Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

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Deciding which is worse, being a virgin or being lonely and single, is not exactly an easy choice. That is like when I was bullied as a kid, if you asked me would I rather that my classmates punched me either in the gut or in the chest.

I have been asked this a lot but, no, I am not going to go that route. Not only is it illegal here, I am not going to a place where it is legal like Amsterdam and going to the Red Light District. As if my self-esteem had not been lower, having to go that route would destroy any sliver of self-esteem that I have.

A sexual surrogate is different than a prostitute. You go through a mental health therapist to coordinate, and set up a series of sessions where you consentual lessons on intimacy and coitus. It skirts the realm of prostitution but is protected by the Doctor/Patient relationship.

It isn't a typical way to have sex, but if you are on WP you probably aren't a typical person. There are a couple benefits that overshadow the weirdness:
1) You learn what you like. I have found that I learn a lot of my interests and cues from TV and movies. As such, it has given me an unrealistic idea of how relationships work and what I want in a woman. This gives you a path to learn what is or isn't attractive.
2) It is grounded in rules. Everything is already planned out into a routine. Which is great.
3) You learn to be good at sex. It eliminates apprehension for sex with your future partner, and you can learn how to perform optimally.
4) It's just business. It has a start and a finish, and you are working with someone in a relationship that is defined as having a finite existence.

It sounds weird and it isn't for everyone...just trying to think outside the box.

I was in the same boat you were. Maybe worse. My life is far from perfect, but I'm doing better than I ever was. You can always PM me if you need to rant or if you have a question. If I don't know, I won't make up an answer.

Those people asking you stupid questions are not your friends, they are challenging you, testing your patience and looking to start a fight. You do not need to answer their questions.

Move to Europe and hang out with people on your level. Europe is more friendly towards Aspergers. America is unfriendly towards Aspergers and your negative experiences with people clearly show people do not respect you.

I mean there must be an easier way than resorting to that. If there were some singles meetup for "abnormal" or "weird" people that would help a lot, but there simply do not exist any here.

Like I said, at meetups often I see that there are men who are probably on the spectrum, or if not, at least very nerdy. However, the women whom I meet are not, as in they are almost always "normal", i.e. talkative, can read and show body language like a mime, are almost always the life of the party and know how to handle social situations, etc. Up to now I have never met a woman who were "weird" or where something seemed off and they had problems socialising.

So according to this basic analysis, this leaves the dating pool being a lot more males than females (high male-to-female gender ratio), yet there are quite a few "weird" and ASD men. However, on the female side, there are much less females than males, plus over 95% of the women are very normal and adhere to the rules of normalcy as established by society.

In Europe it seemed like there were more women who were quieter and more introverted than over here. Right now I am trying to get there. But being an American citizen makes the process much harder than if I were a citizen of a European country or of a current or former European colony

Forget about this "sexual surrogate" stuff.

Forget about sex dolls and all that.

If I lived alone and could afford it I’d get a sex doll
It’s double as cuddle buddy too.

If there were some sort of forum for singles in a European country and/or introverted or "abnormal" people I would join. I tried once a few years ago a speed-dating event. It was, how would I put it, expensive--$45 just for entry. And I think that often women get free entry, but men must pay. It was an embarrassing experience. That is about the best that I can describe it.

What often causes me a depressed feeling is that I feel stuck. I cannot right at this moment move to Europe because I need a visa and funds to make such a drastic life change. Plus I intend to study there as well, so I need to deal with universities and a bunch of bureaucracy and documentation before I can even get a visa. Eventually I will get there, but for at least a year I am stuck here.

I feel like the past few years I have been rotting here like a carton of milk left in the fridge for months after its expiration date. In San Francisco, one of the most judgemental, superficial places on this planet. Many times at meetups not only do I have trouble getting along with people, but sometimes due to the passive-aggressive, judgemental nature of many meetup attendees, there are verbal arguments. Instead of connecting with people, I have to argue with people. When people make passive-aggressive insulting comments to me, I have to tell them that they are full of shite and basically it often is like a debate instead of a relaxing, social gathering.

I was watching the election debates for the general election in Spain that takes place this Sunday. The stress that I get from having to argue with people when they insult me at meetups is more than if I were one of those politicians on the debate stage.

What are the insults? Are the statements consistent across different groups, or are they different each time? Use it as an opportunity for potential self growth.

