Dating a virgin for the first time.

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IsabellaLinton
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23 Oct 2021, 10:49 am

Nades wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
Nades wrote:

Older I would say is 25+. Average age at losing it is generally about 17 so it's considerably later and has me wondering. I have the feeling she might possibly be asexual.


Women don't commodify their bodies by "doing the deed" on schedule to drive sociological data, or to assure future partners that they aren't disabled in bed.

Nades wrote:
As a result she's timid and clearly won't be able to make any moves or even give feedback and signals in return. Probably an autistics nightmare thinking if it.


WTF.

So wait, her lack of experience means she won't be able to give feedback ... for YOUR pleasure and to stroke YOUR ego?

It will be a nightmare for .... you??

You're objectifying her. This is not about you.

It sounds more like a potential nightmare for HER, to be judged, shamed, and stereotyped by someone who doesn't respect women's autonomy or respect the choices they make for their body.


Judging someone will be rejecting them without giving them a chance.

I believe what I'm doing is what everyone does when they meet someone new...find out if you're compatible. For some this appears to be a problem it seems.

Is it really much of a surprise to think that if someone avoids dating their entire life, they'll become very rusty and nervous at dealing with men/women or whatever rocks their boat? So far.....she's been rusty and it's been difficult.

I take it my desire to have a family also doesn't matter then? Even at the age of 31? It's about me as much as her. I'm not a horny teenager anymore looking to get a leg over. I'm in my 30s, built up a good amount of stability and want to settle down properly. You only seem to view this front he female perspective.


I completely respect your desire for a partner, for intimacy, and for a family.

Please don't judge that just because someone is a virgin, they're defective or potentially incompatible with you.

She won't be a virgin the moment you are first intimate with her. Virginity is temporary. It doesn't define who she is as a person or the way she will be as a long-term partner. From what I've read on WP, men seem to think virgins are like china dolls or something, like they're fragile and sexless or untouchable. They're either shamed for a lack of experience, or desired for supposed differences to their bodies.

Either way it's objectification.

You were a virgin once.

Did it mean you were going to turn into a poor sexual partner?

Did it mean you were going to ruin a woman's chance of ever becoming a mother?



Nades
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23 Oct 2021, 11:12 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Nades wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
Nades wrote:

Older I would say is 25+. Average age at losing it is generally about 17 so it's considerably later and has me wondering. I have the feeling she might possibly be asexual.


Women don't commodify their bodies by "doing the deed" on schedule to drive sociological data, or to assure future partners that they aren't disabled in bed.

Nades wrote:
As a result she's timid and clearly won't be able to make any moves or even give feedback and signals in return. Probably an autistics nightmare thinking if it.


WTF.

So wait, her lack of experience means she won't be able to give feedback ... for YOUR pleasure and to stroke YOUR ego?

It will be a nightmare for .... you??

You're objectifying her. This is not about you.

It sounds more like a potential nightmare for HER, to be judged, shamed, and stereotyped by someone who doesn't respect women's autonomy or respect the choices they make for their body.


Judging someone will be rejecting them without giving them a chance.

I believe what I'm doing is what everyone does when they meet someone new...find out if you're compatible. For some this appears to be a problem it seems.

Is it really much of a surprise to think that if someone avoids dating their entire life, they'll become very rusty and nervous at dealing with men/women or whatever rocks their boat? So far.....she's been rusty and it's been difficult.

I take it my desire to have a family also doesn't matter then? Even at the age of 31? It's about me as much as her. I'm not a horny teenager anymore looking to get a leg over. I'm in my 30s, built up a good amount of stability and want to settle down properly. You only seem to view this front he female perspective.


I completely respect your desire for a partner, for intimacy, and for a family.

Please don't judge that just because someone is a virgin, they're defective or potentially incompatible with you.

She won't be a virgin the moment you are first intimate with her. Virginity is temporary. It doesn't define who she is as a person or the way she will be as a long-term partner. From what I've read on WP, men seem to think virgins are like china dolls or something, like they're fragile and sexless or untouchable. They're either shamed for a lack of experience, or desired for supposed differences to their bodies.

Either way it's objectification.

You were a virgin once.

Did it mean you were going to turn into a poor sexual partner?

Did it mean you were going to ruin a woman's chance of ever becoming a mother?


I was a virgin once and I was a poor sexual partner. It's just a given that avoiding intimacy and dating for prolonged periods results in poorly adjusted "skills" if you could call them that. It's a cliché that nobody is good at dating or being in the bedroom if they never done it before. That cannot be argued against but it also applies at least to the short term......most of the times I think.

The problem is what if someone has left it until their late 20s to 30s? Have they bent themselves into how they're going to grow? Is dating, being in a relationship or sex always going to feel unnatural to them by that late stage? If so might they subconsciously sabotage a relationship because they spent so long single and can't imagine another way of life or are just to afraid at that point?

