Establishing A Social Network To Meet A Partner

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The Grand Inquisitor
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12 Aug 2019, 6:18 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
You would probably do better when you carry around a guitar. And even better if you play it decently.

Women absolutely flock to male guitar players----especially if they either do hard rock, or singer-songwriter type stuff.

You got half the battle won already. You have long hair and a beard. You LOOK like a guitar player.....

I actually have short-medium hair and a long beard, but point taken.



The_Face_of_Boo
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13 Aug 2019, 3:29 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
You would probably do better when you carry around a guitar. And even better if you play it decently.

Women absolutely flock to male guitar players----especially if they either do hard rock, or singer-songwriter type stuff.



Are you sure this still applies in his generation?



kraftiekortie
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13 Aug 2019, 5:08 am

Yep



rdos
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13 Aug 2019, 6:55 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
If you're not even fully aware of it, then it's not something you can study. That being the case, what is your basis for concluding that your purely-nonverbal approach to relationships is the "natural" way for all or most autistic people?


There are actually many things that point in that direction.

Mona Pereth wrote:
I haven't seen anyone else say anything like this, either here on Wrong Planet or on any of the many blogs by autistic people that I've looked at over the past year and a half. At most, I've seen a few autistic bloggers say that they are better able than NTs to read the body language of (at least some) other autistic people. But that's a far cry from having or desiring a purely nonverbal approach to relationships.


I think that is because many public figures in the autistic community are highly verbal, which actually is not representative of the collective as a whole. This is something you will notice on Aspie gatherings too. The highly verbal people will talk most of the time, and also are those who typically arrange things. However, if you study the collective as a whole, you will also notice that many are shy & introvert and talk very little.

My main inspiration have been myself, and I know I prefer to minimize talking in every context, and particularly in a relationship.

I'll give you a few hints why this is likely so for a majority:
1. Being shy and introvert both are strongly correlated to autism and being ND.
2. Autistic guys have a lot of trouble initiating verbal contact with girls they fancy.
3. Autistics and NDs have trouble talking about (and verbalizing) feelings.



Roboto
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13 Aug 2019, 1:17 pm

rdos wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
If you're not even fully aware of it, then it's not something you can study. That being the case, what is your basis for concluding that your purely-nonverbal approach to relationships is the "natural" way for all or most autistic people?


There are actually many things that point in that direction.

Mona Pereth wrote:
I haven't seen anyone else say anything like this, either here on Wrong Planet or on any of the many blogs by autistic people that I've looked at over the past year and a half. At most, I've seen a few autistic bloggers say that they are better able than NTs to read the body language of (at least some) other autistic people. But that's a far cry from having or desiring a purely nonverbal approach to relationships.


I think that is because many public figures in the autistic community are highly verbal, which actually is not representative of the collective as a whole. This is something you will notice on Aspie gatherings too. The highly verbal people will talk most of the time, and also are those who typically arrange things. However, if you study the collective as a whole, you will also notice that many are shy & introvert and talk very little.

My main inspiration have been myself, and I know I prefer to minimize talking in every context, and particularly in a relationship.

I'll give you a few hints why this is likely so for a majority:
1. Being shy and introvert both are strongly correlated to autism and being ND.
2. Autistic guys have a lot of trouble initiating verbal contact with girls they fancy.
3. Autistics and NDs have trouble talking about (and verbalizing) feelings.


Bingo.



Mona Pereth
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13 Aug 2019, 4:51 pm

rdos wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
If you're not even fully aware of it, then it's not something you can study. That being the case, what is your basis for concluding that your purely-nonverbal approach to relationships is the "natural" way for all or most autistic people?


There are actually many things that point in that direction.

Mona Pereth wrote:
I haven't seen anyone else say anything like this, either here on Wrong Planet or on any of the many blogs by autistic people that I've looked at over the past year and a half. At most, I've seen a few autistic bloggers say that they are better able than NTs to read the body language of (at least some) other autistic people. But that's a far cry from having or desiring a purely nonverbal approach to relationships.


I think that is because many public figures in the autistic community are highly verbal, which actually is not representative of the collective as a whole.

Actually, the blogs I've looked at include a few by people who are nonspeaking, though they can type (e.g. Mel Baggs and Amy Sequenzia). Even they assume that they will always need to communicate with other people via typing and/or pictures. I don't recall seeing them express a desire to communicate purely via body language and/or telepathy.

rdos wrote:
This is something you will notice on Aspie gatherings too. The highly verbal people will talk most of the time, and also are those who typically arrange things. However, if you study the collective as a whole, you will also notice that many are shy & introvert and talk very little.

Actually what I've noticed (much to my annoyance) is a lack of effort, by the more verbally-fluent leading members, to structure things so the less verbally-fluent members can more easily get a chance to talk if/when they want to.

I myself am not as verbally fluent as many of the other people there are. I have some difficulties with fully processing what the other people are saying in real time, and it's often hard for me to get a word in edgewise. I have difficulty with group conversations unless they are highly structured and focused. One-on-one conversations are easier. In conversation, my mind needs something to focus on, either a person or a topic.

rdos wrote:
My main inspiration have been myself, and I know I prefer to minimize talking in every context,

You seem to be fine with writing/typing, though, at least here on Wrong Planet, even though you may dislike using your voice to talk. Do you dislike even writing/typing in the context of a relationship?

rdos wrote:
and particularly in a relationship.

That's the part that seems very odd to me.

rdos wrote:
I'll give you a few hints why this is likely so for a majority:
1. Being shy and introvert both are strongly correlated to autism and being ND.

