Girl 28 in a relationship for 6 months with someone else

Page 1 of 1 [ 9 posts ] 

accountinglad
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 4 Dec 2013
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 359

08 May 2021, 7:59 am

The girl I work with has been dating a guy for around 6 months. She has lately been telling my male friend she loves me. She is very touchy feely when sitting down with other coworkers for lunch touching my arm multiple times in conversation. Other times she will eat with her boyfriend and not be around others. She seems a lot more flirty around me than with her boyfriend where I assume the conversation is basically him moaning.

She will always send heart emojis to my emails and she has said a long time ago on a night out she loves me.

I have not felt this way about anyone and I do not mind the work consequences as I do not enjoy the job only the coworkers and socialising aspect.

Would it be a bad idea to say I know she's dating someone but I really like her



Mountain Goat
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 May 2019
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,033
Location: Wales,UK Relationship: Single Interests: Railways AgeGroup: 40's FavouriteColor: Green Music: CyndiLauper Feet: Left and Right Pets: Cats and Ducks BodyType: 2Legs,2Arms,1Head

08 May 2021, 8:29 am

A difficult one. You could go on an outing and see how it goes? If it works it works. If it doesn't it doesn't.


_________________
Awaiting asessment. Neurodiverse 173/200. Neurotypical 21/200. Empathy 11/80. AQ 39.
Shutdown link: --》 Music I love: --》
Shutdown Experience similar to mine: --》


BeaArthur
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Aug 2015
Posts: 5,745

09 May 2021, 2:17 pm

Ugh. Even if she hits it off with you, she's the kind who will cheat on one relationship while she looks for something she likes better. Which means she will eventually do this to you as well.

If she wants to start seeing you, tell her you don't date someone who is with someone else. Let her break up and stay broken up for a minimum of a month. This is the only honest and proper way that you could date her.


_________________
A finger in every pie.


Minervx_2
Raven
Raven

Joined: 22 May 2016
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 123

09 May 2021, 2:46 pm

approach with caution.



Mona Pereth
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Age: 63
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,971
Location: New York City (Queens)

10 May 2021, 1:03 am

accountinglad wrote:
The girl I work with has been dating a guy for around 6 months.

[...]

She will always send heart emojis to my emails and she has said a long time ago on a night out she loves me.

(Emphasis mine.)

How long ago? Longer ago than the six months she and her current boyfriend have been together, or more recently?

If longer ago, why didn't the two of you form a relationship back then, or at some point before she got involved with her current boyfriend?

I think we need to know the answers to these questions, and possibly more about the overall situation, before any sound advice can be given.


_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- Longterm visions for the autistic community


Last edited by Mona Pereth on 10 May 2021, 1:51 am, edited 2 times in total.

Sweetleaf
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 32,396
Location: Somewhere in Colorado

10 May 2021, 1:10 am

I mean kinda seems she is not ready to break it off with the current guy, but is still flirting around looking for other guys. So I guess if you really like here it could be worth the potential risk to get involved with her....but I mean if she hasn't broken it off with her current boyfriend her getting with you would be cheating on him and how do you know she would not end up doing the same thing to you? Or at least that is one perspective.

Of course some people also have open relationships where it is ok for them to get with other people within their relationship but also in that situation you'd have to figure if you actually feel comfortable with the idea of sharing your partner. But yeah there are people that have multiple sexual relations at once in which in their relations its not seen as a cheating thing so there is also the possibility that is what is going on with her.


_________________
I am an anti-fascist, if you gotta problem with it you can stick it up your you know where.


DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,237
Location: Northern California

11 May 2021, 1:52 am

Unfortunately, the word "love" does not have one, single meaning. It can mean "adore" for a co-worker you really admire and enjoy being around, or "lust" for someone you want to be physically romantic with. Of course, one can turn into or combine the other, but I'd be careful with conclusions on exactly what she meant when she made those statements.

I've off the cuff said "I love X" referring to a co-worker, but it was definitely just the "adore" definition. I was so used to everyone saying they "loved" things about him that it hadn't occurred to me anyone would need clarification. However, the reaction I got made it obvious clarification was definitely necessary. Oops.

There is also the whole timing thing, where sometimes people expect to eventually end up with someone, but for various reasons don't believe the time for that should be today.

If your romantic interest in her is growing, it might be time for an honest conversation, as awkward as that seems. Sometime when its just you two, you could simply ask, "do you think you and I should date someday? It's something I've been thinking about lately lately." That kind of phrasing is pretty open ended and might get her talking about her feelings, as well as her ideas on timing, etc.

You have to VERY cautious about starting or talking about relationships with someone you work with. There can't be the slightest hint of pressure, but if you never let her know you have interest, it will never get explored, and you could be leaving something great on the table.

But ... I'm the one who put her foot in her mouth blurting out how I "loved" a guy I saw as a good friend, so who am I to really say? I've been happily married for 25 years now so I guess I either stumbled into the right place or eventually figured something out about relationships. So, really, all I can do is wish you luck. Long run, luck really does have a whole lot to do with it all.


_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


Champagne supernova
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 3 May 2021
Gender: Male
Posts: 63
Location: North West England

12 May 2021, 12:08 am

You can't fall in love with someone that's already in a relationship, it's just going to end in heartbreak. I would break contact with her, be a bit distant and if she asks what's been going on just say I'm giving you time/space to be with your boyfriend.
Then she will realise she will have to break it off with her boyfriend if she wants to have more with you. It's going to be hard and may not work out in your favour but you can't keep going down the same path.
In the mean time concentrate on other girls. It may get her jealous or you may find someone better.
I am speaking from experience, girls will do this and have backups in case their current boyfriend doesn't work out. Do you want to be waiting forever? Or do you want to try other women?



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 76,345
Location: Queens, NYC

12 May 2021, 6:53 am

I wound glory in the emojis....but don’t get involved with her.

Sounds like she’s a heavy game player. You really don’t want to get involved in this “game.”

Bad things would probably happen should you start “seeing” this person...especially since you work with her.