auntblabby
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26 Dec 2022, 2:17 am
goldfish21
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26 Dec 2022, 2:27 am
His help, you mean ? That’d be up to him. His education is in youth social work and his mom has a masters in social work so it’s not like he’s not good with teens. But I don’t expect his help.
I just want him to be healthy and stable, have stable housing wherever he lives in the region etc.
If I have the 15yo come into my care in the new year I’ll have help from his grandmother (my aunt) and can lean on a few others in the extended fam if I’m working late or away for a weekend or something. Not like I’ll have to rely Only on myself, but I Could do it solo. But there’s a lot of fam - he can go visit cousins or aunts/uncles/grandparents if or when I need time w/o him for any reason - and they wanna see him so it’s a win-win.
But if this one turns into more of a relationship and life partner and he wants to be helpful with my fam, that’d be cool, too.
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for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.auntblabby
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26 Dec 2022, 2:30 am
goldfish21
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26 Dec 2022, 5:27 am
Yeah, that could be cool. 
But I’d settle for soberish, healthy, stable etc. I’m not greedy and truly would be content with him being well & back to regular life even if he had no interest or
energy to assist with my commitments.
I have told him about that whole situation and have asked for his input on a couple things in the past and he was very willing to share his thoughts and perspective. So, never know, he might be an asset to that project should it come to fruition.
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for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.goldfish21
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30 Dec 2022, 2:20 am
He got a new phone for Christmas from his parents. I was beginning to wonder if he'd lost it already as I hadn't had a reply for a couple days. Got a couple quick texts now. Just hasn't been in a texting mood. Also must have pissed someone off and got restricted from his place to stay for a week, so running on next to no sleep etc - not good for health.
I understand what happened to throw a wrench in his last detox plans. In a nutshell: Horrible transphobia from people that should be healthcare professionals made him so stressed/scared/unsafe that he relapsed. Acknowledged that self destructive behaviour isn't helpful, but ya I get it.
Has plans to approach things differently via work or some work program he's interested in. I kinda feel like it's putting the cart before the horse, but he knows himself and knows if he has something to Do with purpose that it's a good distraction from wanting to use drugs. Idle hands and all that. He knows himself and if he can tackle some sort of scheduled routine work and that helps him get back on track towards health & wellness then go for it, imo.
We do have plans to hangout on NYE and I hope he's able to follow through -> even if that simply means I cook him a proper meal or two, he does his laundry, showers up and gets a proper night's sleep vs. celebrating and all that surface level stuff. I'd be happy knowing he was catching up a bit on nutrition and rest that I know he's not getting right now.
Definitely an interesting friendship/fwb/~sort of relationship dynamic we have going here if nothing else lol I hope whoever's reading these journal entries is at least somewhat entertained by this saga. It's just.. different. I can tell my 43yo cousin No I'm not paying for hotel room stays or whatever, deal with your addiction bs, but this one.. much younger, much more potential, wanting to get back to clean/sober life.. this one I have time & energy for so long as it's utilized for good.
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for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.auntblabby
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30 Dec 2022, 2:21 am
goldfish21
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30 Dec 2022, 2:45 am
By and large, yes.
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No
for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.goldfish21
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31 Dec 2022, 8:03 pm
He cancelled on NYE plans we had made and confirmed to go to some party. Hurtful/irritating.
Was just chatting with his friend and he lmk he told him he doesn't want to date me/cis men and this is stressful etc. He showed me a screen shot of the messages.
Not entirely surprising considering our recent conversations and that he does not prioritize spending any time with me. I get being young, experimenting, liking someone and exploring whether it could work - as he pointed out I've been with girls in the past myself. He's 23, trans, hormonal, dealing with a lot and we Are good friends that know we'll remain friends, there is sexual attraction (which he brought up in the first place, not me for the record.) but in the grand scheme of life it seems he definitely needs to be in a romantic relationship with a girl and not me.
Such is life. I've seen him like 3x in 5 months due to a combination of his drug use and his at times avoiding me I guess, which makes all of this easier to accept and just move forward with.
I know we'll remain friends. He knows he owes me a bit of money and knows he'll get back to work and then start paying it off. The $ is secondary/third or whatever, really truly I just wish him well and hope he gets back to health and finds happiness in a relationship. In the meantime if he's in the mood for fwb stuff, I'm not gonna decline hot times just because we're not going to be in a relationship together - that's not how I roll lol.
At least I know where things actually stand thanks to his friend, who has no filter as he describes him, letting me know. Even if he doesn't have the nerve to have these conversations with me right now, at least I know and can live my life accordingly.
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for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.goldfish21
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31 Dec 2022, 11:49 pm
I think part of his problem is that he can’t find the words to tell me how he really feels and wants to proceed with our friendship vs partnership, so, being a fair bit older and wiser I just sent him a long text and told him what I’m thinking - that if he wanted to date me he would be, and that clearly we’re not meant to be partners and his romantic interests lie elsewhere so we really need to dial things back to lifelong friends and be in each other’s lives as we’re meant to be kind of thing.
