Break up regrets, and a time out

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Blue Jay
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08 May 2021, 6:51 am

So, I am 37, my (ex) boyfriend M. is 41.

I am diagnosed autist, since end 2018, ADD. We were just fresh in the relationship then, living apart together, he went on a long journey first. After that we totally bonded with each other, had those quirks no one had, I finally thought I'd never been happier. Then COVID came, but we felt no big change at first. We were busy with working from home in IT, I was working on getting past youth autism denial (let's put it that way) and trying to drive a car again.

He supported me in every way, every tantrum. Slowly, he opened up more, asked my trust in decisions, let me clear up mess in his home, in his head. He let me cut his hair, he trusted me completely. He reached out for me even when we just had a disagreement the night before. I, on the other hand, started to feel like he was a burden to me. The more he opened up, the more I realized that he had troubles, too. That he needed help in a time that I had little left, but still, wanted to be there for him. I started to take time for myself, by cancelling evenings together, going on a mini vacation by myself. I talked low about his plans for vacations, because Covid blocked it all; he had spent all his money on his self built camper, but wanted to travel the world with me as soon as lockdowns were lifted...

I cannot state facts, but I recognized a lot of his behaviour in everything I learned about my ADD. I saw that a lot of his long time troubles were typical. He had a tough time letting go; he still had a lot of stuff from his ex with whom he'd lived together before the ex left him for another partner, five years ago. He could find peculiar things like sweets they used to share, in a distant corner of his desk, and be totally blocked in getting rid of them, even that day. He asked me to help me with clearing up a room in which a lot of his ex' stuff still lingered around. It appeared to be easier than we both thought. He was always busy with his next project, stuffing his rooms with unfinished projects and new mail order electronics and gadgets to keep busy. He was socially capable, just like me, high functioning and capable of having eye contact, good conversations. When he was filled with joy about a project, he could ramble on about it so enthusiastly. I know this is not a typical pattern of ADD, but there were so many quirks.

Over the months, he started to tone down my conversations. He broke my sentences off. He turned the conversation towards him. I felt bad about not having a sense of stopping to talk myself, but felt bad as he talked me into letting the world revolve around him. He could rephrase things in a way that I caused them - or so I thought. Coming back to it, it always was a joke. I saw him in a way I had never seen him in the 2 years before: selfish, self centered, sometimes I even called him narcissistic to friends.

During the autumn months, we both turned sour. It was a contrast to the months before, when we had literally shared every thought and action with each other. We were always sharing our lives and now it went dim... He was totally obsessesed with his self built camper van, with some sort of growth or change within himself which I didn't recognize as happening. He kept strong and held back, so it felt. I wondered if there was some other person in his life, a girl, or social media that lured him away from me. I sometimes asked him that, and he politely, politely, kept answering that there was nobody else, he was just busy. Often I kept doubting about that, sometimes asking or poking at things he did and made me feel insecure. I could fuss over a package of earbuds on my night stand, how they came there, if they had been someone else's...

In winter, we both tried to level with each other. Covid has taken its toll on us both and we tried to not be snappy at each other, tried to do fun things together. And in all those fun things we smiled at each other, laughed and looked each other in the eye, knowing 'that specialty, that's still there'. But throughout the days, we would hold back, not see each other often, come late at get togethers, opt for sleep instead of other bed activities. His temper went grim, and so did mine. In spring, I had a week off. Mind you that we had never had a long holiday together yet; we went to my favorite cabin two years ago, for four days; we hired a camper and drove around for a long weekend, last summer. We wanted a long holiday together so eagerly, we love travel - and yet we went on trips alone. In this spring week off, I booked a gorgeous hotel suite close to home, and stayed there for a night alone. I apped him and showed him in videos how beautiful it was. He said he wanted to be there with me - why didn't we? Why didn't I? I found him too busy, too claiming, like I would have no rest. I told myself stories that he would claim my time and overhelm me. But I did feel lonely that night. It would have been so much better with the two of us.


