Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

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Have you tried Bumble?

Looks are subjective. I think you are in the wrong dating pool. Take a look at the Meetups in your area and see if there is anything nature related. Look at the amount of confirmed participants to see if there will be a lot of people there.

I just came back home from an Internations meetup that had ended half an hour ago. I met some natives from here like I am, and they all said the same like I have--that people are very judgemental, arrogant and superficial compared to decades before.

I talked a bit to my parents about this, and both of them at work have been repeatedly socially isolated by co-workers who are around my age and act the same as I just described--superficial, judgemental, etc. There seems to be a pattern here. I think that people seriously are so messed up here that I just am not going to fit in with these people. It is just a losing proposition.

I am still looking for a way to meet European women, at least online, because I can relate better on a human connection compared to over here. I cannot attend meetups in Europe in person, but I can at least try a European dating site or forum. Still cannot find something like that.

Regarding Bumble, I have tried it for a year. I have barely gotten any likes here where I live. When I opened Bumble, plus OKCupid and other dating apps when I was in Europe, I got quite a steady amount of likes. I got more likes in a few days in Europe than a whole year in San Francisco. That really surprised me. I thought that I may have looked so ugly that the vast majority of women all over the world just thought of me as unattractive. But in Europe what seemed to be profiles of interesting women gave me likes.

When I was in Europe, I took a profile picture of my face whilst on the hills of Lisbon, Portugal with the backdrop of the ancient buildings, the river and the iconic bridge. When I uploaded this as my profile picture to Facebook, some female European acquaintances and friends made comments that it was a nice/attractive photo. So I got the idea to use this as my profile picture on all of the dating sites. Yet still here at home I barely get likes. In my honest opinion, I hate using it, but I think that if I used the superficial numbering system, I am at least a 5, maybe even 6, in that photo. And if some those European women acquaintances told me that it looked good, it has to have some merit. I really am not sure what is wanted here in SF, if looking like a 8 or 9 is a pre-requisite, or what.

I do not mind the bar meetups. When I was a student in the UK, I used to go a lot to student meetups in bars and pubs. The difference was that the attendees were all sorts of personalities, even introverted people came because they were welcomed. I got a long well with the attendees there.

However, having just come back from a meetup here, it seems like no matter what kind of meetup it is, if the people are so different to me, I just cannot relate to people.

Do you like dogs? I volunteered at an animal shelter. Aside from meeting decent people, you can have unlimited puppy parties. It sounds like you might benefit from getting smothered with affection by 20 dogs all at once.

I have had my share of being around animals since I was a veterinary assistant for several years when I was younger. But here, people do not really socialise in the veterinary hospitals. I remember that it was very business-like to me, just an owner with their dog/cat, examination or whatever, then they left with fairly minimal conversation. I also remember that the owners tended to be older. Usually in their 50s and 60s or older.

At meetups I have met a few women who had dogs, but not that many. Perhaps three or four. I have, however, met quite a lot more women who had cats.

I also have an eight-year old dog. He treats me much better than the people here treat me.

Cat people...full of secrets. And possibly Toxoplasmosis.

I am not sure how to detailedly explain how it is at meetups or any social events here, but it is generally like this.

People will pretend to be your friends then the next time you see them many times they ignore you and pretend that you do not exist. I mean as not even acknowledging you and ignoring you, they actually pretend like you are a ghost or that your actual presence is absent. When in a group, greeting and talking with the person to your right and the person to your left but ignoring you completely is very common.

When you try to join a group often people might look at you, make a nasty face and then turn their back towards you when you approach. You will often see people who make eye contact with you then turn away and try to avoid you thereafter. You often know that certain individuals are gossiping about you because people whom you barely know might bring up details about your personal life when conversing with you, and you know damn well that you never revealed anything to them.

People often dress up a lot--many guys wear suits and stuff, and women wear elegant dresses. It does not matter if the event is on a Sunday afternoon. Many attendees look like they are dressed for a meeting with the Board of Directors at some company. If you have "low-income" clothes or are otherwise under-dressed, they most likely would avoid you. The only casual dress here that is tolerated is something related to tech. If you have jeans, but yet have a T-shirt with a logo of Google, Facebook, Uber, Lyft, Twitter or whatever because you work there, then people will respect you. I usually have a plad office shirt, and apparently that is not good enough.

