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The Grand Inquisitor
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06 Nov 2019, 2:28 am

magz wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
I'm sure both approaches have resulted in relationships that last, and relationships that don't last, but the friends-first approach can be a challenge if you're specifically looking for a relationship.

This is true.
Friendship first works when you are looking for friendship first and you're content with being friends with that person in the first place.
Maybe with some dreams hovering at the back of your head but not much more in the beginning. Just comfortable with each other.

You can want a relationship and still be content being just friends with someone at least at first, but if your primary goal is to get a relationship, it just seems to make more sense to me to take a direct approach. If you're kinda just letting things happen as they may and you're not too worried about getting a relationship, and you meet a lot of members of the opposite sex, the friends-first thing could work, but if you specifically want a relationship and don't really meet any members of the opposite sex, the friends-first tactic doesn't seem like it would be very applicable.

I could probably count the amount of female friends or acquaintances I've interacted with in the past 6 months on one hand. I could also probably count the number of female acquaintances or friends I've made within the last 6 months on one hand. I could count the amount of close female friends I have on zero hands. I really don't meet many women and have no avenues to do so, so the friendship-first thing is a long shot for me anyway. Virtually impossible at this rate.



magz
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06 Nov 2019, 2:37 am

I can't tell you what if your primary goal is a relationship. Never been there.

Well, in some sense, when socializing with lots of IT students, I did have it in my mind that chances of finding a man compatibile with me would be highest among IT students... and in the meantime, I was having fun drinking beer and talking nerdy, sharing hobbies and meeting lots of valuable guys in non-romantic sense.

You know, I think the "you don't really meet any members of the opposite sex" is the biggest problem here. Why is it like that? You need to know some number people of opposite sex to be able to find someone compatibile with you.


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The Grand Inquisitor
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06 Nov 2019, 2:51 am

magz wrote:
You know, I think the "you don't really meet any members of the opposite sex" is the biggest problem here. Why is it like that? You need to know some number people of opposite sex to be able to find someone compatibile with you.

I just don't really have any avenue through which to meet like-minded women, or women in general, and I don't know where to go to meet women and make female friends.

To be fair, I don't meet that many new male friends or acquaintances either, but I'm fairly satisfied with the ones I have, so that's not really a problem.



magz
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06 Nov 2019, 2:58 am

What is your mind like? Maybe we could brainstorm something.
I met my husband in a choir. A lot of couples formed there. My parents met on a trekking camp. Some my friends coupled up in church groups - of course you have to be religious for it. My sister met her boyfriend on some traditional dance fair.
The above are all interests that make you meet people. Everyone came here for the sake of itself, primarily.


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Mona Pereth
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06 Nov 2019, 4:20 am

QFT wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
As for why a lot of people (mainly, if not exclusively, heterosexuals) "don't want to combine friendship and dating," I really don't know. My guess is that this may be a leftover from the days of more-rigid gender roles and segregation of the sexes, when people just didn't have opposite-sex friends at all.


But the issue under discussion here is the situation where the two friends happen to be of opposite gender -- and the question is why is dating out of discussion. So the statement "well, its because opposite gender friendship isn't allowed" doesn't really address this -- after all, the two people under discussion clearly "do" have opposite gender friendship.

Yes they do. Nevertheless, my hypothesis is that their concepts of what both friendship and romantic relationships are, in the first place, inherits baggage from an earlier era of sex-segregated friendships (and heterosexual-only romantic relationships), resulting in a concept of both friendship and romantic relationships being such radically different things that one cannot (or should not) turn into the other.

Indeed I wonder if, to some people, the idea of a friendship turning into a romantic relationship might even feel a bit like incest. I don't know whether anyone actually feels that way, and in any case it's not logical. But some people have said things that led me to suspect that they feel that way.

QFT wrote:
However, I thought about the theory that "incorproated" what you said in a somewhat twisted way. Could it be that, in case of opposite gender friendship, the woman instinctively views a man as if he was a woman? In other words,

a) She continues to feel like opposite gender friendship isn't allowed
b) BUT her friendship with that *person* IS allowed since she doesn't view that *person* as an opposite gender any more?

If so, that would explain why the "person" in question is no longer a candidate to date her.

Possibly.

QFT wrote:
Now, the whole transgender thing started just a few years ago

No, the transgender community has existed for decades. See Timeline: A Look Back at the History of Transgender Visibility.

QFT wrote:
-- but the phenomenon of friend zone existed back in the 90-s and even earlier. So could it be that, even though people became "consciously" aware of transgender issues just recently, back in the 90-s they used to have the same exact thing going on unconsciously?

I remember I was confused with a girl back when I was a teen just because of my physical looks. So could it be that the friend zone thing is the same kind of phenomenon just more psychological dimension of it?

For some women, maybe, but probably not all or even most. I have no idea how many.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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07 Nov 2019, 10:03 am

I smell a dead horse.

Have mercy on it.



kraftiekortie
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07 Nov 2019, 10:18 am

I would go out on a limb.....and say that most couples don't meet in situations where people are grouped together with the explicit purpose of meeting someone of the opposite (or same) sex.

Magz pointed this out very well when she told us how her parents, herself, and her friends met their "significant others."



Mountain Goat
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07 Nov 2019, 1:06 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I smell a dead horse.

Have mercy on it.



Poor thing...


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magz
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07 Nov 2019, 1:09 pm

Honestly, Boo, I believe you also meet your partners via shared interests.
Just your special interest is sex.


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SharonB
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07 Nov 2019, 2:26 pm

I am a very feeling, hypersensitive person and I have always selected partners by physical attraction. My AS-BFF reports she has a limited set of feelings and is hyposensitive. All her partners have first been friends (briefly).

Me: My husband and I are going stronger than ever after 25 years so it worked fine for me. I wonder if I "turn off" my attraction towards friends or it's just not there? Many of my male friends were frustrated I would not pursue a romantic relationship with them. My current relationship is caring but turbulent at times.

BFF: I view her current boyfriend as a life companion. Her current relationship is stable at all times; I can't tell if it's caring (her BF won't be in the same room as me), it must be in its way.



The_Face_of_Boo
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08 Nov 2019, 2:22 am

magz wrote:
Honestly, Boo, I believe you also meet your partners via shared interests.
Just your special interest is sex.


You are sexually objectifying me.



that1weirdgrrrl
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08 Nov 2019, 9:48 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
magz wrote:
Honestly, Boo, I believe you also meet your partners via shared interests.
Just your special interest is sex.


You are sexually objectifying me.


The forums are a lot more fun to read when you're around :lol:



magz
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08 Nov 2019, 10:54 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
magz wrote:
Honestly, Boo, I believe you also meet your partners via shared interests.
Just your special interest is sex.

You are sexually objectifying me.

I'm sure you're objectively sexual.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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09 Nov 2019, 3:57 am

magz wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
magz wrote:
Honestly, Boo, I believe you also meet your partners via shared interests.
Just your special interest is sex.

You are sexually objectifying me.

I'm sure you're objectively sexual.


I am Object-oriented sexual.



MaxE
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09 Nov 2019, 9:02 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
magz wrote:
I'm sure you're objectively sexual.


I am Object-oriented sexual.

I am functional sexual

(explanation forthcoming if requested)


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