Can Aspergers/High Functioning Autism be a deal breaker?

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How does men having Aspergers/High Functioning Autism affect them as a dating prospect?
Definite dealbreaker: On principle I would only date a neurotypical man irrespective of any other factors 17%  17%  [ 2 ]
Substantial negative effect: Other factors need to be overwhelmingly positive 17%  17%  [ 2 ]
Somewhat negative: it makes it less likely but not impossible 17%  17%  [ 2 ]
Neutral 25%  25%  [ 3 ]
Positive 17%  17%  [ 2 ]
Very Positive 8%  8%  [ 1 ]
Total votes : 12

SSJ4_PrestonGarvey
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14 Oct 2019, 7:05 pm

Can a man having Aspergers/High Functioning Autism be a deal breaker or make someone who you'd otherwise consider, become a non-starter? Let's assume proactive efforts are being made by them, with average levels of results since the worst case scenario is not compelling to ask about and the best case scenario isn't realistic for most individuals.

Let's also assume some potential degree of compatibility, ie making a favorable impression at the bar or whichever applicable situation but: It comes up that they have Aspergers or maybe it comes up later on OR you were simply able to identify them as such without being told.


I am curious about female perspective on this about men because at least for me & friends it's not any kind of negative at all if women have it. Please feel free to answer honestly, I will only ask for clarifications to improve my understanding. I am not interested in criticising others.


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IsabellaLinton
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14 Oct 2019, 7:09 pm

Of course it depends on the individual because there can be autistic men who are well suited for their partners, and autistic men who are jerks or not suited for their partners. This of course goes both ways and applies to women as well. For myself, I am only interested in neurodiverse men. I wouldn't be able to keep up with an NT / Allistic guy socially or in terms of their lifestyles and communication style. I know I'm generalising, but so is this question. :P



kraftiekortie
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14 Oct 2019, 7:31 pm

It depends on the woman.



SSJ4_PrestonGarvey
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14 Oct 2019, 7:40 pm

When asked another way: Is it a conceivable scenario for you to date a man who has Aspergers?

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Of course it depends on the individual because there can be autistic men who are well suited for their partners, and autistic men who are jerks or not suited for their partners. This of course goes both ways and applies to women as well. For myself, I am only interested in neurodiverse men. I wouldn't be able to keep up with an NT / Allistic guy socially or in terms of their lifestyles and communication style. I know I'm generalising, but so is this question. :P

It is a bit difficult since I didn't want to make it a big wall of text or be overly bogged down to highly specific scenarios(in which case I think personal biases I might have could have entered it and overtaken the intended topic). I decided to frame some assumptions since if there's no compatibility and no positives for an individual then there's no chance for them, irrespective of having Asperger or not.

The frame I am going for is: Range of Possibility

kraftiekortie wrote:
It depends on the woman.

True.

If I am experiencing some issues but also making some reasonable efforts to improve do any chances exist? For my specific case I have worked out some plans that are feasible and attainable, yet will be middling outcomes in the scheme of things(ie. I can do some college and then go for job in disability office, will be like $40k gross).

Off topic: I think my account is probably flagged somehow(Spam bot flag?), I have to do Captchas to make post or preview post. Come to think of it I believe this is exactly why I've been gone from here for so long. Posting this here in case it won't allow me to post again


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The Grand Inquisitor
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14 Oct 2019, 11:59 pm

Given that this is an autism/aspergers support forum, and most of the women here are on the spectrum themselves (or suspect they are), I don't think many of them would be likely to say that having autism is a deal-breaker, as that would be somewhat hypocritical to expect someone to date you in spite of your autism while turning others down for theirs.

Unless you're mainly interested in the opinions of women on the spectrum, asking here isn't going to give you the best gauge of how women in the general population feel about dating a man on the spectrum. I'm sure that there'd be at least a tad fewer women in the general population who would be open to dating an aspie man than there are on here.



kraftiekortie
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15 Oct 2019, 12:01 am

It could be a dealbreaker....but only for superficial people.



The Grand Inquisitor
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15 Oct 2019, 12:05 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
It could be a dealbreaker....but only for superficial people.

It could be a deal-breaker for people who've had bad experiences in relationships with people on the spectrum, or for people who are just straight-up prejudging us because of whatever negative stereotypes they've heard, or for people who are looking for partners with traits that people on the spectrum generally don't have.

