How do aspies deal with breakups?

Page 1 of 2 [ 22 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

P1R
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 25 Sep 2019
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 9

25 Sep 2019, 11:09 am

So around 9 months ago, my "probably aspie" ex-GF and I broke up. While back then I was too busy doing some healing of my own, I always found myself curious to know how she'd handle it and I never thought about posting such question here.

How do you handle breakups? Was it worse when it was you 1st relationship? Does breaking up with you 1st sexual partner have some kind of impact?

Just curious to hear some feedback on this



shortfatbalduglyman
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Mar 2017
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,583

25 Sep 2019, 12:31 pm

This could just be about me, but , autism is comorbid with

Obsessive compulsive disorder
Depression
Anxiety

And (maybe) addictive personality


The world contains a lot of autistics

Some autistics deal with breakups better than others

But, all things equal, which they are not, it seems , to me, that autistics deal with breakups slower and worse than neurotypicals



SharonB
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jul 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,546

25 Sep 2019, 2:02 pm

In college I broke up with one (my "first") and I had one person break up with me (a fling). Both were surprised by my response: "OK, all done, friends?" They both thought I should be more upset. That said, I was generally depressed. I live VERY much in the moment, so current loss has felt this way: "I should be upset. I'm not upset. But I am. But not really. Maybe later."



Homer_Bob
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jan 2009
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,559
Location: New England

25 Sep 2019, 5:28 pm

I got a feeling ghosting is a pretty common way they deal with it.


_________________
"The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. The best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes."


Kitty4670
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Nov 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,599
Location: California,USA

26 Sep 2019, 1:01 am

I recently broke up with my NT boyfriend, I’m doing ok.


_________________
You are my shining star that shine so bright that guide me to the light, so keep on rockin', cuz That's Rock and Roll


Raphael F
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 22 Aug 2019
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 333
Location: England

26 Sep 2019, 10:22 am

How do I handle breakups? Badly.

Is the first one worse? No, because every break-up is the end of the world and the most terrible mistake that's ever happened in the whole history of hormones.

Occasionally I've dealt calmly with a break-up, only to be accused of being cold and unemotional. Can't win!

So, when you ask, "How do YOU handle break-ups?", I wonder if you're the officially appointed spokesperson for the NT world, and if so, how well would you say NT people typically handle break-ups?


_________________
You can't be proud of being Neurodivergent, because it isn't something you've done: you can only be proud of not being ashamed. (paraphrasing Quentin Crisp)


Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 42,299
Location: Stendec

26 Sep 2019, 10:25 am

The first breakup left me feeling physically ill for weeks. The last breakup affected me so little that I just smiled, said "Goodbye" and "Good luck" and walked away without looking back.

Strange how the majority of breakups I experienced involved a woman issuing a "My Way or the Highway" ultimatum. I've learned that it is better for me in the long term to take the "Highway" option every time, than to submit to the sadistic whims of a narcissistic loser forever.


_________________
"I must acknowledge, once and for all, that the purpose of diplomacy is to prolong a crisis."
-- Leonard Nimoy as Mr. Spock, in the Star Trek episode "The Mark of Gideon" (ep. 3.16, 1969)


Lely
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 31 Jul 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 181

26 Sep 2019, 12:24 pm

P1R wrote:
So around 9 months ago, my "probably aspie" ex-GF and I broke up. While back then I was too busy doing some healing of my own, I always found myself curious to know how she'd handle it and I never thought about posting such question here.

How do you handle breakups? Was it worse when it was you 1st relationship? Does breaking up with you 1st sexual partner have some kind of impact?

Just curious to hear some feedback on this


Would you want her to have felt particularly bad because in your other thread you say you hate her? Do you want to hear she suffers and that is why you came onto this forum?
She was 28, she probably already had many crushes on other guys before you and probably felt some form of emotional heartache at least when her crushes weren't reciprocated. I think by the time she is 28 she is already a bit old for being too strongly impacted in the long run by the end of a short relationship just because it was her first relationship. You wrote in your other thread she said was crying all the time during the relationship with you, so at least she isn't crying anymore because of you now. Maybe if she was already 28 years old she just decided to settle for you because she couldn't find anybody else? We don't know enough and don't know her side of the story.

Why would it matter that you were her first sexual relationship? Were you a good sexual partner for her? Do you think she will miss sex with you? If you were able to satisfy her, maybe she looks back but she is young and can find other men to sleep with in the future. Tbh when I had sex with the first bf I was so disappointed that I bought myself a vibrator.

Was your first break up the worst or why are you asking these questions?
Did the first girl you sleep with hurt you particularly or leave a lasting impact?
Do you hope your ex will look back on you and miss you because it would help your ego to get over the fact that she dumped you? Many people, on the spectrum or not, go through much worse breakups than caused by another girl sipping from your beer. I'm sure she's processed it by now. I think you should move on too. :) I'm glad to hear you found a NT girlfriend that you are happier with. Now all you have to do is stop thinking so much about your ex.



