What is it like to date (or marry) another aspie?

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QFT
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08 Jul 2019, 9:47 am

MissMary227 wrote:
What got to me the most about my NT relationship with my ex was when he would misinterpret my intentions, even when I would tell him he was wrong! It's like it he saw me doing/acting/being a certain way, he interpreted it in a way that to him seemed logical, but which was dead wrong. I attribute this to me being Aspie and perhaps it was hard for my NT ex to understand me.


I can totally relate to it, and I find it super frustrating when it happens to me. It feels like "I am telling you the fact, why don't you believe this fact I am telling you, are you thinking I have multiple personalities or something?" This sort of thing is probably what started most of the fights in my past relationships.



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08 Jul 2019, 9:49 am

MissMary227 wrote:
It's a matter of watching and waiting on His time, for The One.


So what would happen if you don't watch and miss that one opportunity?



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08 Jul 2019, 9:55 am

MissMary227 wrote:
Ah! But I mean 'perfect' for you! No one is perfect, except Jesus. But someone is perfect for you, if God made them for you!

Well, if your "perfect for you" includes "with imperfections you can live with" then I'm ready to agree.
But even finding this person does not relieve you from efforts you need to make to care for your relationship and overcome difficulties that everyday life brings.


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kraftiekortie
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08 Jul 2019, 9:57 am

After I was about a certain age, I stopped "watching" for it----and just "let things happen."

"Watching for it" is a futile exercise, in my opinion.



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08 Jul 2019, 10:07 am

magz wrote:
MissMary227 wrote:
Ah! But I mean 'perfect' for you! No one is perfect, except Jesus. But someone is perfect for you, if God made them for you!

Well, if your "perfect for you" includes "with imperfections you can live with" then I'm ready to agree.
But even finding this person does not relieve you from efforts you need to make to care for your relationship and overcome difficulties that everyday life brings.


I agree with you. Thats why I am puzzled why the girls I dated were too quick to decide "we aren't right for each other" instead of trying to put an effort to make it work. I mean, shortly before breakups I actually had those conversations with them when I kept telling them I am willing to change and they kept telling me I shouldn't change I should just find someone who fits me like a glove.

I am guessing maybe, in their minds, I already had plenty of opportunities to change and I didn't. But you see, in my case, I have to be "told" about something or else I wouldn't be aware of it. So its too bad they only told me something was a problem when their mind was already made up that they wanted to leave.



MissMary227
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08 Jul 2019, 10:17 am

QFT wrote:
MissMary227 wrote:
It's a matter of watching and waiting on His time, for The One.


So what would happen if you don't watch and miss that one opportunity?


I mean watching in a bit of a non-literal way, sorry. It means really to be open and alert to that special person coming your way. Otherwise, you might overlook the possibility. Plus, it's fun because God likes to make us privy to his mysteries when we seek Him, and he likes for us to know He is blessing us. He usually gives us signs.

I like this story as an illustration of what I am saying:

I Sent You a Rowboat
A man was once caught in rising floodwaters. He climbed onto the roof of his house and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbour came by in a canoe and said, “The waters will soon be above your house. Hop in and we’ll paddle to safety.”

“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will save me”

A short time later the police came by in a boat. “The waters will soon be above your house. Hop in and we’ll take you to safety.”

“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will save me”

A little time later a rescue services helicopter hovered overhead, let down a rope ladder and said. “The waters will soon be above your house. Climb the ladder and we’ll fly you to safety.”

“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will save me”

All this time the floodwaters continued to rise, until soon they reached above the roof and the religious man drowned. When he arrived at heaven he demanded an audience with God. Ushered into God’s throne room he said, “Lord, why am I here in heaven? I prayed for you to save me, I trusted you to save me from that flood.”

“Yes you did my child” replied the Lord. “And I sent you a canoe, a boat and a helicopter. But you never got in.”


It's popular in the world to make lists of attributes you want in a partner. Then if you meet someone who checks off your boxes, they must be a soul mate. But in reality, God might have a different mate planned for you. You have to keep an open mind to some things, while holding some things non-negotiable. Figuring those things out is also part of preparing yourself for that person.



