A predator vs a guy who is interested in dating

Page 2 of 2 [ 30 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2

IsabellaLinton
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Nov 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,353

19 Feb 2021, 1:01 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Thank you, Isabella Linton - that helped

I can think of a few male acquaintances who were predator material. Based on what I have read - some red flags ,
1. They were very insistent or pushy about coming over to my house or getting together too soon
2. They started invading my space
3. Asking me lots of nosy questions
4. They tried to control me
5. A few of them touched me or kissed me without my consent
6. They criticized me or put me down
7. I had one play mind game me


I'm glad you saw the signs. Those are all warning signs. Dealbreakers, actually.

My beau didn't come to my house at all for several months after meeting. In the beginning I didn't even tell him my address, because I was anxious about my personal space and my daughter's privacy. We used to meet with our dogs and go for long walks in semi-public places, even in the winter.

If you feel pressured in any of the above areas that you've mentioned, they aren't worth your time. Depending on the severity, move on and set strict boundaries about no contact. Needless to say but the non-consensual touch should also be reported, if it was something that made you uncomfortable.

Relationships involve daily work from both parties - whether it's time together, time spent apart to give each other space in a respectful way, or time spent pursuing one's own interests.

It's OK to like someone a lot from the beginning, but neither of you should rush the steps of getting to know each other.



Dog1
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 18 Apr 2019
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 133

19 Feb 2021, 2:03 pm

diagnosedafter50 wrote:
Beware of charming people.
Beware of people who fill you with compliments and make you feel like royalty.
Beware of people who make you feel good.
Beware of people who want to fall in love with you quickly are whom you fall in love with quickly.


No offense, but a lot of that is bad advice - and will probably hurt an Aspie girl’s chances of finding true love, if she meets a man who genuinely loves her and basically states his feelings outright.

Here is advice with more context:

A guy who is in love with you will not try to touch you on a first date:

Men who are dangerous and have bad intentions on dates are motivated by one thing: their penis.

When a man is motivated by his penis, he will naturally be horny - and this will lead to him touching you - whether it’s lots of hugs - or even him just lightly touching your arm.

If he touches you - he’s just horny - and also likely only has one thing on his mind.

If he doesn’t touch you - then he’s in love with you.

Men that aren’t driven by their penises will not have the motivation to touch you when you date.

He will respect you, respecting your space - this definitely means he’s in love with you.

Therefore - if he does state later on (assuming you two have known each other a while before the first date) that he loves you - then you should believe him.

If he leaves it at that and doesn’t try to get you to go back to a hotel with him to have sex, etc - then it’s real love.

Just because he’s charming and puts you on a pedestal or makes you feel good, doesn’t automatically mean he’s a villain.

The main factor here isn’t whether he’s charming or not - it’s his body-language.

Male body-language is very obvious and can be easy to read, when you know what to look for.

If he’s charming and touchy-feely on a first date - he’s a potential predator.

If he’s charming and doesn’t touch you and respects you and your space - he’s in love with you.

It’s all about whether his dick is motivating him, or his heart.

His body-language will make it clear.



Rexi
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Sep 2017
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 952
Location: Transylvania, Pyromania

19 Feb 2021, 2:36 pm

Dog1 wrote:
diagnosedafter50 wrote:
Beware of charming people.
Beware of people who fill you with compliments and make you feel like royalty.
Beware of people who make you feel good.
Beware of people who want to fall in love with you quickly are whom you fall in love with quickly.


No offense, but a lot of that is bad advice - and will probably hurt an Aspie girl’s chances of finding true love, if she meets a man who genuinely loves her and basically states his feelings outright.

Here is advice with more context:

A guy who is in love with you will not try to touch you on a first date:

Men who are dangerous and have bad intentions on dates are motivated by one thing: their penis.

When a man is motivated by his penis, he will naturally be horny - and this will lead to him touching you - whether it’s lots of hugs - or even him just lightly touching your arm.

If he touches you - he’s just horny - and also likely only has one thing on his mind.

If he doesn’t touch you - then he’s in love with you.

Men that aren’t driven by their penises will not have the motivation to touch you when you date.

He will respect you, respecting your space - this definitely means he’s in love with you.

Therefore - if he does state later on (assuming you two have known each other a while before the first date) that he loves you - then you should believe him.

If he leaves it at that and doesn’t try to get you to go back to a hotel with him to have sex, etc - then it’s real love.

Just because he’s charming and puts you on a pedestal or makes you feel good, doesn’t automatically mean he’s a villain.

The main factor here isn’t whether he’s charming or not - it’s his body-language.

Male body-language is very obvious and can be easy to read, when you know what to look for.