League_Girl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 23,771
Location: Pacific Northwest

26 Sep 2019, 12:33 pm

P1R wrote:
So around 9 months ago, my "probably aspie" ex-GF and I broke up. While back then I was too busy doing some healing of my own, I always found myself curious to know how she'd handle it and I never thought about posting such question here.

How do you handle breakups? Was it worse when it was you 1st relationship? Does breaking up with you 1st sexual partner have some kind of impact?

Just curious to hear some feedback on this



How I would deal with a break up:

List all the bad qualities about them and tell myself why I am better off without them and that I need to find a better guy who won't do these things.

Fortunately both my ex's were jerks so it was very easy to write them off and be convinced why things were better for me without them.


If your partner was not understanding of your sensory issues, that you don't understand subtle hints, you need them to be direct and spell things out for you, not expect you to mind read, etc. then you tell yourself you need to find someone who actually accepts you and won't do these things to you. You tell yourself your ex needed someone who was more socially intelligent and wants someone who can play the game and you both were not compatible.


_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed.

Daughter: NT, no diagnoses.


P1R
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 25 Sep 2019
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 9

26 Sep 2019, 1:33 pm

Raphael F wrote:
How do I handle breakups? Badly.

So, when you ask, "How do YOU handle break-ups?", I wonder if you're the officially appointed spokesperson for the NT world, and if so, how well would you say NT people typically handle break-ups?


They suck at handling them, myself included. Personally I just focus on myself trying to improve different areas f my life, learning new things, pick up new hobbies just to get your mind off said person. The usual stuff.

My question comes from a conversation with a programmer I casually know who's an aspie and has only has one relationship in his life. He had a pretty torrid time with it since he "got used to having the other person as part of his life", which is pretty much your typical breakup, except it sound way more traumatizing in his words



P1R
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 25 Sep 2019
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 9

26 Sep 2019, 1:45 pm

Lely wrote:
You wrote in your other thread she said was crying all the time during the relationship with you, so at least she isn't crying anymore because of you now.


God no! I didn't mean all the time, literally in her own words it was twice during the "bad part" 23-14 days of the relationship.

As I mentioned in the other post, the reason my ex crossed my mind is because she works in the same building I since about 4 months, so thinking about her literally happen every now and then. Also, I met up with some friends who visited who knew her as my last GF so I went over the whole thing the day I posted.

While I have a NT GF now, going over the past relationship just made me think perhaps I didn't consider the "potentially autistic" angle while I was with my ex or post-breakup. The whole experience wouldn't keep me from dating someone within the spectrum in the future, especially if they are aware of it, unlike my ex who could have been 100% NT or an aspie but never showed any interest in finding out or never told me otherwise, which would have been odd considering her overall openness towards me.

Consider me just one really curious guy who happens to know this site exists because 9 years ago he himself thought he could be on the spectrum



Lely
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 31 Jul 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 181

26 Sep 2019, 1:59 pm

P1R wrote:
unlike my ex who could have been 100% NT or an aspie but never showed any interest in finding out or never told me otherwise, which would have been odd considering her overall openness towards me.

Did you tell her that you think she is autistic?
Maybe she just didn't know it herself?



P1R
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 25 Sep 2019
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 9

26 Sep 2019, 2:18 pm

Never did so, she was very closed off, introverted and wouldn't say much about anything on the side of emotions or feelings, I think me asking would have made her feel bad and since we were doing great I never cared.

About 2 weeks before breaking up she opened up a lot to me on several things and "traumas" in her life, which I really appreciated as I believe she trusted me on some things even more than her own family and held pretty much the same level of love right after them.

This only became relevant in hindsight as a "Oh, maybe that's why things went so wrong so quickly" kind of thing.



GiantHockeyFan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,293

27 Sep 2019, 7:19 am

P1R wrote:
How do you handle breakups? Was it worse when it was you 1st relationship? Does breaking up with you 1st sexual partner have some kind of impact?

Just curious to hear some feedback on this

The worst one was definitely the first one. On paper she was an awful girlfriend: unemployed, lazy, took poor care of herself, never listened to my countless suggestions for self-improvement, complained constantly, highly impulsive and immature, etc so I thought a breakup would be easy. Nope! I tried 5 times to break it up but by the 6th time I literally dumped all her stuff on her parent's driveway, wrote her an email and planned to never look back.

Turns out she was like a drug. I knew she was toxic and was getting worse but I kept her around anyway and accepted that she might do something bad right up to murdering me one day in a fit of rage. Sounds crazy but when you face rejection your whole life you cling onto relationships for dear life especially when she begged me to take her back and promised to change (lasted about a week before the crazy mask fell off again). I really thought she was the one after the first couple of months until the craziness came out and like any bullied person, automatically assumed her rage attacks were my fault. Long story short this relationship really @#$#@ me up even going into my marriage and I know realize she was fake: her love for me, her passion for my interests were all lies.

