Getting really tired of this.

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cberg
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01 Apr 2021, 9:58 pm

Rexi wrote:
Sounds like she doesn't really communicate, not very good but at the same time is it any nice, can you live with the rest comfortably, harmonically?


I'd say that otherwise yeah, good friends like her are the main reason I'm still alive. Someone like myself doesn't mellow out very easily without these considerations in mind, I'm not into normal hobbies, as a result I don't expect anyone to relate to me as expert skiers or coders or engineers or something, which does get in the way of communication 99 days out of 100, yet it's not all bad.

Not that I'm somehow pretending I ever find the time for relationships anyway, just this week I'm thinking about starting a company, interviewing with some Swedish mining equipment nerds to see if they want me to write them some code and plotting how to bounce all this informative word vomit off my boss next week.

I'm starting to feel like my thread is titled wrong at this point, it's a ramblings repository if anything.


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08 Apr 2021, 8:52 pm

cberg wrote:
I guess I was writing about more of an impulse than any particular reality. I know someone who got caught up in the hype as you said, I'd be lying if I said anyone else on Earth really knows me at the level she does but what does that mean to anybody these days?

Truly it doesn't seem like it means much to many. Many just don't seem all that interested in really getting to know someone that much, and so they don't seem to value when they have that kind of information nor if someone else does. *sigh* as I relayed, things are very superficial.

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I still don't tend to think she's ever really honest with me. Too many options & I'm just some old-school geeky weirdo.

That's a hard one to say much on. Everyone has things they keep to themselves and will say things that they mean in a moment but may not hold up later on. If nothing else, if she has a spot for you in her life, regardless of other options you do mean something. So try to look at the positive side of that and you do have a person that you feel knows you. Many people don't have that.

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Still nothing really refutes that I'm the one who's too screwed up here. I'm at this point where nearly-constant agoraphobia seems like a preferable alternative to putting up with a trend of discrimination strong enough to set my watch to.

EH. pretty much everyone is screwed up in varying degrees. We just tend to be weird/screwy in a way that others can't seem to wrap their heads around. Though I am kind of on board with the embracing agoraphobia over having to deal with it to try mingle with the....braindead?


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cberg
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09 Apr 2021, 12:06 am

Regardless of being too cool to seem like she gives a damn, she is undoubtedly the best thing that ever happened to me.


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14 Apr 2021, 3:29 am

Alterity wrote:
cberg wrote:
I guess I was writing about more of an impulse than any particular reality. I know someone who got caught up in the hype as you said, I'd be lying if I said anyone else on Earth really knows me at the level she does but what does that mean to anybody these days?

Truly it doesn't seem like it means much to many. Many just don't seem all that interested in really getting to know someone that much, and so they don't seem to value when they have that kind of information nor if someone else does. *sigh* as I relayed, things are very superficial.

Quote:
I still don't tend to think she's ever really honest with me. Too many options & I'm just some old-school geeky weirdo.

That's a hard one to say much on. Everyone has things they keep to themselves and will say things that they mean in a moment but may not hold up later on. If nothing else, if she has a spot for you in her life, regardless of other options you do mean something. So try to look at the positive side of that and you do have a person that you feel knows you. Many people don't have that.

Quote:
Still nothing really refutes that I'm the one who's too screwed up here. I'm at this point where nearly-constant agoraphobia seems like a preferable alternative to putting up with a trend of discrimination strong enough to set my watch to.

EH. pretty much everyone is screwed up in varying degrees. We just tend to be weird/screwy in a way that others can't seem to wrap their heads around. Though I am kind of on board with the embracing agoraphobia over having to deal with it to try mingle with the....braindead?


Well this rather neatly explains why I'm awake with some beer & techno at 2:30 when I should be resting up for a meeting. I have too much to do around machines to know when my brain will really be free to catch up with my non-existent social life. Later folks...


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14 Apr 2021, 9:19 pm

cberg wrote:
Well this rather neatly explains why I'm awake with some beer & techno at 2:30 when I should be resting up for a meeting. I have too much to do around machines to know when my brain will really be free to catch up with my non-existent social life. Later folks...

I've reached a point where I will talk to inanimate objects...so maybe you can do both?


