What I "want" and the idea of "settling".

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AquaineBay
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11 Oct 2021, 2:32 pm

What I "want" and the idea not to "settle" for somebody. I see this way too often in today's world. Why do people have all these criteria for getting in relationships or marriage(some of which in the long-term doesn't even matter)? Funnily enough everyone says what they "want" regarding relationship and marriage but, they never ask or think to themselves what the person that they "want" would want from them and can they offer that to said person. Could it be possible that too many choices is a bad thing or that the freedom to choose who you want is a bad thing?

And then there is "settling". Settle: definition; To resolve or reach an agreement about(argument or problem). In the context of relationships to settle should be to realize that you WILL NOT get what you "want" in a person(If you get at least 50% or above you are pretty lucky!) and that the person you chose even though they didn't fit what you wanted you accept that and find ways to make it work and love each other regardless of the differences. Settling is not about resenting that you didn't get what you want and now you are unhappy and bitter because this is the truth about relarionships, a husband or wife(boyfriend or girlfriend) job is not to make YOU happy, that is your job! If you look across the entire world, in relationships the husband protects and provides and the wife supports the husband and brings him peace(this is traditional but, there are other ways to make a relationship work). No where in there did it say that either one of them is suppose to make YOU happy! While I don't want people to get into relationships just because, I wish people would realize that at some point in your life(especially women if you plan on having kids, blame the creator not me or men in general for this.) you will have to choose somebody and, that somebody will most likely than not be someone you were not expecting to be your significant other. I would like to hear other people's opinion on this. Do you agree with what I'm saying or do you disagree and why do you agree/disagree?

Tl:Dr I think people these days have an unrealistic expectation when it comes to relationships and marriage. Do you agree or disagree and why do you agree/disagree?



Ettina
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11 Oct 2021, 3:46 pm

"Settling" can mean different things in context.

Most people have to "settle" to some degree, because their Platonic ideal of a romantic partner doesn't actually exist in real life, so they need to accept someone who is "good enough" rather than "perfect".

However, "settling" can also refer to getting involved with someone who is clearly inadequate in some way because you've given up on finding anyone better. This is a common mentality for victims of domestic violence - they can end up stuck in an abusive relationship because their self-confidence is so low they're convinced they'll never find anyone better.



theprisoner
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11 Oct 2021, 4:44 pm

To me, settling is getting involved with somebody because its convenient but you dont really feel that much for them.
Of course you have to realize realistically your own worth and not feel entitled to something more than your deserve, and of course everybody wants that perfect partner/ situation to materialize. To me, it's all about finding somebody you have "chemistry" with, "chemistry" is a rather vague intangible term, but it's a very real thing when it happens. It doesnt help that all this is a 100 times harder if you were diagnosed with ASD.


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AquaineBay
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11 Oct 2021, 5:04 pm

The first example is the idea of "settling". The second is literally giving up because there was no mutual agreement to anything. Also, to get involved with somebody who is clearly inadequate is both on the fault of the person who did it and the person who is "inadequate".
A relationship requires two people to work, now sympathy to those who were tricked by a person playing a false persona of themselves my heart goes out to them but, if you as a person found someone "inadequate" and stayed with them anyway then you are at fault as much as the person that you are in a domestic violence despute.

Also most people choose to have the mindset of "settling", no one is perfect for anybody and if one believes that then that's a problem(being in such a situation like that before I would know). The idea of "accepting someone who is good enough" automatically makes a person sound entitled and think they deserve something more than they actually have.



AquaineBay
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11 Oct 2021, 5:16 pm

theprisoner wrote:
To me, settling is getting involved with somebody because its convenient but you dont really feel that much for them.
Of course you have to realize realistically your own worth and not feel entitled to something more than your deserve, and of course everybody wants that perfect partner/ situation to materialize. To me, it's all about finding somebody you have "chemistry" with, "chemistry" is a rather vague intangible term, but it's a very real thing when it happens. It doesnt help that all this is a 100 times harder if you were diagnosed with ASD.


"Chemistry" is a vague term and one where I have seen and heard fail more often than it has succeeded. I personally don't try and look for it because it is so vague that "Chemistry" can mean different things from one person to the next. I also think some people add that into the mix when they talk about "settling", it is too vague to put a foundation on to build something off of it.



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11 Oct 2021, 5:43 pm

I couldn't have stated these things better myself.

You nailed it, AB!

(btw, from one Houstonian to another, what are your thoughts on the dating scene here?)


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AquaineBay
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11 Oct 2021, 6:15 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:
I couldn't have stated these things better myself.

You nailed it, AB!

(btw, from one Houstonian to another, what are your thoughts on the dating scene here?)


I have not personally tried dating here because of how Texas in general has been dealing with COVID. I see too many people taking masks off or putting them down on the bus and it seems that quite a lot of people think that getting a vaccination means you are now immune to the disease. I also am working on myself right now to get to a position where I feel comfortable dating someone so that we each get the outcomes we want(Me and the person I'm dating). Simple answer to your question: I have no answer because I haven't dated here in Houston.