MissMary227
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08 Jul 2019, 10:24 am

QFT wrote:
magz wrote:
MissMary227 wrote:
Ah! But I mean 'perfect' for you! No one is perfect, except Jesus. But someone is perfect for you, if God made them for you!

Well, if your "perfect for you" includes "with imperfections you can live with" then I'm ready to agree.
But even finding this person does not relieve you from efforts you need to make to care for your relationship and overcome difficulties that everyday life brings.


I agree with you. Thats why I am puzzled why the girls I dated were too quick to decide "we aren't right for each other" instead of trying to put an effort to make it work. I mean, shortly before breakups I actually had those conversations with them when I kept telling them I am willing to change and they kept telling me I shouldn't change I should just find someone who fits me like a glove.

I am guessing maybe, in their minds, I already had plenty of opportunities to change and I didn't. But you see, in my case, I have to be "told" about something or else I wouldn't be aware of it. So its too bad they only told me something was a problem when their mind was already made up that they wanted to leave.


That's a bit more complicated......

Women tend to know who is wrong for them, but not who is right. The male knows who is right for him, when he finally finds her, but not who is wrong for him along the way. It's a bit of a mind boggle, so you might have to mull it over a bit to understand what I am saying.

How this manifests practically is that we girls will instantly know if someone is not right for us, but those few who do make the cut (those we will actually date), we will not know which one is the One. That is when it is incumbent on the male to take the lead in that way, because he will likely already know.

So, the female knows early on who is not the one, but the male knows who is the one. If two people are preordained to be together by God, these different paradigms will work perfectly and compliment each other.

That is my belief. Take it as you will. :D


AND ** SUPER IMPORTANT**

For the right one, you will not have to fundamentally change who you are. Anything that needs changing will and can be changed as you morph with the other person, and that will be kinda fun, not a chore or an impossibility!



QFT
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08 Jul 2019, 1:53 pm

MissMary227 wrote:
Women tend to know who is wrong for them, but not who is right. The male knows who is right for him, when he finally finds her, but not who is wrong for him along the way.


My question to you is: how do you know this statement is correct? I mean, it is based on the underlying assumption that when the woman rejected the man from the outset, they were, indeed, wrong for each other. But how do you know this assumption is correct? I mean, how do you know that things wouldn't have worked out if they tried -- given that they never tried? So it feels more like self fulfilling prophecy.

The other question to ask yourself is "how" does the woman know it wouldn't have worked? It would probably be some sort of social faux pas the man did. But faux passes are easily fixable: if she were to tell him not to do it, maybe he would have learned not to. I guess if they spent a long time trying and it kept not working then its a different story. But thats not the situation I am talking about, I am talking about the situation when the woman made a decision based on the first impression.

And, last but not least, remember you were talking yourself how you find it frustrating when people make assumptions about you thats not true. Well, I remember many cases when women rejected me based off of incorrect assumptions. For example, one woman rejected me because she assumed that -- due to my Asperger -- I wouldn't want to go socialize with her friends, and thats not true. And I remember the other woman asking me whether I am capable of falling in love, since Sheldon in Big Bang Theory couldn't -- and I am not Sheldon so yes I can fall in love, but she didn't believe me. And then there was a woman who assumed I want to be sheltered since my mom shelters me -- and I couldn't get her to see that I resent my mom for this exact thing so of course I "wouldn't" want a woman to be like my mom. So how do you know things wouldn't have worked out with those women if only I could correct their misperceptions of me?



Last edited by QFT on 08 Jul 2019, 2:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

QFT
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08 Jul 2019, 1:55 pm

MissMary227 wrote:
QFT wrote:
MissMary227 wrote:
It's a matter of watching and waiting on His time, for The One.


So what would happen if you don't watch and miss that one opportunity?


I mean watching in a bit of a non-literal way, sorry. It means really to be open and alert to that special person coming your way. Otherwise, you might overlook the possibility. Plus, it's fun because God likes to make us privy to his mysteries when we seek Him, and he likes for us to know He is blessing us. He usually gives us signs.

