What is it like to date (or marry) another aspie?

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Lone Replicant
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06 Jul 2019, 1:15 pm

Apparently, any kind of relationship seems to depend more on luck than on any other factor.


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magz
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06 Jul 2019, 2:30 pm

Lone Replicant wrote:
Apparently, any kind of relationship seems to depend more on luck than on any other factor.

There is some luck in meeting someone compatibile - but you don't form relationships blindly and you make a lot of choices that shape the relationship once you're in.


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nick007
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06 Jul 2019, 3:21 pm

MaxE you ex sounds like the complete opposite of my current girlfriend except she does like some kid stuff like how yours did.


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06 Jul 2019, 7:21 pm

Mountain Goat wrote:
My previous girlfriend who is a very nice beautiful hesrted lady has asperges. Her son has autism. It went very well but I did feel she wasn't the right person for me.. You know when you are in love but somehow, and you don't know why, something stops you? Hard to describe as I don't know how to explain it as it is a deep down feeling... Dating her was lovely. Beautiful. She was ever so caring ad loyal. I can't fault her. Such a beautiful lady. I felt so, so guilty and sad when I ended it. For ages I was reliving it as I didn't want to hurt her in any way whatsoever. We had made plans... We were looking forward to the future... Yet somehow she wasn't the right one for me. I soo wish I knew that before but I just didn't know.

If you're not able to put your finger on precisely why she was not the "right one," then I would be inclined to regard your story above as an example of the intrinsic instability of contemporary popular notions of "romantic love."


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that1weirdgrrrl
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06 Jul 2019, 8:01 pm

.

Quote:
If you're not able to put your finger on precisely why she was not the "right one," then I would be inclined to regard your story above as an example of the intrinsic instability of contemporary popular notions of "romantic love."


I tend to agree. I want cold hard facts that I can analyse and use.

Back on the original question:
I have dated exclusively guys on the spectrum.
Some I had to break up with.
Some broke up with me.
My current bf is awesome, he puts all the others to shame.

If you want a relationship, my best advice is to keep trying.



Mountain Goat
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06 Jul 2019, 8:22 pm

I think it is very good advice to keep trying...
I am on hold as far as looking is concerned as without an income (Or much of an income when I do have one) I feel I can't do the gentleman thing and pay to take a girl out etc...


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MaxE
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07 Jul 2019, 9:41 am

nick007 wrote:
MaxE you ex sounds like the complete opposite of my current girlfriend except she does like some kid stuff like how yours did.
Well I wonder if she was actually on the spectrum but she had to have had some form of autism. What was unusual about her as compared to most of the women who post here (including the young ones) was that she was basically a happy and trusting person, although she communicated badly she wasn't at all shy or nervous about smiling at people or coming on to guys she found attractive. She seemed to really like herself and being who she was, and you would never have considered her a candidate to be medicated for either mood or anxiety. But when I was with her, as I sometimes was for hours at a time (not including nights spent sleeping together) I can recall feeling that I had no sense of what was going on inside her head, that she was keeping me company physically but not emotionally. Like I had been with other partners for whom I had ambivalent feelings, but when I was with them I believed I knew how they were feeling. Or like when she told me she always threw up after I left at the end of the weekend, instead of just telling me that she loved me and had a hard time being apart from me, which is what most girlfriends would have done. Like perhaps she threw up because she couldn't get her feelings out in a normal way.

I have never been diagnosed with an ASD either. If you click on my sig you can read about how I have addressed this. But lets assume she and I had both been diagnosed and had been made aware that we needed to make a conscious effort to share our feelings. How might things have been different?


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MissMary227
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07 Jul 2019, 8:54 pm

Hi OP,

I don't have much experience relating with another Aspie, but I was married to an NT for 22 years and then single for going on 9 years now. However, I have had some nice dates with a man who is 2 years younger than me and I am certain he is an Aspie. We might end up just being acquaintances and I am okay with that because I am waiting for Mr. Right, and I am not going to settle for a casual fling, or something less than right. At this point, I am not certain of his motives.

But I fancy thinking about us having that Aspie on Aspie connection, you know?

For starters, we are both extremely autonomous and independent. I can respect that now as an older female. I don't like the thought of being around my Amor every day, I think it would burn me out. I need a lot of processing time, especially when a lot of emotions are flowing. Being all or nothing, I would get lost in another person and lose the great gains I have made in my life while being on my own! I know that an Aspie male would get that, and like retaining his independence as well. I imagine he would find it refreshing that I admired and respected that and did not want to drown him in me. An NT male would probably think that was strange...

