Never met a single decent human/ Am I really that bad?

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The_Illusive_Man
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03 Nov 2021, 4:55 pm

Hello, firstly I will apologize, this will undoubtedly be a whiney, pathetic rant of a message but I have nowhere else to get it out.

I am 30, throughout my entire life I have never met a single nice human, before my diagnosis I was always bullied for being "wierd", I never had a single friend, I never got to experience any of the social developmental milestones, and even after my diagnosis nothing got better, not through lack of trying I promise you that, but i can say without exaggeration that no human has ever been kind to me, I thought that changed, but after reading this you will see how wrong I was.

19 months ago out of sheer bordeom I joined a language exchange app. It was supposed to be for people in the EU, but the one person who conversation flowed easily with was from Colombia. It started as just a language exchange, I practiced spanish, she practiced english but the conversations were always easy ( which has never ever happened to me before) and we soon started talking about more than just language.

Obviously travel hasnt really been on the cards for the past 2 years, but we continued to talk and things progressed. It got to the point where she was telling me she loved me, needless to say I was over the moon, for the first time since conception I had found someone and not just someone who gave me a chance, but someone who accepted me and even loved me for me.

There were lots of protests and problems in Colombia recently and she decided to apply for an au-pair job in america. I was honest and expressed concerns that going to see her in America would be difficult because even when travel opened back up reaching america would require a lot more money plus I would need a visa to enter, neither would be an issue in colombia. She assured me she loved me, she was happy with me and waiting for me was a small price to pay.

Fast forwad, We hd been talking 19 months almost on the dot. It was time for her to start her job in america, I kept her company as best I could through her travel and layovers but basically the moment she touched down in america she was over me. She stopped talking to me, stopped replying and I didnt know why.

It was at this point a story was in the news that biden would be easing the travel restrictions between our 2 countries, so I tried to broach the subject of meeting, I didnt have every detail worked out but travel was opening up so I wanted to try and open a dialogue about me going to see her. She finally replied to me after about 10 days of nothing only to tell me she doesnt want the same things any more.

I was a bit of a pain here to be honest because I had no idea what was going on, from telling me she loved me to not even talking to me would be confusing for anybody, let alone someone with a disability that can effect social interactions. after everything we had shared I felt like I deserved an explanation. A few days later she decided that she did have something to say to me and she sent a very concise message telling me that she hadnt been happy with me for months, that it never "felt right" to say she loved me and she would be swapping to a new phone specifically to avoid me.

And now tonight, less than 3 weeks since she landed in america, I go on instagram and I have no intention of looking at her stuff I honestly didnt, we arent even connected there, but I see a familiar face in my recommendeds, I click it and sure enough it is her and her account is plastered in pictures and even stories of her making out with some guy and there is text all over it declaring her undying love for him.

I am arguably the most inexperienced 30 year old since the dawn of time, but this really f*****g sucks. If she got bored of me or something like that it would still hurt but I would have some understanding of what has happened. Instead all I know is that I spent 19 months opening up to the first person I have ever been able to trust, she discards me the moment she lands in america, the only time she talks to me are to reject my proposal to meet and to tell me that her entire time with me was awful and I am worthless and then less than 20 days after this all happened, while I am still devastated to be honest and also confused she is so completely over me that she has already replaced me and is going public with a new relationship.

I know I am not the best company in the world but I dont think I deserve this, we talked,texted and video called essentially every day for 19 months, I thought it was real. I beleived her when she said she loved me, I know I meant every word I said to her yet here we are. She is happy and with someone new, I am back to being completely alone and I dont even know what I could have done differently nor do I know when she stopped "loving" me or if she ever did at all. I have had more than my share of awkard and unpleasant experiences with humans before, but nothing has ever hurt like this before. I dont even know how to begin to process this, I have my own insecurities as we all do, but am I really so insufferable that it takes less than 21 days to forget I was ever in your life to begin with?



kraftiekortie
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03 Nov 2021, 5:36 pm

This was an "ends justifies the means" sort of situation.

