How to Not Be Desperate
14 Dec 2021, 5:35 pm
Being desperate isn't good for you or the other person. It's not good for you because a desperate mindset lowers your self-esteem; the discomfort and lack of confidence makes guys less attractive.
It's not good for the other person either, because that person deserves to be with someone who truly cares about them and prioritizes them. How would they feel if they knew you're only into them because they're just the first person to say yes to you. That would feel horrible from their POV.
Acknowledge your needs. Are you interested in casual sex/short-term dating? Or a long-term relationship? Or something in between? What are your needs in a relationship? What is your "love language" (aka things you want your partner to do to show love: i.e. words, certain actions, touching/cuddling, etc.?
The Halo Effect is cognitive bias people where we assume that because someone has some good traits, that their other traits must also be great. We may think someone is a perfect partner for us just because they're attractive or we have a few things in common. Get to know them first before making lots of assumptions of what they'd be like as a partner. Painting a romanticized version of them in your head may lead you to be disappointed. For example, you and someone aren't compatible (not either person's fault; just incompatibility). But because you painted the picture of them being an ideal partner for you, you may falsely assume that it's your fault for not being able.
Don't try to please everyone. Desperate people feel the need to mute themselves or water themselves down try to make themselves accessible to everyone, since they feel like they can't afford to lose everyone. For example, they're afraid to say their views and opinions because the other person might disagree. Being loved by and having a genuine connection with 10% of people (because you're being yourself to the maximum) is better than being palatable to everyone but not intensely liked by anyone.
"You'll find someone when you're not looking" is true. But the pre-requisite is that you need to have a social life, and put yourself out there. Start by making irl friends, and making friends with those mutual friends.
Go to social events, but don't go in there just with the mindset of looking for women/men. For example, if you go to bars and clubs, you go because you enjoy the scenery and music. You go with friends and enjoy spending time with friends. As a result, the mindset changes. You naturally meet people and it's more relaxed, compared to a nervous mindset of "If I don't get someone's number, this is all for nothing".
Online Dating. The algorithms punish people for swiping right on everyone. It lowers your elo, which makes you seen by less people. So even online, you're better off swiping right on (lets say) <20% of people instead of 60%+.
