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Octopus9
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05 Oct 2020, 1:21 pm

Hello
Looking for some advice. Am in a new relationship with somebody. I love them very much and am really happy. However they keep doubting this. They often say I am unhappy / look disgusted. They say I am fake. However I am not far from it. I am finding it very confusing. Nobody else has ever said I look disgusted before. It is really very confusing. They also say that the tone of my voice does not match what I am saying. Like if I say I love her she says its fake as my voice says this.

Am wondering what help can get for this. How I can explain how I am feeling in a way that they won’t doubt it.

How can I make my facial expressions match what I am feeling?

Thanks



Bravo5150
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05 Oct 2020, 2:35 pm

Does the confusion typically occur when you are stressed, sleep deprived, etc. Or does it always happen?



Octopus9
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05 Oct 2020, 2:45 pm

Would probably say more so when stressed. Her saying these things stresses me out. So then it's worse.



Juliette
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05 Oct 2020, 2:50 pm

Have you tried writing a love letter or email to her, opening your heart and explaining what she means to you? I’d make it clear as possible that you love her ... and make it equally clear that your voice and facial expressions are not co-operating with how you feel ... that it’s non-intentional.



Bravo5150
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05 Oct 2020, 2:51 pm

If it was all the time, I might be able to teach something, but if mostly when stressed it looks like explaining your difficulty might be the best bet.

I constantly get accused of looking like I am ready to kill someone when I am sleep deprived or severely stressed when that is not my intention. But I do well when I am feeling better.



Octopus9
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05 Oct 2020, 3:00 pm

Juliette wrote:
Have you tried writing a love letter or email to her, opening your heart and explaining what she means to you? I’d make it clear as possible that you love her ... and make it equally clear that your voice and facial expressions are not co-operating with how you feel ... that it’s non-intentional.


I've tried all sorts of things to get past this. Written to her multiple times. But her opinion that my facial expressions say it all. I don't love her, it's fake. Won't budge. We keep coming back to this. Apparently I hurt her with how I look.



Bravo5150
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05 Oct 2020, 3:07 pm

Does she know that you are on the spectrum?



AuroraBorealisGazer
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05 Oct 2020, 3:18 pm

Do you think you could be masking or mimicking when you're with her? This could be giving her the impression that you are being fake. For instance if your feelings for her are strong but you have trouble expressing them in your own way, you may be using standard lines you've heard.



greenmm37
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05 Oct 2020, 3:38 pm

I don't know if it will help your situation but my resting/thinking expression looks angry, apparently, my brows furrow and I frown, just from being lost in thought. I've only had people directly tell me a few times (once a girl approached me and told me I looked like I wanted to kill someone :oops: I was just lost in thought! Not even unpleasant thoughts). I'm embarrassed how often people assume I'm angry without telling me, when that's far from the truth.
It *may* be a spectrum thing, is what I'm getting at, not controlling facial expressions well - or not matching facial expressions to emotions? Even tonal expressions are a common trait associated with ASD, I think, i.e. tone of voice not matching what you're emotionally feeling. I take you at your word that you're being genuine, so if you are comfortable disclosing this to her (assuming you are on the spectrum and this is why your expressions and tones are being misinterpreted), it may help her understand... But I'm sorry she seems so fixed in her opinion. I hope you can sort things out.



Bravo5150
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05 Oct 2020, 3:43 pm

greenmm37 wrote:
I don't know if it will help your situation but my resting/thinking expression looks angry, apparently, my brows furrow and I frown, just from being lost in thought. I've only had people directly tell me a few times (once a girl approached me and told me I looked like I wanted to kill someone :oops: I was just lost in thought! Not even unpleasant thoughts). I'm embarrassed how often people assume I'm angry without telling me, when that's far from the truth.
It *may* be a spectrum thing, is what I'm getting at, not controlling facial expressions well - or not matching facial expressions to emotions? Even tonal expressions are a common trait associated with ASD, I think, i.e. tone of voice not matching what you're emotionally feeling. I take you at your word that you're being genuine, so if you are comfortable disclosing this to her (assuming you are on the spectrum and this is why your expressions and tones are being misinterpreted), it may help her understand... But I'm sorry she seems so fixed in her opinion. I hope you can sort things out.

I have a similar ready to kill someone problem.



