When Your Special Interest is a Person

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NT, here...Happily married to my beloved (yet undiagnosed Aspie) husband...

I understand that those on the spectrum have special interests...In the case of my beloved (Aspie) husband, his special interest is shoes, sportswear to be specific...His favorite brand is PUMA; but he collects all other brand names...He will wear the pair a few times, then someone in his family will compliment him for his good taste...And he will gift them away...I support his special interest...And occasionally, i myself have contributed to his collection of sports shoes...So, a pretty innocent special interest...Thank God

However, i am curious...Could someone be so kind to explain to me in simple words what is like when your special interest is a person or persons???...I am especially interested to learn how it manifests between an Aspie and someone of the opposite sex???...What does it feels like to you on the spectrum???...Is there a romantic interest from your behalf???...Could your special interest become an obsession at any point in time???...And when you experience this, what is your end goal???...Is this only a temporary interest???...Or, do you hope for said special interest to become mutual and materialize into something more lasting???...One last thing, do your special interests, change overtime???...And if so, how or why???...

I am very sorry if my questioning above is an intrusion to your privacy...Please do not respond if you do not feel comfortable doing so...On the other hand, to those of you kind enough to explain to me this characteristic of autism, i thank you very much in advance...Good night from CA

I've had 4 people who were my special interests, both my exes, my current girlfriend & a celeb crush. Both my exes became my special interest when we got in a relationship as well as my current girlfriend. I was obsessed with all 3 & wanted to spend aLOT of time with them. I screwed up my 1st two relationships by being too needy & clingy with em & being demanding about it. I was still obsessed with my 1st girlfriend till I got my 2nd one 8 years later. I couldn't do anything to act on that obsession after our breakup but I kept thinking about her a lot & posting about things a lot. Both relationships lasted around half a year & were mostly long distance but me & my 1st girlfriend were good online friends for a while before we became a couple. Around the time my 2nd relationship ended I realized that part of my problems were related BAD anxiety & BAD OCD. I would get thoughts stuck in my head that would lead to anxiety attacks. I started a med for my anxiety & another for my OCD which helped but it was too late to save my 2nd relationship. I got in my current relationship shortly after. I like spending a lot of time with her but things are not nearly as bad as they were with both my exes. She is kinda needy & clingy as well & I'm sure that is a big help. Also living together is aLOT better than being long distance.

The celeb crush started like 11 years ago when I was single & very lonely. I was obsessed with her stuff, her shows, & music. I also majorly wanted to have a romantic relationship with her but had NO clue how to even spend a bit of time with her so I never tried to act on it. My crush obsession went away 1ce I got in my 2nd relationship but came back as soon as it ended. It went away again 1ce I got in my current relationship but came back after like a year. It is not as intense as it was when I was single but it is still pretty bad. Ideally if I was in an alternate dimension, I would marry her & my girlfriend but realistically I would settle for just being her friend but I have no clue how to make it happen.

[quote="nick007"]I've had 4 people who were my special interests, both my exes, my current girlfriend & a celeb crush. Both my exes became my special interest when we got in a relationship as well as my current girlfriend. I was obsessed with all 3 & wanted to spend aLOT of time with them. I screwed up my 1st two relationships by being too needy & clingy with em & being demanding about it. I was still obsessed with my 1st girlfriend till I got my 2nd one 8 years later. I couldn't do anything to act on that obsession after our breakup but I kept thinking about her a lot & posting about things a lot. Both relationships lasted around half a year & were mostly long distance but me & my 1st girlfriend were good online friends for a while before we became a couple. Around the time my 2nd relationship ended I realized that part of my problems were related BAD anxiety & BAD OCD. I would get thoughts stuck in my head that would lead to anxiety attacks. I started a med for my anxiety & another for my OCD which helped but it was too late to save my 2nd relationship. I got in my current relationship shortly after. I like spending a lot of time with her but things are not nearly as bad as they were with both my exes. She is kinda needy & clingy as well & I'm sure that is a big help. Also living together is aLOT better than being long distance.

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Thank you so-o-o much for sharing your experience...I can see how anxiety and OCD can play a part in an obsession--ASDs and NTs alike...I am glad that you now have the benefit of medicine to maintain a realistic perspective at the same time that you maintain your obsessions under control...Best wishes to you on your struggle...

When my mother was young, teens like her from all over the world were obsessed with the Beattles...Then, in the early 80's teens like me from all over the world were obsessed with a Puerto Rican music band called Menudo...They were quite a phenomenon worldwide and to date have been compared to the Beattles...Most recently, teens like my beloved niece are obsessed with the Korean music band BTS...So, i suppose obsessions with celebraties are universal among youngsters...As we mature, though, we 'outgrow' this phase in the same way that we outgrow our pants...