If you are a certain race, despite this area being supposedly "open-minded" and not racist, you will notice that certain individuals avoid you and people who are from your racial/ethnic group.

Simply courtesy is neither observed nor appreciated. If you open the door for a woman, she might get angry and scold or yell at you for sexism. If you open the door for a man, he might look at you like you are a fool, then just go past without saying thank you, as if you were the doorman at a five-star hotel. Likewise, when they are ahead of you near a door, they will not leave the door open for you. If people do not like you, they might bump into you and not say sorry, or even give a sly remark to you. When standing in a queue at the bar or whatever, people might just skip in front of you if they dislike you.

Often the very first question that you get asked is, "What do you do?" which means that they want to find out your profession. In my case it is often, "What are you?" because they want to find out what race I am, but if you are not mixed-race or ambiguous-looking like me, you will get that later, not immediately. When they ask you about your job, and you tell them that you do something that is not tech or finance or something where you clearly do not earn six or seven or eight figures or more, they will classify you as not being worth talking to. So if you are a blue-collar, working class person, many times they think that you are scum. If you do not pay at least $4000 a month for rent or have a $100000+ car, you are considered beneath them.

I have had to put up with this type of shït for years at social events here, and it has not helped in dating and meeting anyone compatible at all.

Last edited by Leon_Trotsky on 11 Nov 2019, 1:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

Have you been anywhere in the Midwest, like Oregon?

I thought that Oregon are part of the Pacific Northwest/West Coast, and that the Midwest is Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Ohio, etc.?

In any case I have not travelled domestically in almost 15 years. If I travel it is always out of the country, usually to Europe.

My only time to the Midwest was almost two decades ago. I went to Kansas. It was a small town and basically 99% WASP. I did not feel welcomed or comfortable there, but that would probably be due to a different reason compared to here at home.

Wouldn’t recommend Oregon.

My dream would be somewhere like Lisbon, Portugal or Florence, Italy.

The West Coast of North America (California, Oregon, Washington, British Columbia) already have a bad reputation for having fake people. But San Francisco ups the ante on that reputation by at least tenfold.

There are women that will overlook you based on your lack of experience because they do care about that sort of thing. Their reasons can vary a little, some were touched on by earlier posts in this thread. However it is not all women and for someone that is really into you she will not care.

Another factor to think about is that things that people deem abnormal to be scary and many then deal with that by being jerks. Generally it is a bit odd in our society for a man at thirty to have little experience with relationships and sex, it's more normal for it to get started too early (which is arsebackwards if you ask me). The best way to protect yourself with that is to be tactful about the information you give out initially. The second part of it is; when it does come up with someone you'd like to keep around, is to explain why. You don't owe them an explanation but it tends to help take the "what's wrong with this person to not have done X". How things lead to being this way for you is rather understandable when all the information is out there. Someone that is reasonable will see that.

You're definitely not damaged goods, if anything you're new in box. You just kind of fell behind the rack for awhile, so you're behind a bit! Being behind is not a dis-qualifier and anyone that thinks it is, probably wouldn't be very well suited for you anyway.

I'm sorry you seem bit traumatized by these people thoughtless comments. I've been there, it's hard to get them out of your head. You kind of have to actively fight them back. I'm not sure what would be the most effective weapon for you do that with. But As I think is the consensus right now, many of the people you have been around are quite superficial. Their comments are about - essentially - the brain washing they've received rather than there actually being something wrong with you.

Virginity and the attitudes about it are actually quite stupid. As I said before, women have typically been looked at as being virtuous by being virginal, where a man isn't really a man unless he isn't. These two things do not go together. If all the women are meant to be pure and virginal then it's pretty hard for a straight guy to not be a virgin. These are the two ideas that people lived by, its a pretty cockamamie expectation. Its not surprising that you mom wasn't harassed about it. I wasn't either. Women have broken out of that expectation some but the ideas haven't changed much for you guys. Actually there may be more pressure because women are 'more available' now. Virginity its self is a social construct with all kinds of mis-information tied to it. It has nothing to do with anyone's worth or dateability.


