How to respond when ASD partner is grumpy and stressed out

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When I'm grumpy and stressed out, I need to be physically alone, often for several days.

ASD or not, you have all the right not to accept this kind of behavior.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I appreciate it.

To answer some questions, we've been dating for a year. I am not financially dependent on him. We don't co-habitate, and neither does he pay for my necessities. What he does cover however (or at least 80% of it), are trips and activity expenses. I enjoy doing them too, but I told him I don't mind doing low key stuff like staying home instead and cooking together. Going out and doing stuff is how he likes to de-stress. We are not young -- I'm in my 30s, he's in his 40s and this not my first relationship. I know he's dated a lot, but the longest relationship he's had was 1.5yrs which for his age is not that long.

I've read some articles for gaslighting, and I don't think that is it. I think this is more of him being rigid with his routine/preferences and when he's stressed out, he's much less accommodating to anything that would deviate from that. If I stand my ground, that means an argument will ensue and at best he would begrudgingly accommodate me. I'll take his diet for example. His food choices are pretty restrictive (90% of veggie types he doesn't eat, no seafood, no ethnic stuff, no fried food, no "weird vegan stuff"...etc), and he says he has a problem with food consumption when eating out. He stocks his fridge with pre-made low calorie stuff so he's able to manage that way when he's by himself. But since we have to eat out when on trips that's a problem because now we have to look for something fast (he hates waiting), but not fast food, where they have healthy stuff but also somewhere where he'll not be tempted to eat too much. But seriously unless we eat at a salad chain, where can you find smaller portions in America where everywhere serving sizes are for 5 people?

So what happened last Friday was we had to leave late (for a weekend trip) because of my work calls, I asked him to start finding a place and ordering food for takeout as I pack which he didn't do, but instead he playfully threw my stuff around while I packed. Fine, let's be playful with each other since I haven't seen him for days. I drove us to a nearby restaurant, no wait, and they have salads. He does NOT order that though, and instead got a big meal. He proceeds to eat then start complaining about how I should've eaten during lunch at home so we'd just be eating something light for dinner, or I should've taken him to a salad place because I know he has a problem... meanwhile I kept telling him not to eat half of what's on his plate but he refuses to. He made it sound as if I don't support him. (By the way, I agreed to go on that trip because he said he wants to go to de-stress.)

I know there are two sides to a story, so I tried to provide more context and that's just one of them. There are other triggers for arguments like arguments with sleep schedule. I'm having to adjust to his food aversion, smell sensitivity, his dietary restrictions, his need to stick to a schedule, doesn't matter if I have ad hoc work stuff that will cause a delay because "why didn't I plan ahead"... etc. If I am starving because I didn't have lunch, that's my fault because why don't I stock my fridge with pre-made food like he does?... I don't think this is gaslighting.

At the end of trip he recognized that he was being unreasonable/inflexible, but we had to go through a stressful argument during -- both of us were stressed out, not just me. This has happened in the past but they were easy to brush off because they were milder form of grouchiness, which I now realize was because the stressors were less intense at that time. This is just based on what I observed.

thank you. Yea, I try to give him space, but when he's stressed out for weeks I don't know how to do that when we're spending time together in between. I lived with him for a month a few months ago, and during that time when he has a work deadline I would just keep myself busy or go out on my own, but then I come home and we sleep next to each other at least and we can have small chats.

There are good things about him that's why I stay, but it'll make this post even longer. I just am really struggling with how to just brush it off when it's been happening for weeks.

You seem to dig the guy----cool.

But still, it's better if he didn't insult you the way he insults you. I'm sort of a wallflower Milquetoast myself----but I wouldn't allow someone to say the things that this guy has said to you.

Sometimes things are not about villains and victims but about unhealthy dynamics developing between people under stress. Boundaries help.

