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dorkseid
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25 Apr 2021, 9:19 pm

Women don't just entirely ignore that I exist. I have a long history of women going out of their ways to spend time with me and get to know me. But it has always been strictly as a friend. This has happened many time in college and afterwards. Most of these women had boyfriends at the time, but even when someone didn't she always made it clear she was only interested in being a friend and nothing more.

Some examples:

In college I worked at a swimming pool, and the life guard I worked with became close friends with me. We regularly spent time together outside of work and she regularly invited me to her family's home on holidays. She had a boyfriend who was serving in Afghanistan at the time.

There was one young lady who wasn't in any of my classes but we knew each other through the campus community, and she went out of her way to spend time with and build a friendship. At first I thought she might be into me but I soon found out she had a boyfriend.

There was a lady I occasionally saw in some of my classes. I didn't know who she was for a few years, but I found her attractive. Eventually we ran into each and started chatting. She was very interested in getting to know me and we chatted online often, but one of the first things she asked me was if I knew her boyfriend. After a while she told me that she had broke up with her boyfriend. I thought about asking her out but I didn't feel confident because of all the past rejections I'd experienced, and she had said something about getting tired of getting hit on and I took that to mean she didn't want to be asked out. I started dating my ex soon after that.

At a past job I met a woman I was attracted to and started chatting with her. She was single and had a little boy. She became very interested in spending time with me. We regularly hung out and went shopping or to the zoo and all kinds of other things together. This continued for months until I tried to make a move, at which point she told me she was only interested in being friends. She had been behaving in a way that gave me the impression she was interested and only told me she wasn't months later, which made me get strongly emotionally invested so I didn't take it well when she finally did tell me she wasn't interested and our friendship ended on bad terms.

At another job I met a young lady who I became good friends with. At one point she set me up on a date with one of her friends.

At my current job, I have a coworker who is constantly complementing me. I do like her and I appreciate it, but at the same it's become so often that it's starting to make me a little uncomfortable at times. However, she does have a boyfriend a daughter. Another married coworker also enjoys hanging out and chatting with me during breaks.

I have known my closest friend for over 16 years. We met when we were in college and started hanging out a lot. We got very close and she has always been the one friend who always was there for me and did whatever she could to help and support me even when I was going through the most difficult times in my life. She had a boyfriend when we met and has been in a out of a number of relationships over the years. There were times when I was interested in her romantically, but even when she wasn't seeing anyone she made clear she was never interested in me in that way.

I do want to clarify that I appreciate having so many people who like me and want to be my friends. But when that's every woman I get to know it leaves me with no prospects for anything else.

Also, I'm not even saying that I was attracted to of romantically interested in all of the ladies I mentioned. I'm just laying out the pattern my life has followed.

I'm thinking that something is wrong with me. The more I think about, the more I come to the realization that not only think of me as "just friends" material; but I actually believe that in some way, because they feel no kind of attraction toward me, it makes me feel to them like I'm "safe". That they feel comfortably enough to get close to me as friends because there's no "threat" of any kind of sexual tension.

I'm going to be alone forever.



kraftiekortie
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25 Apr 2021, 10:19 pm

It’s certainly better than women not wanting to be your friend.

I’ve been in the same situation.



Muse933277
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26 Apr 2021, 9:39 am

I have several theories.

1. There are some people who say that if you wait too long to express your romantic interest in a woman, they will have a tendency to friendzone you. Perhaps there are several reasons for this with the first being that if you give off a friends vibe, she will have a tendency to just see you as a friend. Secondly, once you're deep in the "just friends" category, then it would be super weird to all of a sudden, try to get romantic with her. Imagine if you were friends with a girl for 2 years and then all of a sudden out of the blue, she says she's in love with you and tries to kiss you. It would be weird. So one way to avoid this scenario is to ask them out fairly quickly, within a month of first meeting them.

2. Another theory is that they were never interested in you in the first place. You see, it only takes 3 seconds after seeing someone for the first time that we determine whether or not we find them attractive and see them as a potential romantic partner. And if a girl finds you unattractive from the get-go, you're almost never going to change her mind. You can waste months, or maybe even years, chasing after a girl who put you into the no category right out of the gate; wheres had you of asked her out after just 1 month, you could have saved loads of time.


3. The final theory is that you're a nice guy, but the women who you are pursuing simply don't find you physically attractive.



Last edited by magz on 27 Apr 2021, 2:06 am, edited 1 time in total.: Please, avoid "red pill" language

Fnord
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26 Apr 2021, 10:11 am

You might have been better off to post your question in the Women's Discussion thread, since the only replies to your query so far have been from men (including this reply); and as men, we can only speculate on the answer.


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amykitten
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26 Apr 2021, 3:21 pm

Muse933277 wrote:
2. Another theory is that they were never interested in you in the first place. You see, it only takes 3 seconds after seeing someone for the first time that we determine whether or not we find them attractive and see them as a potential romantic partner. And if a girl finds you unattractive from the get-go, you're almost never going to change her mind. You can waste months, or maybe even years, chasing after a girl who put you into the no category right out of the gate; wheres had you of asked her out after just 1 month, you could have saved loads of time.


