Opinion on "weird" dating scenario

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Met a 31 year old woman on a dating site who said she worked as a DSW. Before we agreed to meet for dinner, she warned me that she was very blunt and open and didn't sugar coat things, which could be a turnoff for some people. She even said that she had been messaging with a guy who eventually told her that she was "too much" and stopped talking to her. Not wanting to seem easily intimidated and thus be deemed unworthy, I told her I'd more than likely be able to handle it.

Long story short, she spent the good half of the dinner rolling her eyes at me, sighing, face palming and calling nearly everything I said and did "weird" (I initially complimented her on her glasses while messaging, which she likewise found "weird"). Since it was almost impossible to know whether she was being overly sarcastic or serious as she has very little filter, I just assumed that she was being mostly facetious, considering I wasn't actually saying or doing anything any sane, rational person would consider weird.

What should've been the breaking point was her telling me at the Vietnamese place we were at that I could eat her bean sprouts that were supposed to go in her pho since she didn't want them. When I started eating them, she irritatedly told me to stop. When I reminded her that she said she wasn't planning on eating them and that they were going to go to waste otherwise, she replied that they wouldn't go to waste because I was going to eat them all. When I asked her why that was such a problem, she once again rolled her eyes, sighed and called me weird, reminding me that I already had a full meal at the previous restaurant we were at and it didn't make sense for me to continue eating, especially since I had told her that I typically don't eat very much (usually one meal a day). I guess she was implying I was a pig.

The plate also had mint leaves on it, which she also didn't want. When I picked them up to look at them, she told me to put them down. When I put the leaves in my tea for flavour, she once again gave me a dirty look and called me weird. Eventually, she literally took the sprouts, leaves and tea cup away from me. I'm almost certain that if I hadn't been trying to get her to find me attractive, I would've bailed at this point. When I asked her why she didn't finish her pho (she only ate the noodles), she said that it was common knowledge that no one eats the broth because of the salt/msg. When I pointed out that the noodles themselves probably soaked up a good portion of the broth, she responded by calling me... yup, you guessed it. As we were leaving, she said that it wasn't her but me that was "too much". I still couldn't tell if she was being serious.

I have a strange feeling if I were to tell most people about this, especially online, they'd call me an incel/autist, that I don't know how to read or talk to women, and that her actions were completely rational and justified. But I don't know, personally, regardless of whether she found me attractive/interesting or not, I found her behaviour to be ridiculously rude, uncivilized and inappropriate, even more so considering she takes care of mentally/physically disabled people. Way I see it, there's a huge difference between being blunt and honest, and this. I also noticed that as much as she criticized me, she couldn't handle criticism herself.

Maybe I should be thankful that she assured me that she's actually very kind and compassionate to her clients.

I dated someone nearly identical to this. I first started thinking being the inexperienced one I was doing something wrong. Now that I have about 40 other dates and a multi-year marriage on my resume I now realize she was just being a total bee itch and that was why she was still single. If someone claims they are 'blunt' or 'sarcastic' that usually means they are a jerk who needs a softer label to wrap it in. Furthermore, that's rather disturbing someone like that is in charge of disabled people.

That was one reason why I smartened up and never did dinner or anything expensive for a first date. Next time if someone says that you need to politely point out that it obviously isn't a good fit and walk away before wasting your time, money and energy.

This was your first clue. When someone tells you who they are - believe them. She basically told you upfront she's an as*hole. And... she is.

And she offers this likely because she's been told before that her behavior is a turnoff - so she's defensive about it.

So she knows how she behaves is a turnoff but she still chooses to do it anyway.



Ah... no. She told you upfront who she was and ... she was. The guy before her stopped talking to her, and I'm sure there have been more before him.

Her behavior is her problem. At some point she is going to need to be responsible for learning how to behave around others and accept responsibility that it's her terrible attitude that is the reason guys stop talking to her. Being sarcastic and rude isn't edgy - it's just unpleasant for other people to be around.

Don't go down this road of thinking her behavior is your problem. It's not. The way I see it is you dodged a bullet.

This is true - you dodged a bullet and there's no reason to blame yourself.

Just move on, you did nothing wrong.

This might be and AS vs NT thing, but I might have also taken what she said literally, not as code-speak for being an as*hole. I know quite a few people who are blunt and direct without being rude and acting as horrible as this person

(Although I am also familiar with the type of people who boast "I call it as I see it", just because they enjoy saying nasty things to or about others)

I agree with the others.

She has no redeeming qualities.

Move on to the next person.

This should be posted at the top of this forum. People usually tell you what they "are about" very early on and it is important to take that seriously. My crazy ex for example mentioned how she kept "scaring men away" and "tired of trying to find a nice guy" and I should have clued she was trying to tell me how unstable she was and it wasn't my fault or responsibility.

She sounds mentally ill to me. I can't see anything wrong at all with how you behaved.

I've also met people who are blunt without being rude (I'm apparently one of them...?)

I think it's good that you met her in person to find out what she is really about. It can be very hard to tell what a person is really like until you see them in action.

It turned out she's not a great choice of companionship for you. Hopefully she will learn from her mistakes and meet somebody when she is ready. (I don't believe anyone is truly defective, but you absolutely should not wait around for someone to change).

My canned rejection is usually, "Thank you for meeting with me, but I think we are incompatible. I wish you all the best in finding your ideal mate." And then block them and keep looking.

Not weird. She has a psych problem. She needs to date Dr. House.