I don't like using a lot of words. I believe actions count more than anything. If someone is not performing according to your needs, then of course communication is essential. But overall, I don't really abide all this worldly advice that we must communicate, communicate, communicate all the time! I think spelling every single thing out verbally continuously takes some of the style--and power--out of our individuality because there are many other ways to communicate. How boring it is to iterate every thought and expectation! I think a fellow Aspie gets that. There will likely be less misunderstandings, and therefore, less need to clarify problem areas. I don't know about other Aspies (I am new to realizing I am one :) ) but I conserve my energy as a matter of course. And communication takes a LOT of energy.

As for my NT marriage, no matter how much we seemed to communicate, we always ended up going in circles. I read this online about AS/NT relating and I can attest to it. I infer that being with a fellow Aspie gets us off that roundabout, and allows us to attain a deeper level of relationship that is difficult to achieve in a relationship with an NT.

What got to me the most about my NT relationship with my ex was when he would misinterpret my intentions, even when I would tell him he was wrong! It's like it he saw me doing/acting/being a certain way, he interpreted it in a way that to him seemed logical, but which was dead wrong. I attribute this to me being Aspie and perhaps it was hard for my NT ex to understand me.

In a nutshell: I perceive that with an Aspie male, there will be more intrinsic understanding with life motives, presence, and perceptions. There will be many less opportunities for misunderstandings. There will be more ability for valid non-verbal communication. There will be an economy of language on many levels, there will be similar laid-back aspects of the respective personalities, and there will be a fundamental thrust of honesty which is virtually impossible for NT males (from my experience).

That is just scratching the surface. :D



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07 Jul 2019, 9:20 pm

Everyone I ever dated was NT but there was one occasion at church where I was introduced to a girl from a family visiting from overseas when I was 21 and she was mildly on the spectrum and had problems engaging socially.

The girl's mother took me out for lunch and asked me (given I was single) if I would be interested to show her around town (Later I realised she was hoping we could make some type of a connection).

Spending time with this girl (who came across as very sweet and highly educated (she had a Masters degree)) eventually became quite challenging as I struggled to understand her frame of thought. She went off on tangents quite often and I felt she was not really listening to me. Her voice seemed quite monotonous and lacking expression so quite hard to listen to.

After two outings (and despite this girl being really really nice) I was 100% sure that dating a girl like this would not work for me. I don't think either of us would have been very happy.

Her mother seemed quite disappointed



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07 Jul 2019, 9:26 pm

MissMary227 wrote:
For starters, we are both extremely autonomous and independent. I can respect that now as an older female. I don't like the thought of being around my Amor every day, I think it would burn me out. I need a lot of processing time, especially when a lot of emotions are flowing. Being all or nothing, I would get lost in another person and lose the great gains I have made in my life while being on my own! I know that an Aspie male would get that, and like retaining his independence as well. I imagine he would find it refreshing that I admired and respected that and did not want to drown him in me. An NT male would probably think that was strange...
I'm actually an Aspie male who LOVES being close with his partner & I am dependent in various ways. My current girlfriend is on the spectrum too & is kinda the same way so our relationship works. My 2nd girlfriend was also on the spectrum & kinda like you are Mary & it caused problems in our relationship. The only people I ever been close to & connected with were the 3 girlfriends I've had. I'm a loner with everyone else including both my parents & other relatives. Spending a lot of time close to my partner was on of the few ways in which I thought I'd be better off with an NT thou a codependent woman seemed pretty appealing for that too.


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But I don't want to go among mad people, Alice remarked.
Oh, you can't help that, said the Cat: we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
How do you know I'm mad? said Alice.
You must be, said the Cat, or you wouldn't have come here.


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07 Jul 2019, 10:41 pm

MissMary227 wrote:
I don't like using a lot of words. I believe actions count more than anything. If someone is not performing according to your needs, then of course communication is essential. But overall, I don't really abide all this worldly advice that we must communicate, communicate, communicate all the time! I think spelling every single thing out verbally continuously takes some of the style--and power--out of our individuality because there are many other ways to communicate. How boring it is to iterate every thought and expectation! I think a fellow Aspie gets that. There will likely be less misunderstandings, and therefore, less need to clarify problem areas. I don't know about other Aspies (I am new to realizing I am one :) ) but I conserve my energy as a matter of course. And communication takes a LOT of energy.