I've seen very short clips of it. Only short because I would change the channel do to boredom and or disgust. I am sure there is a bit of virginity shaming everywhere but I really wouldn't use those kinds of shows as any kind of predictor of what real people think. I say real because those people are picked for the show based on what the makers think will make for good ratings.


I've heard people talk like that but maybe not quite to that "I've got a lot of money" extent. Maybe if I was around people who made more money. I'd say that might be something else to add to your search of a new area. Somewhere that has more monetary diversity. There are some very nice and genuine people that have good jobs and make quite a bit of money but people who brag about things tend to not have all that much going on for who they ar and thus are often rather superficial. (people without money can be too of course, I am speaking on some extremely general terms that seems to fit where you are)


Well it was an example. Sarcasm is passive-aggressive so I can see how it might not suit you well. That would really tick me off having people always trying to pry into things that have naught to do with them. Your best mode of method would seem to be to use your bluntness as a blade and cut their question off at the knees.


Aspergers + Childhood innocence I think. Not that I'm going around lying these days, I still prefer not to but I'm quite cautious about how I answer someone's questions. frankly I think that teacher was asking what she did specifically so she could use it as a justification for her/the schools accusations of me, and not that I was actually struggling.

Heh my therapist just made a comment the other day that about my bluntness XD I don't remember what it was about, probably ranting about someone's stupidity. =)

It think it depends a little one what sort of truth that you are telling a person. I've run into a lot of people that have taken my truthful analyzing as judgement and thus can respond angerly or defensively. I think that's just from them being insecure. Though I'm sure some are just full of crap ad don't like having that exposed.


I would say that extreme honesty and lack of ...thought for self preservation is likely related to your ASD. As such you've become a victim and taken on a victim's thinking a bit with figuring everyone is just going to screw you over. It should be something you can change though. Even when what we might experience has largely been the same and negative it still remains rather unfair to lump everyone in the same group. Not just for others, but you as well. You could easily end up missing out a connection or end up in a big misunderstanding. Trying to be open and setting the meter at 0 for each person would be more effective. It lets you collect information and gives them a chance to earn your trust (to be given your honesty of self). If they fail to earn trust or set off alarm then you know you can throw them in jail.


Have you tried practicing expressions in a mirror? It may feel weird at first but if you move your face around a bit you might be able to find an expression you like on yourself. Then you just have to remember how it 'feels'. People may think that you're odd for it, but I think a bigger concern is that you know they could be thinking that. So if you had an expression you knew you could do it might make you feel a bit more 'normal' around others.

I'm pretty sure I've seen another member here say that their face is also all the time


With the hugging stuff. I suspect there are a lot of members here that can relate to that. These kinds of sensory things vary from person to person so I can't fully answer your question. For me personally, I'm not all that fond of being touched by people or hugging others. But I've found exceptions to this; my ex boyfriend was one of them. The only explanation I have for that is that because different people have different auras/atmospheres/energies (whatever you want to call it) that feel different. This seems to make a pretty big difference for me of how okay I am with being close to someone.

Usually people want to touch the person they are attracted to, which is why they may say there isn't an attraction if there is no touching. But it's ultimately a means to convey that you are attracted. There are other ways to convey that, it's not a requirement. Touching is simply one of the easiest say to non verbally say "I like you"


A lot of people tend to lean either calculative (sciences, math, facts, dates etc) mind of an arts (art, writing, psychology)type. You're the former, I'm the latter. I can sound formal, or 'intense' but I've never been told i sound like a scientific paper.


I think that's sort of our human nature to some extent of wanting to hear everything is good. I've often debated when I have been asked how I am of exactly what others are asking. Are they asking the reality of how I am? Is it just a pleasantry? Do they actually care? Etc. Most I think it's almost like a reflex for them to ask so most often there little point in saying anything other than "good". So I think that might be a bit of everywhere. Up here though people do speak more plainly, probably because it's too cold for lots of nonsense.


Some therapists will work with a sliding scale to work with people when it comes to their fee.

Animal therapy has had a lot of positive influence in reducing stress. Even if you don't own one, you can always go to a shelter to play or snuggle with one. Shelters are always looking for help.


An undershirt/cami would do nothing to help the bra...o_O unless they are talking about hiding nips better. Either way though they need to not be so concerned with what others are or aren't wearing.