If the consistent complaint is you don't wear shoes( made up example), make a note that is important to people. It's important that you are comfortable being you, but instead of being upset look at it as a learning exercise. Is it more important for you to be accepted or to live by your own rules?

Ah sorry, I was using hentai by its literal meaning (strange, weird, pervert) not the pornographic material. If you look for people in the anime/manga fandom you'll at some point find someone willing to talk hentai - they may not be Japanese.

Male virginity specifically has a stigma on it that has long been apart of society. A virgin woman is virtuous, but a man? Becoming a vegetarian/vegan and rejecting meat may have some set bias' on it but nothing so entrenched as the set ideas of how virginity is viewed in the genders. So I'm not surprised that forgoing meat/animal products is looked on more kindly. The good news is ideas have been changing. If you haven't noticed, more women are doing what they please and not apologizing for it. I see no reason why men who aren't living what society tells them what they're supposed to be doing shouldn't follow suit.


Ack I hate being put on the spot like that. You have a right I decline to answer as I said before but it makes sense they'd be mad at you. They're all playing "the game" and you're refusing to, so to them you're a wet mop. And when a group people will get emboldened to be even more jerky to the odd man out. What they don't get of course is that asking someone you don't know that kind of stuff is inappropriate.


So at that point it would have me considering replying to the guy with things like: "Sounds like you're just looking for gossip, and that is precisely why I won't tell you", "I have no obligation to satiate your curiosity", "You got me! I'm a world renowned jiggalo of circus clowns!" Throw hands in the air, walk away going "dat dat Dada da dating dat dat...":jester: most likely I'd just give a dirty look/shake my head and walk off though. Anyway you are allowed to get snarky with others if they aren't going to let up. They have no right to that information, nor the right to harass or make you feel bad for not complying.


I was the kid that people always said "cat got your tongue?". So when I was spoken to or asked a question there was no guarantee I'd say anything lol When I did answer it was pretty much (id sometimes leave out information)always honestly, especially if someone of authority (parent, grandparents, teachers etc). I never had a notion to deceive, or suspect anything of the person inquiring. I only aimed to get their approval, so I'd answer the question. That honesty would lead to trouble at times. A teacher accused me of lying and being manipulative because I'd answered her questions honestly and she chose to twist it.

^that being my case I probably wouldn't have gotten into the situation you did but I can certainly appreciate parts of it. Makes sense you'd be kinda paranoid. It's good in the way it means you can protect yourself better but it's also a lot of stress and frankly sad. It means keeping one's guard up, always assuming what you say will be passed along but in doing that it can make us seem unfriendly. It's a hard situation.


Is your lack of emoting just something you don't seem to do or is it because you aren't necessarily feeling anything / not feeling an emotion strong enough to get you to have an expression?

Sensory issues are also common with ASD (I have one) so your sensitivity may be heightened from that too. I'm not big on being suddenly touched, especially not someone I'm close to but I'm more inclined to freeze than fight. I'm not sure how you could remedy that either... just that if were to happen to then try to "laugh it off". "Oh wow you startled me!" Or maybe apologize if you scared them, and just say that your ninja training just took over. Something like that. I mean you could just explain you're sensitive to sudden touch but former options would play as more 'charming' responses.


He may be frustrated with the dating because of a feeling of not getting the connect he could be looking for. Yes he's had relationships but that's a past tense, it's easy to be frustrated dating even with successes when you can't find that one that has some real staying power.

Yes he would be considered 'ahead' of you but it's not race. It feels like a damn race with everyone but the truth is you're the only one on the track. His track is not yours nor is yours his. There is likely something that you might be 'ahead' of him on.

I mostly ment it'd be mentally tiring. Also physically and emotionally but more to do with the mental stamina needed for being around other people.


That's not so bad then. I mean, does it really matter if people you have nothing in common with and wouldn't be of much interest to you, don't like you?


Yes, yes it really can rub people the wrong way. Having the ability to have some tact can be an asset when having to deal with other people. Particularly if you're looking to preserve someone's feelings. It's a kindness or courtesy in that case. Failing to have some level of courtesy in certain situations are apt to get you labeled as a jerk. Your examples don't fall into this though. Those sound tiring. You'd probably be better even in the northeast than there, as New Englanders tend to state it how it is. If a place sucks, they'll say it sucks. The trade off is some can also be downright rude or insulting lol


That's tough to deal with, depression literally can be a killer. But I'm glad you seem to get enough of a handle on your thinking so you aren't going to ruin your health.