If you want an extroverted guy with great social skills, someone with autism probably isn't your first choice.



IsabellaLinton
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15 Oct 2019, 12:07 am

SSJ4_PrestonGarvey wrote:
When asked another way: Is it a conceivable scenario for you to date a man who has Aspergers?


100%, Aspergers or Autistic.



kraftiekortie
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15 Oct 2019, 5:18 am

Many women, in my experience, don’t necessarily dig extroverted guys—because they are extroverted themselves, and feel they need an introverted guy as sort of a complement.



Last edited by kraftiekortie on 15 Oct 2019, 9:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

shortfatbalduglyman
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15 Oct 2019, 7:49 am

It could make it easier to bond socially, if because we are both autistic (good)

It could cause more "miscommunication" (bad)



SSJ4_PrestonGarvey
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15 Oct 2019, 7:36 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Many women, in my experience, don’t necessarily dig extroverted guys—because they are extroverted themselves, and feel they need an introverted guy as sort of a complement.

Pretty neat, I actually feel the same way but the opposite. Introverted guy, believes an extroverted women may be a great complement. Nothing against introverts but it might simply be easier for me to be on the same page if they're extroverted rather than very quiet.

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
It could make it easier to bond socially, if because we are both autistic (good)

It could cause more "miscommunication" (bad)

Regarding the miscommunication I personally assume it'll be inevitable regardless, even NT couples experience it so what matters is how it's dealt with. I am prepared to try to be patient and be willing to communicate. I believe miscommunication needn't be awful if both partners are willing to cooperate.

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Given that this is an autism/aspergers support forum, and most of the women here are on the spectrum themselves (or suspect they are), I don't think many of them would be likely to say that having autism is a deal-breaker, as that would be somewhat hypocritical to expect someone to date you in spite of your autism while turning others down for theirs.

Unless you're mainly interested in the opinions of women on the spectrum, asking here isn't going to give you the best gauge of how women in the general population feel about dating a man on the spectrum. I'm sure that there'd be at least a tad fewer women in the general population who would be open to dating an aspie man than there are on here.

True but it is still relevant with respect to range of possibility. I'm fully open to the idea of dating women on the spectrum so their views are completely valid to me. I at least posit a hypothesis that it may be less likely to be a huge problem for women on the spectrum compared to NT women.

Another big issue is other platforms can be really hostile towards those with Aspergers/Autism. On Reddit for instance, Autism is used as an insult term and Aspergers as a more intense form usually to imply a link to "Forever Alones" or some specific individuals(Specifics omitted because it's logical to assume it to be an Off Limits topic). It seems socially acceptable and indeed normalized to do since reporting such comments usually doesn't do anything unless the subreddit is highly strict or formal(In which case they probably delete for topicality reasons). I believed I would most likely get nothing but crude humor if I created this thread on Reddit. I want to pose this as a serious question and receive candid answers.

Basically I re-found this website and re-read my old posts. I have gone through with some of my plans and can see some end paths for others. My life can at least be one of average outcomes, it's not going to be all worst case scenarios, though I can never not be on the spectrum. I have moved away from the toxic setting I used to live in, and though timing didn't currently allow for it I can go to a local college. Where on good advice I can pursue some reasonably easy qualifications to get a government job to work for disability office though it will be average at best income. I could do part time and make probably ~$30k/year, including being supplemented by disability. Or full time probably in the 40k's(which would mean going off of disability if as a single adult), one drawback is it's basically flat progression unless promotion happens. The disability amount does go up if I become supporter of a child at least, so it might end up meaning I can earn $40k and be part time. Plus whatever my partner would earn, and i think there's some child care credits so even if they do not work likely it'll be 50k. Which should be livable, though not glamorous it won't be poverty. I am open to having kids or not having kids, though I'd want to at least take enough budgetary initiative to first determine that we can in fact feed them. The general impression I get is reasonable women simply don't want to end up on poverty/raise children in poverty due to their choice of partner.

Presumably a man of average outcomes should have some possibilities for relationship outcomes. I don't buy the 80-20 as a factual and fully comprehensive explanation. My current theory is that Zero Possibilities is not the norm for men although I don't know how intensely Aspergers is a factor. I would definitely call it non-zero in the absence of having Aspergers, however with it I am uncertain. I believe it's not fully impossible I am just unaware of where the scale of probability lies? Is it more or less likely than finding another habitable planet like Earth or other civilizations to exist/have exist?

