The only women my age I would be interested in

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When I talked about the criteria, I was referring to dating sites. Outside of dating sites I don't remember any occasion when a black girl were to talk to me and I were to say "oh she is black lets walk away". Nope. This never happened. Rather, what happens is that NONE of the girls ever approach me, regardless of their background. So "opening up my criteria" wont change it. Its only on dating sites that I get contacted by black girls a lot and ignore them. But, like you said, dating sites is a different story.

As far as religion I can go even further. I would be okay dating an atheist (I just won't date a witch). Plus I don't even know most people's religion outside of dating site. For example, I have no idea whether that female officemate I talked about 2 years ago is religious or not. But again, the point is that they don't approach me period. So finding out their religion is a moot point.

I think if you have reservations about race/wheelchairs then don't consider putting a girl through that. But you might find (for example) an attractive Latin American girl for whom English is not her first language and she may be catholic which were characteristics you might have avoided before. You might miss she is very family orientated and if married would look after you and your kids and make you happy. Just because you can't talk to her about black holes, applied math or your own version of evangelical christianity doesn't mean you won't be happy.

Actually I never excluded Catholics from my dating options. On the contrary, my second ex (whom I dated for 2 years and we were engaged) was a Catholic. Now, the relationship went badly because she became controling and had conflicts with my parents. But I secretly wish I could date one of her friends who is also a Catholic (although its not an option: she is married).

As far as Latin, that is a deal breaker on dating sites; but outside of dating sites it hasn't really been -- since its often hard to tell visually. So what I noticed is that if I get contacted by hispanic girl online I ignore her due to what her profile says but if the girl with identical look would approach me in the real world I would be happy to talk to her since I would give her the benefit of the doubt race-wise.

But again nobody ever approaches me in the real world. So that is the real problem. Why is it nobody talks to me?

Oh by the way, if a black girl were to talk to me in the real world, I would likely say to myself "okay even though I won't date her, hopefully I will date one of her friends". So I won't turn down the *friendship* with her (although on dating sites its different: on dating sites the express purpose is to date the girl I am talking to, not her friends -- thats why on dating sites I would ignore them but in real world likely not). Again though, thats never an option since nobody ever approaches me in the real world.

P.S. I noticed you mentioend English not being a first language. To me that part is not even a negative since English is not my first language either. So I guess I can use THIS as something to look for in terms of a girl being less picky WITHOUT sacrificing her quality in my mind. The only question is -- since you are talkign about the real world -- where exactly to go to look for such girls? Online its easy: I can just set dating criteria for Europe which I did. But then I realized that they are not likely to move to my geographic location any time soon so THAT made it less worth it (although I did long distance before). But if I can find some places in the real life where people whose English is not their native language congregate, then they are already in my geographic location so thats much better.

Now I am not talking about Chinese or Latin people, because in this case race would be a turn-off. Rather I am talking about immigrants from Europe (whether it be Eastern Europe or Western Europe -- both would be good). Do you know where I could go find such people?

I live in Australia so I am not going to be much help to you. May I suggest you use your own networks in the Russian community to link up with single Russian immigrant girls in the US and/or dating agencies who represent girls in the old Soviet union (most of whom speak Russian even if they are not ethnically Russian).

I don't have networks in the Russian community, thats the problem.

By the way here is one thing I noticed. I visitted a Russian church a few times. Even though they didn't know me very well, they tried to set me up with two different girls. With first one, she was much younger than me, and I was excited. But I didn't hear any follow up from them. So I am guessing maybe she told them she doesn't like me. With the second one she was older than me so I was the one who didn't want her.

So the question is: how come Russians tried to set me up when they barely know me, but Americans never did.

The other thing I noticed is that if I talk to Russian people, they can ask me why don't I have a woman in my life. But when I talk to Americans they evade the topic. If I do bring it up to Americans, they give a cop-out excuse such as "focus on the Lord and don't worry about women". Russians would never say this -- regardless of whether they are Chrsitian or not.