Well we all here are kind of on the wrong planet after all. But Europe seems to provide you with more of what you need; it might just be where you belong.


Ehh my family is kind of mixed I guess. I'm not all that close and even less with my father's side. Not likely as pronounced it is in your family but I know there is some of that crap in there. My maternal grandmother was a but of a power source and then I was raised by a single mother so yeah all that brutish, toxic masculinity stuff tends to tick me off.

The comments your step brothers say just sounds childish to me. Except the undershirt thing, that confuses me. Do a lot of women wear undershirts? I was not aware of this Aside from small children I thought it was men that wear them mostly (Mostly because cold weather places require layers) not women. Anyway..most of it just sounds like ignorance. I suppose they'd probably get pretty ticked if someone like me kept correcting their faulty statements. XD

Unfortunately we can't really pick our family and it is unfortunate that with the males of your family you probably feel a bit like you were air dropped in. You've had to deal with those messages your whole life though, and are still able to logically see the fault in their mentality, that's not particularly a small feat. Many would have just gone with it if not just to preserve familial harmony. It takes more strength to hold true to your own philosophies. So where it might get you down, you are doing well for yourself, virginal and all.


Well if we're talking like our grandparents day they had some set protocol on how you court a woman. They learned from their parents I guess. Later years it got more 'free' and just like now there were books. Plus stuff you could get from like an info ad, pyramid scheme kind of thing and of course pick up artistry *rolls eyes* Are they needed things? Hard to say, some people really have no idea, others are just after an edge.


Relying on the intuition and being able to read the nonverbal signals is how it's done I believe. The later is tough if not impossible with ASD. A rule of thumb for you might be if a female talks with you, decide if you find her attractive. If yes, engage in more talk, if not say thanks and leave. By talking more you will collect more data and thus might have a better chance at figuring if she has interest or if it was just a passing comment.


Kinda, but people just meeting our aren't going to know that. If someone asks then make story out of it.


There may not be a meet up for dating purposes but there has got to be weird group meets around. Just maybe not easy to find. Like trying to go find the black market lol it's weirdness in normal land it would kinda need to be hidden.

I'm not particularly in favor of a surrogate but as with the dolls, whatever floats your goat.

Here the situation is quite odd. I have met a lot of White men who learn Japanese and talk to me about it. But quite a few have showed signs as well as admitted to be personally that since the gender ratio here is very bad plus they fail at dating if they do get dates here, they learn Japanese to date the immigrant Japanese women that come here to either study or work.

I mean it is not like all of them who study Japanese or who are interested in Japanese culture do this, but I would estimate that well over 80% of people whom I have met so far are men who want to escape the dating scene here and learn the language and culture to date Japanese women.

But I do sometimes daydream/wonder about being in a place like Japan. Not only would probably dating not be as hard as here, but just the lack of numerous comments about virgin/single and stuff I would probably not receive there.



You have a point. I was comparing how people here do not consider veganism or vegetarianism as weird at all, and that even vegetarians/vegans criticise me for my situation. Male virginity, based on not only my cultural background, but also the countless comments that I have received have really destroyed my self-esteem in the past. I more or less expect the virgin loser comments and all related insults and comments to come out of guys' mouths because a lot of guys grow up thinking this type of stupidity. I can more or less try to brush off the comments and say that the guy is a complete jackarse.

But when women say it to me, it hurts a lot more. A lot of times it hurts not only because they are saying that the factor of single/virgin is so heavy that that alone makes me undateable. That also implies that any good qualities like my STEM degrees or foreign languages or whatever does not make me redeemable because the virgin/single situation is such a horrible thing to be. So in the past, especially in my 20s, I felt like "damaged goods", such in a bad situation that I would be condemned to being single and virgin for life.

In other words, when a woman made fun of me or said that I am undateable due to being single/virgin, it was counterevidence to the point that people tried to make to me as reassurance, namely that a lot of women do not care if a man has always been single or virgin past a certain age. I would very much like to believe their advice, but when I hear the complete opposite to my face, it made me think that a lot of women actually do care about this issue, and actually do deem guys in my situation as undateable. And since I am so results- and data-oriented, when I see counterevidence, I automatically think that the hypothesis is false.

