Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

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DW_a_mom
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22 Sep 2019, 11:08 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
People never pair up based on interests, this is a common cliché myth.


To say "never" would be highly inaccurate. My son and his GF originally connected over shared interests. It is a big piece of what drew them together (first as friends, eventually dating).


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23 Sep 2019, 3:12 am

There was a point where I was about the same age and not in an actively relationship, and for many of the same reasons (I'd focused on education and then on work).

I took some time off, traveled, lived for a while in different places, and signed myself up for a bunch of courses and workshops which were completely counter to my normal interests. I focused heavily on art and manual skills - drawing, music, cooking, pop psychology, various physical exercise stuff, that kind of thing - deliberately, in order to get some kind of variety in my background and areas of knowledge, and maybe a couple of anecdotes which didn't relate to STEM studies or the boring low-level government work I was doing. On top of that, I went to various local events and activities I wouldn't normally have gone to, and talked to people randomly.

Effectively, attempting to make myself a more broadly interesting person, or at least someone who seemed to be one at first blush. If nothing else, at least I had a few more topics I could make small-talk about.

Now, sure, doing all that didn't necessarily lead directly to relationship success. It's not like I finished the courses, got a pile of cheap certificates, and woke up to a line of ladies outside my front door. But it wasn't too long after that before I was fairly definitely not single.

I'm not going to say it'll 100% work for everyone, but there's something to be said for using the downtime before (or between) relationships to, not to put too fine a point on it, put a bit of polish on what's on offer. You don't have any problems impressing on the educational/intelligence or employment front, so maybe add a sprinkling of classic well-roundedness to the existing depth of important stuff. If nothing else, if people ask what you were doing for the last ten years, you can say "studying, focusing on career, volunteering at the dog shelter, learning guitar... bit of everything, really."



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24 Sep 2019, 1:57 am

I don't believe you have anything to be ashamed about. You chose to focus on your education and as it sounds that you're very intelligent, it was undoubtedly the best thing for you to do for you and your future.

From what I've seen its not that unusual for social milestones - such as dating to be delayed with those of us on the spectrum. So once we do decide to pursue things like relationships it can take more time before a success can be landed. You're starting a bit later than most of the masses, so try to have some patience.

Japan right now is leading the world with more people being virgins into their later years (20's-30's). Obviously that's Japan and not here but it shows that you're not the only one on Earth :wink: and that there may be changes in attitudes upon the horizon.

Frankly in my opinion I find the idea that if you're not having sex by certain ages. Or in the case more specifically with men, that you're not having frequent sex; is a very base thought process. There is some argument for wanting to have a partner that knows what they're doing and won't require teaching, but that won't be everyone.

Personally as a 32 year old female, I wouldn't have a problem with a man I was interested in being a virgin. Possibly there could be a reason that lead to him being a virgin that might send me out the door but your case is plenty reasonable. Then for the experience part; I don't particularly see much reason to demand that of a partner when I am not all that experienced either.

Who are these people making comments about you/people like you in your situation? Are they important? Did someone ask their opinion? What right do they have to make the judgement that you're weird for being a virgin nearly at 30 when they don't know your life story? Why is it any of their bloody business of what anyone does with their life and body?!

Aside form the singleness and being virginal is there something else that makes you think you're undatable and unattractive to women?


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goldenstardust
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02 Oct 2019, 5:09 pm

First of all Happy Birthday and lots of hugs of support!
and now business.. . :lol:

1. You are still young. Others your age are also single for any and every group. The fact is that people this day and age
do not get into serious relationships until way late in life comparing to old days. So now most people that marry, they marry around late 30s or 40's.

2. Having said that, you can take the whole pool of young people and divide them in pretty much two groups. Those that date like the world is on fire feeling they have to date or there is something wrong with them, and the other group that takes it easy and does not date for the sake of dating but is looking and waiting for a meaningful relationship with someone who is a good person.

