In a loving relationship; Distracted by other women

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Hi everyone. This is my first post here. I have a story and possibly a question:

My girlfriend has known about my Aspergers since early on in our relationship. But she didn't know I was addicted to Internet porn. It had been something I'd been into for my entire teen and adult life (I'm 28 now). It caused a lot of problems in all my previous relationships in terms of arousal and attraction to my girlfriends over the years.

In short, for the first seven months of our relationship, we had immense trouble with sex. With her help, I quit porn cold turkey in December and haven't looked back. Eventually the ability to become aroused by a real life body and touch and not just an image returned to me. But I did a lot of psychological damage to her and her self image in the meantime.

Although that aspect has dramatically improved, there's still another problem.

I get constantly distracted by skinny, attractive women. If I am out and I see one, I am sort of subconsciously compelled to look. I don't act creepy or usually ogle. And I don't want to be one of 'those guys'. I consider myself a feminist and I know I'm not literally compelled to glance at women, but it often feels that way.

But my girlfriend started noticing about the time our sex life nosedived and it understandably started bothering her a lot. At first I denied it vigorously cause no one had ever told me this before. I thought she was paranoid and jealous. But I started to see it as time went on. Still, I couldn't seem to shake the subconscious habit.

It's gotten so bad that she's uncomfortable watching TV with me or literally going anywhere outside the house together. When we do, I'll notice all the attractive women we pass, even if it's mostly subtle. Even yesterday I came home as she was putting out the garbage. I said hi and she said after that I immediately glanced up at a woman walking by behind her entering a store. I don't even remember any details about the woman. But I believe her.

I've lost my train of thought before because an attractive woman came into my field of view. Sometimes I've made it painfully obvious instead in my attempts to avoid looking at an attractive woman and she can pick up on that too. Sometimes I zone out and catch myself staring briefly.

This means we are stuck inside together. We cook a lot and do crafts and listen to the radio, but no joint adventures anymore. Our sex life has dramatically improved, but we both seem totally stuck on this problem. She is curvy and not particularly skinny, but thinner than I am and well within a normal range. I used to mentally see her as a lot heavier because she doesn't look like the women I'd ogle in porn but feel my perspective of her is more accurate now. She is beautiful and attractive and I'm very much in love with her.

We have been together over a year and this problem has existed for half our relationship. I've started therapy but we are both concerned that the therapist thinks this is just normal "guy" behaviour. But most guys can walk around without looking at the bodies of every attractive woman. Especially with their girlfriend.

I know part of it is fear and trauma from the length of the problem, and the mental pain. Part of it is a holdover from porn addiction. Part of it is Aspergers, we think. But we are stuck. I simply don't know what to try to effectively walk around without looking at every woman that goes by... I just want to be able to walk with my girlfriend without hurting her and reminding her of our painful past. There's a lot of arguing and crying, but also a lot of love and support. We are just so stuck. I obsess over the problem 24/7 - especially when I'm outside. Even worse when we are out together. We both get very scared.

There's probably a lot i haven't said here, so feel free to ask further questions. It's hard to encapsulate it all in one post. But any advice, anecdotes, or simply conversation would be helpful.

Thanks god my boyfriend loves my curves and doesn't fancy those 'skinny' women in porn at all.

So, you're not attracted to her because she is a little big, but you're fat? That is a big part of the problem right there. I'd suggest you start working out. It doesn't have to be weight training, but weights and cardio will work much better than cardio alone. Get on a good diet and start tracking your calories and macros. Once you start getting in better shape, she might start wanting to exercise with you. Even if she doesn't, you're testosterone will increase and your libido will go up. At that point you'll care a lot less about her extra weight, because you'll be so horny. It sounds like I'm joking, but I'm serious. I used to not be attracted to women who weren't very fit. I don't like fat women, but I like "busty" women and I don't mind a little bit of stomach, as long as the girl isn't a slob. It's actually really hypocritical to want your girlfriend to loose weight when you're not willing to go through the process. It's sad that they wouldn't bring this up in therapy, but odds are they don't care about their own health.

