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sorrowfairiewhisper
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27 Apr 2021, 1:34 pm

Wishing you all the best Rexi.

When it comes to someone being abroad you can't do background checks legally.

Meeting anyones a risk but especially online and from another country. Take care and stay safe



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27 Apr 2021, 1:41 pm

Redd_Kross wrote:
It seems to me that you two have communication issues.

That could be not saying things openly enough, or it could be not listening enough. Or both.

If there's something bothering you it needs to be clearly expressed, and understood. And then either you can work it out, or you can't.

I almost get the feeling it is easier for you to make a public post like this and discuss him as a third party, than it is to talk to each other direct?

I already told him these things, to stop when he talks as if Im going to move in with him and I felt like there was no way I could handle it alone, he wouldn't stop and I didn't know why, and there are some things that make me doubt his whole personna and his goals, and his feelings. It's very hard to trust him, it's why I need people to talk to and who can know, and potentially open my eyes or something. I don't know, I feel very vulnerable. I just want to be safe. And I don't want anything big. I never had marriage or even a relationship in mind. If I can't do what I want I don't want any part of it, I need to be free. I don't want to have to hide anything, it's not very safe if it's hidden, I know from experience. I didn't know what else to do, I was panicking and crying

Marriage is not going to happen, you guys should stop talking about it as if it's going to be a change, and my poly life is not something I want to trade, or my freedom to talk to other people or flirt. I've always missed it, while I was held hostage and alone, it's something I want to give to myself.


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Last edited by Rexi on 27 Apr 2021, 1:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

sorrowfairiewhisper
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27 Apr 2021, 1:45 pm

Does this chap have kids? an ex partner? if so that's another thing you'll have to consider taking on, being a step mum and him having his ex in his life because of the kids?

sounds like unless you'll eventually move in with him, this relationship isn't going to happen and it sounds like Rexi you'll have doubts so maybe it's time to nip it in the bud.



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27 Apr 2021, 1:54 pm

Rexi wrote:
I already told him these things, to stop when he talks as if Im going to move in with him and I felt like there was no way I could handle it alone, he wouldn't stop and I didn't know why, and there are some things that make me doubt his whole personna and his goals, and his feelings. It's very hard to trust him, it's why I need people to talk to and who can know, and potentially open my eyes or something. I don't know, I feel very vulnerable. I just want to be safe. And I don't want anything big. I never had marriage or even a relationship in mind. If I can't do what I want I don't want any part of it, I need to be free. I don't want to have to hide anything, it's not very safe if it's hidden, I know from experience. I didn't know what else to do, I was panicking and crying

Marriage is not going to happen, you guys should stop talking about it as if it's going to be a change, and my poly life is not something I want to trade, or my freedom to talk to other people or flirt. I've always missed it, while I was held hostage and alone, it's something I want to give to myself.

Okay I think it's very clear now: you guys are just not at all on the same page. You only "met" a couple months ago, right? If you don't want to be talking with him about these sorts of things, then it simply shouldn't be a topic of conversation.


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Rexi
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27 Apr 2021, 2:08 pm

sorrowfairiewhisper wrote:
Does this chap have kids? an ex partner? if so that's another thing you'll have to consider taking on, being a step mum and him having his ex in his life because of the kids?

sounds like unless you'll eventually move in with him, this relationship isn't going to happen and it sounds like Rexi you'll have doubts so maybe it's time to nip it in the bud.

He has no kids, no ex. Just a long time crush he's been friends with but it ended recently.


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sorrowfairiewhisper
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27 Apr 2021, 2:14 pm

Ah right. Well hopefully he has gotten over his ex, since it's been two months, maybe you two just need to focus on building a firm friendship and see if eventually you two will meet and travel?

If it's not eventually going to go anywhere then maybe it's best to have an online friendship. No need to rush into anything, still early days.

Sounds like if neither of you are going to travel to see each other, then theirs no relationship.



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27 Apr 2021, 2:14 pm

threetoed snail wrote:
Rexi wrote:
I already told him these things, to stop when he talks as if Im going to move in with him and I felt like there was no way I could handle it alone, he wouldn't stop and I didn't know why, and there are some things that make me doubt his whole personna and his goals, and his feelings. It's very hard to trust him, it's why I need people to talk to and who can know, and potentially open my eyes or something. I don't know, I feel very vulnerable. I just want to be safe. And I don't want anything big. I never had marriage or even a relationship in mind. If I can't do what I want I don't want any part of it, I need to be free. I don't want to have to hide anything, it's not very safe if it's hidden, I know from experience. I didn't know what else to do, I was panicking and crying

Marriage is not going to happen, you guys should stop talking about it as if it's going to be a change, and my poly life is not something I want to trade, or my freedom to talk to other people or flirt. I've always missed it, while I was held hostage and alone, it's something I want to give to myself.