If he’s charming and touchy-feely on a first date - he’s a potential predator.

If he’s charming and doesn’t touch you and respects you and your space - he’s in love with you.

It’s all about whether his dick is motivating him, or his heart.

His body-language will make it clear.

That's if you have a low intel predator, most smarties know enough to not make mistakes like this and learn from experience. Top intel ones aren't able to be resisted or identified even by professional experts. Some people lived two separate lives with two wives for up to 11 years. I don't think it's that hard though, many wives don't really hire private eyes before and after marriage.


_________________
Sekky
Atheist
:cat: :cat:


IsabellaLinton
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Nov 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,353

19 Feb 2021, 3:07 pm

Dog1 wrote:
diagnosedafter50 wrote:
Beware of charming people.
Beware of people who fill you with compliments and make you feel like royalty.
Beware of people who make you feel good.
Beware of people who want to fall in love with you quickly are whom you fall in love with quickly.


No offense, but a lot of that is bad advice - and will probably hurt an Aspie girl’s chances of finding true love, if she meets a man who genuinely loves her and basically states his feelings outright.

Here is advice with more context:

A guy who is in love with you will not try to touch you on a first date:

Men who are dangerous and have bad intentions on dates are motivated by one thing: their penis.

When a man is motivated by his penis, he will naturally be horny - and this will lead to him touching you - whether it’s lots of hugs - or even him just lightly touching your arm.

If he touches you - he’s just horny - and also likely only has one thing on his mind.

If he doesn’t touch you - then he’s in love with you.

Men that aren’t driven by their penises will not have the motivation to touch you when you date.

He will respect you, respecting your space - this definitely means he’s in love with you.

Therefore - if he does state later on (assuming you two have known each other a while before the first date) that he loves you - then you should believe him.

If he leaves it at that and doesn’t try to get you to go back to a hotel with him to have sex, etc - then it’s real love.

Just because he’s charming and puts you on a pedestal or makes you feel good, doesn’t automatically mean he’s a villain.

The main factor here isn’t whether he’s charming or not - it’s his body-language.

Male body-language is very obvious and can be easy to read, when you know what to look for.

If he’s charming and touchy-feely on a first date - he’s a potential predator.

If he’s charming and doesn’t touch you and respects you and your space - he’s in love with you.

It’s all about whether his dick is motivating him, or his heart.

His body-language will make it clear.


This is often true for sexual predators but there are also those who groom others over a long period of time to gain trust without touching or indicating sexual interest.

Likewise, there are other types of predators. Predation isn’t always sexual. There are financial predators, narcissists who want to boost their ego by dating / manipulating others, and predators who are needy for any partner they can find who will become dependent and possessive. Predators can use us for their own status. I dated closeted gay men who used me as a beard (cover) so their families wouldn’t know they were gay. I had no idea I was being used or that they weren’t genuine.

There are many reasons why a partner can use someone else without being sincere.

Perhaps the OP could clarify which types of predators she’s concerned about. Otherwise, I consider all types when I reply to her.

I’ve learned the hard way to set boundaries and go slowly.

Also, in love on a first date??? No way, whether they touch you or not.



Rexi
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Sep 2017
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 952
Location: Transylvania, Pyromania

19 Feb 2021, 3:36 pm

This is a song about predators, males especially. Some good data in there


_________________
Sekky
Atheist
:cat: :cat:


Summer_Twilight
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Sep 2011
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,895

20 Feb 2021, 11:16 am

These people may be nice enough, but there are other subtleties

1. The person may use covert gaslighting - which is very sneaky
2. Some egg shell walking
3. There may be lots of criticism
4. They may compare the victim to their other friends
5. Play the victim card



Rexi
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Sep 2017
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 952
Location: Transylvania, Pyromania

20 Feb 2021, 12:13 pm

They might seek attention by putting themselves down to get compliments.


_________________
Sekky
Atheist
:cat: :cat:


KT67
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 May 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,399

20 Feb 2021, 12:25 pm

Pre emptively ask him questions.

Questions ought to be back and forth and he shouldn't be gearing his answers around yours 100%.

I mean if you have some hobbies in common and not others, it's fine for him to say that.

But it's not fine for him to have giant mysterious gaps in his life where you've answered him in those respects. Or for him to be basically copying your fact based answers (lying).

Also if he acts totally a***hole about other people when he's not with them and is superficially charming to their face, that's a warning sign.