Come last week Wednesday. After my birthday that week, we had some snappy moments with each other. We didn't listen, we bickered. I was glad he left my house so I could do my own things. I told him I wanted to sleep at home that week, but later asked if I could come over on Thursday to sleep there. Happily, he agreed. Meanwhile I prepared a whole story in my head, added everything up, and came to the conclusion that this relationship was eating me, and he didn't notice a thing. He didn't change a thing, in my opinion. So I came to his house, we sat down on the couch, and I told him this everything. He was flabbergasted and shut down; didn't have a response. We bickered and I tried to pull answers and insights out of him, to no avail. We decided on leaving it, and having dinner. We had dinner, watched a movie on the couch, laughed, held hands like before. We said to each other this was a soft reboot, and we would never do evil to each other again.
We dressed for bed and, while toothbrushing, we got snappy over handing each other toothpicks. We went full in, blaming each other for not being forgiving and blaming the other all the time. He stormed off to the bedroom and I followed, found him there in a corner, face to the wall, complete deadlock. He stomped and shouted and I had to calm him down. We sat down on the bed to keep warm, he stomped and cried and panicked some more. I found this was totally not the situation to be in, but hey, we wanted to be honest to each other from now on, so this was it? Eventually we fell asleep crying, cuddling, we didn't want it to go this way but we didn't want to give up.

In the morning, I asked him how he slept, he said bad. I asked why, and we both rolled our eyes... because of last night. That broke it. I silently snapped. We couldn't bring up any respect anymore. This had to end. So I went downstairs, silently, picked up all my stuff laying around the house. I wanted to take everything to make sure it was safe, and make sure he wouldn't be reminded of me anymore. I wouldn't be that ex that he couldn't stop being confrontend with for years, due to his own inability to let go.

He came downstairs and I broke the words to him. He cried and asked me to come upstairs and lay with him, cuddle for a last time. I did, we laid until the clock said I had to go to work.

He woke up and told his best friends. Immediately, friends apped me, giving support, talking me through the day. I had to work, too. At one point a friend asked me 'do you want him back?' and I knew: YES.
Saturday morning I was so sad in grief, I just called M.. he picked up and we cried and talked for one and a half hour, sobbing, missing each other, wanting to cuddle. Maybe I should have gone over then and see if we could fix it still. But I know no other break ups than definite breakups... I can't wrap my head around the rules of a timeout. So the word 'over' had fallen and thus we were through - no longer boyfriend/girlfriend. We stuck it out for quite long.

Over the days, it all trickled down. Sunday afternoon I apped him to confess I really had regrets in breaking up, and he would think about it. We spoke for Tuesday, he would have time to think. So I didn't sleep, eat, or live until Tuesday, I was shivering and tried to spend as much time with friends an neighbours to distract myself from the coming talk. He called me up and came to my house. He had a bag with him - and brought soda drinks, because, he said, he couldn't bring an empty bag knowing it was only for collecting stuff. We drank the fizz and he came clear: no continuation of the relationship. Yet as we cuddled, cried, laid on the bed, cuddled more, looked each other in the eyes and saw love in it, we found so much to fight for. To stay together for, so we said: as really, really good friends.

He confessed he had gone wrong, abandoned me yet wanted to be with me to save it all, and I had abandoned him, grown grim, not talked... and we were clear what we wanted and how we wanted it. We held each other for so long, he almost didn't want to go home. He said 'why can't it just be the way it was... right now?' but we had just watched 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' and we both knew, and said, that in reality you never get past this instantly, it has to sink in, you have to think it over, let it rest... so he dried his tears, and again, and again, and we walked through the house collecting all knick knacks he had left with me over the months. Chargers, socks. He sobbed heavily with every item he had to stash in his bag. He confessed to me that he fell in love with every red hair of me he found in his bathroom, because that meant I was always there, for a bit...

We said goodbye with kisses and cuddles and a last kiss through the door, we would get in contact in a week... I think we said that, but moreover: he would get time to think and relax.

Over the days, we apped a bit, about things we still wanted to buy together, about the weather, how we were doing. At first I couldn't help myself but throw painful little confessions at him, like how awful I had slept, or that i had to erase an alarm setting with his name on it which I used when I was at his place. After a few days, we only exchanged 'good nights' with each other. Meanwhile I can't sleep at night, I can't eat, I have lost 5 kgs of weight. I throw myself up against the walls and I have the strong urge to look up if he is online, or call him and ask if I can sleep at his place. For now good friends and my decency have held me back from all this.