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
It could be a dealbreaker....but only for superficial people.

It could be a deal-breaker for people who've had bad experiences in relationships with people on the spectrum, or for people who are just straight-up prejudging us because of whatever negative stereotypes they've heard, or for people who are looking for partners with traits that people on the spectrum generally don't have.

If you want an extroverted guy with great social skills, someone with autism probably isn't your first choice.

All true. Hence the focus on Range of Possibility, though I figured asking in a very literal manner would be too limiting to discussion. The core question is does the possibility of a relationship exist for me? Can this possibility be called absurd or realistic? Or is Aspergers that which pushes the possibility beyond the event horizon? In the rest of my life it's conceivable that I could spend 100,000 hours(which would be most waking hours over the next 30 years) on activities directly towards or contributing towards a relationship, would this be a wasteful endeavour?


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martianprincess
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15 Oct 2019, 7:57 pm

Not necessarily a deal breaker. I assess other compatibility factors before I think about the autism thing.


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15 Oct 2019, 11:15 pm

Whether a man has Aspergers or not is fairly irrelevant to me. Rather him having it might intrigue me to is degree since I do also.

There are times when ones Aspergers might create or exacerbate some undesirable traits. But because it would something that would vary person to person, I wouldn't discriminate based on Aspergers alone.


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15 Oct 2019, 11:23 pm

Not directly but the symptoms of unemployment and low social status are.


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SSJ4_PrestonGarvey
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16 Oct 2019, 12:17 am

Alterity wrote:
Whether a man has Aspergers or not is fairly irrelevant to me. Rather him having it might intrigue me to is degree since I do also.

There are times when ones Aspergers might create or exacerbate some undesirable traits. But because it would something that would vary person to person, I wouldn't discriminate based on Aspergers alone.

It definitely can. It's one reason why I try to embrace Introversion. I can kind of change either way towards extroversion or introversion but I find introversion best for me to reduce issues.

I would say that is also roughly how I feel about women with Aspergers, mostly it'd be intriguing though I guess also more chance for understanding. I have known a few other people with it and sometimes maybe could be some undesirable traits but I found mostly just needed a little more patience in communicating which for me is totally fine.

sly279 wrote:
Not directly but the symptoms of unemployment and low social status are.

Well $40K a year(with an eventual pension) is better than unemployed. This job path is pretty attainable since it's an assured job after 2 boring years of college in an non competitive program, it's super boring government desk job work but they are very tolerant of people with disabilities and even employ a lot already. Only drawback is basically no advancement possibilities besides going into management roles but advancement in general has been noted in studies to 90% come down to Soft Skills/Social Skills(10% being Core Competencies pertaining to job tasks) so I figure it's a moot point anyways. It's no mansion with a supercar but reality is most people can't have those things and not everyone gets to marry those who can easily have those things. It's a kind of money that while the kids won't get to be the fanciest in school they will have needs adequately met.

I think what reality is, is that most people need to be able to settle for someone of similar outcomes overall as them. For both genders, not everyone can have a fantasy life. I don't need supermodel and TBH I find everyday people to be more attractive since I'm not a fan of the supermodel look. I don't think of it in terms of stratification because I don't think life is that simple. I'm not convinced that all women say "I only want a fantasy man or no one". I believe that a subset comprised of 20% of women will end up with a subset comprised of 20% of men(monogamy is still the leading relationship format), and FWIW I don't personally believe that the remaining 80% are better off to write off everyone else and just remain alone. What makes sense to me is to see who's out there and try to make a connection.

Although even right now I am not at a worst case outcome since I am on SSDI which some can't get onto, I've got a place to live, etc. No Gentleman's Quarterly modeling deal but at least I got my BMI to a healthy range.


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16 Oct 2019, 1:49 am

Also note that the real sex ratio of active users in dating apps is probably 1 female to 10 males; don't believe their official stats they boost it with fake female profiles and dead profiles.

So their business scheme is based on males' desperation, the more the male stays the more they make money.

Dating app industry tried so hard to convince women to join in larger numbers, by offering them special privileges, free prices, security...etc.

But so far they failed miserably.