You were her "means" to her "end."

When she got her "end," she had no use for the "means" (you) any longer.

She used you, unfortunately.

This sort of thing happens to people all the time. Even eminently "NT" and social people. It doesn't mean you're "defective" or whatever. It doesn't mean you're a dupe. It just means something happened that's happened to lots of different sorts of people. Even "hip" ones.

Sorry you had to go through that crap. You don't deserve this BS.

Saying all this, this doesn't mean there are not decent people in this world----for there are decent people in this world.



theprisoner
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03 Nov 2021, 6:03 pm

19 months? you should never let something drag on or that long without a resolution. You're talking a gamble. Let that be a lesson. If you're too far distant, its best not to get serious.

I'm sorry man, but you got played, badly. You just gonna have to suck it up, and realize she wasnt't in to you, on any real level. It's not about decent human beings. they exist. its the fact that you got too attached to somebody. (A famous quote from Deniro in Heat (1995) comes to mind.....some very good advice...)

Its alright to like somebody, be friendly, even open up to them, but to drag it out over 19 months, that disaster was your own making really. Blame it on the Autism. But it's ultimately still your responsibility to navigate this.


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kraftiekortie
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03 Nov 2021, 6:04 pm

Even hip NT's sometimes drag things over 19 months.

It's not necessarily the autism. It's being smitten with somebody.



The_Illusive_Man
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03 Nov 2021, 6:10 pm

theprisoner wrote:
19 months? you should never let something drag on or that long without a resolution. You're talking a gamble. Let that be a lesson. If you're too far distant, its best not to get serious.

I'm sorry man, but you got played, badly. You just gonna have to suck it up, and realize she wasnt't in to you, on any real level. It's not about decent human beings. they exist. its the fact that you got too attached to somebody. (A famous quote from Deniro in Heat (1995) comes to mind.....some very good advice...)

Its alright to like somebody, be friendly, even open up to them, but to drag it out over 19 months, that disaster was your own making really. Blame it on the Autism. But it's ultimately still your responsibility to navigate this.


Apart from the part about it beig by own making, i guess you're right. I disagree about it being my own making because why would I not trust it? It's not like she was subtly stringing me along or I was reading more into it than she was saying, we talked every day, we had video calls, she showed me around her home, to her family and friends. Like I said it was the first person i've ever been able to communicate with with any kind of comfort and the amount of time she was spending talking to me I had no reason to think she was just toying with me



Last edited by The_Illusive_Man on 03 Nov 2021, 6:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kraftiekortie
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03 Nov 2021, 6:14 pm

You were the Means to her End. She played her part well.



The_Illusive_Man
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03 Nov 2021, 6:17 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
You were the Means to her End. She played her part well.


Thank you.
I am not dismissing or arguing against your words, I appreciate getting a reply at all, I know I would not know what to say to that rant. But in my mind it is difficult to see it as an "end justifies the means" scenario. It's not like theres any shortage of ways to learn a language these days plus I am not from the country she wanted to go to so listening to my accent and my english wouldnt be as helpful as finding someone in america. I am not good with words, so I want to be clear I am not intending to be rude to you, it just seems hard to justify it that way to me ( at least in this moment in time), I mean toying with a lonely person's emotions and stringing them along for 19 months seems like such an unneccessarily drastic step if the only thing she wanted was a way to learn/practice english , you know. I mean if that was all she wanted why even bother taking it away from the language exchange app in the first place?
I am not expecting you to have an answer to that by the way, just thinking out loud

As for the part about there being decent people, I hope you are right, I truly do. Don't get me wrong I dont have unreachable or unfair expectations of people, I am under no illusion that someone will walk into my life and everything will be sunshine and rainbows from then on, but I would like to not be alone for literally my entire lifespan, but starting my 3rd decade on this planet by being thrown away and in the process having my own self doubts reinforced and being thrown awayin such a manner that retroactively taints the entire time........it's hard not to let it get to me.



kraftiekortie
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03 Nov 2021, 6:21 pm

There is no doubt in my mind that you were the tool who enabled her to accomplish her goal.