My father's side of the family is more male dominated...not the females are particularly obedient...just the men have more rule. It is certainly a tough thing to break through. Whether or not you intended to and even feeling bad about it, you are fighting against that and frankly that is still pretty cool.


Honestly the best way I've find to deal with that is to simply embrace the weird. "Yep I'm weird and so much more interesting than you." Plus its kinda fun to use it to freak people out...



But what really is the success from being macho/tough? Getting into fights with people on a regular basis is not a good thing in any case, even though that is normal in third world countries. And when my father was my age he used to ride a motorcycle, but quit after he crashed and ended up on the windscreen of a car. Smoking 20+ cigarettes a day until having to quit due to the health effects. Having sex with no proper contraception in place and ending up with unwanted children at a young age. I honestly cannot see what doing these "manly" things does to improve a guy. I would have to agree with you about following this lifestyle.

My father sometimes makes comments that I am not sure are jokes or not. He says that I should try one night stands, and would forgive me totally if I accidentally got a woman pregnant. The reasoning being that being a virgin this old, that I need to get it over with no matter how many mistakes I make.

Sometimes my life seems like a comic book. Except if this were a comic (or manga?) book, both my mother and I would have captions over our heads saying, "WTF?"[/quote]

If you can draw at all you should make that comic. besides it being entertaining it might help with the stress issue.

I'm kind of wondering exactly what could have brought your parents together in the first place. They seem quite different mentally. Your dad has a lot of old ignorant beliefs; its unfortunate that he is also probably too stubborn to take on getting 'enlightened'. But at the very least you can see where he is lacking and expand that within yourself. One way or another we do learn from our parents.


I agree that the internet didn't do much in terms of keeping people's feet on the ground. Things that mattered more in the past had more to do with things like work ethic vs superficial things like Instagram.

Back in your grandfather's time talking about ones virginity probably really wasn't done. Certainly in the past it wasn't necessarily odd for there to be long time bachelors. It depends a little on Country but for many it was just seen as a man too wild to tie down - or something along those lines. An unmarried woman by that age back then would have been entirely pitiful though.


Yeah it's really hard to analyze and respond in real time especially if you're nervous! Chances are I might've done just like you did, and then while I was walking away I would have come up with all the things I could have said to continue the conversation. Then I'd end up having many conversations with that person in my head. I do this probably on the obsessive level but I have found that it has helped me come up with some go to things to say in certain situations when trying to keep a conversation going. I suppose you could have gone back in pretending you forgot something? Thinking of it like a chess game would be difficult particularity because when conversing with someone you may need to take more than one 'turn'.

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You don't have to be in favor of them and really you're still young enough that its not like its your only option.

That is a butt load of languages and very impressive. I don't get why people around you don't think so. I'm pretty sure anyone I'd run into would think that's amazing. I feel like if you keep trying with different kinds of people you will find some that are going to appreciate your positives.

It is the toxic masculinity that is ingrained in the USA and other like minded low intelligent superficial countries are to blame. More intelligent societies exist in Europe and Asia and they care more about doing and achieving things in life.

Well I do not think people are weird freaks if they are a virgin at 30, I mean when I met my boyfriend he was not a virgin but he was living on the floor of an apartment living room where some of his 'friends' were living. Then during that early period they got a different apartment with two bedrooms so my boyfriend got his own room but still just had a matress and a desk covered in warhammer miniatures.

And now the reason I say 'friends' with the quotation marks, well after a time they got all weird and were trying to talk crap about me to my boyfriend, saying I was stealing their tea or whatever. I never stole their tea the female room-mate told me I could help myself to some of the tea, so a couple of the times I stayed over with my boyfriend I grabbed a couple bags of green tea out of a box of cheap grocery store brand stuff she had and didn't even ever use any of her better tea because even though she offered I didn't want to take advantage so I only used the cheapest ones she had the couple times I did take her up on her offer that I could use some of her tea.

That said after the accusations and treating my boyfriend so crappy me and him ended up moving in together quicker than we had planned. Part of their accusations probably came from all the cocaine they were doing, like I admit me and my boyfriend indulged a couple times but its very occasional for us...kind of seems his room-mate couple was doing it regularly like every morning...so that could explain some of their weird, sh***y and crazy behavior.