I like this story as an illustration of what I am saying:

I Sent You a Rowboat
A man was once caught in rising floodwaters. He climbed onto the roof of his house and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbour came by in a canoe and said, “The waters will soon be above your house. Hop in and we’ll paddle to safety.”

“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will save me”

A short time later the police came by in a boat. “The waters will soon be above your house. Hop in and we’ll take you to safety.”

“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will save me”

A little time later a rescue services helicopter hovered overhead, let down a rope ladder and said. “The waters will soon be above your house. Climb the ladder and we’ll fly you to safety.”

“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will save me”

All this time the floodwaters continued to rise, until soon they reached above the roof and the religious man drowned. When he arrived at heaven he demanded an audience with God. Ushered into God’s throne room he said, “Lord, why am I here in heaven? I prayed for you to save me, I trusted you to save me from that flood.”

“Yes you did my child” replied the Lord. “And I sent you a canoe, a boat and a helicopter. But you never got in.”


It's popular in the world to make lists of attributes you want in a partner. Then if you meet someone who checks off your boxes, they must be a soul mate. But in reality, God might have a different mate planned for you. You have to keep an open mind to some things, while holding some things non-negotiable. Figuring those things out is also part of preparing yourself for that person.


This doesn't address the following question though. Nobody can change the past. So how do I know I didn't run into the one woman made for me in the past and missed that opportunity? If thats the case, how can I ever get another opportunity if God only made "one" woman for me?



that1weirdgrrrl
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08 Jul 2019, 2:08 pm

Quote:
It's a matter of watching and waiting on His time, for The One.


Do you think this is true even for people who don't believe in God?

(I swear this isn't meant to start a flame. I really do wonder)



kraftiekortie
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08 Jul 2019, 2:59 pm

I believe, at times, that there is "one woman," or "one man" for someone. I believe I had found that person when I was a teenager. Turned out to be only partially true---because she got into drugs, and fell in love with a drug dealer.

I believe, in at least some cases, that romantic relationships evolve from relatively long-term friendships.



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08 Jul 2019, 3:04 pm

^
It's hard to tell, isn't it?

I was always inclined to think you can "make it work" or be happy with a number of compatible people (not at the same time, obviously), but I just can't imagine being with anyone else or as happy as I am with my wife... But how would I know anyway?


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08 Jul 2019, 5:09 pm

Yep.....we have to really wing it when it comes to romance.

But I would say, in many cases, that one's mate is "sufficient," if not "ideal" or "perfect" or "the right man/woman," or whatever. That the best relationships are those which are as close to "right" as possible.



MissMary227
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09 Jul 2019, 10:13 pm

QFT wrote:
MissMary227 wrote:
Women tend to know who is wrong for them, but not who is right. The male knows who is right for him, when he finally finds her, but not who is wrong for him along the way.


My question to you is: how do you know this statement is correct? I mean, it is based on the underlying assumption that when the woman rejected the man from the outset, they were, indeed, wrong for each other. But how do you know this assumption is correct? I mean, how do you know that things wouldn't have worked out if they tried -- given that they never tried? So it feels more like self fulfilling prophecy.

The other question to ask yourself is "how" does the woman know it wouldn't have worked? It would probably be some sort of social faux pas the man did. But faux passes are easily fixable: if she were to tell him not to do it, maybe he would have learned not to. I guess if they spent a long time trying and it kept not working then its a different story. But thats not the situation I am talking about, I am talking about the situation when the woman made a decision based on the first impression.

And, last but not least, remember you were talking yourself how you find it frustrating when people make assumptions about you thats not true. Well, I remember many cases when women rejected me based off of incorrect assumptions. For example, one woman rejected me because she assumed that -- due to my Asperger -- I wouldn't want to go socialize with her friends, and thats not true. And I remember the other woman asking me whether I am capable of falling in love, since Sheldon in Big Bang Theory couldn't -- and I am not Sheldon so yes I can fall in love, but she didn't believe me. And then there was a woman who assumed I want to be sheltered since my mom shelters me -- and I couldn't get her to see that I resent my mom for this exact thing so of course I "wouldn't" want a woman to be like my mom. So how do you know things wouldn't have worked out with those women if only I could correct their misperceptions of me?


