Turned 31 without a girlfriend. Is it time to give up?

Page 2 of 4 [ 57 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,766
Location: The Vile Belt

14 Aug 2019, 3:34 pm

ltcvnzl wrote:
Marknis wrote:
ltcvnzl wrote:
Marknis wrote:
ltcvnzl wrote:
I don't think you should give up, just maybe rethink your preferences or how are you searching for a girl. Maybe if you widen your horizon, you can find someone who have similar interest in counter-cultures but doesn't look so obviously like that.

I turned 26 a few weeks ago and sometimes I feel very sad I don't have a boyfriend. I only have a boyfriend for a short period a few years ago, but he never loved me. I feel insecure about looking for someone because I'm fat and have an awful personality.


To be clear, I am not looking for a Victoria’s Secret model or a pop singer. I find women from the nerdy, geeky, and “otaku” cultures attractive as well as ones who are into alternative music cultures like punk or Gothic. Unlike a lot of guys, especially in the Bible Belt, I don’t consider large breasts or a ditsy voice requirements. Yes, I want to date someone I find attractive but I would choose a “mousey” woman with a nice personality over a “hot” woman with a bad personality.
I am not compatible with redneck, ghetto, or super religious women.

I have tried things like Meet Up, dating sites, going to music shows (Oddly, I’ve had women at shows tell me they don’t know who is playing!), attending an Unitarian fellowship (What a f*****g letdown!), and entertainment conventions.


I meant it more in a way that maybe someone who won't look nerdy or otaku, but maybe can be interested in this and somehow just don't dress/express it. I don't have much advice to give because dating culture in my country is very different and, well, I suck at it anyway. I also don't want someone who fits in the mainstream culture of my area, but I'm not even looking around anymore because I feel I'm not good enough for that.


It would be easier for me if alcohol wasn’t a requirement for socialization in my area.


It seems to be a world-wide thing :/ Here all social life revolves around alcohol. I don't drink too.


Do you live in Brazil’s equivalent of the Bible Belt? Considering how Jair Bolsonaro got elected (He actually visited Texas earlier this year but went to Dallas instead of Austin), I feel like there is one.



AnonymousAnonymous
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 23 Nov 2006
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 53,200
Location: Portland, Oregon

14 Aug 2019, 4:09 pm

ltcvnzl wrote:
Marknis wrote:
ltcvnzl wrote:
Marknis wrote:
ltcvnzl wrote:
I don't think you should give up, just maybe rethink your preferences or how are you searching for a girl. Maybe if you widen your horizon, you can find someone who have similar interest in counter-cultures but doesn't look so obviously like that.

I turned 26 a few weeks ago and sometimes I feel very sad I don't have a boyfriend. I only have a boyfriend for a short period a few years ago, but he never loved me. I feel insecure about looking for someone because I'm fat and have an awful personality.


To be clear, I am not looking for a Victoria’s Secret model or a pop singer. I find women from the nerdy, geeky, and “otaku” cultures attractive as well as ones who are into alternative music cultures like punk or Gothic. Unlike a lot of guys, especially in the Bible Belt, I don’t consider large breasts or a ditsy voice requirements. Yes, I want to date someone I find attractive but I would choose a “mousey” woman with a nice personality over a “hot” woman with a bad personality.
I am not compatible with redneck, ghetto, or super religious women.

I have tried things like Meet Up, dating sites, going to music shows (Oddly, I’ve had women at shows tell me they don’t know who is playing!), attending an Unitarian fellowship (What a f*****g letdown!), and entertainment conventions.


I meant it more in a way that maybe someone who won't look nerdy or otaku, but maybe can be interested in this and somehow just don't dress/express it. I don't have much advice to give because dating culture in my country is very different and, well, I suck at it anyway. I also don't want someone who fits in the mainstream culture of my area, but I'm not even looking around anymore because I feel I'm not good enough for that.


It would be easier for me if alcohol wasn’t a requirement for socialization in my area.


It seems to be a world-wide thing :/ Here all social life revolves around alcohol. I don't drink too.


