Going to vent my romantic frustration a little bit here

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MJS7101
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27 Oct 2021, 9:53 am

I am starting to get a little frustrated and frankly confused about what I am doing wrong or what is wrong with me because I genuinely feel great about myself, I am at a good spot in life, and I think I would make a good catch, but women never even give me a chance.

Here is a little bit about me:
I am in great shape physically. I have a job. I am confident. I am intelligent, and I was always a straight A honors student. I have discipline and self control and I am a very responsible person. I have a band and play multiple instruments. I speak multiple languages. I am passionate about self-improvement. I go to the gym regularly. I read regularly. I am creative. I love to learn new things. I meditate and have a spiritual path that I am working on. I have good hygiene. I write a little here and there. I have values and goals that I am passionate about. I am stoic and have mental fortitude. I am loving, caring, and family oriented. I am currently working on becoming a firefighter. I have been strong enough to literally hold my family together over the past year through various crises, including the death of a close family member.

So all of this has helped me feel great about myself and I am certainly not going to let my romantic frustration get me off my upwards path. I feel like I am becoming the person I want to be. However I am just confused about what it could be that deters women from me.

Could it be because I am short (5'4")? Because I am socially awkward? Do I just have an ugly face? I mean obviously you guys don't really know me so you cannot necessarily answer those questions for sure, but maybe you can provide some encouragement or a recommendation.



Fnord
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27 Oct 2021, 9:59 am

Judging by your over-use of the first-person pronoun "I", it may be safe to say that you are a little too focused on yourself.  While I am not saying that you are vain or conceited, I am implying that women may perceive you as such.



MJS7101
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27 Oct 2021, 10:03 am

Fnord wrote:
Judging by your over-use of the first-person pronoun "I", it may be safe to say that you are a little too focused on yourself.  While I am not saying that you are vain or conceited, I am implying that women may perceive you as such.


Perhaps I took the whole philosophy of "focus on yourself first" a little too far...

Maybe you are right, I never even thought of this before.



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27 Oct 2021, 10:05 am

MJS7101 wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Judging by your over-use of the first-person pronoun "I", it may be safe to say that you are a little too focused on yourself.  While I am not saying that you are vain or conceited, I am implying that women may perceive you as such.
Perhaps I took the whole philosophy of "focus on yourself first" a little too far...
Maybe ... it is one think to engage in self-improvement, and quite another thing to announce it to the world.



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27 Oct 2021, 3:41 pm

I'm just under 5 foot 5, and I haven't accomplished as much as you have. Even at 60, I haven't accomplished as much as you have. I never exactly "hit the gym." I dress better than I used to---but probably not enough to stand out, really.

All this was especially when I was 20 years old. I was only a high school graduate, and had a clerical job, no car, but I did live on my own. I'm 60 now, married--but never had a kid. I owned my first car when I was 51 years old, and learned to drive at age 37.

Yet I had been with a few women by the time I was 20. And I was engaged at 19.

Sometimes, it's not "you" that's the problem. It's sometimes "just plain old luck."



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01 Nov 2021, 10:44 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I'm just under 5 foot 5, and I haven't accomplished as much as you have. Even at 60, I haven't accomplished as much as you have. I never exactly "hit the gym." I dress better than I used to---but probably not enough to stand out, really.

All this was especially when I was 20 years old. I was only a high school graduate, and had a clerical job, no car, but I did live on my own. I'm 60 now, married--but never had a kid. I owned my first car when I was 51 years old, and learned to drive at age 37.

Yet I had been with a few women by the time I was 20. And I was engaged at 19.

Sometimes, it's not "you" that's the problem. It's sometimes "just plain old luck."


SO TRUE!! ! It just is what it is.



geod23
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02 Nov 2021, 8:27 pm

So I'm going to give my side of this, being a woman on the spectrum. It's got a bit of a story, so bear with me for a sec.

I went on a date the other day with a guy on the spectrum that my coworker had set up for us. He was polite, dressed nicely, but while on the date just wanted to talk about one or two topics, his hyperfixations/special interests. I quickly lost interest. For me, a first initial date is about asking questions to get to know the other person without giving too much information. I want to learn enough to be interested in going on another date to continue getting to know someone, not know everything about them the first time.