Thanks for your response... unfortunately, the date didn't end there. I didn't add the second half because I didn't want to drone on too long and distract from what I felt was the focal point but maybe I should've in retrospect. I actually (stupidly) invited her over to my place to hang out for a bit and she agreed. On the way there, she was kind of giving me subtle hints that she may have been sexually interested in me (or at least interested in sex) but I warned her in advance that my place was pretty messy. I was considering going to hers but she told me that her brother was there and I got the feeling that it might be awkward or an imposition so I scrapped that idea.

Since no one had actually complained about my place before, I didn't think it would be such a big deal (though I did try to tidy up a little before she came in) but when she saw it, she ripped into how disgusting it was and how it was possible I could live like that. I tried cleaning a bit more but she said it wouldn't be enough and that it was making her depressed. She also criticized me for wasting space, since I live in a two bedroom apartment and yet choose to sleep in the main area, which made her angry (she argued I wasn't supposed to sleep there because it wasn't a bedroom) and continued to berate me for my aesthetic decisions.

After she left, I tried messaging her to apologize for inviting her over before cleaning and that it was overly impulsive of me but to no avail. She told me that my messy apartment was representative of my disorganized mind and life, that I don't seem to love myself and that she felt "sad" for me because women were going to take advantage of me and use me. When I replied that I was unlikely to let that happen, she explained that it probably would since she couldn't imagine anyone wanting to date me other than to use me for my money (I had told her I was self-sufficient despite not currently being employed).

The last thing I wrote was to reiterate the fact that certain things, including daily cleaning, were difficult for me due to my depression from the past year's events (I had been through a very stressful relationship situation that I'm still recovering from), which was exacerbated by my OCD (obsessive thoughts and rituals), and added that as a DSW, I would've thought she'd be more understanding and compassionate when it comes to people with disorders. She flipped out, told me that she knew people with OCD who were were neat and organized, accused me of blaming her for my problems instead of trying to fix them myself, said she was done talking to me and then blocked me.

I felt bad afterwards for various reasons... for not keeping my apartment tidier, for impulsively inviting her over, for desperately trying to apologize and reconcile despite all the abuse she dished out, and for being desperate in the first place instead of being more selective and feeling the need to justify my life to her. Basically, I pathetically grovelled for forgiveness instead of either telling her off or just ignoring her altogether, which was definitely the wrong approach.

I find it a bit amusing that before we met, she complained about how socially difficult things were for her because of her blunt and honest attitude and, to me at least, made it sound like there was nothing she could do about it since that's just the way she is. When I half-jokingly pointed out that she must make her clients ' lives miserable, she said that they loved her because she was different with them, I suppose because she had to be. It's ironic that she would give me all that crap about me being too lazy and apathetic to change, when she freely admitted that she chooses to be a nightmare when she's obviously capable of being decent.

Well, she did admit at one point that she is indeed perfectly capable of being nice and decent- at least at work where it's her job- but I guess since she doesn't have to on her own time, she doesn't. It's quite amusing to me that she gave me a whole bunch of crap about me not wanting to change to better myself when she's apparently aware of what she's doing yet still complains about her people problems.

Just like me at 30, you were FAR too nice to her. The second she complained about how messy your place is you should have handed her a broom and told her to either go nuts or pound sand. While I would recommend a few things in the future (like never "apologizing" like a dog for your apartment) the bottom line is that everything you wrote indicates she is nuts and you dodged a huge bullet.

There's blunt and there is looking for an excuse to be verbally abusive and it sounds to me like she is projecting a lot of her own personal issues onto you. You seem to have a very rational understanding of the situation so run away and don't look back while using this as a valuable learning experience: women can be just as sadistic and cruel as men even if they are more subtle about it.

Here's some good general advice: if someone "warns" you before even meeting you once, HEED THAT WARNING!

That's the ultimate proof (if it was even needed) that she's nasty, knows she's nasty and still chooses to be nasty.

And what GiantHockeyFan said, he's spot on.

Yup, she's guano crazy. I can only imagine that when she gets older and begins to feel less passionate about her job that she'll start acting this way to her clients. Obviously, don't sweat having a messy apartment. Most people have their homes messy until they know they're having company over. Just tidy up a bit before going out next time, even if you don't expect the date to end at your appointment.

Now, focus on your positives. You still managed to have her want to go back to your place. Think about what you did correctly on the date and hone those strengths for the next one. Although, because she's nuts, those strengths might not work on the next girl

P.S. I'm loving your idea of having your living room be you bedroom.

Like a couple posters have mentioned, some people can be blunt without being mean. I've known some people who use words like blunt to describe them & I liked em cuz they were direct & straightforward with me. I may of found them a tad abrasive at times but I also found them honest & I liked that I didn't have to read between the lines with them. I've also known people who use words like blunt to describe themselves & they're grade A a$$holes who used the word blunt as an excuse to intentionally offend others. I've been called blunt before & I never intentionally try to hurt someone unless I'm really mad & frustrated with em. Lots of times I don't realize what I've said was offensive & rude untill the other person got upset & sometimes I never know how or why what I said was wrong. I say I'm direct & straightforward instead of saying blunt but I also say that I need others to be the same way with me & I mean that when I say it. When others use words like blunt to describe themselves, I don't know if they're kinda like me & saying what they mean & mean what they say or if they're using the word blunt as a cop-out. I try to give others the benefit of the doubt & get to know them alittle before I judge their character like I want others to do with me.

I was gonna say she was projecting too.

Now you know why she ended up on a dating site.