Neither do I. I am on three prescriptions, so alcohol would interfere with their functions.

As for you Brother Marknis, what are your interests? Maybe one day you could unexpectedly meet a woman who shares similar interests as you or comes from a similar background as you, Aspie or NT it doesn't matter.

And yes, continue to reject stereotypes people you know expect you to conform to that are associated with the area that you are from. You are your own person.


_________________
Silly NTs, I have Aspergers, and having Aspergers is gr-r-reat!


ltcvnzl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Feb 2017
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,277
Location: brazil

15 Aug 2019, 12:20 am

Quote:
Do you live in Brazil’s equivalent of the Bible Belt? Considering how Jair Bolsonaro got elected (He actually visited Texas earlier this year but went to Dallas instead of Austin), I feel like there is one.


I'm not sure if this USA separation translates well to here. Bolsonaro own in the whole country except for the Northeast, his main advantage was in the South. I live in the Southeast, and despite having some political conservatism and a rise in social conservatism as well, this is definitely one of the areas with most alternative culture.

However, the very specific area I live currently (called the "ABC Paulista", a group of cities in the metropolitan area of São Paulo) was for a long of period one of the most important places for brazilian left – the workers' party was actually founded here, and their first experiences in power was here. There was also a huge punk scene in this area.

I think on overall, Brazil is a very conservative country – even the majority of people who vote left. I also think people here are very unforgiving with awkwardness (I lived in Hungary, and I felt there people were a lot more friendly towards me. Actually, the only boyfriend I had I met there.), even the ones who are in some counter-culture... like they accept your behavior if you fit in their group. There is an unhealthy emphasis on looks, it's like dieting is the main topic for woman to talk about. An intense party and drinking culture, which for "progressive" young people it also included drug use. I feel it's so hard to make friends here, because everyone is so outgoing they just don't care to make an effort for people who are more social awkward or shy.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 28,588
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

15 Aug 2019, 1:51 am

You need a full transformation starting with your looks, otherwise this thread will repeat every year.



AngelRho
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,673
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile

15 Aug 2019, 7:10 am

I disagree with Boo, but you do need a change. I stand behind everything I’ve said to you in the past, and I know if you take that advice you’ll win.

But at the same time I’m not certain you’re actually ready for the kinds of changes you need to make or for what you need to do to maintain a relationship once you’re in one. So rather than rehashing the extensive posts I’ve made before, I think it’s better to say you need to work on yourself. I don’t mean working out, changing your personality, conforming to things you disagree with. I just mean focusing on little, day to day things that make you happy. Hobbies. Art. Music. Even if all you do is draw stick figure comics, focus on making better stick figures than anyone else. Don’t worry about whether anyone else thinks it’s good. If YOU like it, it’s good. And proceed from there to define what’s good in terms of what’s good for you. If trying to date isn’t making you happy, remove that negativity from your life and focus on things you enjoy.

People will often say “work on yourself” meaning you have to change something. I have a problem with changing for ANYONE, or even for the whole world if I’m doing nothing wrong. I’d rather restate that as work on your SELF—improving and expanding what you are ALREADY for personal growth that YOU find gratifying. Work on things that might restrict your freedom, for instance, so that you’re less dependent on someone else (you had a job last time I responded to you, so as long as that hasn’t changed you’re still ahead of the game).

I’ve suggested expanding your horizons in terms of who you’d date. The film Legally Blonde” comes to mind. Ditzy girl sets out to prove she can make it in law if she wants to, ended up learning more about herself in spite of everyone else’s low expectations of her. I’m not telling you to date girls who violate your principles. I’m just suggesting you be open to hidden gems within your immediate culture. But the single most important deciding factor in that is you have to be happy with that. If you’ve made up your mind you can’t possibly be happy with redneck girls, then there’s nothing left to say.

Keep hanging in there. Make a point every day to find something positive that makes you happy. Let the negative crap sort itself out without you. Best wishes!



Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,766
Location: The Vile Belt

15 Aug 2019, 11:26 am

AnonymousAnonymous wrote:
ltcvnzl wrote:
Marknis wrote:
ltcvnzl wrote:
Marknis wrote:
ltcvnzl wrote:
I don't think you should give up, just maybe rethink your preferences or how are you searching for a girl. Maybe if you widen your horizon, you can find someone who have similar interest in counter-cultures but doesn't look so obviously like that.

I turned 26 a few weeks ago and sometimes I feel very sad I don't have a boyfriend. I only have a boyfriend for a short period a few years ago, but he never loved me. I feel insecure about looking for someone because I'm fat and have an awful personality.


To be clear, I am not looking for a Victoria’s Secret model or a pop singer. I find women from the nerdy, geeky, and “otaku” cultures attractive as well as ones who are into alternative music cultures like punk or Gothic. Unlike a lot of guys, especially in the Bible Belt, I don’t consider large breasts or a ditsy voice requirements. Yes, I want to date someone I find attractive but I would choose a “mousey” woman with a nice personality over a “hot” woman with a bad personality.
I am not compatible with redneck, ghetto, or super religious women.

I have tried things like Meet Up, dating sites, going to music shows (Oddly, I’ve had women at shows tell me they don’t know who is playing!), attending an Unitarian fellowship (What a f*****g letdown!), and entertainment conventions.


I meant it more in a way that maybe someone who won't look nerdy or otaku, but maybe can be interested in this and somehow just don't dress/express it. I don't have much advice to give because dating culture in my country is very different and, well, I suck at it anyway. I also don't want someone who fits in the mainstream culture of my area, but I'm not even looking around anymore because I feel I'm not good enough for that.


It would be easier for me if alcohol wasn’t a requirement for socialization in my area.


It seems to be a world-wide thing :/ Here all social life revolves around alcohol. I don't drink too.


Neither do I. I am on three prescriptions, so alcohol would interfere with their functions.

As for you Brother Marknis, what are your interests? Maybe one day you could unexpectedly meet a woman who shares similar interests as you or comes from a similar background as you, Aspie or NT it doesn't matter.

And yes, continue to reject stereotypes people you know expect you to conform to that are associated with the area that you are from. You are your own person.


My “main” interests would be things like alternative music, science fiction novels, Marvel and DC comics (Although I read their older comics more than their current ones), manga, anime, video games (Not just any, though), and paleontology.



Mountain Goat
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 May 2019
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,776
Location: Wales, UK.

15 Aug 2019, 11:41 am

I was about 34 to 36 when I had my first girlfriend. One man I used to work with married in his late 50's to early 60's.


_________________
I do not know if I have asperges/autism or not. Waiting an assessment.


Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,766
Location: The Vile Belt

15 Aug 2019, 11:48 am

ltcvnzl wrote:
Quote:
Do you live in Brazil’s equivalent of the Bible Belt? Considering how Jair Bolsonaro got elected (He actually visited Texas earlier this year but went to Dallas instead of Austin), I feel like there is one.


I'm not sure if this USA separation translates well to here. Bolsonaro own in the whole country except for the Northeast, his main advantage was in the South. I live in the Southeast, and despite having some political conservatism and a rise in social conservatism as well, this is definitely one of the areas with most alternative culture.

However, the very specific area I live currently (called the "ABC Paulista", a group of cities in the metropolitan area of São Paulo) was for a long of period one of the most important places for brazilian left – the workers' party was actually founded here, and their first experiences in power was here. There was also a huge punk scene in this area.

I think on overall, Brazil is a very conservative country – even the majority of people who vote left. I also think people here are very unforgiving with awkwardness (I lived in Hungary, and I felt there people were a lot more friendly towards me. Actually, the only boyfriend I had I met there.), even the ones who are in some counter-culture... like they accept your behavior if you fit in their group. There is an unhealthy emphasis on looks, it's like dieting is the main topic for woman to talk about. An intense party and drinking culture, which for "progressive" young people it also included drug use. I feel it's so hard to make friends here, because everyone is so outgoing they just don't care to make an effort for people who are more social awkward or shy.


