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threetoed snail
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25 Apr 2021, 4:19 pm

I think uncertainty is part of life. If that's something he can't decide and commit to right now, then that's just how it is. It's definitely better to admit the truth. But then that has to be a serious consideration before taking bigger leaps of faith. You two need to feel secure enough that things will be okay (regardless of relationship status) if any of those known uncertainties turns into an irreconcilable difference at some point. Having some blueprint of a Plan B needs to be part of Plan A, so you can get it out of the way and not worry about it.


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threetoed snail
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25 Apr 2021, 6:27 pm

Somewhat off topic but not really, and again maybe (probably...) this is a silly suggestion, but I find that video games sometimes help me emotionally process these sorts of "major life things" when plain reasoning doesn't seem to help (Night in the Woods was one of those games for me). If either of you also likes video games and feels the same about it, then maybe this one could be a good one to play sometime if you feel mentally stuck and need a distraction.


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25 Apr 2021, 7:28 pm

It seems to me that you two have communication issues.

That could be not saying things openly enough, or it could be not listening enough. Or both.

If there's something bothering you it needs to be clearly expressed, and understood. And then either you can work it out, or you can't.

I almost get the feeling it is easier for you to make a public post like this and discuss him as a third party, than it is to talk to each other direct?



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26 Apr 2021, 1:08 am

threetoed snail wrote:
Somewhat off topic but not really, and again maybe (probably...) this is a silly suggestion, but I find that video games sometimes help me emotionally process these sorts of "major life things" when plain reasoning doesn't seem to help (Night in the Woods was one of those games for me). If either of you also likes video games and feels the same about it, then maybe this one could be a good one to play sometime if you feel mentally stuck and need a distraction.

Night in the Woods is really great, it's a coming-of-age story. I played it for my 30th birthday, appropriately. It was during my hikikomori phase, and I didn't want to see anyone, I spent all day locked in my room playing it,
even urinated in a large mouthwash bottle so I won't have to come out
. I was frustrated that I was 30, talented, educated, and yet had nothing to show for it. I already knew about my autism by then but had yet to find solutions to my problems. Of course, I largely conquered it. It was a lone journey.

I'll make sure Rexi gets a chance to check it out, it's pretty great.



Last edited by r00tb33r on 26 Apr 2021, 1:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

r00tb33r
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26 Apr 2021, 1:19 am

I'll reiterate that this is all largely a mischaracterization, hyperbole, followed by extrapolation of it.

We have problems like any other couple that wants to get together for something more. Except for us it's been more difficult, because of what we are.

The logistical side of it I can solve. The largely irrational fears I don't know how to help.

I will abstain from participating in this though because we'd get bogged down in debunking and will do more damage than good.



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26 Apr 2021, 1:56 am

Redd_Kross wrote:
It seems to me that you two have communication issues.

That could be not saying things openly enough, or it could be not listening enough. Or both.

If there's something bothering you it needs to be clearly expressed, and understood. And then either you can work it out, or you can't.

I almost get the feeling it is easier for you to make a public post like this and discuss him as a third party, than it is to talk to each other direct?


Frankly, this thread shouldn't had existed.


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threetoed snail
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26 Apr 2021, 2:15 am

Well, it is a strange thread, that's for sure... haha. But if things aren't getting awkward between the two because of it, then no harm, I guess. I think reaching out when in doubt if you should reach out is, most of the time, a good idea. Thoughts get stale sometimes when you don't expose them to fresh air. I know I would have gone (even more) crazy during my relationship if I hadn't had people to talk to about it.

Having been, myself, in the position of being the one taking the leap of faith to move away from an original uncomfortable situation that I didn't want to consider having to come back to, and into a mostly unknown and uncertain one, I have a feeling that Rexi's fears may be more justified than r00tb33r might be able see. It's a tangled and convoluted emotional situation.


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26 Apr 2021, 5:38 pm

Rexi wrote:
Rexi wrote:
Rexi wrote:
He said who knows what happens that i might get pregnant. Which I really don't want to and will try very hard not to, and he agreed to help me prevent it.

Relying on that option is very strange to me especially since I have deep fears about pregnancy. And trusting him to prevent it when he's rooting for pregnancy is a bit of a far throw. Although he seems like a good guy and I exist too. My difficulty with doctor visits, providing pregnancy tests and contraceptives makes me worried though if it proves I can't rely on him, which I don't really expect. Besides, unless he'd somehow convince me to keep it, I would get an abortion.