If he doesn't ask you if you want to get physically intimate but just reaches out and grabs you, warning sign. You have the right to bodily autonomy even within a relationship.
*
I think autistic people have a lot of trouble with this stuff partly cos we don't date from a friendship group. Having people in common is good. Building a friendship first is good. Get to know him. If some random off the street starts hitting on you, it's rarely going to work out well for you in my experience. I think that's why my cousin has been so successful in dating genuinely nice guys: she dates brothers of her friends or friends of friends or male friends. She doesn't date strangers.


_________________
Not actually a girl
He/him


CollegeGirlAnon
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 9 Jan 2021
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Posts: 199
Location: USA

20 Feb 2021, 4:25 pm

So, I have posted on here about having some sociopathic traits at least.

What I would say is be careful with people who display those. Or say they have them.

BUT, behavior is what matters.

Most sociopaths do not have much impulse control. They play mind games to an extent that majorly pissed off other people in cases where that is not needed.

This includes me btw. However I will say having grown up in the classroom with other ASD ppl mostly I try and not manipulate them.

I have a few that I would but they have done things like sexually assault me so IDC about them tbh. And for the record, anyone can rape/sexually assault someone. And no, the victim/survivor should never be expected to feel empathy or compassion for the perpetrator. Don’t argue with me on this unless you want a fight. (I am not going to give details on what happened btw, don’t ask)

I have some people I do adore...and I have to remind myself that they need me to care in a way that is understandable to them as well. I really try hard to do this.

For the most part, unless someone who has this type of disorder is open and wants to become more prosocial then I would not get involved. And even then be weary.

However, some people are attracted a lot to people with sociopathy so that’s...their thing I guess.

There is a ton of hype around sociopathy. I don’t really take what people say I have or not online that seriously because it can often be influenced on liking me or disliking me. And that annoys me.

But, people with sociopathy (and psychopathy which is more extreme) I would for the most part (like in I would say 95% - 99% of cases) avoid if I were you. But maybe I am wrong and overstating it, IDK.


_________________
Take what works, leave the rest.

What matters is behavior.

Avatar is Lydia from Breaking Bad. I do have a lot of Jesse in me though. See profile info, I don't PM much and I have boundaries around it.


that1weirdgrrrl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Jul 2017
Age: 40
Gender: Female
Posts: 773
Location: Between my dreams and your fantasies

20 Feb 2021, 8:39 pm

Rexi wrote:
They might seek attention by putting themselves down to get compliments.


This is a good point.

Someone who is super down on themselves will be very difficult to have a relationship with.

If they are putting themselves down to be manipulative and earn praise, that is no good.

If they are genuinely very down on themselves and have terrible self image, they will reject compliments or affections (because they genuinely believe they don't deserve love) and essentially wall themselves off from their partner and kill the relationship.

I have unfortunately experienced the latter. I really feel for those who are down on themselves, but they need to improve their own self image before they can start a healthy relationship......


_________________
...what do the public, the great unobservant public, who could hardly tell a weaver by his tooth or a compositor by his left thumb, care about the finer shades of analysis and deduction!


amykitten
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 17 Sep 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 175

20 Feb 2021, 9:25 pm

that1weirdgrrrl wrote:
Rexi wrote:
They might seek attention by putting themselves down to get compliments.


This is a good point.

Someone who is super down on themselves will be very difficult to have a relationship with.

If they are putting themselves down to be manipulative and earn praise, that is no good.

If they are genuinely very down on themselves and have terrible self image, they will reject compliments or affections (because they genuinely believe they don't deserve love) and essentially wall themselves off from their partner and kill the relationship.

I have unfortunately experienced the latter. I really feel for those who are down on themselves, but they need to improve their own self image before they can start a healthy relationship......


If the latter was also on the spectrum they might not know what to do with the compliments. I literally loathe getting them as I haven't got the foggiest how to act afterwards so downplay it, which can be seen as needing to improve self image.



Jono
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Jul 2008
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,348
Location: Johannesburg, South Africa

23 Feb 2021, 5:29 am

Dog1 wrote:
diagnosedafter50 wrote:
Beware of charming people.
Beware of people who fill you with compliments and make you feel like royalty.
Beware of people who make you feel good.
Beware of people who want to fall in love with you quickly are whom you fall in love with quickly.


No offense, but a lot of that is bad advice - and will probably hurt an Aspie girl’s chances of finding true love, if she meets a man who genuinely loves her and basically states his feelings outright.

Here is advice with more context:

A guy who is in love with you will not try to touch you on a first date:

Men who are dangerous and have bad intentions on dates are motivated by one thing: their penis.

When a man is motivated by his penis, he will naturally be horny - and this will lead to him touching you - whether it’s lots of hugs - or even him just lightly touching your arm.

If he touches you - he’s just horny - and also likely only has one thing on his mind.

If he doesn’t touch you - then he’s in love with you.