I still am haunted by the various moments where women found out that I was single/virgin and they said things like, "Please tell me this is not true. You cannot be a virgin this old...you mean it is true?!", or "Oh my god...You are sooooo weiiiird", or "Are you planning to be a monk?", etc. I burn up red with embarrassment and just do not know what to say or what to think. But all those memories come back very fast any time I go out on dates or even just talk at meetups.

But of course I learnt that perhaps this is caused by living where I am, where being single/virgin is really considered so horrible like an unforgiveable sin. Surely in other parts of the world this would not be the case. But you are right that generally, male virginity is not really seen as virtuous. It is more like, "What is wrong with this guy?". And like I said, my mother was a virgin until age 27 and said that she cannot remember anyone really making fun of her or anything for it. But maybe that was because that was decades ago, and male virgins are considered more pathetic and shameful in today's society.

Also I am not sure if you ever saw the dating show "First Dates", they have it in various countries. I feel very depressed at times when I hear women say explicitly when they find out their blind date is single/virgin, "Oh my god, such a weirdo", "How can anyone be a virgin past age 20?!", "I am never going to be with this guy ever. I mean, come on, he is still a virgin! Oh my god!" and stuff like that. It makes me think that this male virginity shaming is quite widespread in various countries as well.



I always get called things like that, like a party pooper and stuff. I guess that it is part of me that rubs people wrong. But I just despise these circle-jerk sessions where people try to one-up the other. Like you are talking to people in a group and people try to build themselves up as proof that they are normal and better than the rest, the other person does it, another one follows suit, etc. And then they come to you and are basically glaring at you and they just want to ask you if they could, "Are you normal like we are?"

I am not sure if this is done in your area, but it is very similar to other topics. Every week I go to meetups and there are at least a few people in a group trying to "weed out" what they see as abnormal. For example, someone will say, "I love my job, I earn six figures, got a small place and costs $4000 a month for rent, but hey, at least I am in the tech capital of the world." Then another will go, "Oh, well, bro, I work at Facebook, we have it pretty good, bro, I can afford an apartment like yours, maybe bigger." Another goes, "I work at Google, we get busses because we are the innovators of the world. Dude, I mean if I pay $5000 a month for rent, it is, like, no problem, dude." Then they come to you and ask you, "So you, what do you do?" If you answer something that they do not think as good enough or abnormal, they will be like "You mean you are not in tech?!" or "Oh..." and then either make a sly comment or ignore you thereafter. It is the same thing with virginity/single.



Yes I can see how I also wanted to react similarly, but I am very poor at sarcasm, so I just say things more directly. But still, that is how people act. They really want to know your business here. It is part of proving that you are normal. And it is the case, like usual, trying to ignore it actually brings more pressure upon you, and they get even more aggressive in their questioning or comments towards you. Just bloody annoying, seriously.



That sounds like honesty that is unfortunately not cherished in today's society. A lot of people just want to hear what they want to hear, whether it is factually correct or not or if it logically makes sense or not.

I am not sure how brutally honest you are, but my instinct would tell me that people who act irritated when being told the truth are, basically, full of shite.



Unfortunately I was born with being too naïve and honest that I would answer any sorts of personal information when asked. Just without thinking, like a reflex, like how normal people move their knee upwards when the doctors hits them on the kneecap. Several times I lent money to people who would give excuses to not pay me back, when now I see how clear it was that they were just using me because I was a naïve sucker to be taken advantage of. Other things like how I think how stupid I was for being so honest. When I played computer games, some random person would ask me what my password is, saying that they are an administrator. I would just tell them my password. Then suddenly I cannot log back into my game account. It took me a while to figure out that they were just BSing and just made up a story to scare me and get my password. I believed people way too much, just way too naïve. Thank hell no one ever asked what my credit card number was.

The times that I have been screwed over and tricked due to my honesty and caused me to be very paranoid and cautious. That naturally means being suspicious of people and having a bit of mentality of thinking of people being "guilty to be proven innocent" of trying to screw me over in some way or another. This is not a good way to think, but due to the various incidents that have occurred. I think that your honesty is not as insane as mine.