This was a misunderstanding, he wasn't talking about children even though that's what I asked, he was talking about his desires to have children changing. Makes sense, it's not something he would have a reason to say.

Assuming he isn't waiting for my views and desires to change, he is waiting for his, I recall one time I asked him to provide an answer in a time limit [1month], to really think about it because waiting in uncertainty isn't healthy. It was about whether he can or can't do with the childless choice I made and if he can live with my lifestyle choices. So I would know what to do and which way to go forward. He felt like that was an ultimatum, and I can understand it's not settling and perhaps not a gentle way to proceed. he also is confused and I bet these aren't easy things to figure out. But one thing is certain, figuring out how he can feel fulfilled is very important to us. And views are what actually make that change, and so waiting for views to change is actually smart, but success isn't guaranteed. We don't choose what we believe. One way is to explore this in talks to see if the views change, because through talks there come new realizations. Another way is from life experiences that make people think about it and show the reality of the actual situation instead of imagining it.


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26 Apr 2021, 6:10 pm

Rexi wrote:
I linked it to him after I was done with it, I said he can relate his side.

Having people know and talk to me calms me. I feel like I'm not alone in something secret. It's not easy to reveal the vulnerable sides of both of us, I m thankful he's gentle with me despite doing it.

Generally it's going so good, but this issue has a great potential to destabilize both of us. He speaks some things that aren't that great and apologizes, and I feel like I'm losing control of the situation and I say blunt things and how to treat me. We explain a lot of things to each other to reassure one another, but it can only go so far because there are some things that are true that belong to each of us as needs. He took the first step to be here and in a way I feel like I should come up with something to make it all fair. But I don't feel like I can do the things that would really mean a lot to him, it's back and forth, I get scared. It seems like when Temple Grand talked about totally agreeing to go to a party and when that day comes bailing out because of overwhelming anxiety.

I want to meet him, and I see no issue with this, but he feels it's because it's easy and convenient for me, and he said he rushed things and that i shouldn't talk decisively about what ill do in the future because we don't know how our opinions will change but I think these important matters will still feel as hard. I just said that it won't happen and I won't do it but he didn't accept it.

There are various issues that have improved, he is more understanding and supportive and tells me that I don't have to do it, but when he talks about his unhappiness with not having me in rl and what he wishes and needing to see me in the morning before work and in the evening, I feel like after all that he's giving to me I will not be able to make it up to him. He says some things affect him and he doesn't know how long he's able to put up with them. That I think includes the way I talk to him and I think he needs better support, I'm not sure how to give it, I'm often not gentle when I have to say I won't do something and I think he's and hr even said it, he's often thinking about it and that seems like background frustration and I know it's very stressful on a person. Plus these things he's making due without that compel his needs. Its probably harder for him on a day to day basis than it is for me. It's mostly when we talk in depth about these things when I get so low that I m convinced I shouldn't be in any of it and feel powerless and that feels horrible, drains me a lot. At the same time I feel like with him there are endless opportunities, because he will help me through everything and always be there, no matter how things are going or even if it ends. But I have great doubts about how reality can really be, it seems to me everyone believes they'll always be and bad things will never happen but it always does and it ends. I want the situation itself to prove it's different, I can't be sure of anything else.

I fear a discrepancy between what I want to do and what I do for the relationship itself especially when Im so willing to please. And I fear being taken for granted if I do it and limiting the fun and independence I have in my life. I don't want to become a zombie at all, it's one of the fears of the failures I think I better change. At the same time some involvement is required to maintain a relationship, be it not always 'on my terms'.
He gives more than he healthily should, stays up with me despite having work and talking to me at work and he's pure sugar in most ways, so it's probably fine to set some dates at the right time to equalize the involvement even if it's a few responsibilities i have to unexpectedly attend to, it's positive to be able to manage some days for him. It really isn't bad if I don't do it non stop and it will help him not lose sleep when hes supposed to rest for work. He mentioned such dates a couple times now and I wasn't sure about it.

I find it harder and harder to involuntary be away from him to be alone or to keep some space after arguments, it kinda worries me. We cuddle up and kiss after arguments, is it right, is it wrong? Even after all the relationships, studying, I feel like a kid who knows nothing about dating. And I feel like we get along because we can be supportive and close. But we don't always that's why there are these problems.