I think what you are missing/not taking into account is the spiritual side of all this. Finding the one is more a spiritual process than a material process. The premise is that God already made someone for you, and it's a matter of waiting on His time to present her to you.

Women know instinctively and quickly (this has been proven) whom they are not interested in. Sure, they could sometimes be wrong, but for the most part, God has put an intuition in her to be attracted to the man He made for her. Maybe that attraction doesn't happen at first and needs time to culminate and grow, but if a girl ditches you early on, rest assured she probably isn't the one for you. Open your mind to the fact that it isn't about things done or undone, it's about a chemistry and soulfulness that is beyond words or works. When you meet the right person, you won't be able to walk away easily. You won't be able to get them out of your mind. And it will be mutual, not one-sided. You will both feel this way. That is the key.

If those women misunderstood you so completely--and superficially--they were not the right one for you.

It really is only after you give up the search to God and focus on your own goals and growth that God will bless you with the right girl. I have found it to be that way in my life. I don't KNOW (remember, God gives it to the man to know in the end, more so than the woman) if I have found Mr Right or not, but I am not really worried about it. I used to be! A lot! But I know that if I focus on God, as the bible says, He will give me the desires of my heart, so it's more of an exciting wait-and-see kind of energy. It's been hard for me to get to this surrendering place, because it is a surrender. You can hunt all day long but if God is not ready to bless you, or if it is not the right time, you will only bring misery and heartbreak upon yourself (and others). Rest assured, if you sincerely desire to find your mate, it will happen in His perfect time.

I believe in this process wholeheartedly because of walking with Him for 7 years now. Before that I was an avowed atheist for 22 years. I was so wrong. The more life goes on, the more He proves His love and devotion to me, and the more blessings He bestows on me, and the more my faith and knowledge in Him grows. Just like how a relationship works, getting deeper.

I wish this for everyone. And, yeah, in answer to another post here, whether you believe in God or not, He believes in you, and he blesses all of us. Although He blesses more those who bless and glorify Him.

"He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." ~Matthew 5:45



QFT
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09 Jul 2019, 10:43 pm

MissMary227 wrote:
QFT wrote:
MissMary227 wrote:
Women tend to know who is wrong for them, but not who is right. The male knows who is right for him, when he finally finds her, but not who is wrong for him along the way.


My question to you is: how do you know this statement is correct? I mean, it is based on the underlying assumption that when the woman rejected the man from the outset, they were, indeed, wrong for each other. But how do you know this assumption is correct? I mean, how do you know that things wouldn't have worked out if they tried -- given that they never tried? So it feels more like self fulfilling prophecy.

The other question to ask yourself is "how" does the woman know it wouldn't have worked? It would probably be some sort of social faux pas the man did. But faux passes are easily fixable: if she were to tell him not to do it, maybe he would have learned not to. I guess if they spent a long time trying and it kept not working then its a different story. But thats not the situation I am talking about, I am talking about the situation when the woman made a decision based on the first impression.

And, last but not least, remember you were talking yourself how you find it frustrating when people make assumptions about you thats not true. Well, I remember many cases when women rejected me based off of incorrect assumptions. For example, one woman rejected me because she assumed that -- due to my Asperger -- I wouldn't want to go socialize with her friends, and thats not true. And I remember the other woman asking me whether I am capable of falling in love, since Sheldon in Big Bang Theory couldn't -- and I am not Sheldon so yes I can fall in love, but she didn't believe me. And then there was a woman who assumed I want to be sheltered since my mom shelters me -- and I couldn't get her to see that I resent my mom for this exact thing so of course I "wouldn't" want a woman to be like my mom. So how do you know things wouldn't have worked out with those women if only I could correct their misperceptions of me?


