Statistics that makes me enraged

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QFT
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02 Dec 2019, 2:48 pm

Fnord wrote:
So you can do nothing about your hair -- no big deal. I see men with wild hair and girlfriends/wives all the time. Of course, they also wear nice clothes, keep their faces shaved, and generally present themselves in a way that sets them apart from street people.


The third sentence in your quote invalidates the first two. Because I DON"T do those things you listed in the third sentence. And -- since you mentioned "street people" -- thats the other thing I resent. There were a few times when people confused me with homeless, even though I AM NOT.



Fnord
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02 Dec 2019, 2:55 pm

QFT wrote:
Fnord wrote:
... So you can do nothing about your hair -- no big deal. I see men with wild hair and girlfriends/wives all the time. Of course, they also wear nice clothes, keep their faces shaved, and generally present themselves in a way that sets them apart from street people.
The second sentence in your quote invalidates the first.
No, YOUR ACTIONS invalidate the first sentence, but only when it comes to your appearance.
QFT wrote:
... since you mentioned "street people" -- that's the other thing I resent. There were a few times when people confused me with homeless, even though I AM NOT.
Did you ever stop to wonder why? Did you ever stop to think that it could be your appearance? Homeless people (generally) have wild hair and disheveled clothes. If you have wild hair and disheveled clothes, then you will be mistaken for a street person. If you do not want to be mistaken for a street person, then do what it takes to improve your appearance, because you cannot improve the way everyone else thinks -- you can only improve yourself.


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lostonearth35
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02 Dec 2019, 3:05 pm

I'm a woman, and bad smells coming from a human would really disgust me. I would be instinctively be afraid that they are diseased and contagious. I read somewhere that woman are supposed to be more sensitive to smells and more genetically turned off by disgusting things because they must also protect their children from getting poisoned as well as themselves.

If a person has messy clothes or hair but isn't smelly or dirty I don't usually notice or care. My own hair can be quite messy. I need to get to get it cut soon.



Twilightprincess
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02 Dec 2019, 3:13 pm

lostonearth35 wrote:
I'm a woman, and bad smells coming from a human would really disgust me. I would be instinctively be afraid that they are diseased and contagious. I read somewhere that woman are supposed to be more sensitive to smells and more genetically turned off by disgusting things because they must also protect their children from getting poisoned as well as themselves.

If a person has messy clothes or hair but isn't smelly or dirty I don't usually notice or care. My own hair can be quite messy. I need to get to get it cut soon.


I’m really sensitive to smells, too. It might have something to do with sensory sensitivities. I was once bombarded with a bunch of nasty smells all at once, and I almost threw up right on the spot. Nothing sets a romantic mood like the idea of vomit! :P



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02 Dec 2019, 4:49 pm

You could try getting your hair cut really short like a buzz cut. I get mine cut at a 2 & I don't get it cut again until it starts getting messy & I have problems combing it.
I'm not disheveled/unclean when I go out but I have a lot of those other characteristics the study mentioned thou. Others thought of me as lazy cuz I wasn't working & was on disability even thou I was doing my best to find a job. They also thought of me as lazy even when I was working cuz I worked minimum-wage type jobs. It didn't matter that I was working over 55 hours a week whenever I was allowed overtime cuz I was trying to better myself & be as productive as possible. I readily admit that I am needy within a romantic relationship but I was very attracted to needy women & liked women who had problems but even those women wouldn't give me half a chance. I don't have a lot of confidence cuz I s#ck with lots of things in life compared to my peers which I think is pretty common for those of us on the spectrum considering our many various issues. I'm also pretty stubborn sometimes but I'm slowly getting better as I grew, learned, & matured from being in romantic relationships & my mental health improved. As for as the sex stuff goes, I had a HIGH sex drive but I never had much interest in having sex outside of a serious romantic relationship. I never had sex outside of my current relationship(although I did cyber with both my exes) & I only had two chances in my life to do so. The 1st chance I had was with one of my cousin's friends but I was in my 1st relationship at the time which was long distance & the 2nd time was with a girl who was underage & she also had a boyfriend at the time who was about my age. I kinda liked her older sister & wanted to try & get a relationship with her but the sister never had much interest outside of just talking to me :( I do play vid-games sometimes but I was much more into spending time on computer doing non gaming stuff 1ce I got the net after I graduated high-skewl. I also do have a sense of humor but it's kinda offensive. People who have a problem with shows like Ridiculousness, South Park, & Family Guy might not like my sense of humor. As for as living 3 hours away, all 3 relationships I had were long distance & they all lived in a different state than me. I was VERY willing to relocate thou cuz I felt trapped stuck living with my parents & there wasn't much in the area that appealed to me.