Rootbeer needs to go over to you in Romantic, imo.
He needs to arrange some time off work so you two can relate in real life, even if it is for a relatively short time.
This way you are in your own element and can think in a more stable way rather than be confused and overwhelmed by a new environment.
Perhaps you have already discussed this elsewhere with him.

You obviously have a very strong connection with him.
Some people do make a long-distance relationship work.
To me, it seems to be a no-brainer for you two to meet in Romantic a number of times a year and see how the relationship develops, rather than rush into something that you obviously feel ambivalent about.

What are the travel restrictions regarding him going over to see you?
Covid is a non-issue, overall, for people living in Australia, so I don't have a clue other than a need for a 2 week quarantine period.
Now that vaccines are available, does this make things easier?


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Don't tell me white lies. Gaslight me at your peril. Don't give me your bad attitude. Hypnosis, psychosis. Tomarto, tomayto. There are *4* lights. Honey badger.
If I'm so bad, pass me by. ;)


And one more thing,


"A stranger is a friend gang-stalker you haven't met yet." Humour is not meant to be taken seriously, yet many pervert its intent.
Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)


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27 Apr 2021, 12:23 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
You two don't sound compatible.
It sounded like that to me as well at 1st but after thinking about it some I don't think the problem here is really incompatibility. In general I don't think that compatibility is as important to a relationship as lots of others like to believe that it is. Some very mismatched couples can have a very successful relationship like an Aspie & NT partner & some very compatible people cant make a romantic relationship work or one or both won't even consider a relationship with the other. I believe that one of the most essential factors to making a relationship work is that both people are committed to trying to make their relationship work. At the risk of sounding harsh here, it does not sound like either Rexi or r00tb33r are very committed to making their relationship work. Neither one of them seems willing to move out of their own country & they also both seem very hesitant to even leave their comfort zone & make the commitment into traveling to see each other. It does not sound like either one of them is really ready & wanting to marry the other rite now yet they are putting a lot of pressure on their relationship & each other by pushing the issue when neither one of them is really ready for that kinda commitment. Putting that kinda pressure on their relationship & each other to be married when their relationship is on very unstable ground is extremely risky. I'm NOT saying that things cant work out but things would be much safer if they slow down & try to relax & take the pressure off some.


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27 Apr 2021, 1:00 pm

I think this thread works better if someone who sounds like they have the same username as I do is a fictional character.

At this point I am much too mischaracterized here that causes many posts now to come to conclusions that are outright false. I don't mean a little bit false. I mean completely and fundamentally false and do not represent the reality.

This can do a lot of damage.



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27 Apr 2021, 1:16 pm

I have no problem with you, RootBeer.

I don't have a "false" impression of you, I don't believe.

I hope I don't do "damage."



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27 Apr 2021, 1:17 pm

The thread could be locked or even removed if requested.


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27 Apr 2021, 1:24 pm

The thread could be locked or deleted if desired, I think you have the right to ask for that since you are mentioned in it. If you are being mischaracterized then any further responses to the thread won't be of much help to your relationship anyways, since they won't address things properly.


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27 Apr 2021, 1:30 pm

Hi Rexi,

Change is a huge thing for anyone, especially those on the spectrum or have anxiety or both. Also doing something alone can be harder if you have no backup or support from anyone. Sounds like if you put feelings aside, your life isn't in America and his isn't where you are. You don't know anyone where he is apart from him and like you said, if something happens you'll have no one and nothing. You have to consider your future in terms of finances and practicalities too.

You'll have to meet in person too.

Sounds like you have different views. All things have to be considered in life, such as wanting the same things, family, do you share the same life goals? what about religious views?

are you willing to make the sacrifice? i know feelings are involved and mutual love is difficult to find but you two by the sounds of things sound incompatible.

Don't do anything rash.



threetoed snail
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27 Apr 2021, 1:34 pm

The way I saw it, the OP wasn't really about r00tb33r, but rather about Rexi's anxiety over the thought of "moving away from an original uncomfortable situation that she doesn't want to consider having to go back to, and into a mostly unknown and uncertain one" like I said. If she feels her anxiety over it hasn't changed and still feels like she could benefit from talking about it, maybe starting other threads with a more focused phrasing could help.


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Last edited by threetoed snail on 27 Apr 2021, 1:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.