She went the whole nine yards. Maybe she had feelings for you for a time----but when it comes right down to it, she used you.

Like I said, this doesn't make you a dupe. I've been a dupe in a similar way myself, though for a little less than 19 months (even though I yearned for her for 24 months). I should have known that all this woman wanted to do is know how a man of a different race feels in bed. She lost interest in me after the second session in bed.

No, this wasn't an identical situation to yours.....in a sense, I was much more of a dupe than you were.



The_Illusive_Man
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03 Nov 2021, 6:30 pm

Yeah, maybe in time I can have share that view, a painful explanation is better than no explanation at all, maybe I am an idiot or maybe it's too soon, but right now I cannot wrap my head around why she would take it so far if her end goal could've been accomplished without the manipulation.

That sucks too, sorry to hear it, but if you beleive there are still decent humans I hope that means you have had more good experiences than bad.



kraftiekortie
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03 Nov 2021, 6:34 pm

I've had both good and bad experiences. I once took a girl home, only to get mugged by her boyfriend.

You can't just "give up." You have to keep on plugging away.

Be wary----but don't preclude yourself from experiencing life.



Last edited by kraftiekortie on 03 Nov 2021, 6:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

theprisoner
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03 Nov 2021, 6:37 pm

So she really sucked you in then...looks like she played you for a fool. woman nature is fickle, you learned a painful and hard lesson. It didnt even have to be intentional and calculated on her part. She could of really believed she had genuine feelings, when she was deep down just using you. The fact of the matter is at the end of the day, she must of saw you as low value. and ditched you. bottom line. So she saw you physically. Knew everything about you...and still....WOW...thats cold.

You got too attached. You didnt really know her. obviously. Listen to Bobby , his words , i'm reminded of, havent watched the movie in like 15 years, but it pops in mind for some reason:
Image

It's a fine line between being too guarded and too open. Decent humans exist. It's just keeping that balance mentally. Maybe you had unrealistic expectations. Humans are fallible. Even close family can let you down. Sooner you learn that, youll have peace of mind. Im not asking you to be ruthless about it but..yeah i guess i am. detachment can be a good thing. Luckily i'm a person who can disengage and forget things and get over things and move on quickly. But you should never put too much faith in another person, will always lead to disappointment, all you can depend on is yourself.


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The_Illusive_Man
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04 Nov 2021, 6:11 am

yeah, that is all very confusing to me. Towing the line between vulnerability and dependancy ok I get that, but how was I suppose to know and how am I suppose to know? If someone shares every aspect of their life with you, makes time for you on a daily basis, stays up late to talk to you despite the time zone difference why would I doubt it, you know?
I am sure there is no easy answer to that and it is ofcourse situational but I dont know how I could have avoided this. We shared everything, every day, I was on first name basis with her entire family,there is a tradition in colombia in december where they plaster everywhere with candles and last time this happened she lit a candle in my honour and her entire family did a little video prayer thing for X and I( wont use her name here so X will do), while religious traditions arent really my thing, I was very flattered and apprecaitive of it, so unless she roped her entire family into playing her charade there was no reason for me to assume she only ever saw me as a tool. True I am autistic, but barely, nobody who meets me ever thinks there is anything wrong with me, to the outside world I am just a shy, reserved, "normal" guy, so I am not completely hopeless with social cues and there was nothing in her words or demeanor to give me pause. It appeared genuine and then I was blindsided with such a complete and heartless rejection and instant replacement.