Pepe
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05 Oct 2020, 5:43 pm

Octopus9 wrote:
Hello
Looking for some advice. Am in a new relationship with somebody. I love them very much and am really happy. However they keep doubting this. They often say I am unhappy / look disgusted. They say I am fake. However I am not far from it. I am finding it very confusing. Nobody else has ever said I look disgusted before. It is really very confusing. They also say that the tone of my voice does not match what I am saying. Like if I say I love her she says its fake as my voice says this.

Am wondering what help can get for this. How I can explain how I am feeling in a way that they won’t doubt it.

How can I make my facial expressions match what I am feeling?

Thanks


Does she know you are on the spectrum?
If so, you can giver her some links explaining how we have difficulty with emotion management.

Also,
Consciously try and adopt a slight smile.
People used to comment that I looked angry when I actually look that way when I am deep in thought.

Also,
Give her little presents, like some chocolate, periodically,
Or do something considerate.
Actions speak louder than words. ;)


_________________
Laughter is the best medicine. Age-appropriate behaviour is an arbitrary NT social construct.
Don't tell me white lies. Gaslight me at your peril. Don't give me your bad attitude. Hypnosis, psychosis. Tomarto, tomayto. There are *4* lights. Honey badger.
If I'm so bad, pass me by. ;)


And one more thing,


"A stranger is a friend gang-stalker you haven't met yet." Humour is not meant to be taken seriously, yet many on the left pervert its intent.
Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)


I luv Joe Biden! Democracy first!


Pepe
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05 Oct 2020, 5:44 pm

greenmm37 wrote:
I don't know if it will help your situation but my resting/thinking expression looks angry, apparently, my brows furrow and I frown, just from being lost in thought.


Same. :lmao:


_________________
Laughter is the best medicine. Age-appropriate behaviour is an arbitrary NT social construct.
Don't tell me white lies. Gaslight me at your peril. Don't give me your bad attitude. Hypnosis, psychosis. Tomarto, tomayto. There are *4* lights. Honey badger.
If I'm so bad, pass me by. ;)


And one more thing,


"A stranger is a friend gang-stalker you haven't met yet." Humour is not meant to be taken seriously, yet many on the left pervert its intent.
Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)


I luv Joe Biden! Democracy first!


OnTheOtherSide
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06 Oct 2020, 1:00 am

1) Has this happened in any of your previous relationships before ?

2) Have you been diagnosed by a psychologist ? Proving to one of my exes that I am not making things up and that it is not personal helped a bit.

3) Could it not be that you are just not that attracted to her physically but wish you were ?
In my previous RS we also used to have this kind of discussion A LOT. We were only problem-free at times of being busy (when being distracted).

4) Has anyone before complained of this ? Do you have any other issues (is she bothered by anything else in your relationship or is it just the facial expressions and the tone of your voice ?)

5) Can you imagine growing old with her by your side ?
6) Do you feel butterflies in your stomach when being with her ?
Or are you more excited about the concept of having a girlfriend than about her looks and personality ?
If so, you should end things up otherwise it will only keep hurting you both.

7) Could it not be that there is a grain of truth to what she says and you just do not want to lose someone who adores you ?

8 ) Are you honestly consistent about your feelings towards her ? Or do you ever have doubts about her being the Absolute Right one ?
Please understand that I do not want to sound harsh. I am not being insensitive. I am just trying to give another perspective based on my previous experience.

9) Are you being honest with yourself ?

Best of luck.

Feel free to PM if you want to talk.



NorthWind
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06 Oct 2020, 3:50 am

^
Lots of important questions.




But also, do you know if anything similar has happened in any of her previous relationships. Did her previous romantic relationships go well and are her platonic relationships harmonious, or does she generally have a problem with thinking people don't love her, with needing a lot of reassurance or demanding proofs of love.



kraftiekortie
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06 Oct 2020, 4:02 am

I’ve had a woman call me “fake” when she just wanted to play psychological games with me. Even when I went all out for her, she still threw me out because she liked some other guy, and didn’t want to inform me of this. Instead, she sought to drive me away through whatever means—including accusing me of being fake and accusing me of cheating after taking only an hour walk.

All the above is excellent advice—if this person is like most people. If this person just likes to play games, then run far away.

I sort of smell a rat here. My spidey senses are tingling. I hope I am wrong.



OnTheOtherSide
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06 Oct 2020, 5:27 am

Bravo5150 wrote:
If it was all the time, I might be able to teach something


Could you please share more about this with us ? :-)

I would also add - do you feel being more into her when being apart ? If so, it is toxic.

Do you feel she is in love with you ?

I would let your actions speak. If she is really that important to you, show her. Her reaction will let you know.

I have been both in your and your crush/partners shoes.