It's great if you can find a person with whom you can have easy mutual empathy without a lot of verbal communication. And it is much more likely, though not guaranteed, that you will find that with a fellow Aspie than with an NT.

But it's unlikely you'll ever find someone with whom you have 100% perfect mutual nonverbal empathy, so, it seems to me, it's still important to be able to communicate verbally when necessary, and to be able to do so in a way that is assertive without being aggressive.

MissMary227 wrote:
As for my NT marriage, no matter how much we seemed to communicate, we always ended up going in circles. I read this online about AS/NT relating and I can attest to it.

A good ASD-aware couples counselor might have been able to help you break out of those circles. Successful AS/NT relationships do exist, though they can be a challenge to achieve.


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MissMary227
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08 Jul 2019, 8:18 am

magz wrote:
Lone Replicant wrote:
Apparently, any kind of relationship seems to depend more on luck than on any other factor.

There is some luck in meeting someone compatibile - but you don't form relationships blindly and you make a lot of choices that shape the relationship once you're in.


I understand the world sort of sees it this way, and it can feel like that.

But I disagree. I believe God has a plan in place, that if you have a desire for a mate, He has made a special woman for a certain man. It's a matter of watching and waiting on His time, for The One. Many people don't believe in this concept anymore: that there are many 'soul mates' for a person. But I don't. Scripture says God builds a woman from a man, for that man, and that He presents her to the man; and the man sees her and knows that is his wife. :D

While waiting, I have learned to live as righteously as possible, making me the best version of me possible. I have found that setting lots of goals for myself keeps me distracted in a positive way (to help avoid depression).

In short, I think singles who do not relish being single need to focus on God, living and loving Him, and work on being the best wife/husband they can be. Then when the perfect person comes along, you can seize the opportunity and be relatively ready. Only God knows how long this will take though. I find being patient the hard part. :lol:



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08 Jul 2019, 9:31 am

MissMary227 wrote:
I understand the world sort of sees it this way, and it can feel like that.

But I disagree. I believe God has a plan in place, that if you have a desire for a mate, He has made a special woman for a certain man. It's a matter of watching and waiting on His time, for The One. Many people don't believe in this concept anymore: that there are many 'soul mates' for a person. But I don't. Scripture says God builds a woman from a man, for that man, and that He presents her to the man; and the man sees her and knows that is his wife. :D

While waiting, I have learned to live as righteously as possible, making me the best version of me possible. I have found that setting lots of goals for myself keeps me distracted in a positive way (to help avoid depression).

In short, I think singles who do not relish being single need to focus on God, living and loving Him, and work on being the best wife/husband they can be. Then when the perfect person comes along, you can seize the opportunity and be relatively ready. Only God knows how long this will take though. I find being patient the hard part. :lol:

I find some risk in what you describe: you will never marry a perfect person because no one is perfect. Over time, our imperfections become issues. What then?

By the way, a belief your spouse is special is great!


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08 Jul 2019, 9:36 am

Yep. It helps that I am thought of as being "special," too.

I'm a pretty ordinary person in many ways; so it's always nice when somebody thinks you more than you actually are :wink:



MissMary227
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08 Jul 2019, 9:39 am

magz wrote:
MissMary227 wrote:
I understand the world sort of sees it this way, and it can feel like that.

But I disagree. I believe God has a plan in place, that if you have a desire for a mate, He has made a special woman for a certain man. It's a matter of watching and waiting on His time, for The One. Many people don't believe in this concept anymore: that there are many 'soul mates' for a person. But I don't. Scripture says God builds a woman from a man, for that man, and that He presents her to the man; and the man sees her and knows that is his wife. :D

While waiting, I have learned to live as righteously as possible, making me the best version of me possible. I have found that setting lots of goals for myself keeps me distracted in a positive way (to help avoid depression).

In short, I think singles who do not relish being single need to focus on God, living and loving Him, and work on being the best wife/husband they can be. Then when the perfect person comes along, you can seize the opportunity and be relatively ready. Only God knows how long this will take though. I find being patient the hard part. :lol:

I find some risk in what you describe: you will never marry a perfect person because no one is perfect. Over time, our imperfections become issues. What then?

By the way, a belief your spouse is special is great!



Ah! But I mean 'perfect' for you! No one is perfect, except Jesus. But someone is perfect for you, if God made them for you!