Definitely, this is not sustainable, but he is aware that he has the tendency to be callous. But he doesn't recognize this until the dust has settled from all the workload and personal stuff that he has to take care of. He does exert efforts to change but issues are addressed specifically. He wouldn't understand if I say, "please be more flexible/considerate", it has to be a specific solution, but then another issue comes up that relates to him not being flexible and the argument happens all over again whether it be mild "discussion" or something that escalates to a full blown argument. This is what I'm trying to work with. I've read so much about ASD/NDs needing to stick to their routine/preferences and getting frustrated when things change but there's got to be a compromise, a method on how to compromise, how to manage/cope when friction occurs. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of successful NT-ND relationships out there and I wonder how they do it.

I know! I'm not his mom. It's one thing to "support" and it's another thing to have to police/control someone like they're my kid or have to completely change my eating habits to match his. How did you set your boundaries and what were they?

Thanks, what you described in your first paragraph makes sense. What has worked so far is when I mention it to him in a light-hearted conversation after the stressful situation, then we talk about it casually or even playfully, so he doesn't feel attacked. It is very challenging right now because he's been like that for weeks. On weekends when we spend time together, I can tell that he tries his best to not be on edge and be present but it only takes a little inconvenience on his part for him to go back to being irritable/grumpy.

I am also working on not being reactive to his mood as this causes more tension.

I believe we should clarify some things:
1. We can discuss the rules but keep to them in the meantime;
2. WrongPlanet.net is not a professional setting of a psychiatric clinic, controlled by professional standards and capable of dealing with a violent meltdown of a patient. We can't afford to handle some situations that could be acceptable or even desirable in clinical settings. We have natural limitations of a community of strangers online.
3. The rules - the general ones and The Haven ones - are a result of years of practice in such a setting.
4. Please, don't make moderators' lives harder. It's hard enough as it is. To make this place better and keep it good, we need all members' help.

Someone said this before but it sounds like you have developed an unhealthy dynamic.

Must be frustrating for you to get blamed for everything as well.

He sounds like a manchild. Maybe he needs to be made aware that this is an equal, adult relationship.

I'm sure you are doing a great job!

I would like to draw your attention to the highlighted part of your message. I see a very important nuance I would like to clarify.

We like to think we can control our emotions, but in fact we have very little conscious control over our stress/irritability, just as little as we have over our blood glucose level, for example. We can't turn it off and minutes or even hours later go back to being grumpy. What we can control, however, is expression of these emotions or feelings. But this control has limits. Just like you wouldn't expect from your partner to be able to hold his breath the whole time you spend together, just as unrealistic to expect from him to be able to hold back these emotions when he is extremely stressed. In fact trying to suppress these emotions the whole time takes tremendous effort, distracts us from being fully present and contributes to increasing levels of stress and anxiety.

What we can do is take some steps to release stress and irritability instead of trying to suppress it. You could encourage him to practice some methods of stress relief. Ideally on daily basis, but at very least right before you meet to spend time together. It is important to pick methods that would not cause more stress, for example, noisy gym with obnoxious regular clients can be a very stressful environment for a person on the spectrum, the same applies to some social activities and so on.


Excellent! Keep it up! However emotions are contagious, makes sense to consider practicing some methods of stress relief yourself as well.

P.S.
Yes, behavior you are describing is problematic and should be addressed, but if this kind of attitude has place only under tremendous tress, it could be more constructive to focus on eliminating this factor instead of making a big deal out of it and stressing out over it.

Sorry I skimmed through the responses, and forgot to respond to this. Isn't communication the problematic aspect of a neuro-diverse relationship? When things have calmed down, we're able to casually discuss solutions but that doesn't exactly fix the root cause. We talk about what we can do when we disagree about a specific issue next time, but not why it became an issue in the first place (mostly due to his refusal to accommodate thinking he's within reason, and likes to stick to his routine/schedule/preference/comfort zone whenever he's in distress). Also, isn't this a challenge with being ASD -- going outside of comfort zone (please correct me if I'm wrong)?

When I asked "how do you cope", I actually meant that for the ASD partner, as in when you're under stress and frustrated because things are not going according to your plan, how do you cope? I was hoping to get some pointers to share with him, and possibly get some tips on how I can support.