I think what you are missing/not taking into account is the spiritual side of all this. Finding the one is more a spiritual process than a material process. The premise is that God already made someone for you, and it's a matter of waiting on His time to present her to you.

Women know instinctively and quickly (this has been proven) whom they are not interested in. Sure, they could sometimes be wrong, but for the most part, God has put an intuition in her to be attracted to the man He made for her. Maybe that attraction doesn't happen at first and needs time to culminate and grow, but if a girl ditches you early on, rest assured she probably isn't the one for you. Open your mind to the fact that it isn't about things done or undone, it's about a chemistry and soulfulness that is beyond words or works. When you meet the right person, you won't be able to walk away easily. You won't be able to get them out of your mind. And it will be mutual, not one-sided. You will both feel this way. That is the key.

If those women misunderstood you so completely--and superficially--they were not the right one for you.

It really is only after you give up the search to God and focus on your own goals and growth that God will bless you with the right girl. I have found it to be that way in my life. I don't KNOW (remember, God gives it to the man to know in the end, more so than the woman) if I have found Mr Right or not, but I am not really worried about it. I used to be! A lot! But I know that if I focus on God, as the bible says, He will give me the desires of my heart, so it's more of an exciting wait-and-see kind of energy. It's been hard for me to get to this surrendering place, because it is a surrender. You can hunt all day long but if God is not ready to bless you, or if it is not the right time, you will only bring misery and heartbreak upon yourself (and others). Rest assured, if you sincerely desire to find your mate, it will happen in His perfect time.

I believe in this process wholeheartedly because of walking with Him for 7 years now. Before that I was an avowed atheist for 22 years. I was so wrong. The more life goes on, the more He proves His love and devotion to me, and the more blessings He bestows on me, and the more my faith and knowledge in Him grows. Just like how a relationship works, getting deeper.

I wish this for everyone. And, yeah, in answer to another post here, whether you believe in God or not, He believes in you, and he blesses all of us. Although He blesses more those who bless and glorify Him.

"He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." ~Matthew 5:45


First of all, I am a Christian. I guess my disagreement with you boils down to the fact that some Christians lean more towards free will and some more towards predestination. Personally, I am undecided in terms of salvation and stuff, but I guess I am approaching the dating thing more from free will point of view. Thus, it is entirely possible that I met a woman with whom things "could have" worked, if the free will decisions me and her made were different. I mean, I can find several holes in the argument that "God made a woman specifically for me". First of all, if she is only one woman in the whole globe, then the probability that I would run onto her is very low. Secondly, what if I already ran into her several years ago and missed it, what then? And thirdly, you yourself have been divorced and are looking for other men, which contradicts your statement that there is just one made for you. By the way, I don't believe in divorce (Jesus preached against it in the sermon on the mount). But thats besides the point. I still don't think that God made just one woman for me. I think when/if I marry then -- as a consequence of my free will decision -- God would want me to stay with that woman for the rest of my life. But that doesn't mean she was made for me initially.

If you want to know more details about my background, I am originally from Russia, I came to US when I was 14, and still live in US. I was born Jewish, and I came to believe in Jesus when I was 22. Since I was in US at the time, I am a Protestant. More precisely, I am Messianic -- meaning I believe in Jesus and keep Jewish laws at the same time. However, despite being Protestant -- sometimes I listen to Russian Orthodox priests on youtube, just out of curiocity -- and I listen to the ones that are in Russia proper (as opposed to Orthodox Church in America). Anyway, a few times I ran upon the videos where they discussed marriage. And one thing I noticed is that they would NEVER say "leave it up to God". On the contrary, they would be giving advice on what kinds of things to look for in a partner and so forth. But when I talk to American Protestants, then yes I hear a lot "leave it all to God". So I am wondering, could this be a cultural difference between Russia and America -- that just shown itself in religious sphere? Its very much part of American culture to say "be who you are" and blah blah blah. In Russian culture they encourage you to change. Sometimes I wonder if I were to live in Russia, would the Russian girls give up as easily as American girls do?



Last edited by QFT on 09 Jul 2019, 10:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.