Caught in a Narcassist's Web of Manipulation: Help!

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CookiesNCream101
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09 Oct 2023, 12:23 am

This marks the second encounter with someone who recently reconnected with me, and it will also be the final one. I find myself regretting my past actions as I realize that I allowed myself to be ensnared in his manipulative games (such as "hearting" my messages, then ignoring my texts for a while, and employing other mixed-messages tactics). Now, I'm eager to extricate myself from this situation while preserving my dignity.

To summarize, he and his friend ridiculed my communication skills, particularly my difficulty in comprehending simple sentences. He purposefully excluded me from conversations, making me feel left out, such as when he asked his friends for their birthdays to buy them gifts but omitted me, despite sitting right beside him. And when he was planning to watch a film with the rest of the group, asking them if they'd like to come, and excluded me again. And lastly, when he was discussing his mum's birthday party with his friends, of which I wasn't aware or invited to. He also laughed at me and asked me if I usually rank everything, just because I ranked my top 3 favorite animals, as requested by his female friend. His best friend made a joke saying that "there's normal ranking then autistic ranking," which I took offense to, and I don't know why, but the guy gave me an angry look like I insulted him or something. Then he proceeded to make sexual jokes which I couldn't pick up on straight away, but later I realized and felt uncomfortable. He was also talking about watching the show "Idol" and how he doesn't think Weekend's acting is bad. To which I chimed in that the show is creepy, hence why I don't watch it. He was also discussing a sexual harassment incident that happened in Hollywood, which I found really weird since I've never seen people discuss such a heavy topic openly, especially at a party, and he didn't seem to be discussing it in a serious manner, just smiling and asking his friend why it's so rampant and going into too much detail.

During our initial meeting (you can refer to my previous post titled "I'm scared to go to another one of his parties" for more context), he appeared quite interested in me and persistently asked me to play video games at my place. He was also inappropriately flirting with me, and I obviously couldn't pick up on the dirty context of what he was saying, but I let it slide since he was drinking so much. In retrospect, it seems he was testing my boundaries, and regrettably, I failed to assert them adequately. I now regret agreeing to a game night via text after leaving his first party. Fortunately, this event hasn't materialized yet, and he hasn't brought it up again. Also, I regret hugging him every time he asked for a hug, since I don't like to hug, but I don't know why I hugged him. I guess I didn't want to come off as rude in front of everyone, and I was thinking maybe he just wanted the hug because of the birthday gift I gave him. But he kept asking for hugs after a while.

I've also noticed that even his female friend, whom I find pleasant but don't know well, has been ignoring my messages despite our interactions at the party. Furthermore, his father seemed to disregard me when I arrived late to his party, but at the first party, he was warm and kind towards me.

Then he was really impatient and rude at the end of the party when my taxi was taking too long to arrive to pick me up, since I was the last one to leave and he had work in the morning. He kept telling me to text and call my sibling, who was the one picking me up with the taxi. Eventually, he switched his attitude to kindness, saying he was going to wait with me till my taxi arrived, but I told him he didn't have to, and that he could go to bed if he wanted to, and I could wait outside (since I was really over his nonsense).

My most significant regret lies in questioning him about why he reconnected with me on social media. He offered a false explanation, claiming he felt remorse for being unkind to me, even though I replied to him that my recollection was quite the opposite. And he also said he wanted to see how I was doing all these years and to be friends. I started to leave when my taxi arrived, and he mentioned wanting to be just friends again. He then asked me to define our relationship, to which I responded, "What do you think I was thinking?" Although I can't recall my exact words, I aimed to clarify that I was merely curious about his motives for reconnecting, given our shared history from primary school, during which he had a crush on me. He told me to text him when I got home, and I didn't. He then texted me asking me if I arrived home safely, and I said that I did and I lied saying I had a fun time at his party (I don't know why I lied, maybe because of my anxiety). He then hearted two of my comments, which has me annoyed, thinking he's trying to play mind games with me again.

Now, I'm concerned that I shouldn't have inquired, and he may believe I have romantic feelings for him, which is not the case. Deleting him from my social media is tempting, but I've hesitated out of fear of appearing foolish, as if I'm blocking him simply because he mentioned friendship. I'm also unsure about maintaining contact with his female friend, as she initially seemed eager to hang out but hasn't responded to my offer.

I'm at a loss about what to do next, and I can't help but feel foolish and lost in this situation.

P.S. Just to clarify, I'm a young woman. Hope that helps.