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02 Dec 2019, 5:04 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
it could either be really short or just long enough so it doesn’t stand up.


It seems like this particular aspect of it is my mom's fault. My mom does two things:

1. When hair dresser cuts my hair too short, she doesn't like it. In particular, she keeps asking me to "cover my ears" (meaning, ask hair dresser not to cut hair around my ears) although everyone else disagrees with her.

2. When I don't cut hair for long enough time, she tells me to go get a haircut. Usually it happens during my visits to her -- she has that hair woman she has me go to (she calls that woman herself to make appointment for me).

So I can't get my hair short enough not to be messy due to number 1, and I can't have it long enough not to be messy because of number 2.

Do you think that my mom subconsciously tries to sabotage my relationships? I mean, back when I had the aforementioned long term relationships, my mom didn't like the women I dated. Or do you think its just a cultural thing?



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02 Dec 2019, 5:24 pm

QFT wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
it could either be really short or just long enough so it doesn’t stand up.


It seems like this particular aspect of it is my mom's fault. My mom does two things:

1. When hair dresser cuts my hair too short, she doesn't like it. In particular, she keeps asking me to "cover my ears" (meaning, ask hair dresser not to cut hair around my ears) although everyone else disagrees with her.

2. When I don't cut hair for long enough time, she tells me to go get a haircut. Usually it happens during my visits to her -- she has that hair woman she has me go to (she calls that woman herself to make appointment for me).

So I can't get my hair short enough not to be messy due to number 1, and I can't have it long enough not to be messy because of number 2.

Do you think that my mom subconsciously tries to sabotage my relationships? I mean, back when I had the aforementioned long term relationships, my mom didn't like the women I dated. Or do you think its just a cultural thing?


You are an adult. You need to make your own hair decisions. There are websites online that show men’s haircuts for different hair and face types.

I highly doubt your mom is sabotaging you through your hair...



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02 Dec 2019, 5:26 pm

Fnord wrote:
No, YOUR ACTIONS invalidate the first sentence, but only when it comes to your appearance.


Thats not actions (they don't see what I do or don't do in the bathroom) its the results. The difference is that someone else who has hair that has different structure might spend the exact amount of time yet look less messy.

Fnord wrote:
Did you ever stop to think that it could be your appearance? Homeless people (generally) have wild hair and disheveled clothes. If you have wild hair and disheveled clothes, then you will be mistaken for a street person. If you do not want to be mistaken for a street person, then do what it takes to improve your appearance, because you cannot improve the way everyone else thinks -- you can only improve yourself.


The problem is that I was unaware of this until few years ago. And thats why I am so mad about it: like I threw out the best years of my life and I didn't even know THAT was why. I was thinking that Asperger is that big mystery -- like I was even asking whether the bones of my face are of a different shape -- but it never occurred to me that my hair is the thing.

Yes, my parents nagged me about my hair, and outsiders nagged me about shower (yes I said I shower, but I also said I started doing it only 5 years ago). But I didn't connect the dots together. On the one hand, there is this huge puzzle as to why girls don't approach me; on the other hand, there is this irrelevancy about some people nagging me about my hair and showering. It never occurred to me that one has anything to do with the other, up until few years ago.



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02 Dec 2019, 5:30 pm

QFT wrote:
Fnord wrote:
No, YOUR ACTIONS invalidate the first sentence, but only when it comes to your appearance.


Thats not actions (they don't see what I do or don't do in the bathroom) its the results. The difference is that someone else who has hair that has different structure might spend the exact amount of time yet look less messy.

Fnord wrote:
Did you ever stop to think that it could be your appearance? Homeless people (generally) have wild hair and disheveled clothes. If you have wild hair and disheveled clothes, then you will be mistaken for a street person. If you do not want to be mistaken for a street person, then do what it takes to improve your appearance, because you cannot improve the way everyone else thinks -- you can only improve yourself.


The problem is that I was unaware of this until few years ago. And thats why I am so mad about it: like I threw out the best years of my life and I didn't even know THAT was why. I was thinking that Asperger is that big mystery -- like I was even asking whether the bones of my face are of a different shape -- but it never occurred to me that my hair is the thing.

Yes, my parents nagged me about my hair, and outsiders nagged me about shower (yes I said I shower, but I also said I started doing it only 5 years ago). But I didn't connect the dots together. On the one hand, there is this huge puzzle as to why girls don't approach me; on the other hand, there is this irrelevancy about some people nagging me about my hair and showering. It never occurred to me that one has anything to do with the other, up until few years ago.