They say he needs time, and I have to give him time.

I'm so afraid I'm losing him. A neighbour told me about a hand full of sand... if you squeeze it, it streams away. If you hold it loosely, it will sit in your hand forever. So I shouldn't squeeze... and also (feels mean) give it time for him to get to miss me. We saw each other three to four evenings a week, now we haven't seen each other in 8 days.

I'm just so lonely, and unprepared for life as me, as a single woman.
I would love to have him by my side again, as he would with me I guess (Tuesday he did, in a way) but with all new insights we've learned about each other.

I can't tell what this forced silence will bring us both. Maybe I have to settle back and grow, too. Am I too eager to pick it up yet. I just want the pain no more.

I thought for a half year about letting go (I let him know, that I kept track of it in my diary, and no longer will!) to him it just came clear last week, and it was a wake up call for him. With result that he didn't want to go on. Forever? Or for a while?

I can't tell and can't predict the future. I feel lost.



Last edited by RVFlowers on 08 May 2021, 7:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

kraftiekortie
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08 May 2021, 7:01 am

I wish I could give you suitable advice. I wish I had a solution for this mess.

You can’t live with him, and you can’t live without him.

Sometimes, when you’re together, you have to pick your battles, in order for the relationship to be productive.

You have to allow him some of his faults, and he has to allow some of yours.

The question you should ask yourself: is it loneliness that brings you back to him....or is it the allure of Him?



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08 May 2021, 7:12 am

Kraftiekortie, you're still so engaged. I love that you read it all. Respond so quickly.
I came here five years ago and you're still here. Thank you.

kraftiekortie wrote:
I wish I could give you suitable advice. I wish I had a solution for this mess.

I wish I wouldn't desperately knock on everyone's door to advise me in this... I always feel like I have no spine of my own.

Quote:
You can’t live with him, and you can’t live without him.

Sometimes, when you’re together, you have to pick your battles, in order for the relationship to be productive.

You have to allow him some of his faults, and he has to allow some of yours.

Yes, we both had... we didn't talk, we assumed the other was the faulty one. If we had gone on this way, we would have never had this realisation that it was both of us, that we both had to speak up and claim our wants and needs.

I can be with him. In a LAT relationship. But I need to stick up for myself more. Be a strong person and ask for space if he makes plans that interfere with mine. We need to speak of everything we doubt in each other.

That is also what makes me feel we're both in a spectrum of a sort of autism... and that is also how we relate.

Quote:
The question you should ask yourself: is it loneliness that brings you back to him....or is it the allure of Him?


At this point it is a lot of loneliness, yes. And that is never good.
If I would get back right now I claim, but I am not sure, whether I would stick up and stay myself, or want him back so eagerly that I would willfully bend at every turn he makes. I would turn sour quickly, if I don't first grow.

But I don't know if he still investigates in 'us' or shields himself and moves on. That makes me cry.



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08 May 2021, 7:15 am

I just try to spill my sadness here and hope that people will pull me through the oncoming days, with whatever they think of. Autists can be real straight analytical thinkers, not always nice, but always honest.
My boyfriend M. is like that himself. He locks up, then throws out a very logical answer from his point of view.
But I know now, that he knows that. And that he is willing to do some effort to look at it from my perspective, too.

I just hope he will at some point in the near future put that into a relationship again... with me...
..to answer kraftiekorties second question: because he is a unique, and very quirky person, whom I'm proud of endlessly, whom I want to stand next to and say 'this is my man'. I didn't do that the last months...



kraftiekortie
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08 May 2021, 7:24 am

I hope so, too.

Does he make lots of overtures too, these days?

I know I’m the type that wishes I wasn’t nagged about every little supposed fault I had. And the same with me vis a vis her. I just like to be with a person and not discuss all these psychological things all the time. Maybe sometimes. I just like to discuss things separate from the psychology of our selves. I don’t want a relationship to be a constant therapy session.

I once had a lovely relationship with a person who allowed me to watch the (American) football game without problems. She really didn’t mind. She was just glad I was with her.

