The ideology of "50/50" in relationships.

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martianprincess
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09 Nov 2020, 10:57 am

AquaineBay wrote:
From the replies I see that 50/50 is almost like a fairytale(but worst in a way cause even in fairytales all things aren't equal).

So where did this idea even come from anyway? I can't think of a reason why someone would think this is possible cause when I think about it, it gives me the implication that I would have to be at my best all the time and that just sounds super exhausting!


Well... yeah. Relationships take effort. You can't just have a relationship and not put work into it. It does sometimes get exhausting, but it isn't exhausting 100% of the time if it's healthy.


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09 Nov 2020, 10:00 pm

Fnord I think expressed it best.

First of all, compromise is not a desirable thing. Compromise is just a way for people to settle for less than they want while giving up more than they want. Everyone loses something in a compromise.

I think my wife and I are about as close to a real 50/50 as you’re gonna get. I think you have to ask two questions: What is my spouse worth to me? What does my spouse deserve? And if you place a high value on your SO, that’s going to determine your positive behavior towards them. If she asks you to do something, you’ll do whatever because it’s ether really not that big a deal or it’s something you actually enjoy doing. It’s not compromise because you don’t actually sacrifice anything.

I almost never use the word “compromise.” If I’m dealing with a difficult person, I just ask “Ok, is there something we can do so we can BOTH get our way?” It doesn’t always work out, so it’s best we both just walk away. When that happens, you don’t get what you want, but at the same time you’re not out anything, either. It costs nothing to just walk away from it, plus you preserve the relationship.

I also maintain a complementarian view. I do not hold all men/women equal or equally matched. Smart couples know when a partner is better at something than they are and leverage these differences to strengthen the relationship.



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10 Nov 2020, 12:02 am

martianprincess wrote:
Well... yeah. Relationships take effort. You can't just have a relationship and not put work into it. It does sometimes get exhausting, but it isn't exhausting 100% of the time if it's healthy.
When I was single & desperately wanting a relationship, I was fairly often accused of wanting someone to take care of me cuz I was lazy or selfish or something. I believe that there is NO such thing as a perfect relationship or a perfect partner. Every relationship & person has issues & it takes both people working together to make any relationship work. I noticed that a lot of the people who believe in the 50/50 concept have a very rigid view on what that 50/50 is. They have a long list of requirements on their dating profiles & their idea of 50/50 seems almost like a sense of entitlement. People like us Aspies & most others who have any kind of mental &/or physical disability or issue can have a very hard time measuring up to nondisabled NTs. NTs sometimes think things are one-sided when in reality the Aspie is doing their very best to make the relationship work & to please their partner. Having Aspergers or other disabilities often means that you have to work a hell of a lot harder to accomplish things that come easily to most others. Those others often do not notice or fully comprehend the effort the Aspie or disabled is putting in. There's sites online where NT women b!tch about the horrible abusive relationship they had with an Aspie. Those women are full of hatred & are projecting their own lack of empathy onto an entire group of people. I'd bet most of those women never really tried to meet the Aspie halfway. Yet those women are the 1s ranting about how their relationship was far from 50/50 & was very one-sided. Those types of women make me afraid of the phrase "50/50 relationship".


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10 Nov 2020, 12:57 am

blazingstar wrote:
Mountain Goat wrote:
Nick007 wrote:
Sometimes both people figuratively bend over backwards for each other & do everything they can for the other & they both end up feeling like they are putting in all the work & their partner isn't really trying. Relationships can be very tricky.


The "Tandem" mentality (Anyone who has been on a decent tandem will find one feels like the other person is doing all the work so one puts in more effort, and before one knows it one is overtaking cars and touching 40!
The art of riding a tandem is to ease off the strain a little so both riders get to take advantage of the benefits of riding such a machine).


I love it, MG! :heart:


Image

There you go.
And it is green, too. :mrgreen:


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nick007
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10 Nov 2020, 1:57 am

Mountain Goat wrote:
Nick007 wrote:
Sometimes both people figuratively bend over backwards for each other & do everything they can for the other & they both end up feeling like they are putting in all the work & their partner isn't really trying. Relationships can be very tricky.


The "Tandem" mentality (Anyone who has been on a decent tandem will find one feels like the other person is doing all the work so one puts in more effort, and before one knows it one is overtaking cars and touching 40!
The art of riding a tandem is to ease off the strain a little so both riders get to take advantage of the benefits of riding such a machine).
I never ridden a tandem. I never really was into ridding bikes & I haven't done that since I became a teen. When I was single & very lonely, there was a girl talking about ridding a tandem with her friend & I started thinking that ridding a tandem could be the perfect way for me to get exercise with someone I love. She could steer & peddling is very repetitive so I could just peddle & stare at her back & hang on every word she says while being completely oblivious to everything else.