3. When you look at the dating/relationship landscape at 40 you see bunch of people who are either after so many relationships that they have lost it completely, they don't know weather they are "coming or going". They don't know if the dating is about relationship or the next best thing that they are missing out on so they have major commitment issues. Then you have those who were in a long relationship from early on but could not commit because they as the above felt something better might come around and now they are just burned out and left out hang to dry by the long term partner who wanted a commitment...
Then you have those who never dated because as young people they had no dating skills as such and also were too anxious and too frustrated as many young people are. With age my friend, comes certain amount of experience and
certain amount of "not giving a poop" about little things and so it is easier also to find and get along with someone because everyone is smarter and wiser and does not care about little things and let go of some anxieties and worries and just is more open to failure without risking nothing. That is what makes that group at that late age very
marketable because they are not spoiled by past experiences, not worned out, not burned out, and plenty ready and willing to make it work when someone as willing and as ready comes about.

4. So, rest assure that at any point in life, whoever you are, whatever you think, there is whole bunch of people just like you who are going through exactly the same thing!

5. Now, the little tricky part is to bump into that other person who is just like. That tricky part is the only think you need to work on because as a person you sound wonderful and totally datable. You have great education, you have your priorities straight and trust me, there are tons of people out there that would love to date you knowing where to find you.

6. So, what is the most important part, which is also the most obvious but most overlooked is that you just need to make yourself more visible. Think of yourself a little bit -and please forgive me for that- in terms of marketing strategy. If you wanted to go and buy something or eat somewhere, how do you find that place or service?..
Obviously you will find first those that are out there, not those who are hiding in places?

7. Think and strategize. Where you can get most exposure to like-minded people and a lot of them as the more people you meet, the greater chances you meet that wonderful person just for you and vice versa.

8. At this point in your life avoid staying at home at all cost. For this reason or another lost of people who are at this point in life alone, they somehow choose to shoot themselves in the foot by staying at home, with bowl of pop corn watching reruns of old tv shows, binge watch new series or play video games on end.. and while doing all this wondering at the same, what's wrong with them and the world that they are so alone and lonely? Get the gist?
This is just something that is not working in their favor. So get out there, be out there. Whatever out there means.

9. Actively seek opportunities for meeting people. Focus on the interest groups that fit your own. Clearly you have a brilliant mind focus on STEM, so dig into all conferences, meetups and all opportunities for your profession and your interests, this is where gold is!

10. In addition to this, do ask people about online dating services that focus on people who are looking for long time relationships, not short time dating and there are plenty of those in every flavor. The thing is that at one point
people became very specific, and to bump into another specific person in real life when everyone is sitting at home eating pop corn, watching Netflix or playing video game and sobbing over being alone, it is just hard to find eachother.

11. So, some online services might give you a good exposure and greater chance to meet someone. My personal "once removed" is few friends who found not only great friendship and love of like minded people but also now have happy families with kids and all is going great. Back then they met on eharmony that was the only service out there but now I am sure there are millions like them.

12. My closing statement is - you are wonderful person, you have lots of assets and there is a person out there who is just dying to meet you and who is just like you wonderful person with lots of things to love about them waiting to be discovered. However just as with the stars.. meteors and other celestial bodies, you have a greater chance to bump into someone when you are on the move then when you are hiding in the darkest corners of the universe :lol:

Get yourself some good self help dating books and or search for tips how to and get busy! Like with anything in life, your results are the effect of the amount of work you have put in. So, if you want to get great results, roll up your sleeve and start self-promoting. See what does it mean, make a list of things you need to do and follow through.
Update your wardrobe, get a new fashionable haircut, learn few new attitude poses :lol: and find few good conversation topics and off you go!

Good luck with your goal! I hope you will find someone soon and be happy forever!
:heart:



Raphael F
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04 Oct 2019, 4:37 am

Leon_Trotsky wrote:

So here I am at age 29 and 11 months old, still without a girlfriend and still a virgin. I feel very depressed and enormous shame for how I am. I feel depressed as well for feeling missing out on love and sex like most males my age.

My general impression was that both American and British women would find me totally undateable, unattractive and a weird freak due to being single and a virgin at almost 30. I hope my fears are not true though.



I only wish I could be a female and say what I'm about to say, namely, your fears are not true.

Or at least (speaking as a male) they are not 100% true. Maybe some women would have reservations about dating a guy with no experience of being in a relationship, but it wouldn't be the sexual aspect of that inexperience which was bothering them.