It could have lasted....but she drank too much, especially in the morning.

Do you both live in an RV?



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08 May 2021, 8:08 am

You write so well. You have ways to describe your thoughts and feelings... I can only write like that looking back at past events as in the moment I am unable to have clear thought to write in.

The respect you both have for each other and the love you two have is deep.

I have not had much real dating experience and most has been online, so I do not know what advice to offer. If I knew what to say I would.

All I can say is that I hope the very best happens for both of you in the directions that each one of you now take. If only life was so simple... Love is deep and is why taking apart is like trying to seperate magnets...


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rdos
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08 May 2021, 8:21 am

I think some autistics are not really up to always beeing together and many have a lot of desire for their own time. Relationships can easily interfere with this, and result in people getting snappy or even get into meltdowns. It's even worse if they trigger negative emotions in each other. Ideally, one person should question negative thoughts (and hopefully, not always the same one all the time). I think without that, things can easily get into a negative spiral with mutual depressive thoughts.



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09 May 2021, 1:12 am

Another thought about it is that you shouldn't try to resolve conflicts with (constant) talking. It's my impression that I cannot think and talk at the same time, and so if a conversation goes bad it can easily spiral out of proportions quickly with things said that I will regret later. This is because I cannot think things over and talk at the same time, and so I get into learned responses, which essentially is survival mode. If survivial mode doesn't work either, the next state is a complete shutdown.

So, if you think you need to resolve conflicts with talking, make sure you have adequate silence in between so you can think over your responses properly before you make them.



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09 May 2021, 3:25 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I hope so, too.

Does he make lots of overtures too, these days?

He did on Tuesday, when he was with me. He opened up on everything, he repeated he loved me time after time. In Dutch we have this difference in 'I like you' and 'I love you' in which the first is what you say when you are in courtship, dating, just careful. In longer relationships you say I love you to each other, and that's a deep thing to say. Many couples shy away from really saying it to each other. So, yes he said he loved me. And we both felt it was deep. He is the kind of person that if he really loves someone, he is tied to that person for a long time. More than I thought, even.

In recent app conversations, he doesn't express feelings like then. He is shut off and concise. But he does say 'I love you, I don't want you to cry' and 'I miss you too'. So I think that counts. He still expresses love to me, because he just hasn't let me go yet - he can't, it's not in his nature.

Quote:
I know I’m the type that wishes I wasn’t nagged about every little supposed fault I had. And the same with me vis a vis her. I just like to be with a person and not discuss all these psychological things all the time. Maybe sometimes. I just like to discuss things separate from the psychology of our selves. I don’t want a relationship to be a constant therapy session.

Since I was in therapy, a lot of those talks were from him to me. He even advised me what should be added to my psychiatrist's (I feel like I leveled up after 10 years of psychologists) working plan.

Meanwhile he has these troubles in letting go, cleaning out, doing stuff on time. I sometimes hinted him that he should pick things up, said he didn't have to do it my way, but had to find a better way than this, because we both agreed the current way frustrated him. He accepted my advice but always said he couldn't do it right now, couldn't change it right now, ... well you get it. I could have said 'let's try this new way for a month' and maybe then it would have clicked yes in his head. We autis work like that, and I suppose so does he.

Quote:
I once had a lovely relationship with a person who allowed me to watch the (American) football game without problems. She really didn’t mind. She was just glad I was with her.

Oh yes, oh yes! He always watches the F1 races on Sundays, and I totally let him! I won't sit in and I won't talk through it if I'm in the house. He knew I respected his favourite entertainment. I could never think of not letting him enjoy his hobbies.

Though I had a recurring problem with him watchin p*rn besides sleeping with me. I expressed to him that I felt compared to unreal bodies, unreal expectations, but he assured me (as of that last Thursday) that he made a distinct separation between that and sleeping with me, and the p*rn was only for speeding the stupid all-man process up. It sounded plausible after all. He never asked me for dirty favors or to mimic what he watched.

Quote:
Do you both live in an RV?

I live in an apartment and he lives in a two storey house, 4 kilometers apart. Both on our own. We do not have reasons to visit each others parts of town.