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10 Nov 2020, 4:15 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
It just means compromising; I think you’re taking it too literally.


I would think I'm taking it too literally as well but, what usually comes with the 50/50 request tends to be literal.

1.Splitting the chores equally(regardless of work hours)
2.Equal pay of utilities(regardless of how much each person makes)
3.Equal effort in affection(arbitrary cause what one thinks is low affection another might not) etc.

Usually it follows with the person saying they don't want to "take care" of the other person and them being able to pull their own weight. It makes me wonder: would these people still be with someone if the other got injured or sick?

I made this thread to get an idea of what "50/50" actually means and the mindset behind it, and also figure out where the idea could've come from.



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11 Nov 2020, 6:44 am

AquaineBay wrote:
I've seen people post on personals, forums, blogs, etc about wanting a 50/50 relationship. Every time I see that a red flag just goes off in my head that tells me that the person is going to be hard to compromise with.

I would suspect that different people mean different things by "50/50," with different consequences for the relationship.

For some people, "50/50" might mean: "I will zealously guard my 50% of everything." That's not a recipe for a good relationship.

On the other hand, for other people, "50/50" might mean just a desire that neither partner try to force their will on the other, but instead that both partners should be assertive, without being aggressive, and seek win-win compromises. That can work well if both partners are committed to it.

So I don't think "50/50" should be taken as a red flag in and of itself. But it's important to discuss exactly what is meant by "50/50" and how it should manifest.


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11 Nov 2020, 6:49 am

AquaineBay wrote:
I would think I'm taking it too literally as well but, what usually comes with the 50/50 request tends to be literal.

1.Splitting the chores equally(regardless of work hours)
2.Equal pay of utilities(regardless of how much each person makes)
3.Equal effort in affection(arbitrary cause what one thinks is low affection another might not) etc.

Usually it follows with the person saying they don't want to "take care" of the other person and them being able to pull their own weight. It makes me wonder: would these people still be with someone if the other got injured or sick?

Yep, that's a problem.


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nick007
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11 Nov 2020, 2:14 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
AquaineBay wrote:
I would think I'm taking it too literally as well but, what usually comes with the 50/50 request tends to be literal.

1.Splitting the chores equally(regardless of work hours)
2.Equal pay of utilities(regardless of how much each person makes)
3.Equal effort in affection(arbitrary cause what one thinks is low affection another might not) etc.

Usually it follows with the person saying they don't want to "take care" of the other person and them being able to pull their own weight. It makes me wonder: would these people still be with someone if the other got injured or sick?

Yep, that's a problem.
That's exactly what my concerns are about that concept. I also noticed that some people who talk about the 50,50 treat sex like it's a chore or favor to be bought & sold. The women expect certain things from the guy in exchange for providing him sex & the guys expect sex in exchange for doing things for the women. Like the guys pay more of the bills & do yardwork, fix things & do maintanace on the house & the woman's car. Perhaps that is more common where I'm from. The deep south is well known for having more traditional gender roles. Treating sex like that within a relationship is fine if it both of them are fine with it but I would not be.


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12 Nov 2020, 6:22 am

nick007 wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
AquaineBay wrote:
I would think I'm taking it too literally as well but, what usually comes with the 50/50 request tends to be literal.

1.Splitting the chores equally(regardless of work hours)
2.Equal pay of utilities(regardless of how much each person makes)
3.Equal effort in affection(arbitrary cause what one thinks is low affection another might not) etc.

Usually it follows with the person saying they don't want to "take care" of the other person and them being able to pull their own weight. It makes me wonder: would these people still be with someone if the other got injured or sick?

Yep, that's a problem.
That's exactly what my concerns are about that concept. I also noticed that some people who talk about the 50,50 treat sex like it's a chore or favor to be bought & sold. The women expect certain things from the guy in exchange for providing him sex & the guys expect sex in exchange for doing things for the women. Like the guys pay more of the bills & do yardwork, fix things & do maintanace on the house & the woman's car. Perhaps that is more common where I'm from. The deep south is well known for having more traditional gender roles. Treating sex like that within a relationship is fine if it both of them are fine with it but I would not be.


Thankfully, I'm too old to worry about such things.
And, the arse is always cleaner on the other side of the great divide, after all, eh? :mrgreen:


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12 Nov 2020, 12:03 pm

I think intimacy is often weaponized, and I think that's just wrong. Reward, yes. Consolation/comfort, yes. Withholding it to punish your mate? Always a bad idea.