So how do you interpret this? Is it

a) I don't fit into American culture but they didn't realize its just a culture so they decided I won't be datable at all

b) American culture doesn't value marriage as much as Russian culture does. Thats why American culture doesn't see the idea of "never getting married" as such a horrible thing to begin with

c) They both have similar views, it is just that in America its against the norms to talk about personal things unless I know the person well

d) Some other theory (please tell me what is it)

I snipped your extensive list because you already know what they are. But also, the things on your list aren't what I have in mind. People give away psychological 'tells' all day, every day. If you're unaware, this use of the word 'tell' refers to, "an unconscious action that betrays something hidden". For instance, the twelve-year-old boy that thinks he's being 'Oh so cool' when the cute girl smiled at him, is getting laughed at by the old men in the barber shop watching. They're laughing because to them, the kids performance might work this time - but he'd better up his game before high school.

Everyone gives them up - everyone. And here's the thing, most NT's pick up about 50% without any training. It's the easier 50%, of course. They don't even know they're picking it up; it happens subconsciously. And that's why, NT's can communicate like they're got a hive mind when it comes to social behavior. Autistic people don't have that subconscious ability to pick up a full half of the tells being offered them. If I had to put a number on it, I'd say we max out at about 8 - 10%. Then some of us add to that number. Those who try to mask tend to pattern themselves after others peoples behavior. We have to study them to pattern ourselves well. We start picking up some tells subconsciously - it follows a different path though once we note a tell. Sorry... fell down a rabbit hole.
And you know what, I only know how one autistic brain works - mine. My percentages were guesses based on observation and the experience of starting in single digits myself. I only know where I started in hindsight; I certainly didn't know then. The only thing I knew then was that my life depended on learning. I knew I was making progress when I started going a couple of months in between being beat unconscious. Six years old was quite the banner year.

So yeah, you are communicating to everyone all the time.



If I had the time, I would have liked to make the argument that you can control your assumptions. In more than way, too. But, you can control whether or not you share your assumptions. I'll leave it up to you make that determination, but I would make one suggestion. Think about it and come up with a criteria that you are not currently using in making that determination, and add it to whatever you've got. I think it will lead to less situations that people think are awkward (and as a result not want to spend time with you).

I am comparing my OUTSIDE to yours. The fact that people don't talk to me is an outside, isn't it.

Maybe the reason you said its inside is because I said in some other posts that I am not active on outside only obsessive on inside.

But one thing that DOES occur on the outside is my lack of success.



But on what basis would they give you Level 2 if you mask so well? I guess if you explain to them that "its not natural its masking" you can convince them you are autistic. But levels are distinguished on the basis of actual functioning. So since you can function so well (masking or not) how can they ever say you are Level 2 then?

Okay thats different. In case of Russian brides, no I wouldn't do that because, again, it would be them using me for money. Which is bad for the same exact reason as American girls overlooking age gap in the hypothetical situation if I was rich. Both the Russian and American example of it pretty much rules out the actual love.

Now the Russian girls I *would* consider dating are the ones that date me for all the normal reasons American girls would; they just don't have some of the hang-ups of their American counterparts. I would prefer if said Russian girls were already in the country.

I am not sure how the example with the 12 year old falls into this category because the behavior of said 12 year old is likely to be blatant, unless you are picturing something different from what I picture.

So can you give examples of tells I might be giving as an adult? I know you said you don't know since you didn't see me. But lets put it this way:

There are knowns:

a) The things I did describe myself doing

b) Other people's reaction

And then there is an unknown:

c) The nonverbal things I give off

So can you guess what "c" might be so that the combination of "a" and "c" would lead to "b"?



Okay so in my case you said

a) They read me correctly that I am interested in women. Thats why my inner thoughts account for "being active" even though I don't usually approach women or talk to them

b) They made a mistake in thinking I can do something dangerous when I know I won't

So are you saying that "a" falls into their 50% while "b" doesn't?

And here is the other question: some people told me that I dissect details too much. Now I am not "focusing on details for the sake of details". Instead, I am focusing on them because I see them as clues of negative opinion of me. Which leads to three questions:

1) If I see the negative hints that the NT-s I am talking to don't, am I actually *better* at picking them up than most NT-s?

