Help, NT wife messed up

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I couldn't. My parents totally loved her, especially my mom. They were also very strict, so I "knew" they'd blame me if I asked for a different therapist. Whenever I talked to her about my poorly my family was treating me, she mocked me and took their side: she'd always tilt her head to the side and say "awww" in a cooing tone. To add insult to the injury, she'd ask: "How do you feel when your parents disrespect you?" Not even once did she teach me an assertiveness tactic I can use. If that's not a moron, I don't know what is.

I went through some messed up **** [poop] between ages 10 and 16, when I was seeing her. From getting surgery that had a painful 3-week recovery/aftercare period, to witnessing my parents throw things across the room while fighting, to hearing my parents threaten to put me in military school if I bring home another C, to having my grandfather slip into a brief coma while in the hospital, to getting traumatized by an intense movie scene, to getting grounded on New Year's Eve after making my first new friend in 6 years (and not going to his party), to getting very severely bullied. Sometimes more than one thing at a time. I didn't tell her about any of these things. Why not? I knew she's just rub it in my face and/or coo at me; I knew she wasn't going to help me with any of it. She did it the first time I told her about the surgery. So ever since, I just kept her busy with fabricated throwaway issues, like test anxiety. And drinking my parents' whiskey (and replacing it with water) when they weren't looking.

I think counselors would be more useful to society if they picked up trash on city streets. They don't even give advice!

There are good and bad councillors out there, I've met awful ones too, one which I never returned to as I walked out crying my eyes out. She kept disbelieving me too. Another support worker (who did councilling) purposely placed me into situations which triggered public meltdowns for me and it was extremely humiliating. Still, at least I had a choice to keep having them (or not see them again, which I chose). To have what you experienced forced onto you like that must have been horrible. People can assume because you're young and/or autistic (I've experienced both prejudices) that you're not to be believed. It isn't nice and is very isolating.

Yet another councillor I saw years ago, helped me to learn body language (it was my "special interest") and even took me out and about to observe people. That was a great exercise, and I recommend aspies do that. He was understanding and extremely accommodating, he just read immediately when I was anxious and took me out of situations, and he taught me to recognise it in others too. There's such a variety of councillors out there, some are really wonderful, others absolutely terrible.

My heart goes out to you. That sounds like it would be a painful childhood for anyone. I’m sorry you didn’t have the support you needed.

I agree with the others - consider finding a therapist that you would feel comfortable with. Even as an NT I’ve been through my share of bad therapist or not helpful ones before I finally found one that was a good fit. Sloughing off weight of past wounds, especially inflicted by other people, may give you a freedom you’ve long deserved.

To Aspie1: I wouldn't necessarily advise you to look for a better therapist yourself at the present time, which you've clearly indicated you're not interested in doing. However, I would encourage you to modify the advice that you give to others based on your bad experiences.

I think it's good for you to warn people that there are some really horrible therapists out there, and that people need to be very cautious about selecting a therapist. However, please try to refrain from overgeneralizations about what all therapists do or don't do.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 18 Jul 2019, 7:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

I am Aspie woman with NT man. We consider each other equals (albeit very different) --- sounds like you have similar view of your relationship. My marriage has been VERY hard, but likewise it's been Rewarding. What saved us were mandatory weekly 20-min talks, first stating two things we appreciate about each other, then each taking 1-min turns to talk, starting with status of the relationship (a numbers person -like me- will love this part of it).

I read that generally Aspies are loyal, so hang in there. I read that Aspies like routine, so if the talks can be made a routine. If the word "talk" is unpleasant for your husband, perhaps the new routine could be called "a bidirectional verbal exchange". --- or maybe exchange some letters first ---- ooo, yeah, have you written a letter?

I have written a letter, per the suggestion of another member.

I like your weekly talk and I think it would serve our relationship well to limit confrontational talk to just one day for a set time. I think that would be a huge help. Would you mind sharing other techniques that have worked in your relationship?

I know, right? I think I did a better job playing therapist for each of my parents while they fought with each other, than my therapist did for me as an actual therapist. While I did the job of an adult with a Master's degree when I was only 13, I was still expected to bring home perfect grades and dealt with bullying at school. Plus, I feared that a C would send my parents over the edge and cause them to get a divorce. Obviously, I never told my therapist any of it. I knew she's only ask how it makes me feel and coo at me, and not teach me ways to get my parents to stop fighting.

So to this day, I think all therapists are useless time-wasters at best and dangerous sociopaths at worst. And family therapists are the worst: they're more fake than Kim Kardashian. They pretend to be a child's friend while siding with his parents. At least I knew how to keep mine busy by fabricating "easy" issues. Other kids might not be so lucky.