Being "shy" and "introvert" can mean many different things. I am shy in some contexts, but not in others. I am "introvert" in the sense of preferring to be in a room by myself during the majority of my waking hours, and in the sense of having a rich inner life. I would expect very few people to be "shy" or "introvert" in the extreme sense of having an aversion to all verbal (vocal or written) communication with all other people all the time.

rdos wrote:
2. Autistic guys have a lot of trouble initiating verbal contact with girls they fancy.

That's certainly true for many autistic guys, but that doesn't necessarily imply that they would continue to be uncomfortable talking to their girlfriends once the relationship is fully formed and on a secure footing.

rdos wrote:
3. Autistics and NDs have trouble talking about (and verbalizing) feelings.

Indeed, about half of all verbal autistic people are alexithymic, according to statistics I've seen. I don't think I have full-blown alexithymia, but I too tend to feel awkward talking about feelings. When doing interpersonal problem-solving, I prefer not to focus on feelings, but instead to focus on needs (including possibly very idiosyncratic needs, not necessarily the "universal human needs" of Nonviolent Communication and similar methodologies), goals, and getting to the bottom of people's differing perceptions.


_________________
- Finally diagnosed with ASD in May 2019, after having suspected it for over ten years, and after having deeply explored the autism community for over one year while waiting for and obtaining diagnosis.
- In longterm relationship with boyfriend who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in 2001.
- Long history of participation in various oddball subcultures.
- My "Getting to know each other" thread: Hello from NYC.


sly279
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13 Aug 2019, 5:48 pm

Roboto wrote:
sly279 wrote:
Roboto wrote:
sly279 wrote:
nick007 wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Work isn't really 'supposed' to help find a girlfriend and friends, but sometimes it can depending on a lot of things. If I went to work hoping to find a girlfriend, I'd be sh*t outta luck. My workplace is all male, and mostly older men.[/color]
Your rite that a job can help some guys find girlfriends however they may not necessarily find a girlfriend at that job. If your job pays a lot &/or is prestigious, you could impress women that you meet outside of work weather offline in various ways or on dating sites or other places online like social media where you mention your job. My problem was the 3 jobs I had were minimum wage type stuff & women tended to consider guys working them losers even if the women themselves had that kinda job. It would of been OK for me to have those jobs in my teens but not when a guy is in his mid 20s & isn't going to skewl for something.


Yes this 100% I’m not even good enough for Women who don’t have jobs and live with their parents


When I'm feeling down on myself I gravitate toward my talents and interests and improve them and boost my own ego and self-confidence in that area.
Do you have, or what are your talents that interest you?
Success with the opposite sex is an abstract endeavor and often highly counter-intuitive. When one places too much focus on that challenge (especially with certain brain types) it's very easy to get in a rut that's impossible to get out of...


I have no talents.


Now's a good time to start one!

I’m not talented. I’m not good any anything and I’ve tried a lot. Just suck and mess things up.


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TRUMP 2020!!


rdos
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14 Aug 2019, 3:09 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
Actually what I've noticed (much to my annoyance) is a lack of effort, by the more verbally-fluent leading members, to structure things so the less verbally-fluent members can more easily get a chance to talk if/when they want to.


As I mentioned previously, you can do this by having more dynamic settings. If you sit in a restaurant, most of the people will sit at one spot all the time, and won't circulate. NTs would typically circulate (mingle), but this simply is not natural for many autistics / NDs, and so we tend to sit where we happened to find a seat. It will be fine in a small group of people, but if you cannot fit around a round table so everybody can participate, chances are you will just sit in silence unless you happen to end up in the company of somebody you already know and like. That's why walking, possibly with some agenda, is a better alternative.

Mona Pereth wrote:
You seem to be fine with writing/typing, though, at least here on Wrong Planet, even though you may dislike using your voice to talk.


That's mainly because ND relationships are my special interest for the moment. If we had talked about something else, I'd likely not answer.

Mona Pereth wrote:
Do you dislike even writing/typing in the context of a relationship?


I prefer to use monologue in that context. I'll write about something I find interesting or share links or messages that other's wrote.

Mona Pereth wrote:
Being "shy" and "introvert" can mean many different things. I am shy in some contexts, but not in others. I am "introvert" in the sense of preferring to be in a room by myself during the majority of my waking hours, and in the sense of having a rich inner life. I would expect very few people to be "shy" or "introvert" in the extreme sense of having an aversion to all verbal (vocal or written) communication with all other people all the time.


Well, I'm fine writing about things I find interesting (and also talking about them), but I don't like to talk just because you should always keep a conversation going. So, it is more that I prefer to be silent unless I have something interesting or important to talk about. When you are in a relationship or know each other very well, then there is seldom a reason to talk a lot, and much of the talking in typical relationships seems to be useless and boring peeking or related to feelings.

Mona Pereth wrote:
Indeed, about half of all verbal autistic people are alexithymic, according to statistics I've seen. I don't think I have full-blown alexithymia, but I too tend to feel awkward talking about feelings. When doing interpersonal problem-solving, I prefer not to focus on feelings, but instead to focus on needs (including possibly very idiosyncratic needs, not necessarily the "universal human needs" of Nonviolent Communication and similar methodologies), goals, and getting to the bottom of people's differing perceptions.


Well, I think it is important to know if my partner is feeling bad or have some issue with something, but I don't want to get to know that through talking and peeking them. I just want to know it. That only works if I have a mind-to-mind connection or if she tells me herself without me needing to peek her.