interest may eventually fade for one or both of you. So you need to have lots of things in common that you can both relate to in a more general, longterm way.

Agree to all of the above. In fact, if it feels like a job, then you don't have a proper connection / attachment.

Strongly disagree. If you have a proper connection then you would want to adopt some of your partner's interests. OTOH, if you lack a proper connection, then it doesn't matter if you share absolutely every interest as you will still get bored eventually. Also, people's interest change, and also how you prioritize between them.



Nope. You don't need to share a single interest initially if you go about the relationship in a way that creates a strong connection. You might need to share some important values, but not interests.

I disagree. If you don't have shared interests, what would you actually do together, that you both enjoy? Out of bed, that is. So when looking for an activity to do, one person would need to give in. And it'll usually be the "weaker" person always doing so. Which will make for an awful relationship in the long run.

What you said actually reminds me of something a family member said to me, and it wasn't a nice thing. It was: "Forget about your interests! They're not important! What matters is how your and your significant other feel about each other." (Italics are used to show spoken emphasis.) Interestingly, that statement described my first relationship to a T: I was in love with her, but the relationship stunk. Basically, "feel" was a code word, meaning I was worthless and only my girlfriend's/wife's wishes mattered. That night, I drank three shots of vodka just to fall asleep, because their callousness toward me really shook me up.

If you don't like any of your partner's interests you could always pursue things that are novel to both of you. If you want to create a family, it could be something you could do as a family.

I think there are enough interests that any two people will always have something they could pursue together.



You shouldn't get connected to people that you cannot get along with, or that are full of drama or too self-centered.

If you don't have much common interests with your partner, you could always take turns indulging in each other's interests or you could both do your own things while your near each other. For example my girlfriend sometimes plays on her tablet sitting next to me on the sofa while I watch TV. She plays video-games a lot but most are one player & I sit next to her while she plays. I'm sometimes doing stuff on my phone but other times I'm just watching her & we're talking.

Short-term relationships, not much. Long-term relationships, a whole hell of a lot.

I'm not looking to create a family. In fact, I'm researching local vasectomy clinics, and planning to get myself snipped sometime before age 40.

First off, I hate staying home. Second, my friends found a "good" solution for lacking shared interests: they completely sacrificed their interests and now do only what their live-in girlfriends want. Which goes along with what my family told me: I'm worthless and only the woman's interests matter. Which scared me so much, that I now keep all women at arm's length, except as platonic friends.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 01 Jul 2019, 11:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Well, 24 years of marriage so I might be better able to comment on this than some. The kind of "work" one has to put into a relationship should be something you find yourself WANTING to do. If you bore easily, the "work" would be finding activities that help keep the relationship fresh and exciting for you. If you are feeling disconnected from your partner, the "work" is to make an extra effort to reconnect. And so on. In 26 total years with this man I don't remember ever thinking, "I wish I didn't have to figure this situation with my husband out." Like everything in life, you get back what you put in. It is "work" to take a vacation: you plan, you pack, etc. It is "work" to face the world every day. But these all remain things we choose to do. My life is better with him in it than without, so I want to do the little things it takes to keep the relationship solid. I may be feeling lazy but my husband would like us to do fun thing X or chore Y; so most of the time I will do X or Y. It makes me a better person by keeping me from falling too far prey to my sloth instincts. If I really need the lazy time, he'll roll with it.

I do think it is important to find someone with whom you are compatible on things like activity level, energy, relationship effort, etc. There are no right or wrong answers for any of it, just people that can supply each other what they need, or that can't. You don't have to be the same if you are both able to roll with the differences; some people can, some people cannot. A good relationship shouldn't feel stressful to you; it shouldn't make you feel you are being forced to do "work" you have no interest in doing (although there can be difficult periods during which you may have to allow yourself to be dragged into counseling or similar).

Don't avoid relationships out of fear that they take too much work, but do recognize that finding the right person, with whom you share a comfortable balance, could take some time. I kissed a lot of frogs before I found my prince. I was already in my mid-thirties. Life has it's own plan for you; just roll with it.