Page 2 of 5 [ 66 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next

magz
Forum Moderator
Forum Moderator

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jun 2017
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,776
Location: Poland

06 Nov 2019, 2:37 am

I can't tell you what if your primary goal is a relationship. Never been there.

Well, in some sense, when socializing with lots of IT students, I did have it in my mind that chances of finding a man compatibile with me would be highest among IT students... and in the meantime, I was having fun drinking beer and talking nerdy, sharing hobbies and meeting lots of valuable guys in non-romantic sense.

You know, I think the "you don't really meet any members of the opposite sex" is the biggest problem here. Why is it like that? You need to know some number people of opposite sex to be able to find someone compatibile with you.


_________________
Let's not confuse being normal with being mentally healthy.
***** ***


The Grand Inquisitor
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,221
Location: Australia

06 Nov 2019, 2:51 am

magz wrote:
You know, I think the "you don't really meet any members of the opposite sex" is the biggest problem here. Why is it like that? You need to know some number people of opposite sex to be able to find someone compatibile with you.

I just don't really have any avenue through which to meet like-minded women, or women in general, and I don't know where to go to meet women and make female friends.

To be fair, I don't meet that many new male friends or acquaintances either, but I'm fairly satisfied with the ones I have, so that's not really a problem.



magz
Forum Moderator
Forum Moderator

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jun 2017
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,776
Location: Poland

06 Nov 2019, 2:58 am

What is your mind like? Maybe we could brainstorm something.
I met my husband in a choir. A lot of couples formed there. My parents met on a trekking camp. Some my friends coupled up in church groups - of course you have to be religious for it. My sister met her boyfriend on some traditional dance fair.
The above are all interests that make you meet people. Everyone came here for the sake of itself, primarily.


_________________
Let's not confuse being normal with being mentally healthy.
***** ***


Mona Pereth
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Age: 62
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,378
Location: New York City (Queens)

06 Nov 2019, 4:20 am

QFT wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
As for why a lot of people (mainly, if not exclusively, heterosexuals) "don't want to combine friendship and dating," I really don't know. My guess is that this may be a leftover from the days of more-rigid gender roles and segregation of the sexes, when people just didn't have opposite-sex friends at all.


But the issue under discussion here is the situation where the two friends happen to be of opposite gender -- and the question is why is dating out of discussion. So the statement "well, its because opposite gender friendship isn't allowed" doesn't really address this -- after all, the two people under discussion clearly "do" have opposite gender friendship.

Yes they do. Nevertheless, my hypothesis is that their concepts of what both friendship and romantic relationships are, in the first place, inherits baggage from an earlier era of sex-segregated friendships (and heterosexual-only romantic relationships), resulting in a concept of both friendship and romantic relationships being such radically different things that one cannot (or should not) turn into the other.

Indeed I wonder if, to some people, the idea of a friendship turning into a romantic relationship might even feel a bit like incest. I don't know whether anyone actually feels that way, and in any case it's not logical. But some people have said things that led me to suspect that they feel that way.

QFT wrote:
However, I thought about the theory that "incorproated" what you said in a somewhat twisted way. Could it be that, in case of opposite gender friendship, the woman instinctively views a man as if he was a woman? In other words,

a) She continues to feel like opposite gender friendship isn't allowed
b) BUT her friendship with that *person* IS allowed since she doesn't view that *person* as an opposite gender any more?

If so, that would explain why the "person" in question is no longer a candidate to date her.

Possibly.

QFT wrote:
Now, the whole transgender thing started just a few years ago

No, the transgender community has existed for decades. See Timeline: A Look Back at the History of Transgender Visibility.

QFT wrote:
-- but the phenomenon of friend zone existed back in the 90-s and even earlier. So could it be that, even though people became "consciously" aware of transgender issues just recently, back in the 90-s they used to have the same exact thing going on unconsciously?

I remember I was confused with a girl back when I was a teen just because of my physical looks. So could it be that the friend zone thing is the same kind of phenomenon just more psychological dimension of it?

For some women, maybe, but probably not all or even most. I have no idea how many.


_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- My life as one of the many belatedly-diagnosed autistic older people.
- Queens discussion group on Meetup.com.


The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 29,660
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

07 Nov 2019, 10:03 am

I smell a dead horse.

Have mercy on it.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 71,246
Location: Queens, NYC

07 Nov 2019, 10:18 am

I would go out on a limb.....and say that most couples don't meet in situations where people are grouped together with the explicit purpose of meeting someone of the opposite (or same) sex.

Magz pointed this out very well when she told us how her parents, herself, and her friends met their "significant others."



Mountain Goat
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 May 2019
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,377
Location: Wales,UK Relationship: Single Interests: Trains AgeGroup: 40's FavouriteColor: Green Music: CyndiLauper

07 Nov 2019, 1:06 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I smell a dead horse.

Have mercy on it.



Poor thing...