So the problem is not exactly that we don't talk about it because we do to a certain extent, and I have to wait til he's calmed down before I bring it up. Otherwise he feels attacked (I need to work on this one because when he's being rude and he's nagging me I can't help but raise my voice when I, myself, am also stressed out).

In one of your responses you mentioned tracking red flags. I actually have a list but it is a list of good things he's done that are out of the ordinary. He also has a list, which is of things we've argued about so he can work on them... so the effort to change is there. But again, because he's been mentally preoccupied with work deadlines, and interviews and it's been that way for weeks, there is no window for "problem solving", instead he's just being grumpy.

I actually call him Oscar (the grouch) sometimes. He finds it funny because he knows it's true.

Unfortunately, many narcissists and gaslighters "do good things."

It doesn't mean this guy is a gaslighter or a narcissist. Obviously, I don't know for sure.

But I hope this person doesn't persist in this "blame thing."

I checked out the link-- coffee which causes anxiety, and insufficient sleep, which causes irritability is like a catch-22 for him. He's a very efficient guy and likes to get stuff done so he's always busy checking off items on his todo list. This is on top of work and job interviews, so efficiency to the detriment of mental health and his relationships. I will mention that when I get the opportunity.

Two nights ago, I called him just to chat for a bit and instead of picking up he texted me and said he can't talk, he's very tired and that I know how he is when he's tired. Not what I was hoping for, but much better than him talking to me and giving me an attitude

First of all, I had to reassure myself that his eating problems were not my problem.
I don't remember everything in detail, it was super-stressful time for all of us and his eating issues were just another symptom of it. I kind of left him alone with it and focused on my own mental well-being.
You know the oxygen mask rule on a plane? Help yourself first - it's not selfish, it's efficient. When you have your oxygen mask on, you can help even an unconcious person but you can help no one when you're unconcious.
The same applies to mental health.
So, I focused (it was super hard back then!) on what I needed to lower my stress and function better. I think it included things like telling my husband not to burden me with something that was his problem.
As counter-intuitive as it was, it helped both of us heal.

From my experience, getting stuff done and checking off items on a todo list is a coping strategy for many people on the spectrum, especially with signs of OCD. Many just can't stop thinking about unfinished tasks and unresolved issues and fall asleep. todo lists provide clarity and focus, compensate difficulties with executive function. But having too many items on the list can have the opposite effect. Breaking it down into a shorter list of high-impact priorities and a longer list of remaining tasks might help. If you think it would be appropriate, you could gently suggest this.

Can I ask you how exactly do you de-stress? Eliminating contributing factors like coffee is important, but job-related stress is inevitable, he needs some methods of actively reducing stress as well.

> Two nights ago, I called him just to chat for a bit and instead of picking up he texted me and said he can't talk

Yes, acknowledging his limitations and letting you know this is not the best moment for him to talk to you is very responsible, show him some appreciation for doing so.

Phone calls can be very stressful for already stressed out and tired person on the spectrum. Just ringing of a phone is just as unpleasant as an air horn right in your face. Verbal communication takes much more effort. Chitchat, trying to find what to talk about and picking words could be very-very challenging for him when he is not at hist best. If you want to give him space, I would suggest using communication channel like email, so he is in control and can make a choice to check or to ignore it for a while. I would use voice calls only in case of emergency. Gently let him know you will be busy doing something o your own, but would be glad to talk whenever he wants to talk. Let him call you first. Don't make him feel like you expect him to call and would be upset if he would not. Even though you mean you'll miss him, it can give him additional anxiety and guilt for not calling you.

I hope my suggestions are helpful. Good luck!

Yea, you're right. In my case, I know it is not my problem, and I recall telling him last week exactly "you're putting this burden on me and it's not fair" (referring to his weight gain, and putting himself on a diet). I've already been making a lot of compromises in other ways, he's got to take responsibility as well after all he's an adult. I just wanted him to understand that me setting a boundary is not the same as me being unsupportive.