Rest assured this isn't an objectification of women issue. If I was a woman I would ask exactly the same about man should he be identical.

The facts are the facts really. 29 years of age just to begin dating is extremely late and she's very nervous just to be around me. Is it going to be an ongoing problem that can never be solved however, I don't know. Hopefully she'll calm down a lot but at her age, I really don't know.



babybird
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23 Oct 2021, 11:15 am

Have you tried saying all this to her?


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Nades
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23 Oct 2021, 11:16 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Don’t blow a good thing just because she’s a virgin.

Do you have strong feelings for her?


She's been good so far. Certainly better than most but I hope she's not going to get herself stuck at a half friends, half a couple type of relationship if that even makes any sense.



Nades
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23 Oct 2021, 11:27 am

babybird wrote:
Have you tried saying all this to her?



At the moment I think she's going OK. She's very shy and nervous around me and the first kiss sort of had to be awkwardly shoehorned in at the end of the 4th date but she really liked it. After seeing her again yesterday, she seemed to be waiting for it.

I will eventually bring it up with her if I feel she's hit a stumbling block. A little poke in the direction of the flow is something I would prefer. Her having to down a bottle of wine and still hyperventilating just to progress on from a kiss isn't something I could ever deal with.



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23 Oct 2021, 11:42 am

I wonder how you would handle a situation where for instance you had met the exact same person and she had slept with 100 guys. So she was to the complete opposite extreme.

She would be the exact same person as she is now.

I would say that the best thing to do is to go out and have a good time with her. I know that sex is important and of course you don't want any blurred lines in a relationship. Talk to her. Ask what she wants. She might be a virgin and shy but she is also an adult with wants and needs and opinions.

She might be nervous around you because you might come across as being nervous around her (unconsciously). She might feel as if she can't make the first move.

I just think you both need to talk about what you want. She will have expectations just like you have.

Good luck.


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IsabellaLinton
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23 Oct 2021, 11:47 am

I agree with babybird that this is something you should discuss with your partner.

I hope you don't think I'm only seeing this issue in defence of women. I would feel the same way if it were reversed, and a woman was saying she was concerned because her new boyfriend was a virgin. If she thought it meant he was going to be lousy partner, or incompatible, or that his lack of experience suggested asexuality / homosexuality / disability. I would defend the male virgin just as much and I would tell that woman not to be judgmental.

We have men on this site who are virgins in their 20s, 30s, or even older. A lot of those men are worried that they'll be judged by their future partners or even judged by society. I don't think those men are going to become bad lovers or that it means they're defective. It's the same with women. It's even the same for people entering same sex relationships without experience.

Your girlfriend doesn't have experience with YOU. Even if a woman had lots of experience with other men, it doesn't mean she will be compatible with YOU. It's not like these "skills" translate from one person to another, and it's not like a person can't develop "skills" with their first partner. It's kind of like driving. If you met someone who was 29 or older who never drove a car, it doesn't mean they couldn't learn to drive or that they'd be a bad driver. Even if they did drive before meeting you, maybe your car operates differently or you have a stick shift (lol) or a different vehicle with different controls. Sorry for the lame metaphor but it's true. All that matters is whether or not she's willing to try.

If she's not willing to try, or if she does try and it doesn't work out, then it's OK to determine you aren't compatible. Until then I don't think you should make assumptions. It's possible that even the most experienced woman wouldn't be compatible with you, for whatever reason. Experience isn't the determining factor.

Again I hope I don't sound harsh. That's not my intention! I just think all relationships involve a learning curve, whether the people have experience with others or not.



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23 Oct 2021, 5:21 pm

Nades wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Isabella Linton. Have you not been on this forum long enough? Women are able to access sex anytime because they are women. They just need to walk out on the street and grab a guy :lol:

Women aren't seen as individuals here with feelings and desires. We're not allowed to be shy, awkward or have struggles. Or want to have real emotional intimacy rather than just sex with any old guy. We're just meat that can arouse or not. We're not people to make emotional connections with. We are there to be sexual fantasies. If we can't play to that fantasy a "woe is me" post is made.

I see red flags. Red flags from the OP. I hope she's not too inexperienced and unloved enough to realise she can do better


You seem to have a lot of problems with me do you? Ideally don't post again on this thread.

This isn't going to turn into a repeat of my last thread where you were firing off your mouth for little reason.


You come over as really judgemental and conceited. You don't seem to care about these women you date as human beings with feelings. It seems like you dehumanise them.

I'll tone the sarcasm down. I'm not even sure why I thought saracasm would be effective for getting my point across. I'm just so exasperated by your attitude towards other people. Are you really so perfect yourself?

I'm concerned that you're judging women as less than you. I find it troubling and worrying.

This woman sounds shy. Are you the right person to draw her out or are you demanding and brusque?



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23 Oct 2021, 5:56 pm

Nades wrote:
babybird wrote:
Have you tried saying all this to her?