2) If NT-s seriously think I "focus on details for the sake of details" without realizing I am talking about emotional implication, are they betraying their utter lack of ability to read the other person (namely, me)

3) Could it be that they know perfectly well what I am talking about, and are they just "playing dumb" in order to get me to shut up?



I can control whether I share an assumption IF I know its an assumption. But the problem is that I don't always know. In case of that woman I thought her age is a fact, not an assumption.

So could it be that one strategy to use is that if I see a "contradiction" (such as I saw in her case) I should ask myself "which of the things I assumed to be facts are really assumptions".

But even if I did that, I would have been unlikely to say that her age is one of them. Instead I would have said that maybe some 60 year olds still menstruate.

So I guess maybe the different strategy is simply not to ask questions that are personal, period. Because in this case I knew it was personal and I knew it was inappropriate. Now I didn't know that my assumption about her age was wrong, but I knew that asking about menopause was inappropriate since I didn't know her well enough.

So I guess if I were to say "lets wait till I know her better" then by the time I were to "know her better", I would have inadvertedly found out that she is really 44 and not 60 -- simply because the information has a way of revealing itself over time.

I think a/b/c are all partly to contribute (its likely a multiple regression model explaining the difference in behaviour).

But I have another theory. Being part of a first (or even second generation) immigrant community there's a strong sense of wanting to maintain the identity of the community. I think Russian culture/religious upbringing is strong and older members of the community are always looking for opportunities to be match makers when a young man strolls into their church. I don't know Russians here, but I see this especially in the Polish and Hungarian community in Melbourne.

You have completely missed my point. Perhaps I didn't say it in a way that you could understand; allow me to try again. You are judging MY results with your lack of ability to duplicate them. Where do you keep you drive and determination? How about your effort and desire. That's inside you. When you took stock of your 'insides', those things I just listed, you said to yourself, "Self, he's got to be better than me at social skills, because I couldn't do that." You see me doing well, making it look easy. You have no idea what's going on behind the scenes to make the magic. If you could peek back there, I think you'd say something like this: "Oh, heck. Ok. It's not that I couldn't duplicate his results. It's that I can't do that many calculations per second on a topic I haven't dedicated the first half century of my life to studying. Maybe that's easier to understand.



The psychologist worked very closely with the therapist who has seen me weekly for the last seven years. She is the only human being in the world that I do not fear that my life is in immediate danger when I'm around them. Cognitively, I know that it is not. Emotionally however, I am working directly from the amygdala when human contact is even possible. Except with her and she's the only one ever. From day one. She knows everything. How I think; what I feel; the paths my thoughts follow; and what I do to compensate. She knows everything about me that no one else knows or sees. My file is 1800 pages long. If the 'actual functioning' is costing me my life, my net functioning is pretty low. The psychologist measured it that way. It turns out, the more help I receive, the more my health improves. I take three prescription pills every morning. A few years ago, it was twenty-four. I even seem to have lost an incurable, untreatable auto-immune disorder I'd been under a neurologist's care for, for a decade.

Last edited by AngelL on 26 Dec 2021, 11:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You have completely missed my point. Perhaps I didn't say it in a way that you could understand; allow me to try again. You are judging MY results with your lack of ability to duplicate them. Where do you keep you drive and determination? How about your effort and desire. That's inside you. When you took stock of your 'insides', those things I just listed, you said to yourself, "Self, he's got to be better than me at social skills, because I couldn't do that." You see me doing well, making it look easy. You have no idea what's going on behind the scenes to make the magic. If you could peek back there, I think you'd say something like this: "Oh, heck. Ok. It's not that I couldn't duplicate his results. It's that I can't do that many calculations per second on a topic I haven't dedicated the first half century of my life to studying. Maybe that's easier to understand.