CookiesNCream101
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11 Oct 2023, 5:04 am

I think I figured it out, it's PUA tatics and mind games.



KitLily
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11 Oct 2023, 5:26 am

This guy is bad news. I think you feel this deep down or you wouldn't be asking

Can you mute him on social media if you don't want to block him? Or if it's Facebook, put him on your Restricted list so he doesn't see any of your posts? (that's what I did with people when I was last on Facebook, I presume you can still do that)

Who cares what he thinks if you remove him, anyway? He doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart and seems to just enjoy tormenting you.

If he ever asks, you could just say something like 'well it was great to hear from you after all these years. All the best!'

That's nice and neutral, it doesn't commit either of you to contacting each other again.


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CookiesNCream101
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12 Oct 2023, 10:47 am

KitLily wrote:
This guy is bad news. I think you feel this deep down or you wouldn't be asking

Can you mute him on social media if you don't want to block him? Or if it's Facebook, put him on your Restricted list so he doesn't see any of your posts? (that's what I did with people when I was last on Facebook, I presume you can still do that)

Who cares what he thinks if you remove him, anyway? He doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart and seems to just enjoy tormenting you.

If he ever asks, you could just say something like 'well it was great to hear from you after all these years. All the best!'

That's nice and neutral, it doesn't commit either of you to contacting each other again.


Yeah, I was going to do that, but when I told my therapist the whole story, she told me that I'm blowing the situation out of proportion and not handling rejection well (even though I didn't love him; I was just ecstatic/excited that someone might be interested in me). Since I've been rejected before and I've taken it well, I don't really care for too long. But this feels like I'm being messed with, especially given his behavior at the first party I went to.

I'm trying to get clarity on the whole situation by contacting him (since my therapist thinks that's the best thing to do first), as I really feel like this is either a big misunderstanding or he really wants to mess with me and hurt me.

And yes, I'm still tempted to block them if there's no clarity and a genuine apology.

P.S. Can I PM you? I'm very new to all this mind game stuff and autism.



techstepgenr8tion
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12 Oct 2023, 10:59 am

It could be PUA tactics but as I remember back in the early and mid 2000's when I was coming up and trying to learn gender dynamics a lot of the guys and girls who were 'successful' were doing exactly this (inconsistent reward and negging) even before any of that became PUA, ie. it's neurotypical game theory and in particular it's game theory for people with whatever the more diagnostic rather than pop-psychology version of 'insecure attachment style' would be.

A significant portion of the population take socializing as a power game and they treat it that way all the time. They're really boring (and draining) to be around and I've done what I can to just cut people out who don't have the chops to have deep conversations about interesting things at least some of the time.

I'd say if you feel like this guy is boring you or wasting your time get some distance, do it politely, have excuses, avoid making it obvious if you can if he's this integrated into your social group but the point being - pretty much anyone who you're not making positive gains from being around or anyone who leaves you feeling drained, they're not adding to your life and if they're not adding they probably don't need to be there (it's your free time while not working and not carrying out other essential obligations - that's time for you to rest and recharge, not time to get taxed more).


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12 Oct 2023, 12:33 pm

CookiesNCream101 wrote:
Yeah, I was going to do that, but when I told my therapist the whole story, she told me that I'm blowing the situation out of proportion and not handling rejection well (even though I didn't love him; I was just ecstatic/excited that someone might be interested in me). Since I've been rejected before and I've taken it well, I don't really care for too long. But this feels like I'm being messed with, especially given his behavior at the first party I went to.

I'm trying to get clarity on the whole situation by contacting him (since my therapist thinks that's the best thing to do first), as I really feel like this is either a big misunderstanding or he really wants to mess with me and hurt me.

And yes, I'm still tempted to block them if there's no clarity and a genuine apology.

P.S. Can I PM you? I'm very new to all this mind game stuff and autism.


Oh bloody therapists, they are always going on about rejection. It sounds to me like he's messing with you, and you think he's messing with you.

You could give it one more go to check what his intentions are but I suspect he's not sincere. A really good question to ask narcissists is 'how do you think you could improve or grow?' You could adapt that to the situation. A narcissist will be offended and deny they need to improve or grow at all. Because they are perfect in their eyes.

I'm sorry, I never have my PMs open, I've had too many bad experiences with PMs :(


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CookiesNCream101
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13 Oct 2023, 4:21 am

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
It could be PUA tactics but as I remember back in the early and mid 2000's when I was coming up and trying to learn gender dynamics a lot of the guys and girls who were 'successful' were doing exactly this (inconsistent reward and negging) even before any of that became PUA, ie. it's neurotypical game theory and in particular it's game theory for people with whatever the more diagnostic rather than pop-psychology version of 'insecure attachment style' would be.

