A suggestion for some (not all) heterosexual autistic men

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You can think of it as "settling," or you can think of it has finding someone relatively likely to be a kindred soul.

I personally just don't relate to most "normal" people on a more than superficial level, nor would I expect most "normal" people to be able to relate to me on a more than superficial level. I suppose this is "settling" if a person has always striven to fit in with mainstream society, which I never saw as an option, and I've always been repulsed by a lot of mainstream social norms anyway.

Be that as it may, you seem to think that "certain men and women" shouldn't be seeking a relationship in the first place. That I don't agree with, although I do agree that a relationship involving depressed people can be challenging. It can work well only if both partners are aware of the challenges and committed to finding solutions to make it work.

I don't know how even you pulled that that out of what I said.

Here, you wrote:

I thought you thought I was referring to ASD ppl. I do emphatically say, depressed ppl should not be seeking relationships until they are emotionally healthy . Boy do I know the problems with this too well.

Maybe this depends on how one's depression manifests itself? Maybe some depressed people can manage to have an okay relationship and others can't?

For example, if one's depression manifests in the form of extreme irritability, grudge-holding, and a pattern of idealization followed by devaluation, that would make it a lot harder to have a decent relationship than if one's depression just manifests as alternating sadness and numbness. Even the latter could make a relationship difficult, it seems to me, but not nearly as bad as the former, and perhaps it might be manageable for some.

I'm in a relationship with a fellow aspie girl for almost five years. We understand each other's lack of social skills, obsessive interests and so on. However, whereas I hate unnecessary drama, she enjoys it. This has nearly ended the relationship twice. The relationship does work most of the time, though (just like Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne's relationship). The memories, the good times, the sex, and so on makes up for it.

I have dated a BPD girl before. I will never do that again. I have also dated a girl with ADHD, but that was not an issue by itself. Be careful about thinking someone with their own baggage will be understanding and compassionate about your AS.

So how exactly does that work if an inability to get a relationship is the cause of the depression in the first place?

Please do walk me through the steps you'd recommend a person in this position to take.

You sound a bit snarky there dude.

How do people get over depression due to the death of a loved one or complex trauma etc (Some people can and do and it's not by raising the dead or going back in time and stopping the trauma happening )

A good start is accepting what is out of your personal control, and commit to action that improves and enriches your life.

Well you would never tell someone who's depressed about being poor that they shouldn't have money until they work through that, or someone who's depressed about being unemployed that they should stop being depressed about being unemployed before they look for a job, or someone who's depressed about having no friends that they should just stop being depressed about having no friends before they go out and try to make friends, but when it comes to being depressed about not being able to get a relationship, apparently it's fair game to tell them that they shouldn't look for a relationship until they're no longer depressed about it. The double standards get irritating.


The closest I've experienced to what you've listed here is losing my cat, so that's all I can speak to. This isn't really a comparison I'd make, but you've made it so I'm just going to run with it.

When my cat died, there was a grieving period as would be expected, and I still miss him, but time helps with healing wounds, and I understand that death is an inevitability. To some extent, you just have to move on. Now, if my cat had run off and I'd never seen him again, and never knew what happened to him, that would be worse. I wouldn't have gotten closure.

The point I'm making is not that being alone is worse than losing a loved one, but that at the very least, there is closure in death. There is no closure when you've never had a relationship despite wanting one, and you don't know if you ever will have one. I wish I knew what the future holds, because if I knew I had a good relationship coming up in the next couple of years, I'd be more at ease about my current situation, and if I knew that I was never going to get a relationship, there'd also be some closure in that, and I'd be able to deal with that how I saw fit (spoiler: I wouldnt live much longer). The not knowing whether life will ever be worth it or not is among the worst parts of this ordeal.


Well like I said, I don't see that life will ever be worth living if I'm never to get a relationship, so the action I'm taking currently is towards improving my prospects of doing so. I'm focusing on losing weight, so Ive reformed my diet and I've lost 18 pounds since July.

That’s excellent, Inquisitor!

Of course, there's certainly no guarantee that a depressed allistic person will be understanding and compassionate towards autistic people. Any such relationship needs to be approached cautiously. Again, if one attends a depression support group, I would recommend making a bunch of friends at after-meeting dinners (while also, of course, focusing as much as possible on learning whatever personally helpful information one can at the support group meetings themselves) before asking anyone for a date. And, as you get to know people, watch carefully how their depression manifests.