The psychologist worked very closely with the therapist who has seen me weekly for the last seven years. She is the only human being in the world that I do not fear that my life is in immediate danger when I'm around them. Cognitively, I know that it is not. Emotionally however, I am working directly from the amygdala when human contact is even possible. Except with her and she's the only one ever. From day one. She knows everything. How I think; what I feel; the paths my thoughts follow; and what I do to compensate. She knows everything about me that no one else knows or sees. My file is 1800 pages long. If the 'actual functioning' is costing me my life, my net functioning is pretty low. The psychologist measured it that way. It turns out, the more help I receive, the more my health improves. I take three prescription pills every morning. A few years ago, it was twenty-four. I even seem to have lost an incurable, untreatable auto-immune disorder I'd been under a neurologist's care for, for a decade.

Russian Mail-order marriages are less likely to end in divorce than marriages overall in the United States: divorce rates in mail-order marriages for which the courtship period lasted more than 4 months were between 35.8 and 41.3 percent when compared to the overall US divorce rate which is 48 percent
https://academiccommons.columbia.edu/do ... 6/D8377GTK

This means the idea more Russian girls are "gold diggers" than American girls is a myth, More likely they are slightly better option in terms of long term meaningful relationships. I mean look at Melania

That is surprising. What about Russian girls that are NOT mail order brides? Are they divorcing at, say, 10% (so that mail order brides are a lot worse than them) or are they divorcing at 38% (so that actually mail order brides do the same thing and aren't any worse)?



Do you mean Russian girls at large or do you mean mail order brides?

Because I, personally, only have that opinion of mail order brides. I have nothing against dating "normal" Russian girls.

But what about that stereotype? Do they hold this opinion of Russian women at large as well? If so, why?

Yes, but I am not saying "I should be diagnosed for lack of drive/motivation". I am saying "I should be diagnosed as more severe for the fact that I couldn't produce your results". Not producing results is outside.

As a matter of fact, in order for doctor to say you are more severe they have to look at the inside. If the doctor ONLY looks at the outside, they would say I am more severe. But if they look at the inside too, then they would say you are more severe since (on the inside) it costs you more effort.

So are you saying they look at the inside in order to classify autistics into the groups? Because I assumed those groups are based on "functioning" and the word "functioning" refers mostly to outside. Or are you saying I assumed incorrectly?



So are you saying that in your case she knows how much struggle you go through while in someone else's case their psychologist might not? Ironically, that actually skews the results. Because putting you into one of those groups is actually "comparing you to others". So making a comparison when your psychologist has a lot more inside-knowledge than other people's, it is not a fair comparison.

Who knows, maybe if you take most people who are currently diagnosed as Level 1, and have them work with psychologist for 7 years as closely as you did, maybe they would all be re-diagnosed as Level 2 due to all this "extra knowledge". And maybe most of the folk that is currently diagnosed as Level 2 would be re-diagnosed as Level 3 in this scenario. And, if that is actually the case, then maybe you are Level 1 since you have the same results as most people who are Level 1 would if they were in your situation?

What is the meaning of the term "multiple regression model"?



Why would they need to help out one person to maintain their identity? A group can exclude a person while still maintain the identity as a group (which is what Americans seem to be doing).



It is interesting you mentioned "religious upbringing" as a reason why they WOULD help match me up, while Americans cite religion as a reason why I should NOT worry about matching myself up (they tell me "just focus on the Lord and forget all this worldly stuff", as an excuse not to help me). So could it be not about "whose religion is stronger" but rather the fact that they interpret their religion in a different way?

Another thing I noticed (which is a different subject) is that both Russian patriotism AND American patriotism is coupled with Christianity, to the extend that each side views itself as "bastion of Christianity" in the world. Yet, since these two patriotisms are opposed to each other, each side assumes they are Christian while the other side isn't. I guess its true though that their beliefs are different: Russians are Orthodox while Americans are Protestant. So each group is right that the other one isn't Christian in their particular sense.

So could it be that whether to help matching me up or not is somehow coupled to their religious differences? If so, can you elaborate?



Now that you told me its a pattern, maybe I should look for other Russian churches. I mean, the one I just talked about, is just a group of like 15 Russian people that meet in the evenings, while the rest of the church is American. Maybe I should go look for actually Russian churches to get more such matchmakers?