A connection that burned out... the love that never was

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Anyone ever had this experience?

I met a man on OKCupid last month. We immediately connected and within a very short amount of time, we were having deeply personal conversations that would last all day. He wanted to meet me immediately, so a few days later, he took me out on a date in Central Park. Right before the date, he deleted his profile. He had written in one of his essays that he would soon leave the website because his time for dating would be limited, due to new things happening for him in the workplace.

We met at 5pm and ended up leaving at 3am. This wasn't a date so much as it was an absolute whirlwind. The chemistry was insane.... it was by far the most emotionally intimate interaction I've ever had with anyone. Nobody has ever been this open with me. He wanted to know all about my deepest insecurities. He said that he accepted me unconditionally and thought I was wonderful exactly the way I was. He said that we were on the exact same wavelength, that we truly got each other and that it is so rare to find this connection. And that I will find my courage as an artist and as a person once I completely allow myself to surrender to someone else. I have never experienced anything remotely close to this in my whole life. He kissed me by the water and everything was so magical. At the end of the date, he told me he wanted to take me out again the very next night, but there was a good chance he wouldn't be able to because he just started a new job and would probably have to work overtime (he is a solar panel salesman whose company apparently has on-call staffing procedures -- basically, he has no control over his hours and he is required to work into the night unless they decide to let him off early)

This all happened last Thursday (August the 29th). Since then, he has stayed in touch over text but not made any real plans to see me again. He had to leave town for half of the week, and I'm guessing he was overwhelmed with his new job all the rest of the time. Two days ago, he texted me in the morning letting me know that he might be available in the evening. I waited all day but heard nothing. At 11pm, he sent me a message: not tonight. I asked him whether we would meet another night, and he said yeah. I said, when are you free? Do you get days off? He lets me know that his off days are unpredictable. So I tell him that it would be really cool to see him on an off day, even if it's unpredictable. Shoot me a message and we can try to arrange something.

It has been 36 hours and he has not responded.

I get that he's busy, but it's not like he's working in a sweatshop. He will get a day off and when he does, he can reach out and try to schedule something with me if he really wanted to. But I have a niggling feeling that he won't.
I feel so very abandoned. I think he doesn't want to date me after all, and now he's fading away. Ordinarily I would never get so upset and worked up over one date, but this was different. It's really really really hard to make yourself so vulnerable for someone who is not going to be there for you. He spent the entire night trying to cut through my defenses and saying over and over again, please trust me. Please give me a chance. Please let me in. And I did because I thought maybe this was the real deal. And now he's disappearing. This is just so crushing. I really thought this time would be the time, but it isn't. It just slipped out of my fingers. It's like someone gives you a bite of their cookie, then they snatch it back from you and kick you instead.

Its only been a little over a week, since you first met in person then?

Sounds like he has long and unpredictable hours, he is probably tired when he gets off to. I'd recommend being a bit patient, he has expressed he wants to see you again...so give it a little more time before worrying so much. There is nothing in your post that indicates he's totally lost interest seems more feasible he is very busy like he said.

Maybe things will not work out with him, but seems much to early too early to say.

Narcissists often work this way, breaking down their partner's defences by love-bombing on excessively romantic first dates, and hoping you will feel starved for their emotional attention when they pull away. This is one of the tactics they use to keep people interested and intrigued. (Think: puppet master). I am not in any way suggesting that he is doing this because I don't know enough about him, but please keep it in mind.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog ... ret-weapon

I've seen this form of baiting happen to many good people who, in hindsight, realise the relationship started out as "too good to be true" before it changed to a relationship based on insecurity.

I hope I'm wrong and that he is just busy, but please beware.

Seems some people skipped over the part where he just started a job with long unpredictable hours, and its only been a little over a week since you first met in person. If he didn't just start that job or he was seeing you often and then suddenly not contacting you or seeing you and offered no reasonable explanation then maybe it would be more reasonable to suspect ill intentions, but he probably really is just busy. It doesn't seem he is pulling away, more like the job is taking a lot of his time and energy especially since he just started.

That's very true, Sweetleaf. I hope you're right, and one date is certainly different than a pattern of love-bombing over time.

I was looking at the OP's last paragraph, where she expresses insecurity and a gut feeling that he is stringing her along.

I hope he's sincere and that everything proceeds happily for them.

I tried OkCupid and I hated it. I recently tried another dating site and the only two women in my area I not only find unattractive but they haven’t even logged in for months now. I shouldn’t have bothered since I swore off dating sites a long time ago.

Friendly teasing: Impatient for love?

BTDT.

Last month I read my college emails to my then-boyfriend, we were also real-time chatting if we could. Each "near miss" was painful for me. If I saw he was online but we couldn't communicate: I was very distressed. It got to the point where I stopped emailing because the "waiting" was intolerable for me.