Men that aren’t driven by their penises will not have the motivation to touch you when you date.

He will respect you, respecting your space - this definitely means he’s in love with you.

Therefore - if he does state later on (assuming you two have known each other a while before the first date) that he loves you - then you should believe him.

If he leaves it at that and doesn’t try to get you to go back to a hotel with him to have sex, etc - then it’s real love.

Just because he’s charming and puts you on a pedestal or makes you feel good, doesn’t automatically mean he’s a villain.

The main factor here isn’t whether he’s charming or not - it’s his body-language.

Male body-language is very obvious and can be easy to read, when you know what to look for.

If he’s charming and touchy-feely on a first date - he’s a potential predator.

If he’s charming and doesn’t touch you and respects you and your space - he’s in love with you.

It’s all about whether his dick is motivating him, or his heart.

His body-language will make it clear.


The issue that I have with this is that being horny is not necessarily wrong, as long as everything done is consensual. The true test should be whether or not he respects her space. If he keeps touching her when she doesn't want it, or even though it makes her uncomfortable, then that should be the red flag.



Rexi
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Sep 2017
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 952
Location: Transylvania, Pyromania

24 Feb 2021, 1:19 am

There are less dangerous NPD people who mostly are sensitive to criticism and need to be groomed.
With this type it's likely not very pronounced so it's possible to have a good relationship or fruitful friendship with long-term.

There are also individuals who are dedicated to self-work in prder to prevent having a dear one leave like a wife. They know the consequences of not doing what they need to, to keep that person. Usually they accept and are true to the work with a psychologist and rely in a different way on close ones and test their reliability in need to prevent negative behavior that may change their lives into negative or put them in jail.


_________________
Sekky
Atheist
:cat: :cat:


MaxE
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Sep 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,929
Location: Mid-Atlantic US

27 Feb 2021, 10:06 am

What I've noticed about this thread is that every conceivable sort of personality disorder, that might make somebody a poor choice of partner, has been discussed; however not all these can be characterized as "predators".

Given that most people, particularly in the NT world, desire sex of some sort, then I think it's reasonable to state that many of those people (if single) are willing to consider sexual encounters that aren't related to feelings one partner has for the other (although many won't admit to this). However, if such an encounter involves two people in more-or-less equal positions of power, then neither is a predator. This doesn't mean that the decision to have sex is wise, but like I said, neither is a predator. A predator is somebody who takes advantage of some sort of power imbalance (this could simply be a difference in level of sophistication) to "persuade" the other person to have sex. Furthermore, a certain degree of cynicism is typically understood. For example, a person could take advantage of such an imbalance to initiate a physical relationship but genuinely desire for the relationship to continue and even lead to marriage. There are probably millions of long-term marriages out there, the beginning phase of which might appear as predatory at lease to some people.

Another piece of this is that typically only men are accused of being predators. There may be some validity for this. When the situation is reversed, it's not the same thing. I can think of times when I was in my early 20s that I was arguably the "victim" of sexual predators, however these incidents weren't psychologically damaging to me. The most "blatant" I suppose was when I was 22 and a 28-year-old approached me at an organizational event, chatted me up, then invited me to her apartment. After talking at her apartment for a while, she asked if I wanted sex. The imbalance there was one of experience and sophistication. She more or less assumed that somebody as young as myself, who had gone to that function alone, would automatically accept an offer of sex. My 32-year-old, considerably more experienced, self might not have agreed quite so automatically (or may have been more wary of the situation given the woman had openly spoken of having serious mental issues when introducing herself to me). She was by no means a bad person, but could have been legitimately accused of being a predator in that situation. Another case when I was 23, a woman younger than I (although I would have thought of her as a "girl" at that time) unexpectedly invited me to have sex after I had been hitting on her for a couple of days. In that case, the "imbalance" was that she was not forthcoming as to how blatantly limited her aims were to getting sex, falsely implying that her interest in me went further than that. I think at the time she meant to use me for sex then dump me, but then discovered that wasn't so easy.

A different example might be the girlfriend I've posted about before that I said I think was on the spectrum. She was very serious about her relationship with me even though she had the capacity for casual uncommitted sex with guys, but why I mention her is that she told me that she strongly identified with the Buck Brown "Granny" character who periodically appeared in Playboy cartoons. That character was probably the number one stereotype of a female sexual predator to exist in popular culture back then and the fact that my gf admired her seems to suggest she could at least fantasize herself being a sexual predator and entertain positive thoughts about it.

The major point here though is that in none of these situations would I say that I would consider myself a "victim". Naïve perhaps, but not somebody's whose "fate" would cause righteous outrage on the part of anybody.


_________________
My WP story