But yesterday, from my side window, I saw a nice man like him crossing by on a mountain bike, with another guy... and thought 'that is my M.!' and later my neighbour said 'oh you two are split up? Well honey he hasn't forgotten about you at all, didn't you see him biking into the woods this afternoon, looking up at your balcony??' ... so yes he totally biked to my part of town to somehow spot me, see me.... I guess a man wouldn't deliberately ride into his ex gf's neighbourhood so clearly if he wanted to forget her, not wanted to be seen by her...'

That gets my hope for getting together on the long run a bit up...



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09 May 2021, 4:03 am

Mountain Goat wrote:
You write so well. You have ways to describe your thoughts and feelings... I can only write like that looking back at past events as in the moment I am unable to have clear thought to write in.

Really, really thank you for that! I love to write.
I just don't love how I always need to spill my inner thoughts in order to combine all friends reactions to form an opinion of my own. This has been a problem for years. I don't trust myself so I shout it all around and see what echoes, and from that echo I analyse what another one is thinking.

I wish for once I could find a voice inside me that said 'I think it is like this, and now I stop thinking about it until new input from the source reaches me.' I wish. But polling myself always only returns an empty, incomplete, unsatisfactory answer. Like a broken Zoltar machine.

Quote:
The respect you both have for each other and the love you two have is deep.

I have not had much real dating experience and most has been online, so I do not know what advice to offer. If I knew what to say I would.

All I can say is that I hope the very best happens for both of you in the directions that each one of you now take. If only life was so simple... Love is deep and is why taking apart is like trying to seperate magnets...

What you say makes me cry. For good reasons. I hope the depth of our love keeps us together on the long run.

After the break we both agreed that things were going awry, that we didn't see it happening, and we realised that it wouldn't have gone better if we went on in that way. It would have crashed any day within a week or month. We both felt refreshed, open, clear and honest to each other. So a break was necessary, he called it a wake up call for himself.

I just can't rhyme it with the silence he is taking now. Would I do the same if I were hurt that way? If I knew my lover was after all waiting for me and missing me? Why would I hold back, then? Can somebody try to explain this to me, what one feels when ... you had this wake up call, it's only a week ago... you expressed your love and regrets and misses... but then you cut off all contact? Except for a 'miss you' and 'love you too' once a day? How does that work inside one's head?

Does he want to physically be with me, see me, but not be touched by me? Would he hear a voice 'but she can hurt youuuu' every time he wants to app me? I cannot step into this feeling...

Or maybe I can... (watch it, these are my thoughts from them about him) I mean I cancelled dates last weeks because the thought of him just made me sigh... don't overwhelm me, be careful with me, don't pull on me, give me time and space, respect my time and space... you don't respect me but you don't see it... I cannot make you see it so I will take my own respect and just hide for a while until I find it safe to let you in again. I will let you in again if you gain insight and respect my wish for my plans, my freedom.

How can I show this to him at this point? No contact is now the only thing I stick to.
But if I count it out in weeks, months, the disrespect

I understand him now in, whenever I shied away last months, he would say 'we need to be together more, not less!' ... it's so the opposite right now. I'm so frantically thinking what I would do if I were in his position, so I can spell out for myself how I should respond! Not only in silencing, but also saying the right things when we do speak! Help?



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09 May 2021, 4:57 am

The best thing it to try not to think about it. You seem to be a lot like me in character where you have to try to think out all possibilities and senarios... I tend to keep repeating the same questions but from different angles so I can get some 3D like thought depth to understand whatever it is I am dealing with.