Women have never been queueing up to date me, but my being a weird freak seems to be pretty much the U.S.P. that attracts the ones who are attracted to me. You sound like you have a lot going for you (you certainly sound a better catch than me!).

Most women will tell you most men are incompetent in bed. When I eventually found a woman who wanted to go to bed with me (female was the only gender I thought I was interested in, back then), she laughed at me not for being a virgin but for assuming it mattered. Furthermore, she was delighted to be able to train me up as a total novice, to meet her specific requirements and preferences (that makes her sound kinky, but she wasn't: she just knew what worked for her). If she were here now, she would be telling you your fears are not true, and it would be more convincing because she was female.

I vividly recall the shame and depression you describe. They prompted a suicide attempt, in my own case. And then that very same shame prevented me from confessing my reasons for attempting suicide, so of course the several years of psychiatric intervention that ensued were fundamentally misdirected, like fighting the wrong fire: no attempt was made to address my social isolation and subterranean self-esteem, and no opportunity was taken to diagnose the Asperger's that was the cause of those things (they just dispensed antidepressants, which were ineffective). So, do try to make sure the shame and depression don't get out of hand to that sort of extent!

Lots of NTs are stuck in unsatisfying, unfulfilling relationships and feeling alone. That doesn't ameliorate the vexation of being a virgin, but your position relative to theirs is less grim than you maybe assume.

I don't believe there is someone out there for everyone, but it's more likely than not that there is someone out there for you. Some women take a few years to realize they hitched up with the wrong guy, and then they approach dating with eyes a bit wider open: so, for instance, such a woman might consider you now, when she maybe wouldn't have before. A woman of your age will no longer be a dizzy schoolgirl (if she ever was, that is), just as a guy your age is no longer the callow youth he once was: you know yourself better by the time you reach your 30s, so a woman your age may now have a different idea of what's important to her, and you may have what she didn't know she was looking for ten years ago.


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Raphael F
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04 Oct 2019, 4:48 am

p.s. Just occurred to me: in my early 30s I had a girlfriend six years older than my mother (in which case, maybe we'd better say she was a lady-friend, rather than use the term "girlfriend"...). I was not a virgin by then, but if I had been, it wouldn't have mattered. She was pansexual and independent-minded and whatever it was that attracted her, the extent of my previous experience/inexperience was utterly irrelevant in that chemistry.


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08 Oct 2019, 9:37 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
People never pair up based on interests, this is a common cliché myth.


Boo said that because somebody he had common interests with didn't like him back. :lol:



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08 Oct 2019, 9:40 am

DW_a_mom wrote:
I am intentionally answering without reading any other comments. I think you sound like a smart and capable young man who a woman would be lucky to be with. While I am well aware that being a virgin at your age is seen as weird, I also don't think it's an obstacle that cannot be overcome. The trick is what you project and how you address the situation.

What not to do:
Complain about it. Woman don't like to date men who drag them down.
Blame the situation on women, your ASD, or factors outside of your control (even if all of that is true).

What to do:
Approach it head on in a positive way.
Own the choices that made dating difficult and lead to your situation: "For years I prioritized my education and career over relationships and I am very proud of what I have accomplished. However, that choice has made entering the world of relationships difficult. I'm behind where other men my age are at in many different ways, but I am also starting the process from a more secure place in my life. If you are interested in me, we have an opportunity to embark on a unique journey together. I can understand it won't be everyone's cup of tea, but if you are open to the idea I think we can be really good together. Be assured it was never lack of interest in women or a lack of a sex drive; I just was more focused on other things that I am now reaping the benefits of."

Spend some time allowing yourself to mentally reset so that you are ready to spin this as a good thing. For the right woman, it will be. Remember that it really does not matter at all what most people think. It will only matter what the one woman who would be a good match for you thinks. You only need the one in a hundred. The rest would not have made you happy anyway.


YOU ARE THE BEST!! ! How do you do this?! ! :D :heart: I'm humbled by your wisdom and have a lot to learn from you.