A significant portion of the population take socializing as a power game and they treat it that way all the time. They're really boring (and draining) to be around and I've done what I can to just cut people out who don't have the chops to have deep conversations about interesting things at least some of the time.

I'd say if you feel like this guy is boring you or wasting your time get some distance, do it politely, have excuses, avoid making it obvious if you can if he's this integrated into your social group but the point being - pretty much anyone who you're not making positive gains from being around or anyone who leaves you feeling drained, they're not adding to your life and if they're not adding they probably don't need to be there (it's your free time while not working and not carrying out other essential obligations - that's time for you to rest and recharge, not time to get taxed more).


I made some distance between them now, thanks for the advice.
Yeah there weren't that many deep convos, the convos spiraled into asking me random questions, probably to see if I would slip up.
I did enjoy the game activity at the party but being made fun of... even if I forgive I'm still kinda traumatized by it.

Wonder why don't they just try to get to know someone instead of using PUA tatics or if it isn't PUA tactics I don't understand making fun of someone who's struggling with a disorder, especially when they have other friends with mental disorders.



CookiesNCream101
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13 Oct 2023, 4:46 am

KitLily wrote:
CookiesNCream101 wrote:
Yeah, I was going to do that, but when I told my therapist the whole story, she told me that I'm blowing the situation out of proportion and not handling rejection well (even though I didn't love him; I was just ecstatic/excited that someone might be interested in me). Since I've been rejected before and I've taken it well, I don't really care for too long. But this feels like I'm being messed with, especially given his behavior at the first party I went to.

I'm trying to get clarity on the whole situation by contacting him (since my therapist thinks that's the best thing to do first), as I really feel like this is either a big misunderstanding or he really wants to mess with me and hurt me.

And yes, I'm still tempted to block them if there's no clarity and a genuine apology.

P.S. Can I PM you? I'm very new to all this mind game stuff and autism.


Oh bloody therapists, they are always going on about rejection. It sounds to me like he's messing with you, and you think he's messing with you.

You could give it one more go to check what his intentions are but I suspect he's not sincere. A really good question to ask narcissists is 'how do you think you could improve or grow?' You could adapt that to the situation. A narcissist will be offended and deny they need to improve or grow at all. Because they are perfect in their eyes.

I'm sorry, I never have my PMs open, I've had too many bad experiences with PMs :(


Every time he apologized, it came across as insincere, often saying something like 'sorry you felt that way.' Even though I did use 'I felt like...' to express my emotions, it felt like he wasn't taking responsibility for what happened at the party, instead resorting to excuses and distorting the facts.

I've created some distance now because I strongly believe he doesn't have my best interests at heart, especially when I tried to discuss other issues from the party. Despite my calm approach, he seemed to get upset when I shared my feelings about his last party. When I replied with 'not sure right now' to his question about attending future parties, he simply thanked me for bringing everything up without addressing the other concerns I had raised.

I wish I had asked him how he could improve or grow, but I feared he might react negatively. For now, I'll stick with my other friends who treat me with respect.

That's okay, and fair enough, I heard PMs here can get ugly.



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13 Oct 2023, 5:44 am

CookiesNCream101 wrote:
Every time he apologized, it came across as insincere, often saying something like 'sorry you felt that way.' Even though I did use 'I felt like...' to express my emotions, it felt like he wasn't taking responsibility for what happened at the party, instead resorting to excuses and distorting the facts.

I've created some distance now because I strongly believe he doesn't have my best interests at heart, especially when I tried to discuss other issues from the party. Despite my calm approach, he seemed to get upset when I shared my feelings about his last party. When I replied with 'not sure right now' to his question about attending future parties, he simply thanked me for bringing everything up without addressing the other concerns I had raised.

I wish I had asked him how he could improve or grow, but I feared he might react negatively. For now, I'll stick with my other friends who treat me with respect.

That's okay, and fair enough, I heard PMs here can get ugly.


Yes, he's messing with you for sure. Trust your gut.

If you have friends who treat you with respect, please do stick with them. They are priceless. I only have one friend, perhaps you can give me tips on how to find such genuine, respectful friends.

It's not so much on this site, it's everywhere online. Every site I've been on and had my PMs open, I've got weird/ abusive/ creepy messages and I'm done with all that. I'm not saying you would send such messages! But it's easier just to switch them off for everyone rather than change it constantly. I'm pretty bad at judging who has my best interests at heart so I'd rather everything was said to me in public.