A part of me wants to start my own therapy movement: Rational Dialectic Therapy, making it the world's first therapy aimed specifically at aspies. Inspired by Plato and Descartes, and developed by yours truly. It will specifically exclude "emotions" and "feelings" from its vocabulary, and focus only on reasoning, advice, actions, and reactions. (or "RAAR" for short)

Back on topic. Looks like you took the right steps to reconcile with your husband. I hope it works out for you. And when you do those weekly talks, drop the words "feelings" and "emotions" from your vocabulary. Otherwise, one of these things will happen: (A) Your husband will have a meltdown, or (B) He will figure out what you want to hear, and recite it to keep peace. Much like kids recite the Pledge of Allegiance daily without really understanding what it means.

One of my friends was going through a bitter and tumultuous time in her marriage last few year. The most upsetting was how her daughter tried to broker peace between the parents. A child no older than 11, shouldn’t have taken on that role. She should’ve been doing kid things, not being a mediator to two adults who are supposed to be taking care of her. Your story reminded me of my friend’s and her daughter and I still worry about the long term effects it will have on their family but particularly the daughter. That’s a heavy burden to take on as a 13-year-old, one that should’ve been handled more delicately by adults who should know better. I’m sorry, I hope RAAR has given you comfort or peace from such a past.

Thank you for your kind words. I hope we reconcile, too. I know I will not make such error again.

I like the advice of Aspie1 (a contract), and I share his opinion that I would never, ever, accept counseling. I also have experience of completely useless "therapy" that I would have done much better without.

As for the specific issue here, I think it's a really bad sign that he is distancing. I've had this divorce crap thrown over me too, and I used to just ignore it. As long as that was the case, there would be no consequences. However, once I hit a certain point I would decide to distance myself emotionally and when that happens, it will usually be the end of things (at least the intimate part of the relationship). The most important thing that keeps NDs in relationships is a strong emotional bond, and when we start to build anger or resentment towards our partner, this will hurt the bond, and when we have done this long enough, we can leave the relationship "just like that". So, you should be really careful about this process. It's possible you can make him stop this process and get a stronger bond again, but otherwise, the relationship will slowly die.

^I've also had those negative experiences with therapists... it did put me off for a while because she made typical assumptions that werent accurate in my case, I internalised a lot after that experience.

Long term these experiences made me more selective about the services I purchase, not an absolute objector.

Mrs Wiggles, I think its helpful that rdos and aspie1 have shared their aversion to mental health professionals as a caution, I hope however that your husband will prioritise your shared goal of maintaining your relationship and be open to outside help should your marriage need it.

Rational Dialectic Therapy isn't meant to "give comfort". That's what my therapist promised: "to help me feel better in the long run". Which I knew was a cop-out, because the "long run" never came. (I got better results from 6 days on Effexor XR this year, than I did from 6 years in therapy.) Rational Dialectic Therapy is meant to understand motives and teach tactics through conversations. Like reaching the Form of the Good through dialectic in Plato's philosophy, combined with Descartes's rationalism. It's more similar to life coaching; it only has a fancy, philosopher-style name to trick the mental health industry into embracing it.

And playing therapist as a 13-year-old did have an effect. I now keep all women at arm's length, except as platonic friends, and will not let any woman even be my girlfriend, let alone marry me. Like it was said in Galatians 6:7 (and I'm an atheist!), my parents reaped what they sowed: I refuse to get married or have kids. Other family members telling me that my interests within marriage don't matter didn't help, either.

I would recommend another resource called a marriage encounter.

World Wide Marriage Encounters

A Weekend Marriage Encounter is available to many faiths. It uses the written form of communications, like writing love letters, rather than verbal. Aspies communicate better in writing than verbally. You show up at the designated hotel or retreat center and are separated from you mate. You attend seminars together but you communicate only in writing. It opens up the communications channels. It is a weekend retreat. Rediscover something amazing! Worldwide Marriage Encounter's faith-based marriage enrichment will help you fall in love all over again.

You might search the Internet and locate one that matches your faith and location. I went through a Marriage Encounter retreat once around 30 years ago and I personally recommend this experience. My wife and I have been married for around 45 years.

^Religious stuff belongs in the Politics Philosophy and Religion sub section, not in Love and Dating.

[MOD]

This isn't the place for religious preaching or to bash the OP.

If you don't have practical advice, kindly keep it zipped.

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It's my opinion only for the OP. You can take it or leave it. I have a right to give my advice here as far as I know, as long as I am not bashing others' opinions (as you have mine). I have to accommodate everyone else's opinions as well, even if I find them offensive or disagreeable. It's not that hard.

I think it's very applicable to dating/relationship advice. Exchange of power/control in relationships is one of the primary reasons for strife, along with lack of communication. I would say communication could even be a subset of power and control. So, in that vein, I am suggesting to the OP to allow her husband to have the power in their relationship and to exploit/celebrate it. It could turn things around for her.

MrsWiggles, I wrote a long response but it apparently got lost in the cloud. I'll go for an abbreviated response.

I hope your letter was well enough received (even if you can't tell directly).

My husband and I aspire to meet halfway --- the over-reactive one (me) holds off a bit and the under-reactive one (him) steps up a bit. And of course we need to get our sleep, eat right (him) and manage our work stress, exercise (me) to reduce general grumpiness. Simple really --- at least to KNOW, much harder to DO.