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16 Apr 2021, 6:04 pm

I mean it's not that I actually see people that negatively, I can separate our interactions from our individual natures & real intelligence anyway. Basically when people get close to me, they wind up wanting to know things about me I have no answers to because my daily life is structured in logical ways around the digital world's ongoing needs that I'm not in a natural headspace in any way. I'm kind of beside myself dealing with the unending pressure to sharpen my technical ability when I know the only healthy thing to do is to spend more time with familiar people.

At least I cleaned my room & got a new desk. I may feel like an idiot but I'm pretty comfy.


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19 Apr 2021, 9:40 pm

FWIW I don't feel all that negative when I manage to write something decently eloquent about whatever the hell is going on with all of us socially. My social situation still feels like a Mexican standoff some days though, with regards to the extreme expectations that come with knowing a dialect that runs machines no one else cares to think about. It's hard to apply any skill without anyone else caring what I'm up to, and to relate that no matter how difficult it can be, I work on what I love because I care about my capacity to get along in the world peacefully.

I'm waiting for my vaccine to be rescheduled, hopefully the same pharmacy will just ask me if I'd rather get a different one sooner. Blergh, needles, but yes please. Finally one LESS reason for people to treat me like a socially inept liability. 8O


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20 Apr 2021, 1:38 am

Still no vaccine for me yet. I know it's obviously worth being patient about but that doesn't stop me wondering how it may change things.


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23 Apr 2021, 9:36 pm

Alterity wrote:
cberg wrote:
Well this rather neatly explains why I'm awake with some beer & techno at 2:30 when I should be resting up for a meeting. I have too much to do around machines to know when my brain will really be free to catch up with my non-existent social life. Later folks...

I've reached a point where I will talk to inanimate objects...so maybe you can do both?


It's a weird thought that I need to free my brain up around even more code before I'm sufficiently open minded to understand "love language" - whatever that is. Some people have human baggage to get off their chest but mine is robot stuff too...


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24 Apr 2021, 11:48 pm

It's a tough world out there. But you're more than just your autism. That's my attitude. I'm determined to make a life for myself, despite the odds, despite any negativity that comes my way. I've been told to be a warrior and you really have to be one. You can't play the victim, because everyone has problems.
I've been fed up before. Treated like garbage. And people are so unwilling to see things in a different way. I wish there were more laws protecting autistic people.



cberg
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27 Apr 2021, 1:47 am

I wouldn't say I feel the need for protection through any kind of rules, if anything I need more isolation from rules it seems, I guess it's your garden variety romanticized anarchy for me, but I've been sugarcoating the fact that almost no one else exists in that mental state.

I have no particular idea what role a guy like myself really should play. It's uncharted territory around here.


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03 May 2021, 7:44 pm

On the other hand, it's not as if using energy concerning myself with what's expected of me necessarily helps me do anything for anyone. Worrying what anyone else thinks of me does nothing for them, regardless of how they see me, which in turn would do nothing for me.

:shrug: I'm never going to see a point in this until I see the point. That or I'll live my whole life without women ever thinking twice about me.

I'm kind of leery about participating in a dating culture that's so impersonal & driven by demand for certain types of people.


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05 May 2021, 8:44 pm

I guess I'm all too familiar with being seen as the genetic rifraff in some grandiose race where everyone's all about score instead of being kind.

People in this forum these days candidly talk as if I owe everyone some kind of perfectly adjusted macho attitude that's in line with the ways of a destructive, impersonal world.

If being genuine instead of feigning superiority makes me somehow inadequate WTF do I care anyway? I'm sick of the insistence that women are only after emotionless drones who know how to present themselves on Tinder.

I suppose all I'm really saying is that if giving a damn about others is an unattractive look for me, there's kind of nothing for it. I've been staying away from people as a whole lately unless my presence is called for.


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25 May 2021, 8:58 am

cberg wrote:
I guess I'm all too familiar with being seen as the genetic rifraff in some grandiose race where everyone's all about score instead of being kind.

People in this forum these days candidly talk as if I owe everyone some kind of perfectly adjusted macho attitude that's in line with the ways of a destructive, impersonal world.

If being genuine instead of feigning superiority makes me somehow inadequate WTF do I care anyway? I'm sick of the insistence that women are only after emotionless drones who know how to present themselves on Tinder.

I suppose all I'm really saying is that if giving a damn about others is an unattractive look for me, there's kind of nothing for it. I've been staying away from people as a whole lately unless my presence is called for.


Hey, it's been awhile. I hope you're doing well.


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