Going to vent my romantic frustration a little bit here

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My Daughter doesn't show any signs of autism, guess those genes came from her mother. Don't know enough about my biological parents to know if either had autism or not. Given that they were together and conceived me when they were 19 and 18, I am guessing they didn't.

I just wish we would stop all the talk on WrongPlanet about autism/Aspergers being a "genetic defect."

And all the talk about not having children because one is Aspergian/autistic.

This causes a feeling amongst some of the members that they are defective people----less than the average person.

This leads to a feeling of depression and futility.

Just note that I'm not upset with anyone in particular.

It's just the idea that we're "defective." My mother thinks I'm "defective," almost a "ret*d." She's done some good things for me---but she has little regard for me. This has triggered me.

But I'm not triggered enough to let it affect my living my life.

We can't observe you, so nobody can point out whats wrong with your approach. Aspergers, definitely makes it harder to connect with people. And its easier to get dissuaded from even trying.

I've always done things "peripherally"---and achieved success that way.

I never went in for the conventional ways to meet women. If I went the conventional path, I'd be a 60-year-old virgin.

Having Aspergers could certainly be part of the issue. I have never officially been screened but I wouldn't be on this site if I didn't think I have it. I have found that in professional or academic settings I am able to conduct myself very well when interacting with people such as customers or professors, but when it is a purely social setting (hanging out with friends, meeting new people, being at a social gathering, etc.) I am much more awkward. This could certainly come across when talking to women.

One theory I have is that even though I have really worked on my confidence to the point where I am comfortable trying to interact with new people and talk to women I like, my actual social/conversational skills have not quite developed at the same rate. To use a fitness analogy it is like a muscular imbalance. Only issue is I don't really know how to remedy awkwardness.

No, I mostly just try to talk to people I see around places. Like a girl who works at the store, or one I have a class with, that kind of thing.

What was your unconventional way to meet women?

Sorry to hear about that. That must suck. My parents weren't too bad, but didn't know what to do to help me either. My peers really treated me like I was defective growing up. They don't to my face today, not sure what they say about me behind my back.

I have no dating experience except that of using the intermediary of the Internet, and that is what "did it" for me. I made zero attempts at dating until age 30, then got onto a couple dating sites and had at it. I was very fortunate to find someone soon after that. She was more or less ideal to introduce me (an unknowingly autistic guy) to the whole idea. Although it ultimately did not work out (perhaps almost exclusively due to me misplacing the "blame" for my failure to fulfill all of the roles necessary for a "typical" relationship), I consider the experience very worthwhile.

To this day, 22 years later, I still can not imagine even attempting to start a new relationship by any other means than online, given my experiences.

If you enter into online dating already knowing (or suspecting) that you are Autistic, that seems to offer two key advantages over my attempts:

1) Knowing that your differences will require you to adjust your expectations, and not measure your results against the "typical". Please be aware that NO ONE owes you anything in regards to affection or any other aspects of a relationship, so temper your expectations with the reality that although there may well be "someone for everyone", that goal is perhaps going to be much more difficult for you than for many others.

2) Using the experiences of others on the spectrum to guide the ways you react to the many complexities of relationships.

I don't know if "confining" yourself to the "Spectrum-specific" dating sites is worthwhile, but at least being on such sites in parallel to other venues may be useful.

Please give him another chance. I know that a lot of autistic guys don't get many chances in the dating game. It can be a very lonely and isolating experience; you watch everyone else go on dates, have sex, get into relationships, and meanwhile every single girl you've ever asked out has resulted in a rejection. It can break a man.

You don't know what he goes through. Maybe he was about ready to give up forever, maybe he was planning his suicide, but then he got the news that a girl was willing to go out with him. I bet that really made his day and he planned days in advance to really make sure that his looks, appearance, and style was on point. I bet he practiced talking in the mirror and read Youtube videos on how to talk to girls and what to say on a first date. Sure he made mistakes but can you blame him? He's an autistic male and this was probably his first date, perhaps ever or just a long time.

And when he heard you werne't interested, i'm sure it hurt like hell. Maybe he was extremely depressed and that little voice inside his head told him "of course she'd reject you, you're just an autistic male who is incapable of love" and he believes it. After all, he is in his twenties and never had a girlfriend before in a society where the average age to lose your virginity is 17.


If you reject him, it's better to do it through text rather than tell him in person. You want to be nice but direct. Tell him "I think you're (insert positive quality about him) and (another positive quality about him) but I don't think we're compatible in terms of romantic relationships. I hope you find someone that is right for you."


He may get upset and ask you why. Assure him that it's not because of his looks (because many guys are insecure about their looks and might think they're being rejected because they're ugly) but it's because you think you two are not compatible in terms of values, world views, etc...


And if he still gets angry and upset, then you just block him.