The reason for your issue could just be how much information you're giving away on the first few dates/interactions. Space information out, ask silly or easy get-to-know-you questions, like favorite animal & why, or tv/books/genres that interest them. I like to ask if someone prefers marvel or DC (deeper question: movies vs comics), since I like those. There's a lot you can share about yourself by asking a question to someone else, not just telling them. For example, if I ask someone what kind of coffee they like, then I'm revealing that I like coffee enough to ask them that question. Always keep an eye on your partner to see if they're still interested. If you're going on too long, sometimes girls won't say anything cause we don't want to be rude but we'll look at something else or not say as much, or glance around. The same goes the other way. Your date partner should be asking you questions and trying to get to know you.

Hope this helps!



MJS7101
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03 Nov 2021, 2:19 pm

geod23 wrote:
So I'm going to give my side of this, being a woman on the spectrum. It's got a bit of a story, so bear with me for a sec.

I went on a date the other day with a guy on the spectrum that my coworker had set up for us. He was polite, dressed nicely, but while on the date just wanted to talk about one or two topics, his hyperfixations/special interests. I quickly lost interest. For me, a first initial date is about asking questions to get to know the other person without giving too much information. I want to learn enough to be interested in going on another date to continue getting to know someone, not know everything about them the first time.

The reason for your issue could just be how much information you're giving away on the first few dates/interactions. Space information out, ask silly or easy get-to-know-you questions, like favorite animal & why, or tv/books/genres that interest them. I like to ask if someone prefers marvel or DC (deeper question: movies vs comics), since I like those. There's a lot you can share about yourself by asking a question to someone else, not just telling them. For example, if I ask someone what kind of coffee they like, then I'm revealing that I like coffee enough to ask them that question. Always keep an eye on your partner to see if they're still interested. If you're going on too long, sometimes girls won't say anything cause we don't want to be rude but we'll look at something else or not say as much, or glance around. The same goes the other way. Your date partner should be asking you questions and trying to get to know you.

Hope this helps!


Thanks for the advice, but I don't think this is the case for 2 reasons: 1 is I never even manage to get to a first date or general "getting to know each other" stage, and 2 is all that info that I listed I don't generally give out to people. I am usually very private, I just kind of ranted all that off out of exasperation. But maybe that could be part of the problem too.



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03 Nov 2021, 2:26 pm

MJS7101 wrote:
I never even manage to get to a first date or general "getting to know each other" stage

Are you using online dating sites to make initial connections, or by some other means?


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03 Nov 2021, 3:03 pm

Could it be that you have Aspergers? I have many of the accomplishments that you list, but I don't have much success with women either. I think many women may have a "genetic defect" filter that is unconscious, but goes off when they get in the presence of someone with a genetic abnormality, steering them away from that individual. I saw a study recently on attractiveness and women rated good genetic fitness as the number one criteria for attractiveness in men.



kraftiekortie
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03 Nov 2021, 3:28 pm

Asperger's is not a "genetic defect." No way that it is!



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03 Nov 2021, 3:51 pm

Didn't mean to be too blunt, but many NT women might consider that it is.



kraftiekortie
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03 Nov 2021, 3:54 pm

I don't believe "genetic defect" is the right term.

It's more like some women might not be delighted with an "awkward" man. Many NT's are "awkward," as well as Spectrumites.

Saying autism is a "genetic defect" implies that all autism has a genetic cause----which is not a true statement.



kraftiekortie
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03 Nov 2021, 4:01 pm

And people with autism/Aspergers don't invariably smell funny......



ProfessorJohn
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03 Nov 2021, 4:05 pm

Isn't Aspergers believed to have a genetic basis to it?



kraftiekortie
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03 Nov 2021, 4:07 pm

It is believed that some of it has a genetic basis. And I believe that, too.

But, in a considerable amount of cases, there is no apparent direct genetic cause----especially when considering the genes passed down from parents. There are many "random" cases of autism, seeming to come out of nowhere.

I am an idiopathic case. No autism was passed down to me.

And I don't believe in the nonsensical notion that autistic people shouldn't mother or father children.