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10 Oct 2019, 8:38 am

You have some advanced degrees so I'm wondering if you have a job where you make good money. If you do you could try using that to try & impress women. Maybe the mail-order bride route would work if you have the money & resources. I would of went that route if I could of cuz women here in the US almost always had zero romantic interest in me. Or you could try taking in a woman who needs a place to stay. I would of done that if I had my own place. I knew a couple on another forum where the guy took the girl in & she fell in love with him after a bit.


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Leon_Trotsky
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27 Oct 2019, 3:36 am

Alterity wrote:
I don't believe you have anything to be ashamed about. You chose to focus on your education and as it sounds that you're very intelligent, it was undoubtedly the best thing for you to do for you and your future.

From what I've seen its not that unusual for social milestones - such as dating to be delayed with those of us on the spectrum. So once we do decide to pursue things like relationships it can take more time before a success can be landed. You're starting a bit later than most of the masses, so try to have some patience.

Japan right now is leading the world with more people being virgins into their later years (20's-30's). Obviously that's Japan and not here but it shows that you're not the only one on Earth :wink: and that there may be changes in attitudes upon the horizon.

Frankly in my opinion I find the idea that if you're not having sex by certain ages. Or in the case more specifically with men, that you're not having frequent sex; is a very base thought process. There is some argument for wanting to have a partner that knows what they're doing and won't require teaching, but that won't be everyone.

Personally as a 32 year old female, I wouldn't have a problem with a man I was interested in being a virgin. Possibly there could be a reason that lead to him being a virgin that might send me out the door but your case is plenty reasonable. Then for the experience part; I don't particularly see much reason to demand that of a partner when I am not all that experienced either.

Who are these people making comments about you/people like you in your situation? Are they important? Did someone ask their opinion? What right do they have to make the judgement that you're weird for being a virgin nearly at 30 when they don't know your life story? Why is it any of their bloody business of what anyone does with their life and body?!

Aside form the singleness and being virginal is there something else that makes you think you're undatable and unattractive to women?


I turned 30 on Thursday. Still a virgin. A bit of anxiety before the last minutes of age 29, but I made it here. Not as anxious, and now I accept the situation as it is.

Whilst it is true that Japan lead the world in terms of older virgins, and that I have seen statistics that almost 50% of all males are virgins past age 30, and close to the same for women, the reactions that these older virgins have, such as buying robot dolls to have sex with instead of actually trying to date in person, makes me think that these older virgins are starting to suffer from serious mental illness such as a personality detachment disorder. I saw various documentaries about Japanese women who "marry themselves", plus Japanese men who are virgins in their 30s who buy robot woman dolls, wheel them around in wheelchairs on dinner dates to restaurants, and then of course take them back home and have sex with them. I admire Japan's openness about older virginity, but I certainly do not want to end up being so desperate that I feel like I have to buy a robot woman doll to be my girlfriend.

I think that you made a good point about in male society, i.e. male friends and male acquaintances circles, men are basically judged by not only their sexual prowess, but more importantly, the actual number of their sexual encounters. Perhaps women do not hear this so often in female friend circles, but in male friend circles, your mates often will brag about having sex with 100+ women or some ridiculous number, only to be lauded by his male colleagues. The amount of peer pressure and peer shaming will show up in one form or another. Eventually when in the group they get to you and ask about you sex life, and you be honest telling them "zero", you can guarantee a verbal lashing on their part. In male circles, you will hear names like "virgin loser", "beta male" and all sorts of insults. I cannot comment on how female virgins feel since I personally would never know, but as a male, carrying this virginity problem is like a giant cross on your shoulder. It is something so deep and painfully embarassing that you feel like you cannot reveal this to anyone, lest you be a glutton for punishment when your male colleagues will verbally berate you for the rest of your life.

To give a bit of an example, my family think similar to these males--virgin = loser. Years ago when I was just a boy, I had a cousin who was in his 20s. He had AIDS, and suddenly he died in his late 20s. I attended his funeral, not really knowing what happened and what that disease was. But it was clear that he got AIDS from sex. I remember something that I still remember now: a conversation amongst extended family. One said, "It is so sad that he died so young of this." Another relative retorted, "It is. But at least he was not a virgin."