I think 50/50 is just a way for someone else to get what they want at the expense of someone else. You can always put in your fair share and your partner ends up moving the goalposts. Fairness doesn't always translate to equality. 50/50 always works if you can clearly define what that means within a given relationship. But then, too, if for some reason the other person can't possibly hold up their end of the deal, then the marriage is over and it's not necessarily even something they could help. Disability is a reality, and some people end up quadriplegics on the 2nd day of their honeymoon. So which do you love more, the person you married, or that person's ability to hold up their end of the deal?

When you talk about marriage, the ideal situation is that both partners share EVERYTHING--the liabilities as well as the assets. If you don't like debt, don't marry a girl with a credit card. If she's making car payments, then pay off her balance WITH THE UNDERSTANDING that if she buys another car it's a decision you make together. It's the kind of relationship that doesn't have to ask permission for anything, but doesn't have to hide anything or keep secrets, either. It's the kind of relationship that's all or nothing. And because I'm a selfish person, I would happily put myself in danger and risk death because death would be better than living in a world without her in it.

And being all-or-nothing, why split anything? Instead of 50/50, why not just simply 100? Always look for ways that you BOTH win.



Last edited by AngelRho on 12 Nov 2020, 12:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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12 Nov 2020, 12:12 pm

I wish my ex-wife had paid 50/50 of all the bills
had done only 50/50 of all the psychological abuse
had told only 50/50 of the lies
and had only committed 50/50 of the violent assaults in the marriage (her percentage was 100/0 on that one)
and received at least 50/50 of the abuse back by others who believed the slander that she said about me without reason

If only people could truly be evenly yoked, as the Bible recommends....
50/50 even yoked, what a Joke



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12 Nov 2020, 12:32 pm

madbutnotmad wrote:
I wish my ex-wife had paid 50/50 of all the bills
had done only 50/50 of all the psychological abuse
had told only 50/50 of the lies
and had only committed 50/50 of the violent assaults in the marriage (her percentage was 100/0 on that one)
and received at least 50/50 of the abuse back by others who believed the slander that she said about me without reason

If only people could truly be evenly yoked, as the Bible recommends....
50/50 even yoked, what a Joke

People CAN be evenly yoked as per Bible. The context in the Bible had to do with believers versus unbelievers. If a woman is a Christian and marries an atheist, her husband might find it difficult to deal with someone trying to convert him to her religion, or she might find herself being actively discouraged from worship. Christianity at its most basic level says that Jesus is the only way to heaven, thus Christians are the only ones who can be saved. No other world religion quite makes that claim. Either the religion isn't clear or firm on salvation or salvation isn't necessary, or it takes a hard stand on an alternative claim. It doesn't make sense for Christians to pair up with a non-Christians. Being Biblically evenly yoked is not a guarantee of lasting marital success, but it's a good start. Arguing over religion is deadly to a relationship.



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14 Nov 2020, 3:48 pm

My interpretation is that 50/50 means equals in every way. In responsibilities, finances, say on things/decisions etc - a collaborative team vs one strong willed income earning alpha and a subservient partner along for the ride like a stereotypical 1950’s marriage.

I prefer the ideas Will Smith put out into the world about relationships, that rather than 50/50 they should be 100/100. Each person should be putting in a full effort and accept responsibility for their own happiness, being 100% whole & content/happy, and then bringing that happiness into the relationship and sharing it with the other person vs some 50% effort and relying on psychological codependence on their partner to make them feel complete & happy. I prefer the concept that we’re responsible for ourselves and our own happiness and should bring that to the table vs show up expecting the other person to fulfill whatever you’re lacking to make you feel good.


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15 Nov 2020, 9:01 am

As the wife of an Aspie, i think i am qualified to add to this discussion....Speaking in terms of 50/50 in a relationship could be interpreted literally, like when two friends are enjoying a dinner at a restaurant and they decide to split the cost in half...However, generally, 50/50 refers to the effort each partner puts into the success of the relationship...Although a 50/50 effort would be ideal--as in "you do the dishes one day; and i'll do the dishes the next day"--it is unrealistic...Sometimes, one will have to put in 80% of the effort, because the other one can only contribute 20%---due to illness, circumstances, and other factors...Keep in mind that i am referring to effort, but it could also apply to finances as when one of the partners becomes unemployed, and the one that is employed has to cover all living expenses...