That actually sounds a lot like Trump’s America. The South here loves him and even claim he was “sent by God”. :roll: Oddly, the same people I know who love Trump hate New York and think Texas is the best state ever. They also think Brazilians are the same as “Mexicans” as if the entirety of South America is a subset of Mexico.

I’ve heard of Ratos de Parão. Are you a fan of them? Truth be told, though, I only learned about them because João Gordo did guest vocals for a Sepultura song. Otherwise, I don’t think I would’ve heard them since I live in an area that loves pop country or rap depending on the demographic. When it comes to rock music, it’s either “devil music” or old time rock ‘n roll fans or military kids who think Godsmack, Slipknot, and Five Finger Death Punch are “badass”. I call those bands “Fort Hood Metal”.

There is definitely a party culture where I live but it’s very shallow. It’s mostly junior college kids or poor people who can only afford cheap beer, whiskey, cigarettes, weed, and crystal meth. Vomit and urine are a common sight as well as smell where it takes place.



ltcvnzl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Feb 2017
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,277
Location: brazil

15 Aug 2019, 1:14 pm

Marknis wrote:
ltcvnzl wrote:
Quote:
Do you live in Brazil’s equivalent of the Bible Belt? Considering how Jair Bolsonaro got elected (He actually visited Texas earlier this year but went to Dallas instead of Austin), I feel like there is one.


I'm not sure if this USA separation translates well to here. Bolsonaro own in the whole country except for the Northeast, his main advantage was in the South. I live in the Southeast, and despite having some political conservatism and a rise in social conservatism as well, this is definitely one of the areas with most alternative culture.

However, the very specific area I live currently (called the "ABC Paulista", a group of cities in the metropolitan area of São Paulo) was for a long of period one of the most important places for brazilian left – the workers' party was actually founded here, and their first experiences in power was here. There was also a huge punk scene in this area.

I think on overall, Brazil is a very conservative country – even the majority of people who vote left. I also think people here are very unforgiving with awkwardness (I lived in Hungary, and I felt there people were a lot more friendly towards me. Actually, the only boyfriend I had I met there.), even the ones who are in some counter-culture... like they accept your behavior if you fit in their group. There is an unhealthy emphasis on looks, it's like dieting is the main topic for woman to talk about. An intense party and drinking culture, which for "progressive" young people it also included drug use. I feel it's so hard to make friends here, because everyone is so outgoing they just don't care to make an effort for people who are more social awkward or shy.


That actually sounds a lot like Trump’s America. The South here loves him and even claim he was “sent by God”. :roll: Oddly, the same people I know who love Trump hate New York and think Texas is the best state ever. They also think Brazilians are the same as “Mexicans” as if the entirety of South America is a subset of Mexico.

I’ve heard of Ratos de Parão. Are you a fan of them? Truth be told, though, I only learned about them because João Gordo did guest vocals for a Sepultura song. Otherwise, I don’t think I would’ve heard them since I live in an area that loves pop country or rap depending on the demographic. When it comes to rock music, it’s either “devil music” or old time rock ‘n roll fans or military kids who think Godsmack, Slipknot, and Five Finger Death Punch are “badass”. I call those bands “Fort Hood Metal”.

There is definitely a party culture where I live but it’s very shallow. It’s mostly junior college kids or poor people who can only afford cheap beer, whiskey, cigarettes, weed, and crystal meth. Vomit and urine are a common sight as well as smell where it takes place.


I think the main difference here it would be that our "New York"-like city (I'm thinking about São Paulo with important cultural scene, global culture, finances and such) voted for Bolsonaro. There is a lot of contradictions when we try to understand what really meant this conservative turn. People who were traditionally left-wing voted for Bolsonaro, a lot of it came from an anti-politic sentiment, due to people being disappointed with economical crisis and corruption (and there is not saints, but the Worker's Party got more bad reputation for it than it deserved).