Twice I have been in the senario but from different angles. The first time the girl I was dating (I did not start dating until I was into my 30's) and we were going to get married and then she wanted me to get a loan to buy a car... I looked and had second thoughts as a garage mechanic explained that those cars have expensive engine issues if they had not modified. So then she wanted me to get a loan out to buy another nearly new vehicle she liked. I was part exchanging my car and the agreement was that when we marry, she would have the car and I would buy myself an old Volvo estate as back then there were plenty available very cheap secondhand and I loved those cars. She also had me take all my annual leave off for the year at the same time as she said we could go places together.
The day I picked up the vehicle and she saw that I had it (She knew I did not like this vehicle but I thought she did... Read on...), was the first day of my annual leave, and she called in, saw the car and said "I need time to myself to think about things".
Now it had been her that was pushing for marriage as there was urgency from her side. I wanted to wait a whilw as we had only been dating for six months and though she was my first date, I thought things were going quick! (I had dated her for about four months when I found out from her sister that she was getting a divorce. I did not even know she was married so I was going to stop dating but she explained what had happened. She had married this guy after dating for a short time and he had left her after hardly being married for long and she had not seen him since, so I carried on dating her as I was completely in love).
But when she saw I had the vehicle she said she needed a few days to think about things, little did I know that that was the last I would see of her. Every time I tried to text or phone she would not answer, or her parents would say she was not in etc. I had left it a few days before I first sent the text.
I did not know what was going on. I worked with her sister and her sisters husband (I think her sister had left by then) and he would not say a thing. He would not even say how she was. As the weeks and months went by I became suicidal. Finally I text her after a long while of not contacting her to try to find out what was going on and her Dad phoned me and he was angry with me saying "Will you stop trying to contact her". I said "I take it that it is over then?" He was speechless at first and then he said calmly "Yes. It is over".
After tempting fate several times where only God given miracles saved my life, as I thought I had done something terribly wrong on my part though I did not know what I had done, I happened to work with a driver who I had not seen for six months. Our shifts were like that inthat job.
He told me (As the last he heard from me was that I was going to get married) that while we were dating, he had seen her being very intermate with another guy. (He was one that I had been told was lodging with her parents. Turns out she was two timing me and they were in a relationship in a sexual way too. Something I had not done).
When I heard this I realized that she had been dating at least two guys while she was dating me and the days she was not on outings with me, she was with them. All suicidal thoughs left.
While I have passed her on the rare occasion, I have always walked passed. She has tried to go towards me but I will not talk to her. I do have faceblindness so sometimes I did not realize it was her at first.
The sad thing is that later her friend wanted to date me and I upset her because I said no in a mean way, as though her friend had a really beautiful heart, it was like I was expecting this as a type of attack from her? It turns out that it wasn't and I really regret what I said that day.. Not because I said no but because I was mean. (If I had dated her friend we would have been married by now I guess?) :(


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Mountain Goat
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09 May 2021, 5:17 am

Sorry. I type round the world and back exploring my thoughts, and I can never go straight to the point.
I dated a second lady then which I met on a Christian site. She was actually on the spectrum before I even knew what it was.
Se is a beautiful kind hearted lady. After mostly online and many hours of phoning, and we met on several occasions, somehow I knew deep down that she was not the one. She did not feel this though. But (And I really think she is wonderful) I could not exactly explain. I did not somehow get deep into love as somehow it did not feel right? (And I am not talking about sex. I have not gone quite that far with a lady but once came close with the first girlfriend, but we did not go that far).
I did not know how to tell her, but she kept asking me if I loved her (She kept needing re-assurance), and one day I did not reply, and I did not say anything but it was over.
I felt soo bad as I really want the best for her, but as it happened, I was kind of able to set her up with a man who I know is a nice guy from the same site, and they became an item and are married. But before that I kept checking to see she was ok (As I needed re-assurance that she was ok) and she said stop contacting her. (Was via text). I took this literally so I deleted her contact details which I regret as I later found out it was because she was not ready to be texted... So my only contact is via a mutual online (And once a year offline) friend who is in contact with her husband.
I have once met her and her husband since. I only talked to her once and asked if everything was alright. I could not say anything else as I could not get words to work. That was when we had outings via the mutual friend as they came down here for a holiday together. But I am happy to know she is ok, and I miss her friendship more then anything. We had lovely long conversations together... I miss that friendship more then I missed being in love... With her it is that friendship I missed.
That was a good few years ago.
Actually, she was the one who made me start to ask myself if I was on the spectrum, and that is a long story in itself, and I still do not know! :D


So yes. I would speak to this second lady I was dating. I really think a lot of her and respect her.
I would not want to speak to the first young lady though, as even if I wanted to words would not come out.


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kraftiekortie
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Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

09 May 2021, 5:50 am

I’m pretty optimistic that he’ll come back to you.