Just two months ago I was on a date with a woman. Just conversing about how we coincidentally went to the same university in northern England, she suddenly changed the topic. She started saying how she misses Boots (the chemist in the UK) because she got good birth control options when she was there. Condoms, pill, whatever. I was shocked and almost spit out my wine when she started talking about this. Then she asked me about if I ever used Boots for birth control. I said no. She asked why not. I said that I did not really need it since I did not need it in my personal life. After a few back and forth of prodding and poking I eventually was cornered and had to admit to being a virgin at 29. As I cannot read body language properly, I can only guess. But she looked disappointed and just said, "Oh." In my eyes, she had the facial expression of what reminded me of a schoolteacher who saw one of their students fail an exam over and over after giving him/her multiple chances to pass.

So in that respect, to sum up, the people who make these comments are usually from:

1) male friends/male acquaintances
2) extended family on both sides of my family
3) women who ask me during dates
4) women who ask me at meetups if I converse with them long enough and the conversation somehow veers in that direction

There is only one person close to me who accepts my situation without judgement--that would be my mother. My father is somewhat accepting despite making some negative comments about how I am always single/virgin this long. When she was alive, my grandmother thought that it was good that I was a virgin since I was STI-free and had no unwanted children, plus had the time to keep studying hard in uni.

Aside from virginity/single issue, in terms of other issues that I think that hinder my "dateability" (if that it is even a word), probably would include ASD, social anxiety, generalised anxiety, social awkwardness and perhaps very strange fashion choices. I do have old-fashioned looks, i.e. right now I have 1960s aviator glasses, shoulder-length hair plus retro clothes like plad-grey blazer jackets. Between ages 17-25 I had circular John Lennon glasses and basically copied all of John Lennon's fashion choices, especially the way John Lennon was between ca. 1968 and 1972. If you remember the "hair peace, bed peace" pictures of John Lennon, that was basically my look.

Perhaps also my interests are very different than most other guys. Perhaps also I am hanging out with too many extroverted, neurotypical people. But that it is call I can do here--look for meetups on meetup.com, or Couchsurfing or whatever. And people in San Francisco, where I live, are highly judgemental no matter what. In any case, since I attend these meetups, close to 100% of all women whom I meet are extroverted, gregarious, talkative, heavy party-goers, neurotypical, judgemental on sex/virginity/relationships, not interested in any of my hobbies, etc.



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29 Oct 2019, 8:14 pm

A bunch of worthless advice has been offered here that changes nothing.
I suggest you ignore the advice because it will only make you more frustrated.
Plenty of people at 30 are stuck in dead end marriages or now getting divorced.
You have education, career and money in the bank.



Leon_Trotsky
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30 Oct 2019, 1:54 pm

I remember how some guys told me to subscribe to the advice of a "wing girl" who gave small amounts of advice but runs a programme of $99 per month for date coaching.

I still have her subscribed on my e-mail, but the advice sounds very strange. Definitely aimed for neurotypicals. The last e-mail I have is titled something like "Using dark wizardry to attract women" and another one before that is titled "How to bio-hack your dating life". I am not sure if I would ever understand these "techniques".



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30 Oct 2019, 5:47 pm

Sounds like a scam

I use to get emails from this guy who said he’d solve all ones dating troubles. One of those who travels giving seminars and sells books etc. I always ignored them.

Nothing besides a good job and car will solve my dating problems. I don’t think his advice would have helped anyone though.


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Leon_Trotsky
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31 Oct 2019, 5:28 pm

One week into my 30s, I have done some introspection.

So I am now 30 years (and one week) old and still single/virgin. But since my mother knew just a few months ago that she had Asperger's, and then knowing that I had it as well, I wonder if this is handicapping me in social interactions. Very recently I started reading about this, and it seems like many older male virgins (and perhaps older female virgins?) are single/virgin that long usually because of some sort of ASD.

I am now back home from my holiday. Just this Saturday I attended my regular meetup. But this time it was a Halloween special fancy dress party, although fancy dress was not mandatory. Maybe because on my trip I did not socialise very much but mostly kept to myself, I felt very awkward during this meetup.