Progressist people like to paint the Northeast region as some progressist region, I don't buy into that. They voted massively for the Worker's Party because they were hugely benefited from their government, being the poorest area in the country, the policies for eradicating poverty had a huge impact on their lives. Culturally, I don't think they are better than the rest of the country. OK they probably have less racism and xenophobia issues but that's because they have less whites and migrants too.

I have heard about them, but it's not really a style of music I enjoy. I prefer calmer stuff :D I listen to a lot more of international music than brazilian, sadly. I listen to Belle and Sebastian, Regina Spektor, The Libertines etc. I like some "old" brazilian musicians as Chico Buarque, Belchior, Elis Regina as well.

I've seen an increase of people enjoying rap here as well. I don't like it, but I think this just doesn't speak to me. I think the biggest rhythms here are Funk and Sertanejo – which is similar to country music. Classic Sertanejo isn't that bad, but what we have now is a kind of pop version of it, that is very poor. The songs talk about love and drinking and being betrayed but it all very shallow. There was one of those songs that was played in many places and it was basically "you are very lucky because you're a good kisser because you let me go and know i'll return" and person sings it as it was something very emotional and it's just... dumb. Like very limited vocabulary.

I don't like those sort of parties because it seems so pointless. You can't talk with people, it's noisy, it smells bad, it's full, you don't have control over the music. What's the point? And also it can be dangerous, both because of pickpockets or maybe people fighting over dumb things because they drink so much and don't know how to behave.

I used to live in a small university town (because I studied there) and I would heard people talking about going out and drinking so much they end up not remembering what they did or just felt sick or did something very dumb. I know this is seem like the norm for young people but it just felt like a very sad existence. I'm not a happy person, but I think even if this people don't realize, their lives must be a lot less happy than mine, because if you are happy and healthy you don't need this sort of escapism. I think it's different in the USA, but here I would also hear people saying they kissed like 10 or more people IN ONE NIGHT! That's just so bizarre and pointless.



Lola8088
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 15 Jul 2019
Age: 42
Posts: 23
Location: BC, Canada

15 Aug 2019, 2:24 pm

I don't know how helpful this is, but I grew up around alcohol (and alcohol abuse) too. What I used to do was get a beer that matched the majority of peoples preference. Then I'd either drink it to remind myself why I don't drink, or go to the bathroom and dump it. Then I'd fill it with water. And drink water out of a beer bottle all night. Just keep refilling. You have to be sneaky sneaky to pull it off... but most party type places are full of drunk people who don't pay much attention. This is your camouflage. Then half way through the night, when most people are visibly drunk... look for the guy/gal who didn't belong. I would sing the "one of these things doesn't belong here, one of these things is diiiiif-rent" sesame street song to myself while I was looking. The challenge is fun. And it helps me with my people file inside my brain. There's usually one or two folks who just don't look like they want to be there. Then I'd watch them for a while to see if they are drinking or not or if there are any extenuating circumstances surrounding their appearance in a place they don't want to be. Then if I decided that I wanted to talk to them, but I was too afraid to approach them (which was always) I'd position myself as close to them as possible so that they could see me. Then I'd mirror their actions for about 10-15 minutes through my periphery without looking at them directly or making eye contact and then get up and go somewhere that they can still see me, but as quiet as is possible to the circumstance. 7 times out of 10, they'd come talk to me. I don't really care about looks at all, so that part doesn't matter. I was only really looking to connect with someone like me in a situation that we both didn't really like. If you're there... chances are that others that don't want to be there are there too.

Hope that helps.



Prometheus18
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Aug 2018
Age: 23
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,866

15 Aug 2019, 2:32 pm

It would be reckless and unfair of me to say that this is true in your case, but maybe it IS time to give up. I don't believe that that would NECESSARILY be a bad thing. At least then, you could focus on other, more important things. But you'd need to find something else to take up your time and energy, and not allow yourself to get bitter about your celibacy. But voluntary celibacy is fine.



SharonB
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jul 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 199

15 Aug 2019, 5:00 pm

@Lola8088, super smart!! !! !! !!