_________________
Awaiting asessment. Neurodiverse 173/200. Neurotypical 21/200. Empathy 11/80. AQ 39. https://everything2.com/user/Zifendorf/ ... s/shutdown

Buton A Button B


magz
Forum Moderator
Forum Moderator

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jun 2017
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,776
Location: Poland

07 Nov 2019, 1:09 pm

Honestly, Boo, I believe you also meet your partners via shared interests.
Just your special interest is sex.


_________________
Let's not confuse being normal with being mentally healthy.
***** ***


SharonB
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jul 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,605

07 Nov 2019, 2:26 pm

I am a very feeling, hypersensitive person and I have always selected partners by physical attraction. My AS-BFF reports she has a limited set of feelings and is hyposensitive. All her partners have first been friends (briefly).

Me: My husband and I are going stronger than ever after 25 years so it worked fine for me. I wonder if I "turn off" my attraction towards friends or it's just not there? Many of my male friends were frustrated I would not pursue a romantic relationship with them. My current relationship is caring but turbulent at times.

BFF: I view her current boyfriend as a life companion. Her current relationship is stable at all times; I can't tell if it's caring (her BF won't be in the same room as me), it must be in its way.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 29,660
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

08 Nov 2019, 2:22 am

magz wrote:
Honestly, Boo, I believe you also meet your partners via shared interests.
Just your special interest is sex.


You are sexually objectifying me.



that1weirdgrrrl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Jul 2017
Age: 40
Gender: Female
Posts: 701
Location: Between my dreams and your fantasies

08 Nov 2019, 9:48 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
magz wrote:
Honestly, Boo, I believe you also meet your partners via shared interests.
Just your special interest is sex.


You are sexually objectifying me.


The forums are a lot more fun to read when you're around :lol:



magz
Forum Moderator
Forum Moderator

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jun 2017
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,776
Location: Poland

08 Nov 2019, 10:54 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
magz wrote:
Honestly, Boo, I believe you also meet your partners via shared interests.
Just your special interest is sex.

You are sexually objectifying me.

I'm sure you're objectively sexual.


_________________
Let's not confuse being normal with being mentally healthy.
***** ***


The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 29,660
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

09 Nov 2019, 3:57 am

magz wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
magz wrote:
Honestly, Boo, I believe you also meet your partners via shared interests.
Just your special interest is sex.

You are sexually objectifying me.

I'm sure you're objectively sexual.


I am Object-oriented sexual.



MaxE
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Sep 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,731
Location: Mid-Atlantic US

09 Nov 2019, 9:02 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
magz wrote:
I'm sure you're objectively sexual.


I am Object-oriented sexual.

I am functional sexual

(explanation forthcoming if requested)


_________________
My WP story


MaxE
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Sep 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,731
Location: Mid-Atlantic US

09 Nov 2019, 9:18 am

Fnord wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
(what Mona said)
I think it goes something like this:

• Acquaintances first, with intentions of eventually becoming friends.

• Friendship, with intentions of eventual romantic involvement.

• Romance, with intentions of eventually becoming lovers (or "In Love").

• Lovers (or "In Love"), with intentions of eventual commitment.

• Commitment.

It's easy to become stalled at any one step, especially if one or the other person finds the current arrangement satisfactory. Taking the relationship to the next level should always be a consideration, however, until full commitment is achieved or the relationship is broken off.

Well all my relationships and/or sexual liaisons that might not necessarily qualify as "relationships") began in the context of some sort of mating ritual. I never really had a "circle of friends" and I suspect a lot of males on the spectrum can say the same. I certainly never had close female friends that I can recall. To me the idea of having a good female friend who becomes a lover at some unspecified time down the road is completely alien.

I have to wonder whether everybody here (except for Boo) is being perfectly honest. Or it's possible that younger Aspies who were diagnosed in childhood were then put into situations where they were around others like themselves actually did have this opportunity, although I can also see a lot of problems with two Aspies connecting in this way. In my case, I was mostly seen as a person largely incapable of having close friends, except that in college I managed to mitigate some of the worst consequences of loneliness by joining a fraternity whose members were largely seen as a bunch of losers, and yes I did have a couple of friends there but they were male and I wasn't gay (some of them were though).

But in addition, from what I've seen of how females become romantically (and/or sexually) involved with males rarely has anything to do with what I would consider "friendship". In particular, a woman will meet somebody and feel physically attracted to him. If she is, she may (possibly) act on that feeling of attraction at that time. Now in TV and films, it's a common theme for two people who've known each other for years to unexpectedly fall in love (the most recent example of this that I've seen is the film "Yesterday") but it doesn't jibe in the least with my personal experience, despite many anecdotal examples to the contrary that are likely to be offered.


_________________
My WP story


The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 29,660
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

09 Nov 2019, 10:42 am

MaxE wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
magz wrote:
I'm sure you're objectively sexual.


I am Object-oriented sexual.

I am functional sexual

(explanation forthcoming if requested)


You are sexually Haskell?