I seemed to have given off an stern, reprimanding vibe, because it seemed like many people, especially the women, seemed a bit put off by my tone. But I really do not notice it. I do know that I do not know when people cannot hear me, unless they tell me. Then I speak much louder. But then they say that I am shouting. And I am brutally honest, am one of those "tell it like it is" people. For many reasons, here in San Francisco people do not like brutal honesty. But I cannot help it, that is just how I talk. I noticed though that way more people tried to avoid me, even excusing themselves to go to the opposite side of the room when I tried to join in a group to talk.

There was one moment where this woman introduced herself to me after having stared at me with a strange look for more than twenty times throughout the meetup. We talked for a while, and she wondered why I had two books sticking out of my jacket pockets. I said that those were language textbooks that I read on the way to the meetup, since public transit is painfully slow here. She asked about my languages, and was impressed when I explained my foreign languages that I knew. The conversation seemed to somewhat flow, at least.

However, soon the DJ arrived and loud, blasting music was playing in the venue. The dance floor opened up, and the music was as loud as if I were on the tarmac of an aeroport waiting to board my plane and heard the engines running. Eventually everyone started dancing, including her. I just stood there, as stiff as the Rock of Gibraltar, with people dancing all round me. She then asked me, "What is wrong? Why are you not dancing?", and I just froze. I had a very bad flashback to when I was around 12 years old and at a school dance for students in the last year of my primary school. At that time, the same thing happened-a girl asked me to dance and I froze like a rock. Almost my entire class looked at me, and some male pupils tried to teach me in real time how to slow-dance with the girl. But I could not do it, inviting more embarrassment and ridicule. All of this returned to my memory when the woman asked me to dance during this meetup. I just stood there for over a minute. Then the woman seemed to feel pity for me, and said, "Please, just try to dance." I said, "No, I cannot do this." She said, Just try. Just try. It is not hard. Just give it a try." Again, I froze like a rock. I just stood there for five minutes in my own world, stiff and not moving with everyone dancing round me on the dance floor. Eventually, feeling completely out of place, I quietly left the dance floor and exited the door of the meetup venue. I felt the incident that happened when I was 12 repeating itself just two days after my 30th birthday.

It is during times like these that I feel completely lost in how to remedy my social awkwardness. It certainly is destroying my dating life (or whatever even existed of it).



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31 Oct 2019, 6:16 pm

I know this is after the fact, but maybe for future events.....

When I know I am going somewhere that might get loud but I still want to go, I carry ear plugs in my pocket.

When the noise starts, excuse yourself to the restroom, and put in the ear plugs.

You can get clear silicone ear plugs, or skin tone foam ear plugs, most NT will never notice.

And if it's loud, they have to speak loud over the background noise, so you can still hear them.

Best of luck



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31 Oct 2019, 8:16 pm

Leon_Trotsky wrote:
One week into my 30s, I have done some introspection.

So I am now 30 years (and one week) old and still single/virgin. But since my mother knew just a few months ago that she had Asperger's, and then knowing that I had it as well, I wonder if this is handicapping me in social interactions. Very recently I started reading about this, and it seems like many older male virgins (and perhaps older female virgins?) are single/virgin that long usually because of some sort of ASD.

Then the woman seemed to feel pity for me, and said, "Please, just try to dance." I said, "No, I cannot do this." She said, Just try. Just try. It is not hard. Just give it a try." Again, I froze like a rock. I just stood there for five minutes in my own world, stiff and not moving with everyone dancing round me on the dance floor. Eventually, feeling completely out of place, I quietly left the dance floor and exited the door of the meetup venue. I felt the incident that happened when I was 12 repeating itself just two days after my 30th birthday.

It is during times like these that I feel completely lost in how to remedy my social awkwardness. It certainly is destroying my dating life (or whatever even existed of it).



You are a victim and sufferer of Aspergers. You can not magically become a confident extrovert. As a male you are expected to approach females. The male is expected to initiate and risk the humiliation of rejection. It is rare for a female to approach a male. Social skills of being extroverted outgoing approachable person does not come naturally to a person with Aspergers.

Having Aspergers means it is very difficult or impossible to form friendships and relationships. People with Aspergers are quiet introverted loners in their own world and are unapproachable. Having Aspergers also limits us in regards to employment, we must stick to jobs that are designed for quiet introverts and avoid jobs that involve interactions with other people.