Okay I think it's very clear now: you guys are just not at all on the same page. You only "met" a couple months ago, right? If you don't want to be talking with him about these sorts of things, then it simply shouldn't be a topic of conversation.

Yes the time has been very short. I asked him for 10 years to know him before visiting him, he said it's crazy and he's gonna be old, 44 yo. He doesn't want to lead an online relationship either, he said this is just a medium to turn it real.

Even after 10 years I feel trust is not going to be in the norm, like people tend to trust. There are some things that I think should never be done or people shouldn't be trusted with.


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27 Apr 2021, 2:39 pm

Rexi wrote:
Yes the time has been very short. I asked him for 10 years to know him before visiting him, he said it's crazy and he's gonna be old, 44 yo. He doesn't want to lead an online relationship either, he said this is just a medium to turn it real.

Even after 10 years I feel trust is not going to be in the norm, like people tend to trust. There are some things that I think should never be done or people shouldn't be trusted with.

10 years does sound like a really long time, but in the end the point seems to be that "it's out of the question for the time being and for the foreseeable future". And if that's how you feel about it, then that's how you feel about it. I think that shouldn't be up for debate, and it's more than reasonable to draw a line in the sand.


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27 Apr 2021, 2:51 pm

Quite frankly he is one in 7 billion, in the sense such a person is likely impossible to find. He's very mature and understanding and brilliant, and productive and successful despite his inexperience and successful despite his downsides. He's the dream of any woman, and especially me. He's so much more than they'd use him for.

But at the same time these things make me very confused. And confusion can be a really bad sign.


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27 Apr 2021, 3:15 pm

Rexi wrote:
Quite frankly he is one in 7 billion, in the sense such a person is likely impossible to find. He's very mature and understanding and brilliant, and productive and successful despite his inexperience and successful despite his downsides. He's the dream of any woman, and especially me. He's so much more than they'd use him for.

But at the same time these things make me very confused. And confusion can be a really bad sign.

Sounds like you're somewhat not on the same page as yourself then?..

The way I think about these sorts of things (and the way I approached my relationship) is by weighing what I have to lose by taking any risk or making any commitment against what I have to gain from it. My relationship was a clear failure, but I gained a lot from pursuing it, and I have no reason to regret it. It was that way by design. It was a "once in a lifetime chance" that I wasn't even looking for, but there were many warning signs, and I knew from the start it was likely to fail.


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sorrowfairiewhisper
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27 Apr 2021, 5:05 pm

Just remember with online stuff theirs Romance scams, cat fishing , doxxing and people may be having affairs online too. It’s very rare but they might be a murderer , rapist or abuser. I know you can meet someone like that in real life but online people put on a facade. Be safe

Edit. Whatever you decide to do is up to you. Always think Ah well then what if!

Good luck



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27 Apr 2021, 6:02 pm

Rexi wrote:
Redd_Kross wrote:
It seems to me that you two have communication issues.

That could be not saying things openly enough, or it could be not listening enough. Or both.

If there's something bothering you it needs to be clearly expressed, and understood. And then either you can work it out, or you can't.

I almost get the feeling it is easier for you to make a public post like this and discuss him as a third party, than it is to talk to each other direct?

I already told him these things, to stop when he talks as if Im going to move in with him and I felt like there was no way I could handle it alone, he wouldn't stop and I didn't know why, and there are some things that make me doubt his whole personna and his goals, and his feelings. It's very hard to trust him, it's why I need people to talk to and who can know, and potentially open my eyes or something. I don't know, I feel very vulnerable. I just want to be safe. And I don't want anything big. I never had marriage or even a relationship in mind. If I can't do what I want I don't want any part of it, I need to be free. I don't want to have to hide anything, it's not very safe if it's hidden, I know from experience. I didn't know what else to do, I was panicking and crying

Marriage is not going to happen, you guys should stop talking about it as if it's going to be a change, and my poly life is not something I want to trade, or my freedom to talk to other people or flirt. I've always missed it, while I was held hostage and alone, it's something I want to give to myself.


It looks like I totally misread the situation.
Apologies.


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28 Apr 2021, 2:48 pm

Rexi and I talked some more about the fears and anxieties that caused the need for this thread and the understanding that I got is that my lack of firmness regarding some positions in life causes panic for her. We've had a talk about the fact that I'm not in a position to make some of those major decisions in life at this time or in the coming years as they are contingent on the situation, and it seems to have had a positive effect.

In any case, she explained to me that the portrayal in this thread is the projection of her worries and the accuracy of it isn't critical. It's probably best not to make assumptions about us. She would like the support she can get here, so that should be the main focus rather than getting bogged down in the details.



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28 Apr 2021, 11:28 pm

I hope that you are able to work out a satisfactory solution for both of you.

((Hugs))

I wish you all the best


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