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11 Oct 2021, 11:11 pm

AquaineBay wrote:
theprisoner wrote:
To me, settling is getting involved with somebody because its convenient but you dont really feel that much for them.
Of course you have to realize realistically your own worth and not feel entitled to something more than your deserve, and of course everybody wants that perfect partner/ situation to materialize. To me, it's all about finding somebody you have "chemistry" with, "chemistry" is a rather vague intangible term, but it's a very real thing when it happens. It doesnt help that all this is a 100 times harder if you were diagnosed with ASD.


"Chemistry" is a vague term and one where I have seen and heard fail more often than it has succeeded. I personally don't try and look for it because it is so vague that "Chemistry" can mean different things from one person to the next. I also think some people add that into the mix when they talk about "settling", it is too vague to put a foundation on to build something off of it.


A little bit of thought on what "chemistry" could possibly be....

When two people meet each other for the first time and they just instantly get along really well. Not because of physical attraction, but because they both process the world around them in a similar fashion and that makes it easier for them to interact with each other and understand each other more naturally (even a little intuitively).

For an autistic person this ocurrance is exceedingly rare, but it can still happen.

This is what I would define as "chemistry" anyway.


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Minervx_2
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12 Oct 2021, 1:16 pm

For me, there are the core essentials that are very important (i.e. romantic spark, good communication, maturity, good person, intelligent). And the rest, I'm willing to compromise on.



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12 Oct 2021, 2:42 pm

Minervx_2 wrote:
For me, there are the core essentials that are very important (i.e. romantic spark, good communication, maturity, good person, intelligent). And the rest, I'm willing to compromise on.


Those are some reasonable requests but two of them I would say is something that might not matter too much in the long-term and that is romantic spark and intelligence. Here is why I say that: (1)"romantic spark" will fade overtime. There is too much research done that says that for the majority of relationships romantic spark doesn't last throughout a relationship or marriage(unless you are one of the lucky few that it does). (2)"Intelligence" there are many different types of intelligence in this world and to just say "intelligent", you might meet someone who is "street smart" while you're "book smart" or for people on the spectrum you could meet someone who is intelligent as heck in trains or computers but be average at pretty much everything else.(this is an example, I'm not saying that this is you). Even in your core values or essentials you may have to compromise a little because like I said in the beginning, no one is perfect.

Me personally I look for integrity, consistancy, and a nurturing and loving person. I don't expect this woman to be this way all the time or even fit all three but even 2 out of 3 is good enough(well I guess 2 out of 4 if you split nurturing and loving but still, not bad that's 50%!). Now what would this woman want from me? I will be real and say that she would most likely want a guy with a house of his own, a car, and a job and stable income to feel safe and secure. Can't be too nurturing if you have no place to live and consistency is out the window when you are homeless(for you and her) and it's hard to have integrity and love in general when you are fighting just to survive on a day to day basis. I am working on myself because if I look at her list, I meet none of those requirements from her list. This is how I see approaching relationships and marriage in a "realistic" sense. Mine is more traditional I'll be honest but I think you get the point.



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12 Oct 2021, 3:00 pm

Why bother settling though? Why do you want some person you're not really attached to kicking round your house? No thanks.

The beauty of the modern world is that you can choose. You can have freedom and you don't need to be stuck with someone to get by.

I'm an INTJ though. There are few people I can connect with or tolerate being around for extended periods of time.

Alone is joyful freedom to me. I'm glad I don't live in the past where women couldn't be independent easily.



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12 Oct 2021, 6:23 pm

hurtloam wrote:
I'm an INTJ though. There are few people I can connect with or tolerate being around for extended periods of time.


I deeply relate to this ^^^

That's why when I do meet the rare human I can get along with for extended periods of time, I treasure them regardless of age, gender, or attraction.


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13 Oct 2021, 1:53 am

I'm just thinking there's one person I would have settled for. He had his head screwed on right. He was a positive influence. But something was missing. I'm not sure what. We hung out together a lot, we had a low level romantic interest, but it didn't go anywhere and he met someone else. I never saw it as a huge loss because we were never "in love". But I guess that's the kind of person OP is saying we could settle with and be happy.

However, those people are hard to find. Everyone I've been entangled with other than him has hurt me, detracted from my life and dragged me down mentally and emotionally.

As hard as it is to find romance, it's harder to meet a generally decent man who won't be a burden. They just use you as a time filler until they find what they really want.



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13 Oct 2021, 5:58 am

AquaineBay wrote:
What I "want" and the idea not to "settle" for somebody. I see this way too often in today's world. Why do people have all these criteria for getting in relationships or marriage(some of which in the long-term doesn't even matter)? Funnily enough everyone says what they "want" regarding relationship and marriage but, they never ask or think to themselves what the person that they "want" would want from them and can they offer that to said person.