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13 Oct 2023, 8:27 am

CookiesNCream101 wrote:
Wonder why don't they just try to get to know someone instead of using PUA tatics or if it isn't PUA tactics I don't understand making fun of someone who's struggling with a disorder, especially when they have other friends with mental disorders.

I think it's what they'd do to anyone, just that someone having a disorder or difference wouldn't stop them either.


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13 Oct 2023, 9:08 am

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
CookiesNCream101 wrote:
Wonder why don't they just try to get to know someone instead of using PUA tatics or if it isn't PUA tactics I don't understand making fun of someone who's struggling with a disorder, especially when they have other friends with mental disorders.

I think it's what they'd do to anyone, just that someone having a disorder or difference wouldn't stop them either.


Yes I think it's a game to some people. 'How many people can I get to sleep with me' (or whatever) Like those books and websites dedicated to 'how to make women/men fall for you'.

There was a really funny account on Twitter called Nick Adams- Alpha Male, which was like that. No one could work out whether it's a parody or not!


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13 Oct 2023, 9:14 am

KitLily wrote:
Yes I think it's a game to some people. 'How many people can I get to sleep with me' (or whatever) Like those books and websites dedicated to 'how to make women/men fall for you'.

There was a really funny account on Twitter called Nick Adams- Alpha Male, which was like that. No one could work out whether it's a parody or not!

That's true but I mean, how some NT's socialize over all - with or without trying to get clothes off - it's constant competition, constant negging, constant games between each other. I think PUA tried to replicate this effect manually (ie. confident jerk, which amounts to f'boy for a lot of women) for those who don't naturally operate like this.

One thing I'm wondering about with PUA - the negging, it sounds like how guys already banter and it's pretty much telling guys to treat women like they'd initiate new guy friends. To me though that screams 'nothing serious!', ie. none of that would tell a prospective partner 'Wow - that's marriage material!'.


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Last edited by techstepgenr8tion on 13 Oct 2023, 9:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

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13 Oct 2023, 9:14 am

If you stop, take a breath and think a bit you'll realize that you aren't "caught in a web" of anything. If you don't like being "played"...Stop playing along. Step back. Walk away.



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13 Oct 2023, 10:10 am

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
That's true but I mean, how some NT's socialize over all - with or without trying to get clothes off - it's constant competition, constant negging, constant games between each other. I think PUA tried to replicate this effect manually (ie. confident jerk, which amounts to f'boy for a lot of women) for those who don't naturally operate like this.

One thing I'm wondering about with PUA - the negging, it sounds like how guys already banter and it's pretty much telling guys to treat women like they'd initiate new guy friends. To me though that screams 'nothing serious!', ie. none of that would tell a prospective partner 'Wow - that's marriage material!'.


ugh it's so tiring isn't it. FFS, even at mother and baby groups there was constant competition- "my baby is more advanced/ clever/ sociable than yours." It was cut throat.

That is possible- men seem to be constantly putting each other down, and women do not like that. I've noticed that very often a woman/me will say something just SLIGHTLY factually incorrect. And the men will spend the rest of the evening correcting the mistake and making fun of her.

That is definitely NOT the way to impress or even socialise with women. We socialise by agreeing with each other and not pointing out mistakes.

Hence why I don't get on very well with other women! Because I'm always noticing and pointing out errors :roll: :lol:


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13 Oct 2023, 10:28 am

KitLily wrote:
That is possible- men seem to be constantly putting each other down, and women do not like that. I've noticed that very often a woman/me will say something just SLIGHTLY factually incorrect. And the men will spend the rest of the evening correcting the mistake and making fun of her.

That is definitely NOT the way to impress or even socialise with women. We socialise by agreeing with each other and not pointing out mistakes.

There are contexts in which I get it - for example I've heard fire fighters and law enforcement rip on each other mercilessly but it's mainly with the understanding that each guy's survival depends on the other having their back and that somehow works as a bonding glue.

It doesn't seem quite as clear why that's needed watching movies or playing video games, unless it's video games or movies at the army barracks.


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13 Oct 2023, 12:01 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
It doesn't seem quite as clear why that's needed watching movies or playing video games, unless it's video games or movies at the army barracks.


I think society has just evolved to make it clear to men that it's not manly to talk about emotions or be nice to each other or sensitive in any way.

At least in the English speaking world. Italian and Spanish men are not like that at all, they're pretty open about emotions.


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