I am not sure if my lack of emotions is something natural and innate, because relatives often told me things like, "You know, when you were a baby, everyone thought that you were weird because you barely cried." or that I often was expressionless as a baby and young child. Even the photos of me as a baby and child that I can see just a few steps away from me, I have a blank expression on my face. Like . I never really solved it. Up to now, I struggle to smile properly. My facial expressions just come out weird. Another thing that probably makes people think that I am just abnormal.



I always had problems with touch, since I was a child. Family would always call me distant for not hugging back and stuff. I think that I understand what you mean about touch in your case, we are probably similar. Trying to think in the other way, if I were a woman I probably would get suspicious if a man touched me. But as it is, I see (NT?) dating advice from women saying that you must touch or else there is no attraction. Things like this is what makes me question, so what if both the man and the woman dislike touch? Then what happens?

My father is basically almost 70 yet he still goes into defensive mode if someone touches him unexpectedly. The last time that he did karate professionally was in the 1970s, yet he still has this reflex. It must be something about the training that the reflexes of getting into defensive mode if someone touches, must last for a long time. In the stronger case scenarios when someone quietly goes behind me and pats or slaps me on the back or whatever, I immediately turn round and slap away the hand, kind of like a hand-block with the palm. That often makes people really think that I am weird.

And also I am not sure if you have this, but I get very sensitive to sound. If I hear someone coming suddenly, I immediately turn my head very quickly. Sometimes people say, "Sorry, I did not mean to startle you" and stuff. These behaviours, especially when going out, must weigh quite negatively on me.



That is true. Just annoying that it seems like this happens a lot, as in most people do not share the same interests nor do they nor I get along with each other. That is probably just another symptom of the problem that I have to move.



That is part of my lack of feeling the mood in the area. I just tell someone what I think. It is hard to state what I think and not offend if they do not like the actual truth. I guess that that is why I was so drawn to the sciences--things are really established and there is no real way to offend people. 2+5=7, gravity is -9.8 m/s, etc. One cannot simply say, "I do not like that 2+5=7, so I think that 2+5=8." Not sure if you get this often either, but people say that I talk like a scientific paper instead of a person with charisma.

It is funny that you say that, because New Englanders (Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, etc.) people who moved here say similar to me, that they cannot get along with many people here because people here do not want to hear the truth--they just want to hear what they want to hear. And I am sure that not all those New Englanders have ASD. For the some that do, they probably get even more criticism for being brutally honest. People here want to hear that everything is good, everything is fine, and even small criticisms seem to offend people.

Personally to me, the "white lies" like they do so much in NT conversations are truly more offensive, because lying like that is just what it is--lying, but even worse, lying using subtle verbal tools to cleverly hide the lie and try to deceive people without their knowing.



My doctor has been monitoring my blood pressure for a while, and said that despite factors like family history of heart problems, that I probably have chronic hypertension. Most of it being caused by stress, since I was told that since my blood pressure was not improving despite regular exercise and eating less salt and fat, that the stress was the culprit for ruining my blood pressure. I was referred to stress therapy, but since I cannot afford proper health insurance, I have poor insurance and it does not cover it. So I basically have to do without it and try to relieve my stress by myself. Another plus that if I were in Europe--no need to pay outrageous sums of money for going to a therapist to control stress...

I was regularly getting blood pressure readings of 180/90, 190/100 and stuff. Anyone who studied biology or medicine knows that that is dangerously high. Since I technically am in the category of "could suffer heart attack", and I am only barely 30 years old, I have to block out thoughts about ruminating about how I kept failing at dating and related issues. My father has had two heart attacks already, and I do not want to start with that early (or at all, ideally).



During my time in the UK I found that I connected more with the people than back at home. Right now it is more of a waiting game before deciding on a country, filing the paperwork to get a visa, and stuff.

I do find it very odd that I have so little in common with people in my own hometown. Although this seems to be the case with my mother as well. In fact, part of the plan is for me to get residence to sponsor her over as well, since both of us seem to not fit in here.



If I understand correctly, I think that they are trying to say that women wear undershirts because their bras are not sufficient (?) or something. Which again makes no sense to me. Maybe they refer to those sleeveless things that both men and women wear, but still, I always thought that men wore those more than women. I really am not sure where they get their information.