Mona I dont understand how that is seen as settling.
Why is it ok that people with depression are viewed in this way... Dont understand the level of bias in this thread.

I'm likely to always have depression, under this degrading view of 'settling' I shouldn't be in a relationship.

The impact of circumstances beyond my control should determine my destiny for life....?

I should believe this stuff about being settled for by my SO because I'm depressed and I am wierd? Not buying that.

Also to add that I understood your original idea, I think the general response is a case of throwing the baby out with the bathwater.... Missing the overall message and focussing only on the flaw.

Looks like I can't quote and post

@TGI

The point I was trying to make is you don't generally fix depression by fixing the thing you are depressed about , depression is usually fixed by changing your attitude about the thing you are depressed about.


I'm not saying if you are depressed don't look for a romantic partner , never did , I just thought Mona's idea was a bad idea.

BTW Congratulations on the weight loss

I think it really depends on what you're depressed about. If I was depressed about being fat, for instance (and that does account for part of my depression), would it be more effective to change my attitude about being fat, or change my weight? To me, the answer is clearly the second one, because losing the weight will have a positive effect on my attitude in and of itself, and it'll be a stronger change than I could ever achieve if I tried to change my attitude without changing anything else.

I think there's a difference in approach between things that cannot change, and things that can change but you are not having success changing them. For things that cannot change, like deaths of loved ones and things that happened in the past, you really don't have much choice but to come to terms with the past and move on, because the past can't be changed.

But for things like finding a romantic partner and losing weight, I think a results-oriented mindset is more effective. Being single forever is not something I'd ever be able to make peace with, no matter how you slice and dice it, and things don't seem like they're going to change of their own accord, so the only logical option remaining is to work towards improving my romantic prospects by making myself more appealing and hope that'll be enough. If that doesn't work, I'm really screwed, but I've got to give it a chance.

SaveFerris wrote:

I'm not saying if you are depressed don't look for a romantic partner , never did , I just thought Mona's idea was a bad idea.

Well the person I was responding to said exactly that, and you mentioned that my comment seemed snarky, so I was just explaining where the snark was coming from. I never attributed that sentiment to you, because you never said it.

I agree that Mona's idea may not be the best, but I appreciate that she's taking the time to think about solutions for the lonelier guys on this forum.

SaveFerris wrote:

BTW Congratulations on the weight loss

kraftiekortie wrote:

That’s excellent, Inquisitor!

Thanks guys. I still have about 90 pounds to go before I reach my goal weight range, so I'm relatively early into the weight loss journey, but I've been able to get out of my bad eating habits. At the moment, I'm not allowing myself to have fast food, junk food, dessert food and sugary drinks unless it's my birthday or Christmas, and giving all that up month by month has been what's taken the weight off thus far.

Even when I've lost the weight, I'll allow myself those aforementioned foods and drinks a bit more often than I currently am, but still only on special occasions.

stupid captcha

@TGI

Obviously I'm not a Dr , I have no training in psychology , I only have my life experiences and reading to go on.

We have different views on what we think might help.

I think getting a girlfriend for you will solve your symptoms but not the problem - which you think is because you are single but it seems to me it's how you feel about being single and all the other baggage that goes with that.

I am talking about actual depression here , not just sad or unhappy. You ideally need professional treatment for depression , no one here is going to fix your problems.

I sort of agreed with red_doghubb but it's impractical in the real world , obviously I would not like to enter a relationship if I was a moody twat all the time due to depression , I'd try and fix that first so it would be fairer on the partner.


Sorry dude but you are putting too much emphasis on a relationship IMO. I would hazard a guess that if you were to be happy with the fact that you are single and love yourself , you would stand a chance of being approached by a potential partner. I only say this as it happened to me , I just gave up on women altogether because I didn't have the skills to trap one you give off a different vibe then which women notice.

I think a relationship actually can cure depression. To train yourself to be content with being single is not something that works for everyone. It's pretty apparent to me that having a love interest is enough for me not to feel lonely and it also gives me happiness. Happiness that I cannot create myself by convincing myself that I'm fine with being alone and single.