Why should they approach you when you don’t approach them?

If you look disheveled and don’t display interest, what in particular do you think will inspire a woman to approach you?

What sort of woman would you try to get to know if you did put yourself out there?



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02 Dec 2019, 5:30 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
QFT wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
it could either be really short or just long enough so it doesn’t stand up.


It seems like this particular aspect of it is my mom's fault. My mom does two things:

1. When hair dresser cuts my hair too short, she doesn't like it. In particular, she keeps asking me to "cover my ears" (meaning, ask hair dresser not to cut hair around my ears) although everyone else disagrees with her.

2. When I don't cut hair for long enough time, she tells me to go get a haircut. Usually it happens during my visits to her -- she has that hair woman she has me go to (she calls that woman herself to make appointment for me).

So I can't get my hair short enough not to be messy due to number 1, and I can't have it long enough not to be messy because of number 2.

Do you think that my mom subconsciously tries to sabotage my relationships? I mean, back when I had the aforementioned long term relationships, my mom didn't like the women I dated. Or do you think its just a cultural thing?


You are an adult. You need to make your own hair decisions. There are websites online that show men’s haircuts for different hair and face types.

I highly doubt your mom is sabotaging you through your hair...


My mom doesn't treat me as an adult. She goes as far as nagging me about the way I tie my shoes, and reminds me what I have to do 5 times in a row. Thankfully I live in a different state from her because I go to school. But every time I visit her I am surprised by just how much she babies me. I mean I know she babies me but she still has some surprises for me. The latest surprise: I was thinking of moving from the dorm to some place far away from campus to live so that its cheaper. She says "you shouldn't do it: you never lived far away before". Oh really? I know it just "happened" that I haven't lived far away before, but I thought I was just lucky. I didn't realize that in my moms mind its a never. Why should I never do something I haven't done before? Why should I be a rainman with my life restricted by some rigid rules?!



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02 Dec 2019, 5:33 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
Why should they approach you when you don’t approach them?


By that logic, why should I approach them if they don't approach me?

Logically, half the time I should approach them, half the time they should approach me. So if I decide not to approach them, my interaction with them would cut by half. I don't mind it being cut by half, it doesn't look so bad. The problem is that it is cut by 99% rather than by half. So the question is why? Does it mean that if I were to have any hope I should approach them 99% of the time and they should approach me only 1%? If so, it means I am "worse" than them in some way. But that is precisely what I am concerned about.

Twilightprincess wrote:
If you look disheveled and don’t display interest


Okay, "look disheaveled" part is the answer to my question "how am I worse". The regret that I have is that I realized it way too late in life and I don't know how to get back all those years.



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02 Dec 2019, 5:38 pm

Anybody who doesn't or didn't notice their own BO should acquire SPD for a while. I have it and around puberty I had to start making sure I was clean all the time or my own BO would turn my stomach. Gel antiperspirant/deodorant every few days and shower every day (at least).



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02 Dec 2019, 5:45 pm

QFT wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
Why should they approach you when you don’t approach them?


By that logic, why should I approach them if they don't approach me?

Logically, half the time I should approach them, half the time they should approach me. So if I decide not to approach them, my interaction with them would cut by half. I don't mind it being cut by half, it doesn't look so bad. The problem is that it is cut by 99% rather than by half. So the question is why? Does it mean that if I were to have any hope I should approach them 99% of the time and they should approach me only 1%? If so, it means I am "worse" than them in some way. But that is precisely what I am concerned about.

Twilightprincess wrote:
If you look disheveled and don’t display interest


Okay, "look disheaveled" part is the answer to my question "how am I worse". The regret that I have is that I realized it way too late in life and I don't know how to get back all those years.


Regret is a waste of time and energy.

The truth of the matter is in our society men are usually expected to make the first move. That’s just how it is. You can be upset about it all you want, but it’s a waste of energy. If you seriously want a relationship, that’s what you need to do.

Anyway, it seems like that’s what you really want. If someone is like “meh, if it happens it happens,” she is not going to exert that much effort because she’s going to be happy either way.

I don’t sense that’s the case with you so why don’t you try instead of complain about the way things are. Society isn’t going to change anytime soon.

It’s just really silly to limit yourself in this way because the only one who is hurting is you.

I can’t imagine really wanting something but then not putting forth effort.



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02 Dec 2019, 5:55 pm

Important words of wisdom:

Our own happiness isn’t someone else’s responsibility.



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02 Dec 2019, 6:07 pm

I wouldn’t approach someone because I’m kind of “meh” about it right now. Maybe less than “meh.” I don’t know; it’s complicated.