Since my father has all sons, there is a lot of male energy. And it does not help that in such cultures, the man is more or less de-facto leader of the household. It is part of the man's obligation to assert strength in this way. If you ever saw documentaries or movies about third world countries and saw how the father basically can command the wife and children to follow orders, that kind of describes the cultural norms. I do not even have a wife and children yet, so I am already not even past step one in their eyes.



It is fairly frustrating when I am so different from the others despite all having the same father. I get comments about how I am so abnormal and weird because my mother is weird and she passed down her weirdo genes to me. I am very certain that none of my step-brothers have ASD, or anxiety, or social awkwardness or any of that. In fact, they tend to be more on the happy-go-lucky carefree reckless plus outgoing types. Right now I see them only twice or so a year. We really have no reason to meet each other anymore.

My parents often have verbal arguments, because they are so different to each other. My mother really does not appreciate the macho/tough attitude, and she gets irritated by comments like you do. Like when my father sees a man eat vegetables/salad or rides a bicycle, he says things like "that guy is a gay" since men are not supposed to eat vegetables and are supposed to drive cars or motorcycles. My mother would say, "Why do you say things like that?" and then he would reply, "Look, what kind of guy eats salad?" or "What kind of guy rides a bicycle? You know in my country, we would all call him a god-damn gay!" and then they start arguing.

When I was a teenager and brought some male friends over to the house to hang out and dinner, my parents prepared Italian food for us, but it had a lot of meat, mostly pork and beef. Since one of my friends was vegetarian, he refused the meat. My father later asked me if the guy was a gay because he refused to eat meat.

Or when watching a documentary about OCD or social anxiety, my father would say how the people in the documentary are stupid fools or whatever. And my mother would say those people are not acting that way for fun. Then my father would say that these people are sh*theads who are trying to get attention. So a verbal argument starts. Stupid stuff like that.

Also, since he is from a very third world mindset and we live in San Francisco, perhaps one of the most socially open cities in the world, you can imagine the comments about certain minorities. I will spare writing them here.

Likewise, she gets criticised as well for acting weird. I think that everyone in this forum knows how it feels to be derided for having a mental condition like ASD, OCD, anxiety, depression, whatever. A lot of relatives on my father's side do not like my mother for her weirdness. And like I said before, she gets told that my step-brothers turned out normal and I turned out weird because she was the one who passed down her weirdness to me.

But what really is the success from being macho/tough? Getting into fights with people on a regular basis is not a good thing in any case, even though that is normal in third world countries. And when my father was my age he used to ride a motorcycle, but quit after he crashed and ended up on the windscreen of a car. Smoking 20+ cigarettes a day until having to quit due to the health effects. Having sex with no proper contraception in place and ending up with unwanted children at a young age. I honestly cannot see what doing these "manly" things does to improve a guy. I would have to agree with you about following this lifestyle.

My father sometimes makes comments that I am not sure are jokes or not. He says that I should try one night stands, and would forgive me totally if I accidentally got a woman pregnant. The reasoning being that being a virgin this old, that I need to get it over with no matter how many mistakes I make.

Sometimes my life seems like a comic book. Except if this were a comic (or manga?) book, both my mother and I would have captions over our heads saying, "WTF?"



I think that back in those days the lack of Internet made it a bit more normal and more logical. Not normal meaning that the customs of giving dowries and stuff, I meant that no one judged each other on if they were a good choice for husband/wife based on how many Instagram followers one had, or how many one night stands one had.

Like I wrote earlier, my grandfather struggled, and he was a virgin and did not get married until almost 50. For a man in the 1950s, being unmarried in the late 40s in a third world country would certainly raise suspicion in the community. People would wonder if he had mental problems or whatever. But if he could do it, there must have been more forgiveness back then at least compared to now, judging by the comments that I receive.



That is true, and has been my eternal problem. My faulty thinking is when I start thinking like at a chess game, and I just stand there stiff and not moving, just thinking. I try to analyse the situation and then get confused because I am analysing what "feels" more logical, when I cannot calculate concretely what is more logical. When I just said, "Thanks" and left, I was on autopilot. Only after I left, I thought, "Should I have said something more?". And obviously it would just look really weird if I went back, opened the door, went in and starting talking after just having said "Good night".