At the moment I think she's going OK. She's very shy and nervous around me and the first kiss sort of had to be awkwardly shoehorned in at the end of the 4th date but she really liked it. After seeing her again yesterday, she seemed to be waiting for it.

I will eventually bring it up with her if I feel she's hit a stumbling block. A little poke in the direction of the flow is something I would prefer. Her having to down a bottle of wine and still hyperventilating just to progress on from a kiss isn't something I could ever deal with.


Are you doing anything to try and make her feel more comfortable? I mean if she is shy and nervous she may need some encouragement.


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23 Oct 2021, 6:09 pm

For the women who are against this thread, it is a red flag for men in general if a woman has not had a date or relationship all the way up until her 30s(I listed some of those reasons in my earlier post) and for men to question her for this. It is no different than when women question a man who can't hold down a job or commit to a woman(but had a bunch of sex) up until his 30s and women start questioning and assuming things about him.

Same thing, different gender. For those that keep talking about autonomy and whatnot, you can have all of that if you desire it but, for everything you do there will be consequences to those actions whether you think it's fair or not(Even if technically your actions weren't actually affecting anyone). As humans we question others decisions and make assumptions based on the information that we have so let's stop treating Nades as if he is doing something wrong.


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23 Oct 2021, 6:30 pm

Ugh you lot are a lost cause. I throw my hands up in despair.

Maybe someone more eloquent than me can explain.

I need to stop coming to this stupid forum.



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23 Oct 2021, 6:32 pm

AquaineBay wrote:
For the women who are against this thread, it is a red flag for men in general if a woman has not had a date or relationship all the way up until her 30s(I listed some of those reasons in my earlier post) and for men to question her for this. It is no different than when women question a man who can't hold down a job or commit to a woman(but had a bunch of sex) up until his 30s and women start questioning and assuming things about him.

Same thing, different gender. For those that keep talking about autonomy and whatnot, you can have all of that if you desire it but, for everything you do there will be consequences to those actions whether you think it's fair or not(Even if technically your actions weren't actually affecting anyone). As humans we question others decisions and make assumptions based on the information that we have so let's stop treating Nades as if he is doing something wrong.


Thanks for that. Indeed people can do what they like as long as it doesn't effect anyone else. A sudden change of direction after so long on one track always makes anyone scratch their head.



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23 Oct 2021, 6:32 pm

NAndes has consistently proven to be a bit of a high and mighty lording it over women sort. He just doesn't come over as a nice person.

Just leave this poor woman alone and let her find a nice guy who cares about her.

Why don't you guys care about other people?



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23 Oct 2021, 6:38 pm

hurtloam wrote:
NAndes has consistently proven to be a bit of a high and mighty lording it over women sort. He just doesn't come over as a nice person.

Just leave this poor woman alone and let her find a nice guy who cares about her.

Why don't you guys care about other people?


Your idea of high and might seems to be any guy that doesn't flop over and martyr themselves for any and all women.

Why are you still posting here?



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23 Oct 2021, 6:39 pm

Why do you keep dating people you don't even like or respect Nandes? Are you not good enough for people you actually like?



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23 Oct 2021, 6:42 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I agree with babybird that this is something you should discuss with your partner.

I hope you don't think I'm only seeing this issue in defence of women. I would feel the same way if it were reversed, and a woman was saying she was concerned because her new boyfriend was a virgin. If she thought it meant he was going to be lousy partner, or incompatible, or that his lack of experience suggested asexuality / homosexuality / disability. I would defend the male virgin just as much and I would tell that woman not to be judgmental.

We have men on this site who are virgins in their 20s, 30s, or even older. A lot of those men are worried that they'll be judged by their future partners or even judged by society. I don't think those men are going to become bad lovers or that it means they're defective. It's the same with women. It's even the same for people entering same sex relationships without experience.

Your girlfriend doesn't have experience with YOU. Even if a woman had lots of experience with other men, it doesn't mean she will be compatible with YOU. It's not like these "skills" translate from one person to another, and it's not like a person can't develop "skills" with their first partner. It's kind of like driving. If you met someone who was 29 or older who never drove a car, it doesn't mean they couldn't learn to drive or that they'd be a bad driver. Even if they did drive before meeting you, maybe your car operates differently or you have a stick shift (lol) or a different vehicle with different controls. Sorry for the lame metaphor but it's true. All that matters is whether or not she's willing to try.

If she's not willing to try, or if she does try and it doesn't work out, then it's OK to determine you aren't compatible. Until then I don't think you should make assumptions. It's possible that even the most experienced woman wouldn't be compatible with you, for whatever reason. Experience isn't the determining factor.

Again I hope I don't sound harsh. That's not my intention! I just think all relationships involve a learning curve, whether the people have experience with others or not.


That's ok I noticed this thread seems to have fired some people up.

If she's hitting a bit of a stumbling block and struggling getting past casual convo that you'll have with friends then I'll probably ask her just what her worries are. (Assuming they are worries of course)