I disagree with this theory, but then as someone who isn't NT I might be an exception to the rule. Some things such as psychical appearances can change, so if a guy had a long beard one day then shaved and wore glasses I would be all over him. Also the dynamic at the time of meeting might not be right as she was pursuing someone else, once that hit a dead end she might reevaluate her relationships.



idntonkw
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26 Apr 2021, 10:30 pm

I can totally see that - you have the qualities to make you a friend, but don't have the qualities to be sexually attractive. I had the opposite problem - I had women interested in me for my looks and sexually attracted to my looks, but once they interacted with me, they got turned off because I was a useless at being a friend and actually made them feel bad!



that1weirdgrrrl
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26 Apr 2021, 10:57 pm

amykitten wrote:
Muse933277 wrote:
2. Another theory is that they were never interested in you in the first place. You see, it only takes 3 seconds after seeing someone for the first time that we determine whether or not we find them attractive and see them as a potential romantic partner. And if a girl finds you unattractive from the get-go, you're almost never going to change her mind. You can waste months, or maybe even years, chasing after a girl who put you into the no category right out of the gate; wheres had you of asked her out after just 1 month, you could have saved loads of time.


I disagree with this theory, but then as someone who isn't NT I might be an exception to the rule. Some things such as psychical appearances can change, so if a guy had a long beard one day then shaved and wore glasses I would be all over him. Also the dynamic at the time of meeting might not be right as she was pursuing someone else, once that hit a dead end she might reevaluate her relationships.


Seconding ^


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Mona Pereth
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28 Apr 2021, 9:06 am

Muse933277 wrote:
I have several theories.

1. There are some people who say that if you wait too long to express your romantic interest in a woman, they will have a tendency to friendzone you.

That claim is an overgeneralization at best. I knew my current boyfriend for three and a half years before there was any hint of a more-than-platonic relationship.

Muse933277 wrote:
You see, it only takes 3 seconds after seeing someone for the first time that we determine whether or not we find them attractive and see them as a potential romantic partner.

It has always taken me A LOT longer than 3 seconds to determine whether I see someone as a potential romantic partner. For most of my life I've had a very cautious friendship-first approach to romantic partnerships, and I'm certainly not the only person with such an approach.

The very idea of "love at first sight" has always struck me as ridiculous.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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28 Apr 2021, 9:19 am

As Optimus Prime.

That, if you mean the women here.


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Mona Pereth
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28 Apr 2021, 10:40 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
As Optimus Prime.

That, if you mean the women here.

I don't understand what you are saying here, at all. What is the relevance of Optimus Prime? And what are you referring to as "that"?


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Muse933277
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28 Apr 2021, 11:22 am

Mona Pereth wrote:


That claim is an overgeneralization at best. I knew my current boyfriend for three and a half years before there was any hint of a more-than-platonic relationship.



Yeah but the friends first approach is a stupid ass strategy for finding a girlfriend if you think about it. Why waste 6 months of your life chasing after a girl who will never be attracted to you, when you could ask a girl out within a month so even if she says no, you're no longer wasting your time?

Actually I take that back, the friends first strategy can work for some guys. Here's the thing, different guys have different strengths and weaknesses and when you're playing the game of dating, you should play to your strengths. Steph Curry (NBA player) is a great shooter, but if you ask him to play down low, he's going to suck. So you have to play to your strengths.


Guys who are really good looking (8+ or higher on a looks scale, maybe a 7) would probably excel at bar game, night game, online dating, or short term FWB type relationships. Because in these type of environments, it's based on superficiality so the good looking and charismatic man is naturally going to excel. Really good looking men don't need to be friends with a woman first because their looks usually attract women fairly quickly, especially if the woman is just looking to hookup.


For guys who are less good looking and who can't rely on their looks to attract women, then being friends first is a good strategy. Average/ugly men's best strategy is to play the long-term game and for the woman to get to know them first since men in this category can't rely on their looks or their "charisma" to immediately attract women. These type of men probably arne't going to excel at bar game or short term hookups where looks are the top factor.



magz
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28 Apr 2021, 11:32 am

Muse933277 wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:


That claim is an overgeneralization at best. I knew my current boyfriend for three and a half years before there was any hint of a more-than-platonic relationship.



Yeah but the friends first approach is a stupid ass strategy for finding a girlfriend if you think about it. Why waste 6 months of your life chasing after a girl who will never be attracted to you, when you could ask a girl out within a month so even if she says no, you're no longer wasting your time?

If you find having friends a waste of time, I have no further questions.


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28 Apr 2021, 11:55 am

Mrs. Fnord and I were friends for over 2 years before I popped the question, and we have been friends ever since ... "married with benefits", but still friends, as well!

:heart: :heart:


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The_Face_of_Boo
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28 Apr 2021, 3:09 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
As Optimus Prime.

That, if you mean the women here.

I don't understand what you are saying here, at all. What is the relevance of Optimus Prime? And what are you referring to as "that"?


His avatar here, is of a character called "Optimus Prime". So anyone who views him here, he's gonna view him as Optimus Prime.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Optimus_Prime

Got it?
Image


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r00tb33r
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28 Apr 2021, 6:46 pm

^ :lol:



Mona Pereth
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29 Apr 2021, 7:00 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
His avatar here, is of a character called "Optimus Prime".

"His" avatar here? Whose avatar?


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