I am not in favour of either to be honest. I am still trying to somehow find either some forum for European singles who are "weird", or some way to connect with Europeans in general since even the normal Europeans seem to be at least a bit more accepting of me than here. I know Spanish, Catalan, Norwegian, Dutch, Italian, French, Czech, Danish and Swedish yet I am not even speaking them because there is no one to speak with.

I sometimes feel like the Ancient Greek tale of Sisyphus--the Greek king who was condemned to roll a stone up a hill and have it roll back down, then have to repeat. I honestly feel that people in general are not seeing the positives of me. All they see is this weird virgin single nerd who is dressed like he came back from the 1969 Woodstock festival.

Usually about my personality, my weirdness, or whatever. I often receive comments about how I appear off, weird, aloof, awkward, etc. Apart from the virgin and single comments, then I get snide comments because I am not in the tech industry and do not earn six figures like so many people at meetups.

The consistent complaints about my being single, awkward, etc. I really cannot see how I can change that.

I decided to live by own rules, but it means that even less people want to have anything to do with me. So I get stuck in a rut, part of why I am here in the first place.

While people can of course be snobs in Europe just as well as anywhere else the sort of blatant rudeness about not working in tech etc. is much less common I believe. You should go there or at least anywhere else you can have the company of fellow intellectuals rather than these tech jerks, they're clearly not your crowd

You seem like a very interesting and balanced person and I want to say rude mean things about these women (but I'll refrain because i'm better than that)

I would make a "better luck next time" chart. If someone advises you that a particular comment or quirk is offsetting, write it down and decide if it is something you can't compromise, something you can camoflauge, or something you can change. Authenticity is important, and too much camoflauging will leave a false impression and cause anxiety...bit there may be some things you can find a happy medium on.

I have a very flat voice, and I sometimes display the wrong facial expressions. I watch YouTube channels and movies to help with that if I'm speaking in public. If I'm lecturing, I will usually watch George Clooney movies the night before because I like his delivery and I collect Omega Watches. I think at a subconscious level people recognize the infliction in my voice and it is comforting to them. When I'm in a private or comfortable setting, I revert back to being flat me.

Have you tried multiple dating sites? I've found eHarmony and POF to be less materialistic. I know you didn't have good luck with Meetup, but I have met really nice women through the hiking and urban exploration meets. Outdoorsy women seem to be more down to Earth, and going to a Meetup that I find interesting and fun takes away the anxiety of meeting women.

Have you thought about doing translations for a law firm or victim advocacy group? It sounds like linguistics is your niche. If you are successful and confident in that field, you may find that some women are attracted to confidence and success.

First thing, the criticisms are often about my looks. For most of my adult life, I imitated this look:



Right now I have something like this look:



Since most people at meetups are rich and earn six or seven figures, they have a general dislike for the two men above. I am from a working-class background, and they often make passive-aggressive comments to me about it.

Unlike the two musicians in the pictures, I am not 100% White like they are. Which is another criticism that I get. I am mixed-race, and often I get criticised for not being 100% of my ethnicities. Since childhood the Chinese picked on me for being part Chinese and not 100%. Sometimes people from Latin American backgrounds say that I am odd for being part Spanish yet looking a bit off. Now although I still get that, everyone of any race tries to criticise me for my being mixed-race. So the race thing I really cannot avoid.

I think like you, I try to imitate a person to get some charisma. Since my mother's side is from a gruff, working-class background, I imitate those types of people. When talking lately I try to imitate the way that Bernie Sanders speaks. People often do not like it and say that I sound angry or abrasive or whatever. But I am just brutally honest and frank. I do not like rubbishing people and I am not going to change that.

I get made fun of for my voice. Like yours, it is flat, but mine is also very deep and low frequency. In other words, like an elephant or hippopotamus making noises. Or if you know music, my voice sounds like a bass guitar. Very deep and low and often people cannot hear it.

I have accounts open on OKCupid, Tinder, Cove and Bumble. I tried Match before, but it was useless if you could not pay the membership fee. Not that the above four are any better. I have never met anyone in person from dating apps.

With dating apps, I have only gotten less than five likes in four years here in San Francisco with an extended radius of something like 100 mi. When I change my location I get a lot more likes. It does not matter though, since I cannot meet them in person if they are in another country. But even then, I barely get conversations from matches.

It is curious that people say that I seem interesting on forums, but when I go to meetups I get called boring and weird.