Having said all of the above, and taking into account how those of you on the spectrum are childlike (not to be confused with childish), i can understand to some degree how difficult it must be for you all wonderful people on the spectrum to 'outgrow' your obsessions...Best wishes to you all...And good night from California...

Post Script: No offense intended...Quite the contrary, i am trying to relate from the NT perspective...

I hope my crush on the girl at work isn't just a special interest.

She cute.

for me the opposite sex bit is irrelevant. but I assume you mean that as in a romantic type way. If I'm incorrect, I apologize. I'm proceeding as though you mean it that way.

What does It feel like? To me, it feels like a person gets lodged in my head. They become the center of the universe of my brain..thoughts revolve around them. And yes, I would say it gets obsessive for me. I found myself indulging in thinking about them and it interfered with me getting stuff done I need the day. It could be problematic, but I didn't care.

It's not necessarily romantic though. I have been attracted to a few people I had as interests, hell, I married one of them. But it's not always romantic, not always an attraction in a physical sense. What they all had in common though was I found them to be incepredible people i wanted to know better, understand, be around, listen to, something about them equaled awesomeness to me. I think that was the end goal. Just knowing, understanding, whatever them better. That or engage them or just indulge in thinking about them.

They were temporary. One of them resurfaces now and then though even after not seeing that person for years. But only the one. I used to wonder why. I think I figured it out though.

No. I don't want these things to be mutual and materialize. Obsessions and interested are generally temporary for me, even the ones that resurface are never constant. That's not a healthy relationship. Besides, it's in my head, I obsess about them and they are less a real person than an idea, if that makes sense. Facts about them might be based in reality, but my obsession isn't.

Yeah, like I said, my obsessions do change over time. I have no idea why, or how, but they do. All of my stuff is like that be it people, or more general interests. I have no shortage of things like drawing paper and spiffy pens lying around now collecting dust because I'm no longer obsessed with drawing mandalas. Now I play minecraft like a lunatic. In a month I might forget minecraft exists.

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Keep your hopes high...As i suspect that at some point in time, i was my fiancée special interest...And now he is my beloved (Aspie) husband...I hope i have transcended to a higher level

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I am glad you realize that these special interests--in the case of a person if and when they materialize onto a real relationship--cannot lead to a healthy relationship...I imagine your judgement is clouded due to the obsession...And it surely leads to disappointment...Because you do not really know the real person behind the ideal image you have constructed in your mind the way you do with minecraft...Do i make any sense????

It's part my judgement. It's also part me behaving towards them...oh how do I say it. When's I first get obsessed with someone, like my ex, I'm more attentive, interested, I seem like a great partner. For a bit. Then I get overwhelmed, distant, uninterested... if I lack the obsession to keep myself thinking about them, I will stop thinking about them. I'm pretty emotionally unavailable and if the relationship starts in a very different way, it is hurtful to others when I stop being the person I seemed to be at the beginning. I don't want to hurt people, so it's best for me to stay away so I dont. The disappointment is more for them than me.

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NTs are similar when the 'object' of our romantic interest materializes...Typically, i would loose interest within three months...Because, this is the average time it takes to hold the 'facade' by both sides...Once the 'mask' drops, per se, one knows the real person, and one may not like the real person...While the other person may still want to continue with the relationship...That is always a possibility: One wants out of the relationship; while the other wants in...

Another way to look at it would be that once the infatuation period is over...If the relationship does not transcends to a deeper level of commitment, the relationship falls apart understandably so...In conclusion, i do see some similarities in what you wonderful people on the spectrum experience when courting the object of your interest and/or obsession and soon loosing interest...

Having said all of the above, i have one more question: If i am an Aspie's special interest, how do i transcend to a higher, more PERMANENT place in the life of my Aspie???... I know that this happened to me with my beloved (Aspie) husband...I obviously transcended--from being one of many special interests to becoming the fianceé, and eventually, the wife...But frankly, i don't know how i did it...What did i do right when so many others failed???...I frankly don't know!! !...LOL...

Post-Script: Still CLUELESS

Yes, NTs can get obsessed with people too. My NT uncle was obsessed with his wife for about 5 years after she left him. He just couldn't get over it. He would talk about her for hours and nothing else, and he kept looking her up on Facebook and even tried befriending her new boyfriend (my uncle actually hated him because she'd left him for this guy but he still tried to be civil). He was just doing everything he could to win her back or at least find out everything about her new life because he just couldn't get her out of his mind. He is not a dangerous man or anything, he just struggled to get over the break-up. He finally did get over her, but that was when he'd met his girlfriend he's with now.

This happens to me, too. For me, it has even been a poster here on WP.

Thank you for your comments as i find these to be very insightful....