That is true. I mean technically anything can be considered a deal-breaker. Like over here I have heard several times both from personal experience as well as from acquaintances that a guy who is not 100% White is often rejected just because of that. So if race is important, I can imagine something as superficial as virginity being important--to some women. You are right, not all think like this, thankfully.

Over here, the percentage of those who consider it important is probably much higher than in another places, but if I move then it would at least solve that problem somewhat.



That is an interesting point. I do find it surprising often how the "normal" people act. They do seem to react negatively and even hostilely towards people who are seen as abnormal. Yes, a man at thirty with close to zero experience in anything relationship or sex related is seen as odd, and most of my acquaintances have started very early. Probably too early in my opinion, such as 13. And it is true that it is considered normal for them to do this--like when my classmate in grade 8 lost his virginity at age 13. Such a guy is worshipped like a hero, yet someone like me is vilified. Logically, it makes no sense. But then again, social interactions and experiences of "normal" people seldom make any sense to me.

I would not mind sharing information if I am in a situation like you describe. But due to past experiences I always have this suspicion of people, that they are out to screw me over by pretending to be nice then humiliating me once they gain my trust. If she asks, I could answer. I would just hope that she would not change her mood instantly and start making fun of me.



I always felt kind of like if you used a car analogy, I could be a new car but due to lack of usage, I just rusted and rotted in the garage to be forgotten by everyone.

But based on being disqualified because of it, it probably does mean that basically none were well suited for me.



I sometimes get flashbacks and ensuing anxiety when I get asked about this issue, which as said before, comes up much more often than it should. But I can still hear the reactions of "How can you be a virgin this old?!", "You are so weird", etc. from my past experiences that constantly repeat in my head. I almost unwillingly associate dating and socialising with flashbacks of those comments. And also online when some had already found out about it, I remember receiving messages like "virgin at 26 ".

There is not much that I can do to prevent these flashbacks. As I promised to myself when turning 30, I will tell people what I think of them when they insult me. If I get called weird and then get made fun of, especially like if they burst out laughing and/or give me the middle finger or whatever, then I will just say straight to their face that they are a vile excuse for a human being and have the brain of dog shït or something. I am done with letting people insult me for my past and just not saying anything back to them.



The virginity laws are not based on logic, which is probably another reason why normal people tend to fit into the normality rules of virginity, and I do not. I do not know any female virgins from meetups personally, and it is obvious that many women whom I have met are not virgins because, as is want here, they usually bring up something about past or present relationships/sexual experience unsolicited during a conversation. Perhaps some are just lying, but who knows.

But of the few male virgins whom I know, like in other posts, they are treated quite badly. Being socially isolated due to being a virgin at their age is common, and I have seen it happen. I remember some other male virgin acquaintance who told us in a group. Virgin at age 35 in his case. People in the group would slyly try to make him look bad by introducing him to women by starting out with, "Hey, meet _____. He comes to the meetup regularly. He may be a bit bashful, I mean, he is a virgin after all." and I can see the guy blushing due to embarrassment. That type of passive-aggressive low-level insulting is common.



I have seen the Spain and Netherlands version of First Dates. I was a bit alarmed at the occasional moments where the guy was a virgin at 19 or 22 or whatever. And when the woman found out, she would be shocked as hell. During the interviews with the camera, she would say how weird a guy must be to remain a virgin without wanting to. But that is a good point, the networks probably choose very normal, extroverted people who fit social norms (except virgin guys?) to get good ratings. Or perhaps part of the entertainment is for the audience to see a virgin guy made fun of on national television. Who knows.



Unfortunately I live in a very moneyed area, not only of the country, but of the world. It sounds insane, but I live in not even the richest area of my region. I am just one hour's drive from Silicon Valley, where a medium-sized house can easily cost over $3 million. To my north across the bridge are people with mansions and yachts. Since there is basically no middle-class, the only areas with select places with less rich people. But these areas are economically depressed, deprived areas that do have low-income people, but very high crime rates.

Just this Saturday night, I had the unpleasant experience of talking with a tech worker who was particularly proud that he was paying more than $6000 per month on rent for a small flat in Downtown. Then he started talking about how he managed to go on a date with some woman at an expensive Italian restaurant where the bill came up to over $300. Then was talking about why he got no second date...