I wouldn’t like it if my lover watched porn, either. Porn is bull crap, anyway. It’s fake love. Real sex isn’t like that.



RVFlowers
Blue Jay
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Joined: 24 Jul 2015
Age: 40
Posts: 80

09 May 2021, 6:28 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I’m pretty optimistic that he’ll come back to you.


God you make me cry my eyeballs out. I so, so hope, you'll get it right.

Optimistic friends have said to me, 'looks like he still loves you, see it optimistic! He is thinking about you, about you together!' and they keep asking me how he put his 'no' to me that Tuesday night ... like he walked in and told me no (that's what I remember) but after that we talked and cuddled and held each other so long, he just questioned himself loudly 'why can't this like before' like 'why has this to be a no from me?'

If these days he is going over the question why this has to be a no, after all the talking we did that night, I would be very happy.

From the fact that he still says I love you too and I miss you too, I believe he is questioning himself if this no is permanent... or could turn into a yes if he finds reasons to try it one more time, like me being special, or valueing the part of our time together that was actually good.


These lonely days I'm working on myself, because of all we learned I've got work to do, too!
People coming at me and asking me 'don't you need the time out, too?' and I say, no, I just want to go on and work on it while I'm with him! I did my exploring of what's wrong with me for months and months, yet!

Still though I did the exploring, I did not grow stronger, I did grow fainter, more and more I walked over my own borders. I went to M. when I had chores to do at home, I postponed things like vacuuming and watering plants, fixing my kitchen, and I was mad at myself for not taking my time and I think I came across as grumpy or hasty when I was at M.'s place... eager to leave again because things needed to be done but I didn't allow myself the time.

He would do that better. He would set a specific time (and ok be ten minutes late) or say he had a lazy day and not meet with me at all. I regret that I was so withholding in this and that it in the end backfired on him.

It will take time to change this, especially towards him.
And maybe it is right to first practice this on friends, on work situations.


He silently admired me in a lot of things. Lately I had to pay my taxes, it really was a big deal this year, but logical because of financial changes throughout last year. I could pay it from my reserves. So (this was after the breakup) I shared this with him, because we just did - he shared every spent penny with me. And he said 'you can do this, you are great at saving money.' I know I am, I know he is not quite so... but yeah, just how he loved me and supported me. He trusted me for a great deal and I didn't return the favor so often... :|



RVFlowers
Blue Jay
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Joined: 24 Jul 2015
Age: 40
Posts: 80

09 May 2021, 8:38 am

I just got a long call from my older sister, who is in a totally different (safe marriage) relationship, but could give me advice anyway.

Yes, she said that, being who we were, we were not compatible with each other. That pains me, but I think, we have been, and we have grown incompatible. People grow and change all the time.

She also said that leaving him alone will bring good things. Fact that he biked past my house says he misses me. He apped me yesterday night that 'he is busy doing all kinds of things' when I asked him how he was. I interpret that as a sad thing, but she said; it might be he's working on change that he cannot speak of; or that he doesn't want you to know of yet. Giving an off answer doesn't at all mean he is steering away from me.

So as I stated before with these posts... I'm silent, I'm in a sort of hibernate.
I would of course be devastated if this all turns out sour and he's truly moving on, or planning a set of rules in which he can live as friends with me, no options open. On the long run I can't live in that shadow of what has been.

I cannot believe that if he is friends with me for a while, he wouldn't think of a relationship again. But I have to change for that. I have to let him go, I should not have doubts 'who is he seeing? was there someone in his bed? is he honest with the p*rn he watches? why isn't he answering me?'

s**t people, I have been a horrible girlfriend! Not all the time, but there have been repetitive trust issues that I showered onto him! I should have quit those trust issues a year ago! Be done with it after the first answer! Darn darn, why have I?

Please bear with me, for these oncoming days. I just want some musings, analyses if you will, I love analyses... but everything to distract me from thinking of him, or fretting over the question whether he is moving towards a new start with me, or moving away...



Mountain Goat
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Joined: 13 May 2019
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Posts: 14,202
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09 May 2021, 10:01 am

Everyone has things they are not so perfect in. You are learning a lot about yourself and about relationships. I missed out on all of this so I have no experience to draw on. Having experience means one is better prepared...


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