The second one was almost as bad because she appeared to be the dream woman: employed in a field she loved, incredibly kind to children (I knew she would be an amazing mother), well liked lots of friends who seemed to like me and a nearly identical personality to mine (later found out she was also bullied severely and had bad anxiety like me). She seemed a bit distant so I poured my heart out to her and she broke it off a week later. At the time I could only presume I blew my only opportunity for marriage (the matches on eHarmony at this point were absolute garbage) but it turns out she just wasn't attracted to men in general and later married her best female friend. I really thought we still could have been good friends but I haven't seen her in many years. Too bad. In hindsight it was obvious she was uncomfortable being alone with me and maybe I missed the cues but she could have just talked to me like an adult about it and had a more amicable breakup.

On a side note: I later got an email from the first where she outlines how she was too good for someone toxic like me, she felt sorry for me and she is confidently moving on with her life. I don't think I have ever laughed so hard in my life! Last I checked she was on boyfriend #10 and still doesn't have a steady job.



nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 23,292
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA

27 Sep 2019, 8:25 am

From what I've read on this forum, some Aspies become burnt out after they're in a relationship for a while. The Aspie may of been very happy to have a relationship at 1st but the Aspie quickly starts to desire more alone time & independence that the Aspie used to have before he/she was in a relationship. In these situations the Aspie sometimes breaks up with their partner, starts ghosting their partner, or develops the you can take me as I am on leave me attitude with their partner. In these cases I don't think the Aspie is usually that bothered & upset by the breakup & the Aspie would probably just go on with his/her life as it was before he/she got in the relationship. In some of these cases I don't know why the Aspie was willing or wanted to get in relationship in the 1st place instead of just continuing to happily embrace the single lifestyle. However NOT all Aspies are like that thou & some become pretty obsessed & are pretty hung up on the breakup or rejection in general. There's also lots of middle ground & inbetween with Aspies as well. I fall into the obsessed & hung up type. I'm actually the opposite of the stereotypical Aspie within a relationship cuz I LOVE being close & affectionate with my partner & me being clingy & needy were actually some of the reasons for my 1st two breakups.

I did NOT handle my 1st breakup well at all. I was developing a psychotic depression towards the end of our relationship. Emily had a history of drug & alcohol issues that she was trying to quit when we got together but fell back into old habits. She got into some trouble which caused me to majorly worry about her. I became very controlling & demanding as a result of BAD anxiety & OCD causing me to worry & have panic attacks. I became controlling & demanding which lead to lots of fights & our breakup was mutual. Shortly after we broke up she was bragging online about how she drank so much she had to get her stomach pumped & i flipped out & slashed my arm 9x & had to go to the ER cuz it was after doc office hours. I started seeing a psychiatrist after that & spent the next 5 years taking meds for a psychotic depression & trying to work on my life. I was very hung up on things & very depressed for quite a while. I think part of the reason I handled the breakup so bad is cuz Emily was the 1st person I ever really felt I connected with & related to. We had a strong connection & had a very close friendship before she told me she liked me. I also felt like a parent with her at times cuz of her issues & her being a lot younger than me.

I was very desperate to have another relationship but I couldn't even get so much as a single date during the next 8 years after our breakup. I got in my 2nd relationship after being single for 8 years & we sorta jumped into a relationship. Things were a bit smoother in some ways but I was still somewhat needy & controlling & she was very independent or at least wanted to be. We were having lots of fights but some of them were cuz I felt like our relationship was one-sided(her side). I gave her space for a couple weeks so she could study for her exams/midterms & when we chatted again after they were over, she broke up with me. Part of the reason she broke up with me was cuz it would of been a while before we could of moved in together & our relationship was long distance. She was still in college & dependent on her parents to help her out financially & they would of cut her off if we would of gotten married or even moved in together. My Social Security Disability wasn't enough to support both of us & a place for us to live. I was willing to wait a bit longer but she wasn't partly cuz her conservative parents wanted the relationship on their terms & I wasn't allowed to stay at her apartment, we had to stay together at her house with her parents. I handled this breakup a lot better. In some ways I guess I kinda saw the breakup coming & really did feel like she might be a lot better off without me & I didn't need to worry about her as much as Emily. I also realized my anxiety & OCD had been problems within both relationships & I believed my OCD was making it harder to get over things. I researched anxiety & OCD medication & started a couple meds around the time my 2nd relationship ended which I think made things a tad easier to deal with. I also got in my current relationship a few months later which is also making things easier for me to deal with in some ways.

I still really miss both my exes & really love em but I accept things are over & that we cant be in each other's lives. I really hope they're both OK.

As for as being sexual goes. I only cybered with both my exes & my current girlfriend is the only one I've been sexual with offline.


_________________
But I don't want to go among mad people, Alice remarked.
Oh, you can't help that, said the Cat: we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
How do you know I'm mad? said Alice.
You must be, said the Cat, or you wouldn't have come here.


shortfatbalduglyman
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Mar 2017
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,583

27 Sep 2019, 10:22 am

Even friend relationships take years to get over


Seven years and counting


Sometimes see any Lee scheel b***h on the street


Her attitude is still so f*****g innocent


Like she has never done anything wrong before



f**k Amy Lee scheel b***h