If I ever did that it was accidental. Usually I was the person who looked like s/he didn't belong, not the person looking for that person (that was my husband: woman on dance floor, who "orders" water: "helllllloooo!" Not looking for a partner, ok, I'll call your sister (whom I work) with for a month until the opportunity comes to ask you out). I still contend it's not that ASDs are clueless, some are simply guileless or unassuming.



StayFrosty
Raven
Raven

Joined: 10 Jun 2019
Age: 1931
Posts: 121
Location: California, United States

15 Aug 2019, 5:38 pm

I'm 31 and never had a girlfriend. I've failed at love.



that1weirdgrrrl
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 19 Jul 2017
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 291
Location: Between my dreams and your fantasies

16 Aug 2019, 10:57 pm

Lola8088 wrote:
I don't know how helpful this is, but I grew up around alcohol (and alcohol abuse) too. What I used to do was get a beer that matched the majority of peoples preference. Then I'd either drink it to remind myself why I don't drink, or go to the bathroom and dump it. Then I'd fill it with water. And drink water out of a beer bottle all night. Just keep refilling. You have to be sneaky sneaky to pull it off... but most party type places are full of drunk people who don't pay much attention. This is your camouflage. Then half way through the night, when most people are visibly drunk... look for the guy/gal who didn't belong. I would sing the "one of these things doesn't belong here, one of these things is diiiiif-rent" sesame street song to myself while I was looking. The challenge is fun. And it helps me with my people file inside my brain. There's usually one or two folks who just don't look like they want to be there. Then I'd watch them for a while to see if they are drinking or not or if there are any extenuating circumstances surrounding their appearance in a place they don't want to be. Then if I decided that I wanted to talk to them, but I was too afraid to approach them (which was always) I'd position myself as close to them as possible so that they could see me. Then I'd mirror their actions for about 10-15 minutes through my periphery without looking at them directly or making eye contact and then get up and go somewhere that they can still see me, but as quiet as is possible to the circumstance. 7 times out of 10, they'd come talk to me. I don't really care about looks at all, so that part doesn't matter. I was only really looking to connect with someone like me in a situation that we both didn't really like. If you're there... chances are that others that don't want to be there are there too.

Hope that helps.


This is brilliant.

I'd probably go a little farther and say hi to the person while sitting next to them. But then I'm kinda audacious.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 28,588
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

17 Aug 2019, 3:18 am

Lola8088 wrote:
I don't know how helpful this is, but I grew up around alcohol (and alcohol abuse) too. What I used to do was get a beer that matched the majority of peoples preference. Then I'd either drink it to remind myself why I don't drink, or go to the bathroom and dump it. Then I'd fill it with water. And drink water out of a beer bottle all night. Just keep refilling. You have to be sneaky sneaky to pull it off... but most party type places are full of drunk people who don't pay much attention. This is your camouflage. Then half way through the night, when most people are visibly drunk... look for the guy/gal who didn't belong. I would sing the "one of these things doesn't belong here, one of these things is diiiiif-rent" sesame street song to myself while I was looking. The challenge is fun. And it helps me with my people file inside my brain. There's usually one or two folks who just don't look like they want to be there. Then I'd watch them for a while to see if they are drinking or not or if there are any extenuating circumstances surrounding their appearance in a place they don't want to be. Then if I decided that I wanted to talk to them, but I was too afraid to approach them (which was always) I'd position myself as close to them as possible so that they could see me. Then I'd mirror their actions for about 10-15 minutes through my periphery without looking at them directly or making eye contact and then get up and go somewhere that they can still see me, but as quiet as is possible to the circumstance. 7 times out of 10, they'd come talk to me. I don't really care about looks at all, so that part doesn't matter. I was only really looking to connect with someone like me in a situation that we both didn't really like. If you're there... chances are that others that don't want to be there are there too.

Hope that helps.



I don’t buy it that looks don’t matter at all for a sexual relationship, I cringe every time someone says “looks doesn’t matter” because life taught that those who claim that aren’t being very honest with themselves.

Your tactic there is pure PUA material.