I am quite blunt and direct, where no one needs to parse or interpret what I am trying to say. Right now if someone insults me about my appearance or my income or race or past experiences or whatever, I could very easily just tell them straight to their face that they are full of shït and are a vile person.



That is interesting, because I did not sense from your writing that you are brutally honest. Just honest, but not overtly. Or perhaps that is because I myself am quite brutally honest and I do not find anything wrong with being extremely direct, and I just see direct, honest people as normal. In other words, the opposite of how normal society see it.

My mother is extremely direct and brutally honest. If anyone insults her for any reason, yells at her or whatever, she yells back and tells them things like how they are an uneducated, repugnant fool who has the manners of a five year old, for example.

I get that too, it seems like the so-called normal people do not like honesty. Saying the truth, even if it hurts, is considered bad manners. But if someone tells you something like, "Poor people like you do not do anything productive, it is we tech workers who make six and seven figures who are transforming the world", would you not be honest and tell him/her how full of shït they are?



That is true, I let past experiences affect my judgement of future and present experiences. I often go to one extreme or another--from extreme honesty and naïveté, to now extreme paranoia and suspicion of others. It is hard for me to settle in the middle. I tend to be like that anyway--black and white--and switching from believing everyone to believing almost no one is another example of that. I probably tend to use cumulative experiences too much when setting the meter, which would be very high based on the amount of negative experiences in the past few years.



Right now I have been sometimes trying to get a normal-looking smile in front of the mirror. I remember when I went to take my Facebook profile picture in Portugal on the hill, I spent over five minutes doing selfies. I took over 30 pictures of my face, and only two looked acceptable. When trying to smile, I ended up looking like this: and other expressions.

I am sure that most people in my social events would think that a thirty-year old man not only is single/virgin, but never learnt how to smile. But again, I stopped caring now what they think.



We seem similar in this respect. I feel weird about touching. The body heat also, it reminds me of when I put my body near the oven or microwave. About auras, when someone touches me, or is preparing to touch or hug me, I can sense this warm aura, and it feels more strange to me than embracing.



That is probably another area where I break with societal norms. When conveying, "I like you", touch is one of the last things that comes to my mind. I usually say nothing nor give "hints".

Maybe because of paranoia plus high crime rates here, if a woman touches me on the back or arm or whatever, the first thing I do is get surprised (and not in a good way), and secondly, my intuitive reaction is to wonder if someone is trying to rob or pickpocket me. If they touch me on the left arm, I instinctively wonder if they are trying to take my watch off from my wrist. Sounds very silly, which probably is why I fail quite badly in this area of dating/social interactions.



I am not sure really, I mean I do like sciences yet since I was a young boy up to around age 18 I took art classes each week. But my paintings were all very much based on the realism style, as in the painting had to look as much as realistic instead of creative like Dalí or Picasso paintings. But probably that is true, I am more on the calculative side.

Personally you do not write overly formal in my view. It seems rather colloquial. When writing e-mails and stuff, I have often received reactions about how they were surprised that I was in my 20s, because I wrote like an 80 year old man, e.g. "Dear Sir/Madam" or "To whom this shall concern" as an opening and "Yours faithfully" as a closing. Apparently that style is outdated now.



That is interesting as well. I do notice that other people tend to like hearing what is good. But I like hearing brutal truths, no matter how bad they are. I tend to be more pessimistic, and prefer hearing whatever is true, even if I would not like it. It is like that thing that people do, asking if you want to hear the good news first or the bad news first. I always choose bad news first.

But perhaps this is by region, like how your region is more blunt than mine.





I am used to all sorts of bizarre comments like that throughout my entire life. Someone's dress should not be picked on, but it often is. The males on my father's side of the family often wear big/oversized clothes so that T-shirts often go past the waist and trousers that are obviously too loose. The reason being that a male wearing tight-fitting clothes is considered unmanly. And apparently males are expected to wear shirts directly over their torsos with no undershirt. I suppose that back in their countries they associated undershirts with females. I have never visited those countries, so I have no idea how things are there. But still does not explain why the department stores sell undershirts in the men's section, using their logic.