I'm really sorry, but I agree with your therapist. Guys LOOK. It's just something they DO. Y'all's brains are wired to notice the physical aspects and to want to spread the seed far and wide.

My grandfather was practically Saint Paul-- he had to be if he wanted to keep his OCD on a leash, and besides that by the time I knew him he was in his 60s-- and he still looked. My dad was practically celibate half by choice and half by default for most of my childhood, and he still looked. My cousins have all been married for over a decade (male and female) and they all look. The dads of my kids' friends all look. My husband looks, even comments to me on what he's looking at. We have fun observing female flesh.

Hell, I must have some latent lesbian tendencies or something, because I look. As far as I know, I'm a practicing heterosexual, but I notice and appreciate a pretty woman. I don't look at guys; despite a strong preference for heterosexual intercourse and relationships, I never did. I know a lot of women (long-term married women) who do, though. My aunt is in her 60s now (married 40+ years); she still takes her daughters to the mall to sit in the food court and ogle guys.

Looking is a normal behavior.

Now, being a recovering porn addict, I can understand why the looking bothers you both. It might be a normal, even healthy, behavior-- but it stirs the ghosts of a problematic one.

Maybe the trick is to learn to LOOK without wanting to TOUCH or to HAVE. Learn to look, and appreciate, and then appreciate that which you have. It sounds like you can do that, because you're telling us how attractive your girlfriend is. Every time you notice another woman, look and don't beat yourself up about it. Beating yourself up about it just entrenches it and gets it all fragged up with psychology. Look and don't beat yourself up about it...

...and then for everything you appreciate about that woman's body, think of one more thing you appreciate about your girlfriend. And TELL HER those things. Often. Honest praise is a good antidote for a wounded self-esteem.

There is sbsolutely nothing wrong with guys' looking. Look but don't touch. I know that my boyfriend looks at pretty women when we are outside together. I know he thinks my best friend is hot. Het boyfriend thinks I am hot. Look but don't touch.

It's called "being human."

Yes, it might be "normal human behavior" but also, if it is bothering you to the level it is, where you are having to rearrange your social life, it might be the sign of a problem also. I don't know if you can find another therapist who might be able to help you. If nothing else, try to limit your looking. Give yourself 5 seconds to look, and then look away. Try to lower the time limit for looking as you go on.

Empty your nuts more frequently. It sounds like you make a lot of sperm and if you keep it bottled up, your mind will find the way without you. In my twenties I could go off up to ten times a day, normally 5 or 6 on average. When you finally get it out of your system, you won't care so much about sex and you can use your mind again, and bonus, get to know your girl in a more substantial way. Learn to recognize when sex overtakes the gravity of your thoughts and go rub one out to regain control. Do not think this is anyone's responsibility but yours. Your girl would be sweet to help you but will not ever fully understand. It is not her job, it is yours. Take control of your life. It's great to get your mind back.

And for crying out loud, give her a compliment from time to time. Sheesh, she needs to hear what you like about her, beyond sex.

If it bothers somebody, that somebody could tell me. I won't do it with a person who gets upset about it. I would only do it in my mind.

I think it's normal to look. My husband looks from time to time. It's not *all* the time, but you know, attractive people are out there. They're called "attactive" for a reason! They attract attention!

In my case, though, the looking is not threatening. My husband will usually comment and be upfront that he looked. It's not a big deal, because I am secure in the relationship and *know* I am not getting compared that woman. To say someone else is beautiful is often just stating a fact, not diminishing my qualities.

In *your* case, however, it doesn't sound like your girlfriend is secure in the relationship. Because of your past addiction to pornography, she was, by your own admittance, being compared to the other women. It is no surprise that she would still be afraid that some kind of comparison is going on when you notice other women on the street (even though it is normal.) I doubt the problem is that you look so much as she is wondering what's going on in your head when you do.

Do you go to counseling together, or has your girlfriend gone to counseling? I highly recommend that she goes for herself because she needs healing, too. She has suffered emotionally from your porn addiction and would benefit from some professional help to get through it.

BTW, good on you for quitting the porn!