So I dont even know what I can take from this experience, unless the lesson is to doubt everyone all the time and approach every potentiality with a negative mindset of impending doom.............. I simply dont know. It isnt like things were rushed and it isnt like we started throwing around the L word within days of talking, it was a slow, seemingly natural progression that as far as this particular idiot can see had no clear signs of ulterior motives or manipulations at work


Also not that this makes a s**t of difference at this point but I realized something. The pictures on her social media with the new guy all use "u" things like " love u forver". Almost the entire time we were talking she didnt once spell it "u" but a few weeks before ditching me she started to use it. It isnt exactly concrete evidence but it does leave me with the assumption that she was talking to this new guy behind my back and just waiting for the moment to jump ship



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04 Nov 2021, 7:10 am

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

If it makes you feel any better I can confirm what Kraftiekortie said. This happens to people all the time. You are not especially bad or unworthy.

Same thing happened to my friend. She gave him several outs because she had a gut feeling that them not meeting up was going on too long, but he kept reassuring her that they were still a couple and only apart by distance.

He moved for work too and she logged on to Instagram and saw him with another girl. She asked who this girl was. He said no one.

A few weeks pass and another photo with him that woman and people writing comments about how happy there were to see them as a couple finally.

He didn't have the guts to break things off. Just let her see he had someone else now. People suck.



The_Illusive_Man
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04 Nov 2021, 9:00 am

hurtloam wrote:
I'm so sorry this happened to you.

If it makes you feel any better I can confirm what Kraftiekortie said. This happens to people all the time. You are not especially bad or unworthy.

Same thing happened to my friend. She gave him several outs because she had a gut feeling that them not meeting up was going on too long, but he kept reassuring her that they were still a couple and only apart by distance.

He moved for work too and she logged on to Instagram and saw him with another girl. She asked who this girl was. He said no one.

A few weeks pass and another photo with him that woman and people writing comments about how happy there were to see them as a couple finally.

He didn't have the guts to break things off. Just let her see he had someone else now. People suck.


Thank you
I am sorry to hear about your friends situation, obviously none of my business when it happened, but regardless I hope she is doing well now.

"People suck" , yeah you got that right, autism or not I cant fathom the minds of people who can discard others from their lives so easily with no remorse and/or not having the decency to just be honest. Give me a hard truth rather than string me along with a gentle lie that sooner or later can only end one way



kraftiekortie
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04 Nov 2021, 9:56 am

Many men don't take "hard truths" very well. This is why women frequently have to be diplomatic when breaking up with them.

Same with men breaking up with women, by the way.

Like I said. Sorry you were given the Shaft. But don't let this determine your world view.



The_Illusive_Man
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04 Nov 2021, 10:42 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Many men don't take "hard truths" very well. This is why women frequently have to be diplomatic when breaking up with them.

Same with men breaking up with women, by the way.

Like I said. Sorry you were given the Shaft. But don't let this determine your world view.


I get your point, after all we have all heard the saying "ignorance is bliss" but I dont think that necessarily applies here, neither my tale or that of hurtloam's friend have anything even close to "diplomatic", just needless cruelty, if it was diplomatic they would have looked for some way to broach the subject and have a dialogue about it, instead they masked their true feelings/intentions, used selfish and cruel lies to protect themselves and then when they were in a position to get what they really wanted simply flaunted their new relationships in our respective faces and letting us know just how little we meant to them.

Yeah, trying hard not to be too cynical. Evidently I am long winded so I wont tell any more of my tales,this is simply the most recent and the closest to my heart but theres an almost endless list of them, I never thought I would reach 30 and have a jaded world view, but at this moment in time, it is hard to not let quite literally every experience I have had so far and now this weigh on me.

As melodramatic as this is lyrics from one of the greatest musicians/songwriters ever comes to mind when talking about trying to keep a positive perspective of the world "Even if I think that you are right/ Well, I'm tired of being down, I got no fight". That's Elliot smith if anyone is curious, phenomenal music, but warning his stuff is very genuine and often sad .