Looking back to my horrible first year of marriage, i felt as if i was putting ALL the effort for the marriage to succeed...To me, it felt like a 200% effort...Still, all my effort did not seem to be enough to please my Aspie husband...And frankly, i feared that i alone would not be able to sustain the marriage for much longer...More than once, i felt like giving-up, and more than once, i gave-up...At one point in time, i was so fed-up that i screamed at my husband, "I DO ENOUGH!...I AM ENOUGH!"...And I then REFUSED to put any effort whatsoever, and proposed to end the marriage...(No manipulation, here; I was serious about ending the marriage!...Not because i wanted to end my marriage, but because the extraordinary effort required of me to sustain the marriage broke me health-wise :cry: )...Miraculously, one blessed day, my beloved husband came through with the minimal 5% needed on that one particular day to save our marriage :D ...Because sometimes that minimal effort--FROM THE OTHER PARTNER--is all that is needed on one of those hopeless days...Gradually, my beloved husband has learned what i expect of him, and throughout our second year of marriage, he has adopted his role as my husband quite well...

By the way, as i have learned more about autism, and as i have learned--the hard way :( --about my husband's limitations (for lack of a better word), i have gradually adjusted my expectations of him...Now, i can say, with some degree of certainty, that my expectations of him are reasonable and within his own unique capacities...For example, i do NOT demand eye contact from him as i did in the beginning of our courtship...(Sometimes, i feel his glance over me; and i am pleasantly surprised :wink: )...I NO longer insist on holding hands in public as we customarily did prior to our marriage...Still, i am happy, because when we do errands together, he walks side-by-side with me at my slow pace and opens all doors for me, like a true gentleman...I NO longer become upset, because he won't even taste the meals that i prepare especially for him...Now, i just kindly propose that he takes one bite...And i tell him in advance that i will NOT be upset if he does not eats it...Thankfully, for my own sanity, i now understand that he is NOT purposely been difficult...I NO longer beg him to "please, please, please take a selfie with me"...(Photography has been my hobby for many years...It still hurts when i write this :cry:)...Since before the pandemic, i have come to accept that we will NOT attend any social gatherings together...And the list goes on as to the many adjustments in expectations i have made for him...BECAUSE I LOVE HIM...And I hereby clarify that my beloved (Aspie) husband has made some accommodations for ME , his non-autistic wife...BECAUSE HE LOVES ME :wink:

Furthermore, for the most part, I RESPECT HIS PERSONAL SPACE...I voice in advance my request for a hug or a kiss as i slowly approach him EVERYDAY...He understands that for our hug to be beneficial to my heart, it must extend for at least 20 seconds...He is too 'sensitive', so i only ask for a superficial kiss (anything more would lead to intercourse when i don't want it :D )...Other than the two 'intrusions' to his personal space above-mentioned, i DO give him A LOT of SPACE even though he has never asked for it...Because i intuitively have come to understand how important this is to his well-being...For the record, if it were for me, i would be physically close to my beloved husband at all times...My desire to be physically close to my beloved husband is prevalent, and will continue to be for as long as i am in love with him...This i hope is through the course of a lifetime TOGETHER...

At present-time, my husband works full-time during the night-time, and i guard his sleep as much as possible during the daytime...When he wakes-up on his own, he knows that i am here for him at a snap of a finger...Getting back to the subject at hand, the unrealistic 50/50 relationship...Though i love catering to my beloved husband, i have to admit he can do mostly all household chores better than me--from cooking to ironing...And he works full-time at a time that i am unemployed due to the pandemic...Yet, when it comes to solving problems that arise on a day-to-day basis, i am more than happy and 'equipped' to handle these...For this reason, he calls me his secretary though i feel more like a fire-fighter putting out fires :wink: ...Having said the above, i will add to my list of NT wife expectations: "Gift me a bouquet of FLOWERS at least once a year as it is the tradition on 'Secretary's Day'"...Joke :wink: ...I hope by now you all have a better idea of how percentages work in practical terms in a relationship characterized by LOVE...MAY LOVE PREVAIL :heart: :heart: :heart:

Post-Script: As to the comments about using sex as a weapon to reward or punish...It is sadly commonplace in the NT world...Because it is a BASIC NEED to NTs, so they use this to their advantage...Thank God this tactic would NOT work with my Aspie husband, so i don't feel tempted to use sex as a weapon...( I know this, because he told me when we first became engaged)...I suspect his past NT partners used such a tactic, and lost him because of this...Great for me as i won him!! !



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15 Nov 2020, 4:52 pm

Both parties bring many things to the relationship

Not everything can be measured

Every situation is different

50/50 could be a good ideal. But its pursuit, promotes scorekeeping