Very sure that’s what he wants but can’t say it or is anxious about saying it, so took the pressure off him and said it myself. Maybe he’ll reply tonight or tmw or whatever but at least it’s off my mind and I can focus on my school work better tonight and tmw.
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No
for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.goldfish21
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01 Jan 2023, 2:37 am
Just had a bit of an argument via text then he phoned to not be texting back and forth and I got pretty pissed off with him about some of the things he said.
Bottom line we'll be friends, but never partners.
Some of the things he said/thinks are straight up due to drug induced paranoia/psychosis and I told him so - that if he's thought this or that, or accused me of this or that etc, that it's in his head and has nothing to do with me and I'm tired of defending myself against absurd accusations that make no logical sense whatsoever. If he's thought this or that for a year, it's because he's been high for the last few years and has nothing to do with me.
I wished him well with getting healthy and thinking clearer and feeling better and told him I'll be around to talk, help where I can, offer guidance etc vs. tell him to F off, but I'm so over dealing with his paranoid accusations and distorted perception problems. I can be a friend to him and offer guidance w/o having to deal with that stuff in my personal life.
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No
for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.01 Jan 2023, 5:30 am
goldfish21
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01 Jan 2023, 12:24 pm
Do you feel a sense of release?
Yeah, kinda. Some sort of closure on that chapter, anyways. Good to know where I stand. After things that were said, even if he flip flops and says different things - nah - I can't date him, but we can be friends and hangout and I wish him well on his recovery/getting back on track to health etc. But the rest of it is just too much and I'm not going to deal with it.
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No
for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.02 Jan 2023, 9:36 am
goldfish21
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03 Jan 2023, 3:15 am
I don't think it will, really. So far our text chats have been good, especially since we know where we stand and we're not going to date/build a relationship together - so I think removing those stresses/pressures etc will make for better friendship dynamics as there won't be relationship expectations, so he won't avoid me, and we can be much more blunt with each other.
He's taking some steps to better a few things in his life bit by bit right now, so that's good. It'll be good for him, and being friends with him, for him to be healthier all around in general. He's a good person and we'll be friends. I can see spending time doing active stuff together - cycling, beach trips, hikes etc once he's healthier and back to life. There's a book we may read together still etc.
In the more immediate, he knows I won't make myself as available as I have, but that I'll still do what I can when I can, especially if it will help him get back to sobriety & stability.
In a variety of ways I think the evolution of our friendship to what it's meant to be is gonna be better for both of us and already is. If he's out of line with something, I can just tell him so w/o any real concern that I'm gonna have a bitchy partner.. no, you're my friend, and as you're friend I'm telling you you're acting nuts rn so knock it off and get some sleep and I'll talk to you later lol.
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for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.goldfish21
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30 Mar 2023, 1:17 pm
Hadn't heard from him since Jan 3rd, started to get a little worried. Texted his mom last week, she said he visits and would pass my msg along. Heard from him yesterday afternoon and decided to cancel my "date," (hookup) plans to hang out with him instead. Went dt, picked him up, nice drive/good convo, threw together a healthy dinner, watched a movie, he spent the night.. the sex was pretty amazing for both of us, got up early and drove him home in time for his work this morning. He's doing better and is healthier than Christmas time, but still a functioning addict. Good mood overall though and is thinking & feeling better and says he wants to keep in better communication. We might do some work together etc - it'll be good to take on a bit bigger contract and put him to work to keep his hands busy learning and doing something productive vs. doing drugs with idle hands and time. Overall 10/10 visit, would def do again at his earliest convenience.
And no, I'm not delusionally thinking we're going to be life partners. We are definitely good for each other, though. Friends+, health, motivation etc etc and we both feel that. It was very early on in our friendship that he told me he felt like we'd be friends for life and he doesn't feel like that about very many people - and I sensed/felt the same, really. It's a good vibe thing we have going.
_________________
No
for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.30 Mar 2023, 5:44 pm
Not really sure what the point of this one is. Not really asking for advice here - I'm pretty sure I'm just gonna carry on as is when he's back from his drying out staycation and then IF things stay exactly the same and we hookup here and there, sweet. If things change and get more serious despite him saying fwb, then I might just roll with that, and if they get less sexual and we're just friends that hangout or have each other's backs when needed - okay, cool. I'm basically not going to force any particular agenda and just go with the flow and enjoy having a new friend + whatever else does or doesn't come along with it. Guess I'm more just sharing to share, put my thoughts on it out there, share that I too have odd relationship dynamics and difficulties. Feel free to comment - or not.
As a reformed alcoholic, I have to say that quitting is often far more about social connections than the substance itself. A realization I had about 6 months after getting clean and hitting a rough patch would have done anything that somebody had on them in that moment just to cut through what I was going through.. One of the worst things that society does to addicts is evict us from society. Getting clean likely means losing any of the "friends" that were using with you and trying to find new friends that aren't can be a lot easier said than done.
I hope things work out for him. It did for me, but it took about 20 years before I really felt like I'd kicked it. I still have to avoid drinking as I've got no confidence that I'm that free of it. But, with alcohol removed drinks being so good, I can at least drink those when I want the taste.