People are going to have higher standards for what they want in a life partner than for any other kind of relationship, because assuming you're monogamous like the majority, you only get one life partner, where you can have many friends and family members. Moreover, your significant other is meant to be your most important relationship, so setting the bar higher than with any other relationship makes sense.

How do you purport to know what other people are thinking? While it's true that some individuals on the spectrum are going to have a harder time understanding or be less prone to thinking about the needs and wants of others because of mind blindness, you can't assume you know what's going on in other people's heads. Just because someone's more focused on talking about their needs and wants from a relationship (pretty much everyone is this way) doesn't mean they're not also considering the needs and wants of people they're trying to attract.

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Could it be possible that too many choices is a bad thing or that the freedom to choose who you want is a bad thing?


Depends who you are. The winners of abundant choice will be people who have been given a greater chance of finding someone they really like. The losers will be people who never get chosen as a result of not measuring up to the other options available.


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And then there is "settling". Settle: definition; To resolve or reach an agreement about(argument or problem). In the context of relationships to settle should be to realize that you WILL NOT get what you "want" in a person(If you get at least 50% or above you are pretty lucky!) and that the person you chose even though they didn't fit what you wanted you accept that and find ways to make it work and love each other regardless of the differences. Settling is not about resenting that you didn't get what you want and now you are unhappy and bitter because this is the truth about relarionships

Settling could be interpreted to mean dating someone who doesn't meet 100% of your preferences, but generally in the context of dating, settling means dating someone you're not really satisfied with, because of a lack of other prospects available to you.
Getting with someone whom you're happy with overall but wish they were different in a handful of ways is completely different to getting with someone you're dissatisfied with due to a lack of other options.

Quote:
a husband or wife(boyfriend or girlfriend) job is not to make YOU happy, that is your job! If you look across the entire world, in relationships the husband protects and provides and the wife supports the husband and brings him peace(this is traditional but, there are other ways to make a relationship work). No where in there did it say that either one of them is suppose to make YOU happy!

Sure, seeking out happiness is an individual's responsibility, but for the majority of us, part of that means finding a romantic partner, or at the very least positive romantic and/or sexual experiences. People who very much long for romance and romantic experiences and never get to have them are often deeply unhappy/depressed about their lack of romantic and sexual fulfilment. It's not about having someone to satisfy your every whim to make you happy, but rather having that special connection in and of itself.

Humans are social creatures, so it would be foolish to think that most people can derive happiness in complete isolation, and romantic relationships are an essential part of the human experience. We're biologically programmed to want to perpetuate the species, and that translates into an intense desire to find a mate. A long-standing inability to do so often seems to be punished dearly through intense negative emotions.

Just because finding happiness is an individual's responsibility, doesn't mean that the individual necessarily has the means to do so. Happiness can be dependent on variables that are largely outside of the individual's control. Based on what I've seen and experienced, a chronic inability to find a romantic partner seems to lead to intense depression and even suicidal thoughts in a significant number of people faced with this situation, sometimes to such an extent that no other consolation prizes that life can throw their way will be enough to overshadow the romantic and sexual void they're forced reckon with. So if an individual's happiness in large part depends on their ability to have romantic and sexual experiences with a partner they're satisfied with, and they're in the most unfortunate position of being unable to have those experiences, why would they want to face a world that plasters reminders of others' romantic success all over the place?

Sure, an individual's happiness is their responsibility, but if achieving happiness is outside of their control, finger wagging and telling them that it's their fault that they can't be happy when it isn't, or telling them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps when they don't have the means to do so is nothing but patronising.



Minervx_2
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13 Oct 2021, 9:08 am

AquaineBay wrote:
Here is why I say that: (1)"romantic spark" will fade overtime.


By spark, I don't just mean looks or sex. I also mean your personalities being compatible (keeping in mind that sometimes opposite personalities can attract too). Are you comfortable around that person? Do they excite you?

Also, it depends on the person. Some people are totally fine with a "domestic partnership" type marriage where both people act as friends and share a common financial interest even if there's not much attraction. Some people highly value sexual attraction, and that's totally fine.

For me, touch, kissing, sharing affection and intimacy matter. But I can't just have that with anybody; I need it with someone I have a spark with.

AquaineBay wrote:
(2)"Intelligence" there are many different types of intelligence in this world and to just say "intelligent", you might meet someone who is "street smart" while you're "book smart"


I should've worded that better. I don't just mean book smart. Traits like open-mindedness, a mindset of constantly learning/improving, and having interesting deep conversations matter too. There are people who don't have a college degree, yet are still smart.


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Now what would this woman want from me? I will be real and say that she would most likely want a guy with a house of his own, a car, and a job and stable income to feel safe and secure.


A guy should have a job to support himself so their partner doesn't have to. But not necessarily a house. There are lots of guys who live in apartments who have a wife/girlfriend. Location is a factor too. Some places are so expensive or are so low-income that most people there live in apartments.



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13 Oct 2021, 9:39 am

Does an RV count as a place of your own?


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