To be honest I also have wondered that as well. My mother also grew up in the third world, and with a bit similar expectations of how men and women had their own traditional customs. She is traditional in the sense the older way that the man usually pays for dinner, the man opens the door, etc. These customs are still commonplace even in the first world. She is used to these customs but at the same time believes in clear equality in things like employment and education for both genders. So a bit of a mix.

But crossing the line is what my father often does, such as assuming that a man who eats a salad is gay or unmanly. Or that people with mental disorders are just idiotic people. Those types of beliefs are something that she did not grow up with, or at least not to such an extent that so many people adhered to them. Actually just an hour ago from now, my parents were watching a travel programme on TV. It showed a restaurant, and two young women probably in their early 20s were eating together. My father immediately said, "Look, lesbians!", and my mother said, "How the hell did you arrive at that conclusion?". so he said, "They are eating together." Apparently in his culture the only reason that two people are eating together in a restaurant is because they are a couple. But then one of the women on TV said how her boyfriend would have loved the restaurant. Then my mother looked like .



Since I am a late-bloomer in many things, I noticed how things were without Internet. Even though I am 30, I grew up mostly without Internet, until I was around 13. I used a rotary dial telephone in the house to speak with friends. Back then, even, things seemed less superficial. Back in our grandparents' time these weird superficial things were never part of the dating scene. I wish that this technology stuff were not involved in dating, but that is not possible. Especially where I live.



Well it is kind of thinking of strategy of what to say, like you do. I am dense socially, and if someone does not tell me what they are trying to imply, I will simply just not sense it and assume that there is nothing underlying. Unless I am told, "I like you", I assume that that is not the case because I have not heard it verbatim. That clearly hinders me in these type of situations.

I was thinking of going back, but then thought how weird it would look. Like I have delayed responses. I tend to mess up situations when I try these strategies, though.



I feel that Anglophone countries tend to not favour introverted people. If I think about it, the "big five", i.e. UK, USA, Canada, Australia and New Zealand all tend to put emphasis on the extroverted, gregarious people. Guys like those in Japan who use those dolls would probably be considered very weird in all five countries, but especially USA.

I saw an article about how there are restaurants in Japan where people can sit in an enclosed space with walls on both sides such that the chef gives them their food through a window with shutters facing the customer. It seems like the introverted, awkward people get more respect.



I spent a lot of time to reach high levels in those languages. The decades spent on languages and other stuff like chess is not really interesting to people here it seems. The only acceptable nerdy thing here is tech.

I probably was too hard on myself again. I met a few Europeans several years ago who are internationally known polyglots. Not well known in normal circles, but definitely in linguistic and academic circles. One guy whom I met was just a few months older than I was, and he knew 40+ languages, with over 20 to advanced level and about 10 to near-native level. There are some guys in their 40s and 50s who know almost 50 languages because they dedicate their entire lives to them. I felt inferior to people like these. Of course, it is silly to think that I am poor at languages just because I only know around 15 and I am comparing to people to have insane talent and know 40+ languages.

One thing that I did notice though is that all of those guys whom I either met or heard about had problems socialising and were often very introverted and shy. Close to 100% of them had some form of ASD or another. More than half were similar to me, i.e. perpetually single, although being single at 50+ years old is a bit more severe than my situation.

I thought Oregon was the midwest.

Uh, Oregon is the Pacific (PNW) region not the Midwest o.O

Race could potentially play some part with attraction, where I would call BS on someone trying to claim they "aren't attracted to virgins". But yeah, people have all kinds of deal breakers or them. Superficial people will obviously have more superficial deal breakers. So yes if you go somewhere where there are more substantive people you will have better luck.


Just think of how racists react to people that have skin a different color of their own. Fear and hostility is far too usual. I'd say it has link to our fight or flight response because back in the cave man days anything that was unknown to us it was a potential threat. If you failed to react you might end up dead. Of course are different now and we are more educated so that kind of prejudice isn't acceptable. The best way to make something "odd" or "scary" is to provide information, thus making familiar. Some people will still be dolts, but typically if you can explain a thing the thing is less daunting.

13 is quite young, I see nothing heroic there. It's rather sad to me actually.

Unfortunately there's always that risk of someone turning on you. It's a leap of faith to do, but one hopes you've taken an interest in someone kind. Should they do a 180, all you can do is apologize for giving them more credit of character than they truly have and leave.