Fast forward 25 years I ask my husband (different man) has to set my expectations very specifically: "I will be home x and if not, I will contact you to reset expectations". If we have a miscommunication or he forgets ---I'm not proud of this but it's the truth--- I meltdown.

OK, so last night I read in the book "Self-Reg" that WAITING is one of the big stressors in life. It sucks up LOTS of spoons. So, I think you have something going here and there is Uncertainty and your part is to regulate your emotions around the "waiting" and retain or replenish your spoons. Yes, do what you can to avoid the "edge" of waiting. All the good stuff for self regulating, your special interests, soothing or physical activities, etc.

And I'll do the same (as best I can).

We met again on Tuesday night. We had another long date which was even more intense than the first.... I didn't even realize that that could be possible.

We started out by talking on the phone. I gotta say I felt (and I think still feel) pretty insecure about how long it took him to invite me out again. It was nearly 2 weeks since our first date, and he mentioned some fun things he did (working on his poetry and going on a refreshing evening bike ride) which shows he obviously wasn't quite as busy as I imagined he was. However, it is entirely possible that he was waiting for an evening to turn up in his schedule where he could spend many hours with me again and not have to get up early for work the next day. When I asked him what he had in mind for us to do together, he wanted to take me out on another nighttime walk.... he wasn't interested in doing a typical date activity like dinner or a movie. It's pretty obvious to me that he was trying to pick up things where we last left off in Central Park. He suggests biking up to my neighborhood, but he will only do so if I really really want him there.

So at 9pm, we meet up in a little park near where I live and spend two hours talking in an emotionally intimate manner. We come back to my place and continue talking for another hour. Then things get really hot and heavy. We spend a lot of time kissing passionately, but he is reluctant to go further than that because "it might be too much too fast for me." We eventually end up doing a lot more stuff (though no sex). I'm not sure what to make of his behavior. He would get super super super into it, and then suddenly pull back and say "it's too much! too fast!" and then have to take a little break because he was so emotionally overwhelmed. A few minutes later, he'd suddenly come back and be even more into it than he was before. Then he'd have to take another break.

I was actually getting worried because I wasn't entirely sure if he was OK. I look over and his eyes are filled with tears. I let him know that we can slow things down, and it's really important to me that he not be uncomfortable. He thanks me for caring and says that he will let me know if he truly can't handle it. And that "being overwhelmed isn't always a bad thing." Around 3am, we decide to turn the lights off and sleep (or pretend to sleep). Throughout much of the night, he is clutching onto me as he sleeps. I get up once to go pee and he whines "Where are you going???"

Wednesday morning, we continue to fool around again. By now he is much more relaxed and seems to have worked through whatever he was dealing with. He leaves around 10:30am to go to work. He kisses my hand and says "see you soon" before getting on his bike. After he leaves, I send him a text message telling him that I had a nice time last night and I enjoyed being with him. He responds by saying it was very nice being with me, too. Yesterday afternoon he sent me a message asking "you really enjoyed it?" I told him oh yes, I really did. That I loved his touch and loved talking with him. No response since.

I really don't know if I will ever see him again. I'm not sure what it is that he wants from me, but it seems like opening up sexually was quite vulnerable for him. (On the OKCupid questionnaire, he said he had never had a one-night stand and was not open to a casual sex relationship. However, "casual sex" can mean different things to different people) Though he doesn't strike me as someone who is afraid of feelings, I have a feeling he may pull away from me. Which is a bummer. It makes me so sad to think that someone who has truly seen me could whirl into my life like a tornado and then immediately whirl out. Right now, I am going to give him time and space in case he may need to process his feelings about the night. But I am thinking he might never reach out again.

Has anyone ever had an experience like this? Does all this intensity/emotional intimacy happening so fast usually amount to nothing?

He might be overwhelmed and stressed out. Usually when I am I tend to push people away and want to be alone, even with people I care about. He might be one of those types. I know I've definitely didn't hold up communication with people on my end when I was stressed and depressed. It could be that, or he could be ghosting - it's hard to say at this stage. Give him a couple of weeks to adjust. If he's still not really communicating with you in the next couple of weeks I'd cut my losses. I'm sorry.

I heard nothing from him for 4 days straight. Last night, he finally responded to my message by telling me that "I love talking with you too." When I asked him how he'd feel if I said that I wanted to see him again, he just said "that might be nice."

I am really really really really crushed. So depressed I'm literally shaking right now. It's quite obvious that he doesn't want a third date. Really don't know how or if I will find another connection like this ever again. It was so far away from everything I've experienced.... literally the only time an interesting, smart, attractive guy my age ever gave me the time of day. And it all went away as quickly as it came.