Aw that's a depressing way to put it. But even with that analogy; a rusted and rotted out car can be restored.


"brain of dog shït" X'D Good for you for being set on not letting others mock you though. I'm not sure if insulting them back is the best way but speaking up for yourself definitely is a good thing. I think if you continue to build yourself and not let others guilt you some of those flashbacks will start to quiet down a bit. It's pretty darn immature for someone to message you like that. People just looking to be aholes are the pathetic ones and not worth ye energy.


Yeah that's rude AF. There are all kinds of reasons why someone may be a virgin and its nobody's freaking business. People who do that crap need to be put in their place. "Ah yeah I'm a virgin, but at least I'm not so insecure I have to mock guys like myself to bolster my ego."


Men are often thought of as hyper sexual. There is some expectation that guys are always looking to get some and if they aren't that means there must be something wrong with them. This probably thought even more of good looking guys. He's hot of course he's been with lots of girls!(The female version is 'lots of guys must be after her because she's beautiful') It's a foolish assumption but that would be an explanation for the "shocked" reactions. Like I said its all rather superficial.


I suppose you could say I'm masking but that's not entirely it. Easier, adapted for survival, empathy related etc. In any case you might get a glimpse of it but people aren't likely to observe the unadulterated blunt me in this kind of public setting.

It's true a lot of people can't handle the truth or plain don't like it. If you tell them something about them that's true but they don't want to acknowledge it there is a chance they'll headbutt you in the gut. Which sucks because you get punished for their shortcomings.

I didn't think it was uncommon for people to be blunt and 'abrasive' when they've been yelled at and or insulted? I mean that seems understandable to an extent in that situation.

I'd probably think that someone saying a comment to me like that was a joke at first. But after yeah I'd probably tell them they're snob at the least.


It's not unusual most people do the same, I'm not an exception. Finding a medium can be hard for anyone but maybe a bit more for those of us on the spectrum. A phrase I heard a lot growing up was "don't throw the baby out with the bathwater!" All or nothing, black and white, this or that. Its tougher when it's fueled by negative experiences but I've found with time, self awareness, and self talk I've been able to make choices to be in the grey more even if my initial feeling is on an extreme end.


Don't worry about that too much, I usually will have to take an arseload of pictures of myself only to end up only finding a couple acceptable/not weird.

You're clearly capable of expressions though, that at least gives you something to work with


Interesting, are you feeling their irradiating body heat or a something else (aura) thing?


That could pose a problem for you. Not using touch as a means of saying "I like you" or for flirting could be forgotten. However, there has to be something to indicate your interest otherwise any woman is likely to write you off as not interested and move on.

I can understand being nervous because of the possibility of crime. Is it just as bad if you can plainly see they are going to touch you? I mean typically a thief isn't going to be super obvious.


Yeah I didn't mean that if someone is more of one group they'd have nothing in the other group; it's why I used the word lean. I don't fit perfect in one or the other either but my wheelhouse is more of the second group mentioned (even though I'm not all that creative).

Well I am talking with you on a forum vs like writing an email, a paper, or even leaving a voicemail. I'm not as formal or old timely as you seem to be, not 80 anyway lol two of my cousins said when I was around 20 that I act like I'm 40 so not as big an age gap. Might be a bit charming to some that you would write that way. It's a bit reminiscent of love letters exchanged during times of separation in the old days.


I'm all for the truth even a brutal truth. Some people will take advantage of this to be cruel unnecessarily though... "I'm just telling you truth like you told me to". I very much believe one can be truthful without being cruel. So it's just good to have some mindfulness


Yeah your dad's side has some goofy ideas o.O Must be pretty lonely to not even be able to go out to eat with a friend.


At least you are able to believe them if they say it though. Generally I think as long as it doesn't seem like they are looking to get away, you're good to assume that they like talking to you at the very least.


Oh certainly the introvert is much more respected there. Japan's General idea of the USA is not particularly flattering. Big, flashy, rude, noisy etc. Then many people in the USA just think of Japan in terms of when we were fighting them and tentacle hentai. All things have truth but maybe their view more so


Well what else is there to do but study if you cannot otherwise connect with people? Yes you were certainly being too hard on yourself. 15 languages is extraordinary; many people can't even manage one lol